Pls help me....this may be a long mail but i want ur precious time to read
By nancy_joshi
@nancy_joshi (1)
India
December 13, 2010 12:21am CST
Hi frnds.....
I am new on this group. I hope i will get some good frnds as well as some good replies to my discussion. This may be a long post but i want some of your precious time to kindly read and reply. Its urgent.
I married about half an year ago. My husband is a Software Engg. At the time of mrrg, my inlaws and husband boosts high of themselves, like they have a good status in society and good financial status. Like every father, my father fully contented with my husband's behaviour and his financial status, agreed to marry me to him. I also followed my father's decision.
There was a gap of only one month in my engagement and marrg as my inlaws want a quick mrrg saying that my husband has plans of going abroad. We thought it to b ok.
After mrrg., I came to knw that my husband took a heavy amt. of loan for his mrrg. and my inlaws didn't even spent a penny on the mrrg. My husband didn't went abroad. I dont knw y....
All things that my husband and in-laws said was false. My husband used to say " u need not to do job jst to contribut, i dont want your money for managing the home." I was too impressed by these flattering things that i thought to give him unconditional love and all that he want but he was making fool of me n my family.
After mrrg., first thing that shocked me that he took loan for which he didnt told me b4 mrrg. Secondly he asked for the jewellery he gifted me on different occassion so that he can sell that and repay his loan. His these statements made me astonished. He was a different person from within.
To save the jewellery, i quickly opened a locker and deposited the same to protect them. Then i told my husband, he told me that i m clever and cheated him (before mrrg, my MIL herself said to take care of the jewellery they r going to give me). He called his parents, they also blame me and called my parents and insulted them and me also. My husband was with his parents totally. His parents always says my husband such things which create misunderstanding b/w me n husband. My FIL even said to my father that he will remarry his son smwhr else. Hearing this i got so nervous that i was going to fall. Seeing my condition, my FIL told everyone that i m doing drama.
Can u imagine, wat image my husband n his family created in my eyes? Can u ever think that i can accept my in laws who said such things within 1 month of the mrrg?
He said i lied to marry you, bcoz if i had said the truth then you would never agree to marry me (which is a fact, he really doesnt deserve me but i married him thinking that he truly love me which is false. I m much better than him)
My inlaws always blame me and my parents (though we are not on fault). My husband teases my by making me cry,even on my first b'day with him and my first Karvachauth.
He has crossed all limits. He never asked about my father knwing that he is a cancer patient. He abuses my parents. He said me "u knw, u have a share in ur father's property" (which clearly indicate that he want money and my body to play with)
They want a money making and child making machine, thats it.
If he would have told me the truth about his condition then i should have married him keeping in mind all the things. Now he blame me that i cheated him by opening locker in my name without his knowledge but he doesnt knw that i hv a pure heart. I m working and can make lot of jewellery on my own and i did this only to protect the jewellery.
Now he asks for my salary to contribute him and make me read different articles whr women contributing to their man.
I really love him but he feel that i m doing drama jst bcoz i m not ready to contribute him in his loan which he took without my knowledge.
I knw even if
Do u think i should bear the burden of his loan for the person like him? Do you think i should give my salary to such a person who broke my turst and after that he is not guilty at all, even blames me and my family all the time for no reason?
Wen he is with his family he stands not with me but he stand in front of me with his parents and blame me.
I m not asking him to favor me but i ask him to stand for a true reason but he has no guts.
What should i do with my relationship, with this man and with my salary...????
1 person likes this
16 responses
@zeraeign (163)
• Philippines
13 Dec 10
Well, near the end, I didn't continue reading since I don't like it.
You're husband is quite a trash and I suggest that you file an annulment or divorce because he is really a trash. I do not know if what you wrote here is true or if you are really married but if this was true, then you're husband is a good-for-nothing man. Thankfully, my mother was married to a quite responsible man.
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Dec 10
I could have suggested the same Zera, but we also need to ascertain what is her opinion and attitude towards this. She is an Indian and being that she must have a great number of issues if she opts for divorce... It can be daunting on a newly wed. Her family, her society and her mentality all need to be considered.
Cheers,
theSids.
@webearn99 (1742)
• India
13 Dec 10
A lot of deception seems to have been done. There is no point in surrendering your financial independence or your jewelery at this point. You have to make a deliberate decision on whether you have to continue this relation or not and you have to do it reasonably fast. Alternately, Counseling is available in India, so try that first then plan your life according to the results.
