Emotional blackmail from husband...
By fourjems08
@fourjems08 (550)
Philippines
December 15, 2010 10:16am CST
The problem is already present in my marriage since the day I went to live with my husband. We quarrel almost every night and I shed tears just as the same. I have come to point of leaving my husband for a hundred times and everytime I brought up the idea, he uses emotional blackmail on me like telling me I'm leaving him for another guy who is financially stable, rich, earning a good salary, etc...
We had another fight just recently due to his decision making which greatly affects our finances. Yes he had consulted me but did not listen to me when I disagreed and still continue with what he wants. I feel unrespected and my opinions are not valued. I told him I want to break free from our marriage because I can't do this anymore. I am weary and I've had enough of his stubbornness that had always put me into hard situations. I don't want my kids to grow up with a broken family but things just don't work between me and my husband. We always argue and doesn't meet at one point. He always go out of his way to do what he wants without being sensitive to my feelings. Now he blackmails me again telling me to ask monthly support to that God-knows-who person to sustain our needs.
I really don't know what's the right thing to do. To stay with my marriage knowing things won't work no matter how I try, or leave him and let him think whatever he wants and raise my kids alone? My mind is telling me to stay as I keep remembering the bible verse "Whatever has God united as one, let no one separates them". I am not having an affair with someone else. But my heart is telling me "enough", stop being a martyr, it's time to pick up the pieces of myself. What do you think?
2 people like this
12 responses
@strawberrychocodahi (4818)
• Philippines
15 Dec 10
I am just not clear about the black mail thing that you have said. But what is his reasons behind that. Were you in another relationship from the past that made him say ask money from "you know who"?
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You really are in a difficult situation when your man seems to put your past in your argument. But is not the main reason that you should leave him since the only thing I know of applicable and allowed is if the spouse committed adultery.
Pray to God and I do hope your a good example to your family because no hard-hearted person can stand if you have been so true and sincere in whatever you do to make your family together. Couples do really have differences but let him know how you feel about it too. Just keep a low-toned voice and remember that a harsh answer stirs up anger.
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You really are in a difficult situation when your man seems to put your past in your argument. But is not the main reason that you should leave him since the only thing I know of applicable and allowed is if the spouse committed adultery.
Pray to God and I do hope your a good example to your family because no hard-hearted person can stand if you have been so true and sincere in whatever you do to make your family together. Couples do really have differences but let him know how you feel about it too. Just keep a low-toned voice and remember that a harsh answer stirs up anger.
@momof3kids (1894)
• Singapore
16 Dec 10
Yes I totally agree with strawberry. How I 'manage' or able to tolerate is to change my ways with him. Since like what strawberry has said, he is not physically violent and you can still 'change' him.
He sounds like how my husband used to be with me too, he was not listening to me and doing things his own way. Now things seem to get better since I become calmer and speak to him nicely.
I think if you can speak to other couples, you will find out that their husbands are the same way. Maybe asian men are more egoistic.
@momof3kids (1894)
• Singapore
16 Dec 10
Oops I did say that I would 'exit' too, didnt I? Well he has just done something I am angry about and because it involves his beloved sister, I am trying to keep it quiet.
But I am still so mad that I am thinking ,'If only I can axe this altogether!', you know?
@cajunmomma (624)
• United States
15 Dec 10
Leave him! No matter what he says your reasoning for leaving is, and no matter how many times you tell him that you are not happy he will say things that will make you feel totally crappy. Who cares how he feels. If you don't feel like you are loved and valued by him, then you don't need him. It sounds to me like you are a convenience to him and nothing more. I am sort of in the same situation. My husband has done things to cause me to lose trust in him. If I had the money I would have left long ago. People today just take alot of things for granted and it sounds like your husband is one of them. Don't let him stop you. Do what you feel you need to do especially if it makes you happy and he won't try to make things work. Good luck! *hugs*
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
16 Dec 10
Thank you very much for your comforting response. I really wanted to leave him. The only problem I have now is that he won't let me. I have been asking for my freedom before but he won't give it to me. When I did not replied to his text messages (because he's working overseas), he assumed that I'm worried that he will not send money for support and that we will really be separating. I am not worried of money because I know I am capable of getting a job that can support my kids. What worries me is how to get him to agree of my decisions. I am planning to work abroad to get away from him.
