Deciding not to have children - not the honest way
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85146)
Shingle Springs, California
January 7, 2011 2:42am CST
True story.
I have a younger cousin who got married. She was pregnant, and very happy about it too. I'm not sure how this happened, ultrasound or what, but she was convinced it was a girl, and was happily planning girl things for months. She was thrown for a loop a bit when a late ultrasound showed that it was a boy, but nobody could love a child more. Only her husband already had a son from a prior relationship, and decided that he didn't want more children. She did. So one day, without telling her, he went and had a vasectomy. She was devastated, but she accepted it. The marriage broke up for other reasons, and she had another son later on. Different story for a different day.
But here's the question, or questions. Two people are in a marriage, and just don't agree on a major decision. In this case, it's about whether to have more children. It's not right to force a person to have a child that they don't want, but it's not right to take that choice away from them either. But above all, it's not right to take the person's choice away like that, and tell them after the fact. The husband had every right not to want more children. But it was a major betrayal of trust to make the choice to have a vasectomy, and then let her in on it after it was a done deal. At the point when he made the decision, he should have told her up front and that he wasn't going to change his mind. He probably didn't want to deal with an argument about it. At that point, she would have had the choice to accept it, to argue, to walk away from the marriage, whatever, but at least it would have been above board, rather than sneaky and underhanded. So says "Dear Dawn" who gives great advice, but isn't so good about taking it.
In a perfect world, we'd all work these things out before marriage, before pregnancy. But, of course, my perfect little world just doesn't exist. The reality is that we often are face with choices that are uncomfortable, with mates who do things behind our back, and who disagree with us on major issues.
What would you have done if you were her? Or if you were him, for that matter?
12 people like this
38 responses
@saphrina (31551)
• South Africa
7 Jan 11
Hello Dawny.
Seems this is one of those cases where there isn't any trust between them.
He should have told her before she got pregnant that he didn't want more children.
What he did was the lowest ever.
I don't blame her for getting pregnant again, and honestly i don't care if it's another man's child.
Her husband took that pride from her.
I can't stand people who do that.
TATA.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 11
I suspect her pregnancy was an accident, but even so, he should have told her straight out before they got married.
The other guy is an even worse jerk though. Very sad story...
@bhabycatch013 (9150)
• Philippines
7 Jan 11
hello dawnald,
In any relationship communication and honesty should be on the top having a child is really a gift especially to a woman it completes her if her partner doesn't want to have any child with her at least he should be honesty on what he really feels becoz if i am the girl i will feel i was betrayed 
, if you are both in a relationship and a major decision will come up it is better to look for the best solution rather than breaking up.
Many parents in this world are unfortunate to a have their own child and those fortunate one they just waste the chances to be blessed to have a child.
happy posting 
, if you are both in a relationship and a major decision will come up it is better to look for the best solution rather than breaking up.
Many parents in this world are unfortunate to a have their own child and those fortunate one they just waste the chances to be blessed to have a child.
happy posting 
@fabsprecious (1565)
• United States
7 Jan 11
Dawnald,
You are absolutely correct, I feel that exact same way. I think it's sad that people who really want children in this world have difficulties and other's who don't care continue to breed and bring children into this world just to make them suffer.
1 person likes this
@bhabycatch013 (9150)
• Philippines
7 Jan 11
yes you are right and it is really sad a minute of lust turn into a nightmare for those unfortunate children.
a minute of lust turn into a nightmare for those unfortunate children.1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
8 Jan 11
Well not sure how I would have handled it.
as after 3 boys I had my hubby do that but we split after. He didnt need any more kids 2nd hubby told me years later that all he wanted was 2 boya nd girl and we had them but he had never said anything till they were way grown up.
I guess they should have talked it over before he did it but then it was to late for her wasnt it?
2 people like this
@shaggin (72226)
• United States
8 Jan 11
He does have the right to do to his body what he wants to do but I do think that him going and having it done then telling his wife was the wrong way to do it. He should have told his wife how seriously he didnt want any more children and the decision he had come to. Then he should have told her when he was having it done.
2 people like this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
8 Jan 11
I don't think he should have snuck. His choice could have affected her life forever. That's when it should be a shared one. These things go on all the time and in the oppisite manner too. Like the stories about women that stop their birth control. Noway that forcing a life changing choice on anyone is good.
2 people like this
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
7 Jan 11
Firstly I would be irate, as where was my choice now that the loving husband, if it were me that is, now cut me off of having anymore children as what if I wanted more children where does this now leave me.
This is the scenario as when people are dating, some will say up front, I love you and everything but I do not foresee children in my future, then as a "sensible' person we have the choice to proceed with the relationship or not. You cannot after the fact say it and expect it to be acceptable. So my thinking and logic here are the same.