@vicozzio (45)
• Indonesia
14 Dec 10
Ummm..
if you don't love him anymore... see a lawyer?
if you love him, ask him to be a man...
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Dec 10
nancy with the help of your parents you can have this farce of a
marriage annuled before you get pregnant, I wo uld insist your
parents help you to leave this jerk as they we re all wrongf
about him, it looks like the two of you are victims of your
parents and they too should be ashamed for forcinvg you two into marriage. get out of it as all h e wants of you is money.
@nangisha (3495)
• Indonesia
16 Dec 10
Hi Nancy!.
I think you must be really in bad situation right know. I think all you need is ask your self if you really wanna to divorce or not. Are you ready because you said you love him and is thats big enough to handle this situation.
I thing what ever you do just make sure don't loose yourself and independent. I hope your dad will get his health back. Be strong my friend....
@harshavardini1 (235)
• India
17 Dec 10
if you feel he is really loving you and wants to keep you happy u can give certain amount or else if you feel he married you only to clear his loans and for finance then don'y let him take advantage of you because he'll never praise you or recognise you for what you have done for him
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
13 Dec 10
I don't want to sound harsh but his debt is his, not yours
if you caused this debt, then of course you need to help him pay it off, even if that debt is not under your name
but you did not cause this debt, he actually lied to you saying he is rich etc
keep your jewellery and ALL of your belongings safe
if he really loves you, not your money/ status, he won't tell a lie
now your father in law said his son will remarry
I'd say this is good, if he divorces you, you will actually be free
make sure you keep good record of your husband and in laws' lies
if they take you to court somehow (if they want part of your income/money after divorce, they can secure this by falsely accusing you in court)
you will need to be able to defend yourself
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
13 Dec 10
I would go to my parents and tell them everything and ask them what they think that I should do. There is no way that I would allow him the jewelry or the property that your father has. This man has been deceitful and I would never stay married to him. I am not sure of where you are from and what divorce means in your country, but I would divorce him before he took anymore of my pride, money, or body. He is a liar and a cheat!!
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
13 Dec 10
HI Nancy,
Welcome to the traditional and orthodox India. It is a sad tale indeed and all I can say is that it was not a good feeling while reading this. Your letter or post is one sided - you have not mentioned anything about your parents... all about in-laws. That would have helped me ascertain what to suggest you.
Unfortunate. In the present scenario, the first and most essential thing is - DO NOT Leave that job of yours. If you do you would be calling troubles and more troubles.
One month is quite a very small time to understand what your future has for you and so I would suggest to wait for some more time. In the meantime, contact the Police and get your views and situation registered so that if in case anything weird happens you can have some respite. As of now, I have a gut feeling that things are not going to be pleasant for your here at the moment. So be prepared for the odd times. It will take a lot of effort and patience from you.
You can PM me if you need to share and discuss options.
Hope that helps.
Take Care and Stay Calm
theSids.
@dianajen (77)
•
14 Dec 10
hi there. First of all I'm not married and I just want to give an opinion, my thoughts about your situation. You should consult a lawyer so that you will know your rights since he's violating one. Second don't allow yourself to be reprimanded by your husband regarding his loan, its his problem not yours and your not obliged to pay or share any amount to him because it happen before marriage. and Lastly don't be fooled by what others think about your marriage or your husband even if there a family of his. Your living together as one already you have the right to say that your husband is lying because you knew the truth.
@toniganzon (72553)
• Philippines
14 Dec 10
Wow! Such a long post and you got me reading it all the way to the end just to understand what you're going through.
Do you have a divorce in your country? I would really like to go straight to the point. Love is not the only thing that makes a marriage work. It needs trust and I don't see that in your marriage at all. You and your family were defrauded and as I can see from your post, your husband's family were looking for a daughter-in-law who can feed their son and give him a comfortable life by lying. Fraud is a ground for leaving your husband. If I were in that situation dear, I would file an annulment since there's no divorce in my country.
So think about it really hard and try to consider your own family. Love is not all in a marriage, I will say again. Trust and love both have to be there to make the marriage work!