@cajunmomma (624)
• United States
21 Dec 10
I agree with Tammytwo. He can't stop you especially if he is overseas. Just pack up your stuff and the kids and leave. Tell him that you need to do what is right for the children and you. Even if that means leaving him and of course he will give you the biggest guilt trip and possibly tell you that you are trying to steal the kids from him or keep the kids from seeing him. He won't try to work things out and now it is too late. You need to tell him all of this and tell him his guilt trips won't work and that when you get where you are going you will let him know. You should be able to leave freely anytime you want to. He will never ever agree to you leaving, because he knows he can say what he thinks you want to hear. Honestly, who cares what he thinks, because he doesn't care what you think and doesn't care to discuss your marriage and such. Do what you need to do and just remember that you are doing this for the betterment of your kids and yourself!
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
15 Dec 10
You absolutely should leave him. No one deserves to be treated that way and no child deserves to grow up in such a hostile and unhappy environment.
I don't know what the divorce laws are where you live, maybe you can make him pay you alimony or child support? If not, then I would say to put together a savings and get a good job so you can support yourself and raise your children on your own.
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
16 Dec 10
I want to be firm in my decision in leaving him. From the text I received from him he wants me to pay half in filing annulment since there is no divorce here in our country. Then the next thing I knew he texted me again and said he will not allow us to get separated no matter what. He's such a stubborn guy!
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
17 Dec 10
I'm very sorry you don't have divorce in your country. I think that's absolutely horrible.
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
16 Dec 10
Funny thing is that I've been packing things many times but in the end I always end up being persuaded to stay. When we moved to my sister's house, I can longer do that. I could not leave in my own sister's house, he should leave. But everytime I packed his things and drove him out, he won't leave. He's really such a hardheaded and stubborn guy. I don't know why I was always trying to save our marriage when he is the problem who refuses to be solved.
@inday_lorna1970 (1268)
• United States
16 Dec 10
Why It took so long for you to decide to leave him..when you already know in the beginning you are always fighting.?? I know I understand you, But if I were you it didn't last this long to stay with him..Follow your heart dear God will understand you! go ahead!
@inday_lorna1970 (1268)
• United States
23 Dec 10
Oh boy..your life is similar to my aunt with such thing of promises but we did our best to help her out of that miserable life she had for years..Now she has a good job and happy to start a new life. So i guess, God understand her. every time she do mass offer in the church for her freedom from wicked life.!
So it's up to you. Your decision can change or not on the journey of your life.!
@nicregi (1934)
• Malaysia
15 Dec 10
Hi there. What I can see is that you should take a period of time for yourself. I think it will be a good choice if you leave him (worst case scenario only) as he doesn't seem to listen to you. Well, it could be your idea is not good enough or he is just too arrogant to think that your opinion is worth a try.
If you want to mend your relationship, both of you can try seek marriage counselors and work things out if possible. If not, sometime it is better to take the another road less taken by others.
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
16 Dec 10
Actually I have been thinking about it for a very looong time since from the very beginning of our marriage, there were always arguments and misunderstandings. I have been with him for 9 years now. We have tried everything to work things out but there is this personality of him that always insist of getting what he wants even if I disagree. I am very tired of his attitude and for treating me like I always have what I want, I am being stubborn or I don't understand him. When the truth is, everyone agrees with me that he has the attitude problem and not me. My relatives and cousins are starting to dislike him already.
@tammytwo (4298)
• United States
20 Dec 10
Only you can make the right decision for you. But stop making empty threats. Don't tell him you are leaving, just do it. He continues to belittle you because he knows you will feel guilty. Don't LET him make you feel we guilty and talk you into staying.
