Do you believe your children when someone else accuses them of lying?
By rapunzelcat
@rapunzelcat (271)
United States
January 1, 2011 9:24pm CST
Last week at Christmas dinner my aunt made a comment in reference to an incident that occurred at her house last Easter (which I'll explain in a bit) that has me somewhat irked. She said she was disappointed that none of the boys would confess and that the parents chose to believe kids who were lying instead of backing her up.
The incident in question had to do with items that had been moved from their original location and disturbed somewhat, although not damaged. She was sure that one or more of the boys had done this, and got them all together and was demanding that whoever had done it confess. All 5 boys (my son and nephews, ages 10-19, although I don't remember if the 19-year-old was a "suspect" or not) denied having anything to do with it. By this point all the parents (myself and my siblings and their spouses) had gathered as well. She then announced she was going to question them one by one. When she did, the first boy she questioned said that he did it. She sent the other boys to the Easter egg hunt we were all missing and proceeded to question him further as to whether he had really done it. He then admitted he hadn't. Apparently he had only admitted it in order to put an end to the discussion, which of course it didn't.
So, I'm disturbed because we all just got accused of being "Those Parents," you know, the ones who don't believe their kids do anything wrong. I won't comment on my siblings, but I can tell you that I'm not! In fact, when something goes missing at my house, I have been known to accuse my kids!
In fact, I think it's just not as simple as that. She didn't exactly provide any proof that any of the boys had done what she said. We are all just supposed to agree that if something was disturbed, the boys must have done it. Where do you draw the line between holding kids accountable for their actions when you can't prove they did anything, and giving them the benefit of the doubt? How is a kid supposed to earn trust from adults if they are automatically mistrusted?
3 people like this
4 responses
@phoenix3423 (135)
• United States
2 Jan 11
I would have pulled my kids out of the mix and told her she was being unreasonable. who cares who moved what as long as something was not broken or stolen. I mean really sounds like there was a houseful of people and anyone could have done it even an adult. And questioning them one by one is just nuts. If she was that worried about someone messing with it she should have put it up before guests arrived. Now she looks like a moron in front of everyone else for freaking out over nothing. I believe my kids if I have a reason to think they are being honest and will be on their butt if I believe they are lying. So about half and half. but I never let someone else get on to my kids or accuse them of lying. If they think they have lyed they come to me and I call the suspect in and I do the interogation. Who better to know if they are lying than the parent?
@rapunzelcat (271)
• United States
2 Jan 11
Right, lots of times people will move something without thinking about it or even remembering doing it! So a person who didn't remember doing something, is going to say they didn't do it. That doesn't make them a liar.
Two things about my aunt I didn't mention: one is that she was a teacher for over 40 years, most of that time on military bases, so that probably has something to do with why she expects parents to just take her word for it. The other is that she has no kids of her own. I think the combination of these two things causes her to treat my siblings and myself, all in our 40's, like we're about 10 years old, and the teenage boys (and my daughter in her 20's) like they're all about 5 years old.
Thanks for your input!
2 people like this
@rapunzelcat (271)
• United States
3 Jan 11
She does get pretty stressed about company, to the point where she often comes off as looking like a bad hostess. Once we were at her house for a cookout. She had hamburgers and hotdogs both, and the hotdogs were apparently more popular than the hamburgers, as they were almost gone and there were plenty of hamburgers left. She was pretty irritated about this and got really huffy and made a big show of getting more hotdogs out of the freezer so they could grill some more. I think she had been thinking that the kids would eat the hotdogs and the adults eat the hamburgers and it would all come out just right. When it didn't happen that way, she wasn't very happy about it. If it were me, I think I would probably just say "sorry, guess we're out of hotdogs but there are plenty of hamburgers left" or if I had more I would just ask if anyone wanted more instead of making a big deal out of it.
@kingparker (9673)
• United States
2 Jan 11
I won't make judgment on other people's children. If they are my children, I must know them pretty well enough. From my general judgment and the personality I knew what they would do, I probably believe in their saying. I just hope that they won't lie to me. That is all I can say about it.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
3 Jan 11
fdrap;unzelcat that Aunt of yours was extremely unreasonable. to make a fuss over somehing being moved. my Gosh I have myslefd moved things in a friends house when looking at her collection of beanie babies as we are both collectors. she did not scream at me or accuse me of being bad at all. I never hurt anything but just picked up one or two as they were so darned cute,. we are so many times unfair to children by always accusing them of being the culprits when a lot of times it was done by some adult who was just looking, not planning on stealing. she is going out of her way to be snotty,. forgive me for saying that.My
goodness she sounds like the police or the gestapo and that is being really'
unreasonable.
goodness she sounds like the police or the gestapo and that is being really'
unreasonable.@rapunzelcat (271)
• United States
3 Jan 11
What got moved were some boxes of individual coffees for her coffee bar. One of my sisters thought that what happened is that the boys were sent downstairs to the tv room (where the coffee bar is) to eat dinner, as there isn't room for everyone upstairs. Apparently she hadn't set up a table for them, like she usually does, so a couple of them sat at the bar to eat. They might have moved the boxes out of the way in order to do that. Then, when it became an issue, whover did it might have been afraid to confess at that point! I probably would have been, as a child. I think she also said that the boxes had been opened, but that doesn't mean any of the boys did it, either. She did admit they weren't actually damaged, so unless she was planning to give them as gifts or return them to the store, the whole thing was just blown out of proportion.
I sort of wondered if she just saw an opportunity to create drama and took it. The way she confronted everyone about it almost seems like she thought the boys were going to be pointing fingers at each other and then the parents would be pointing fingers at each other and it would be just like a classroom of the kindergartners she used to teach. It's like she had a little script in her mind of how it was supposed to go, and when nobody followed it that just made her madder. I was actually pretty proud of the boys for not playing the blame game and especially proud of my nephew for being willing to admit to it even though she wasn't satisfied with the confession she got.
@Professor2010 (20162)
• India
5 Jan 11
Welcome to mylot and thank you so much for sharing the story in details.My kids are all grown up, well if some accuses of lying, i am neither going to believe the accuser, nor the accused blindly, till i findout the truth.
Professor ‘Bhuwan’. .
HAPPY NEW YEAR
@rapunzelcat (271)
• United States
5 Jan 11
That is a very reasonable attitude to have. Happy New Year to you also.
