I don't know what to do about my husband!
By Naylani
@Naylani (111)
United States
January 5, 2011 2:29pm CST
Well, here goes. I met my husband 5 years ago. Initially, I was not interested in getting in a relationship, but he was so insistant and he really persued and courted me. I finally fell in love with him and we had been together eversince. We had a great time together and we were very close, until recently. When I became pregnant in late 2008, we discussed that he would work and I would stay home with the baby. He wanted me to do this for two years, but I only wanted to do one year. Now, I asked him while I was pregnant, if he could handle the responsability of taking care of me and the baby and he was very possitive that he could, plus I realy wanted my child to be raised in a two parent home. I did not want to put her in daycare and 12 weeks, so I quit my job shortly before she was born instead of going on leave.
Well, fast forward...He was barely been able to keep just our basic bills paid, not because he is lazy, but because he would rather work a financially unstable job because it's his "dream job" instead of getting a job with better work hours, stable pay, and benefits. He is a highly skilled and educated man yet he refuses to get into a new line of work to better support our family. I had offered more than once to go back to work, but he just ignored me. Then in addition to trying to be a stay at home mother, I have to deal with collection calls, shut off notices, and weekly visits from the landlord, I have to deal with his distant and cold behavior. He stopped being loving or intimate with me, for several weeks. My attepts to communicate with him and work out the problem all failed. Finally, he tells me just short of a month ago that he's leaving for a job in another state. I was shocked and hurt and scared, I tried to get more info out of him, but it's all just vague responses.
Now he left almost two weeks ago, he left me with a stack of bills, a couple months behind on rent, and a 18 mo old baby. He said he would keep in touch and send money, but he doesn't know when, infact...everytime I ask him anything lately it "I don't know" I am currently looking for work, but I can tell this going to be difficult with the economy. How could I have made such a terrible mistake. I feel like all my dreams for my child are fading. I know that I could raise her myself, but I wanted her to have the benefit of two parents living together. I expected it to be rough "at times" thats why I stayed so long, yet I expected us to be able to work together and get through tough times. What do I do now?
2 people like this
9 responses
@fabsprecious (1565)
• United States
5 Jan 11
I am so sorry, that you are going through this especially now with a 18 months year old daughter. I know what a hardship the economy is and how difficult it is to get employment. I can't believe he did what he did, it is undescribable, to leave you and his child. I am a mother of two unfortunately I didn't get the luxury of being a stay home mom, my husband offered, but I knew that the way the economy was heading it would be safer for me to take leave and find a good daycare for my children. It was hard leaving them the first couple of weeks, both of my kids were 12 weeks old when I first left them at the daycare. I would cry every morning right after dropping them off. But I knew deep down inside they would be better off.
Right now, I know it may be difficult, because you are hurt and in shock and I don't blame, but you need to keep your head up. Start looking for a job, apply online try to get yourself stabilize not only for you, but your baby. I know you'll make it, I know that he is the love of your life, but he isn't there anymore so don't worry about him, worry about who cares which is you. Raising your child with two loving parents is beautiful, and a child should definitely be exposed to that, but you know what your baby has you his/her mommy, the love of a mother is everything. You'll make it you'll see.
Just remember to keep your head up. Think and live for the future try not to dread in the past it will only sink you. I wish you the best of luck and I will pray for you and your baby.
2 people like this
@apples99 (6556)
• United States
5 Jan 11
Fabsprecious I think your respons is right on the mark, in fact I agree with most of what you posted on the subject I think in this situation you have to stay strong and keep your head up as you said and try not to dwell to hard on things I beleve with time and effort things will get better.
1 person likes this
@lacieice (2060)
• United States
6 Jan 11
Since you apparently have no income, you should go and apply for cash assistance at your local welfare office. They will put you in touch with domestic relations who will track him down and make him be responsible financially. Since you have no money, getting legal help on your won might be difficult, but welfare and domestic relations will cost you nothing. My daughter had to do this, and she now gets monthy support checks deducted from his wages.
Also, you will qualify for medicade, which will take care of the baby's and your medical care. Don't hesitate...do it now.
1 person likes this
@jhartana (1084)
• Australia
6 Jan 11
Hi Naylani,
I just cannot imagine and I cannot believe how your husband would treat you like that. First, your husband must learn his place that he is now a FATHER. This is not a game and he must be responsible for feeding you and your daughter through the salary he's earning. He is just basically irresponsible, and he dare to leave both of you neglected with stacks of bills to pay. Paying bills are his responsibility and he must fulfill his duty. You must convince him so he can change the way he is now or you and your daughter will suffer. If I were you I would give an ultimatum to your husband and I would leave him with his daughter. He will never get a chance to see both of you. I know your situation and I know you can't do anything except to raise your daughter. Maybe you should start to look for other alternative like asking your close relative or family to help you temporarily. Maybe you can ask them to look after your daughter while you are looking for a part time job, in order to pay the bills. If I am wrong please don't take it seriously as I was just giving my suggestions to help you out. I am hoping that your husband will realise his mistake soon and comes back to you to ask for your forgiveness. Hope things will turn out for three of you.