@sumocuk (32)
• Turkey
13 Dec 10
It's very sad that you had to go through this in such a short time. I think you won't be happy in this marriage. How can you trust a person who lied to you from the very beginning? You have done the right thing by opening a locker. Don't let him use you like a puppet. I don't know how the things are done in India, but I advice you to divorce. Maybe you will go through hard times, but it is better to endure this a lifetime. I wish you good luck!
@sardonyx777 (450)
• Philippines
14 Dec 10
Hello nancy,
Greetings of true happiness,
It is truly long but short for the context. First of all i don't know about details of your culture and tradition about marriage and life in India especially women in general.What is MIL and FIL means? Anyway, It is a sad story of yours and sad to say that you both deserve each other. Somehow you have similarities in character. From the first place of your relationship before marriage there was no true love rather there was ego all around your husbands family and yours.Both your families letting you to marriage because of the thinking that each has a good financial reputation. But everything was a bluff. I admire you for your guts in blurting all this in mylot.
Would you not marry him if hes not an engineer? or coming from a family like what you said? Marriage is totally selfless. You are one already bcoz of marriage. You married the bad and the good traits of your husband. Could you remember the vows of it? Through thick and thin. . sickness and in health. . i dont know in yours there and now you have confused everything because of money related problem. OKay, If you do love him, live with him and bare with the consequences. Its your choice now. If you think of fairness and justice from what you have discovered then consult a family lawyer. You are deceived before marriage and that piece of paper could be void and null. Just to make sure that you can establish that one month from your marriage was a hell. Many suffered from hypocrisy of having a luxurious wedding just to impress? whom?
If that jewelries means the holding ground of your importance from your husband and his family. Why holding back that piece of craft? You can buy that as you have said you have good job. You are not entitle of his loan if that loan was made before marriage. Consult a lawyer. But if you don't like to make this big have a space from your husband especially to his family. Intervention from both families must have limitation to the new couple. Now am thinking about the situation of married women in your place. Are the married women having failure marriage treated less in the community?
Hold on to your self this will pass as you go mylotting!!
I admire you for the guts!
@sanjay91422 (2725)
• India
13 Dec 10
I think what I am going to say is very easy to say so I will say that you are deceived by these people, you need to stand for yourself and tell him that he can not force you to pay for the lone. If you think that divorce is good for you then you can go with it, you have to look forward and see what is in front of you. If you still don't have children then it will be easy for you to decide.
It can be a problem for children if you already have otherwise just go for it. I think don't need to support the people who just lied to you to get you inside and pay for them. I hope you will be take the right decision. :)
@getbiswa2000 (5544)
• India
13 Dec 10
Hello,
It appears to me that there is no true love developed yet between you and your husband. Even if you develop such attachment in future, you will always be oppressed by your in laws. It's better if you just leave that place for couple of days and take care of your father. Believe me, staying single is way better than being married to the wrong person. Don't take any decision about your divorce yet, though it seems that your marriage has already broken down. The only mistake that your family has done is that they let themselves be driven by the misconception that it's money that would keep you happy. Now you know that it's not. I also doubt what your in laws told you. May be he didn't take that loan for the marriage and hiding the real reason from you. Now you should make up your mind. You can live with your in laws and deal with it diplomatically, or you may leave that place just to rest your mind and to regain your strength. Your in laws as well as your husband have some very low level of superstitious mindset, which is so basic that you may not change it in years. Never give up either your salaries or the locker, because you'll completely loose importance to them. They sound like they only understand everything in terms of money. Thanks.
God bless you.
@nereidiane024 (292)
• Philippines
13 Dec 10
hi nancy!
do you feel the love of your husband rather than money? or you feel he loves you both by heart and by money? is it still okay with you to manage of having him into your life? do you really love him much?
if you feel the love of your husband rather than money, then in his situation of having a loan and hiding it all from you because he wants you and to be his wife, then i guess, you need to trust him all the way. since his the head of your family. but if you feel that your husband loves your money, then you should quit in the relationship. although money matters really can ruin anyone's relationship, but if you can handle and manage it properly then there would no issues at all. if you feel that both he loves you by your money, come to think of it. he marry you because of your money, he hide the loan from you, and he also dictate that you have a money from your parents. he is one of the gold digger who only wants money and you as his victim.
if you can still manage, of having him and love him so much, then prepare yourself to the fact that he loves your money more than anything. be wiser enough, that he cant get any cent from you if he still insisted you. be strong and keep on praying for God's supervision and guidance. :)