You have to do what is best for you and the kids and you know that always arguing isn't good for anyone.
Take your time and look at the situation and decide if that is the way you want to live. If it isn't then decide when you will break free and do so. Don't tell him about just so he can stop you. Do it then let him know what you are doing.
@thedaddym (1731)
• United States
9 Jan 11
No where in there did I see anything about love. Do you love him? Do you think he still loves you? If so then you guys should really try some marriage councelling to see if you two can not work out your problems. It is worth a try to try and work things out before just up and leaving the marriage. He may not want to go to the councelling at first but if he realizes you are very serious about leaving him he will likely agree to anything to keep you. If not then perhaps you need to make a hard decision.
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
10 Jan 11
I really don't know. I feel I don't love him anymore. I don't like talking to him and I don't miss him even if he's working far. I am not excited that he's coming home. Right now I am confused coz he always tells me he loves me so much and he can't live without me.
@ebuscat (5935)
• Philippines
16 Dec 10
For me take another chance of and make the list about you husband mistake and make also list about your's and talk to it so that you know how to improve your married ;life and pray to Jehovah God that he can take the pain both in you.
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
16 Dec 10
Hmmnn, that would be a long list for my husband for sure, lol! But seriously, everytime we talk of each others faults, he admits it now and say sorry but time comes he would take it back again. He even wrote me a poem admitting it was all his faults why I drifted away from him. Why I fall out of love and fall to someone else. And that he will do anything to win me back again. But when I mention it to him again in the middle of our arguments, he would say it is my fault from the very beginning. I really don't understand him. It is pointless talking to him and settling things as I know everything will still be the same as it was.
@momof3kids (1894)
• Singapore
15 Dec 10
Sounds like your marriage is the same like a lot of other marriages including mine. If I have a lot of money i would go my way too but he loves the children and they love him back. Right now I feel that I am using him to keep things afloat until I have enough money.
Do things that make you happy and do not let him make you feel sad. As long as you know what you are worth (which is a million trillion zillion x infinity dollars), never believe what he says when he puts you down, just roll your eyes heavenward and walk away.
Try to start a business (maybe you can start baking cookies for a small fee) that can sustain you and your kids and when you get succe$$ful, decide what you want to do next.
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
16 Dec 10
I am thinking of working overseas and loose any communication with him. But at the same time, I am also afraid that he would fight for the custody of my kids. I don't want him to have my kids. They are mine. He even said before when we had a fight that those kids aren't his, and that they belong to another man. The nerve of him!
@Lance26 (956)
• Philippines
15 Dec 10
In a situation like this, a person seeking advises whether she would or wouldn't leave her partner is already made a decision for herself. Whatever it maybe, she's just basically want to know who's taking her side. I can't tell if this speaks for you too but just in-case the best thing I can suggest is to follow what your heart dictates.
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
16 Dec 10
I am person involved. And yes you're right. I have made my decisions but I wanted to hear other opinions regarding on this situation that I am. Whether I am doing right or I have been wrong all the time. Thanks for your response.
@Darkness101 (57)
• India
9 Jan 11
No Offence, but your man sounds like a jerk. Apart from being irresponsible and uncaring he brings baseless allegations against you. In a relationship it is the prerogative of both parties to make it work. You have tried to help him understand this, but he seems to be the incorrigible type. As a mother, to whom you owe more, Bible or your kids. It is your kids right to grow up in a healthy environment and religious beliefs should not come in the way of your children's well being if not your own. You already know what is the right decision. Go ahead and start life afresh.
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
10 Jan 11
Thank you for your response and understanding my situation. Most people here who knew what I'm going through would say "ignore the husband, wait till he realize his mistakes, or men are like that..just pray and he'll soon come to his senses". OMG! Am I to wait till my hair turns gray?!! What if he doesn't change? My life will be a waste..