@34momma (13882)
• United States
6 Jan 11
Naylani you are better off and so is your daughter. trust me as a mother of three children i understand wanting your child to be raised by both parents. every child needs both a mother and a father. however children are even better off with at least one parent who is willing to take care of them who is happy.
Being in a relationship like you just described can not be healthy for you or your daughter. what kind of man walks out on his wife and child leaving them with bills and no money?!?!
Your dreams for your child can still come true. Your dream for her should be to grow up to be a happy and healthy young woman who made better choices then you do. that's the dream we all have for our children!!
@jwfarrimond (4473)
•
5 Jan 11
He's basically deserted you and your child. I'd look to see if you have some legal way of forcing him to support you properly. Of course, that costs money, but perhaps there is a womens support group or citizens advice that you can turn to for support and advice in both the short and long term.
In the short term, I'd suggest you see what (if any) financial support you can get from the government or the state or from anywhere at all - family, friends anyone who you think might be able to help.
I say the long term because it seems from what you say, that he has no intention of returning to you to fulfill his obligations to you and your child and I'd be very surprised if you ever see a cent from him.
1 person likes this
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
6 Jan 11
Naylani,
I really like to offer some sympathizing pats and a warm hug for what you are going through. However, I hope you will not mind what I am about to say as I can see that you are going to face an oncoming tsunami onslaught from your stack of bills, rent and most of all an 18 month old baby to feed.
So, stop reveling in your fairytale expectations and start taking charge of your situation and life. No relationship is fairytale-like - it only apparently seemed so and we revel in them in a fairytale-like manner. Now, that you are in a lurk I hope you will start looking for alternatives with your creditors, a relative or friend to babysit your baby and get a job. Your utilities and rent will have to be your priority - see if you can get a loan from friends or parents whichever to tie you over, because you will need a roof over your head.
As for your man, I don't think there's anything to dwell or think about since he's not even around to work things out with. But, I must add that you should have picked up his incapability when he was barely been able to keep basic bills paid and most of all the alarming fact that he would rather work a financially unstable job because it's his "dream job" instead of getting a job with better work hours, stable pay, and benefits. And his blatant refusal to get into a new line of work to better support the family.
All these were actually alarms ringing right in front of you and I just felt sorry that you were unable to pick them up and come to your senses, to remain in your job instead of quitting. Since, all's done I suppose and hope that you will learn from this and pick yourself up here. If you ask me, I would tell you to expect the worse where chances are, he is already reconsidering this relationship/marriage, days way before he popped the shattering news and announced that he wants to work in another state. You can't spawn something out of nothing; surely, there are unseen issues going around without your knowledge that is affecting him subconsciously.
A seemingly smooth going relationship, at times, is not a good absolute measure for a relationship especially if scant emotional communication and deep conversation is relatively left amiss by the other party.
Take care as you ponder and move away from this predicament. Hope to hear more from you.
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
6 Jan 11
Naylani-
I hate to agree but the others are right you're husband isn't coming back. He's walked away taking the cowards way out. He's left you with everything. Anything in his name return to sender saying he doesn't live there. Call Legal Aid and file for divorce. They will provide you an attorney for free because you have no income. Go down to the local Foodstamp office and apply for Foodstamps and benefits. Give them all the information on your husband and the state will get involved and go after him for child support. They will dock his pay or he'll go to jail for failure to pay child support. If you are not already on WIC get on that because they will help you with basics for your baby.
As a part of your divorce ask for not only CS but alimony as well. In some states you'll be able to get it so that you can pay the bills for your daughter such as rent, etc. If you can get into public housing that will help you with rent costs, you can also look into income based housing as well and section 8. Also, they have child care services through the state department that can help give you vouchers to pay for daycare while you work! It is very helpful. Also, as a part of your divorce ask that he be responsible for all debt in his name. So all your bills he'd be responsible for paying and all you do is send the bill collector a copy of that part of your divorce decree.
I know this is an emotional time but you need to get started on the paperwork so that you can take care of that baby of yours.
Namaste-Anora
@frontvisions101 (16043)
• Philippines
6 Jan 11
Why don't you try bringing the baby to your parents. Just say that it's only temporary. I'm sure your parents will understand you. No grandparents wanna have a banged up grandchild, i'm sure. Then look for a job that pays good.