He should have told her, first not after. Marriage life contains choices but while married the choices are supposed to be mutual, even if you agree to disagree but as a result you are sharing the choices.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 11
yeah that's the big thing, not that they disagreed on having children, but that he made the decision behind her back and didn't tell her until it was too late to do anything about it. Now maybe she would have tried to change his mind, and maybe he didn't want to deal with that, but he still owed it to her to have the discussion out of respect for her as his wife.
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
7 Jan 11
Forgot to add as to what I would do, in all honesty this might have been the be all that ends all, as a person who would want more children where does this now leave me. It is not like I had time to decide and or understand, the husband just ended my possibilities of furthering a family without my input. It also make me think that what else can he do that I would not be included in with as a decision like this is a really deep one.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
7 Jan 11
Hi dawnald!
To me it was grossly unfair on part of her husband to take a unilateral decision, without taking her into confidence. Though he might have taken the decision for the betterment of their future life, yet he should have consulted his wife before going for vasectomy. I believe that major decisions should not be taken by one partner, which can affect the married life drastically. It may be called high-handedness on her husband's part, who showed little regards and respect for her wife's choice or opinion about a vital issue.
Happy New year to you!
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58678)
• Delhi, India
7 Jan 11
Did you convey this message to her hubby?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 11
Oh no, I didn't know him well at all, and it was a done deal at that point anyway...
Actually, come to think of it, I don't recall that he ever came to family gatherings. Not sure if I ever saw him after the wedding.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 11
Right, he should have consulted her, even if his mind was made up, he should have told her beforehand, not after.
@derek_a (10873)
•
8 Jan 11
I would think that the secret vasectomy, did contribute a lot to the marriage break-up in the end, but obviously the main reason here is dishonesty. If he was dishonest in doing getting this thing done, then he was probably dishonest in other things as well. Them the relationship becomes defensive and has no chance at all.
I have had a vascectomy with my wife's full knowledge and support. Here in the UK it couldn't be any other way, at least I don't think so because we both had to go before a counsellor and answer a load of questions as to whether or not it was what we both really wanted. They wouldn't have considered doing it otherwise.
Nothing in the world is quite what is seems. As a Zen practitioner, I consider all situations and all relationships (close and otherwise) to be challenges that help us to grow spiritually. Whislt are minds are concerned with the rights and wrongs of thing, there is a much stronger universal energy at work that transcends what is good, bad, right wong, better, worse etc. _Derek
_Derek2 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Jan 11
I think I would have been so devasatated that I would be very
angry but being the wuss I have always been I would have finally
have made up and accepted what he did but it would probably have bothered me'all my life or I might even have decided to leave him as he was so underhanded.If I had been him I would have been very honest'if I really did not want any more children but its hard for me to fathom a man not wanting more children so I am not sure what I would have done but I would not have done what he did as it was underhanded and dishonest too.I think 'the man should probably have decided to end the marriage as they seem totally at opposite ends of the situation.If having a son by anoher marriage made him not want any more children maybe he should have called it a day and left her. I think maybe she would have been better off with someone who wanted children the same as she did. and I am
probably wrong here playing with others lives like that. lol
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Jan 11
at any rate the marriage didn't last - he had other rather undesirable traits...
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
7 Jan 11
It's just as bad as girls getting pregnant on purpose without letting the partner in on the fact that they're trying to get pregnant. That happens far too often! Then they wonder why the partner wants to leave them and the baby.
A girl I know had 3 kids, that were pretty much grown, when she met her boyfriend. After about a year of dating he decides he's leaving her because he had never been able to have kids, and wanted some of his own, but she'd already had her tubes tied. She's devestated, doesn't want him to leave, blah blah blah. After awhile they work it out and he stays with her and accepts that he can't have kids. Oddly enough, just a few months after this he admits that he'd been having an affair, and the girl he cheated with is now pregnant. He begs forgiveness and says he'll never cheat again, blah blah blah.. the girl forgives him! He ended up having a baby girl with the other woman, and as far as I can tell he's still in the child's life.. and my friend blames the other woman for everything!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 11
He has a right to set some limits, and I hope he does that...
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
7 Jan 11
I say, he made his bed, now he must lay in it. Like it or not, she's in his life for good. He and his family aren't the ones who have a problem with that.. it's the girlfriend. Well duh! If your man cheats on you and gets another girl pregnant, you have to expect that by taking him back, you're accepting the baby's mama into your life too. If that's too much baggage.. don't take him back! Apparently that's now how some people expect things to work!
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
7 Jan 11
Well the worst part is the baby's mama now expects to have a relationship (friendship) with the dad and his family and won't just be a silent pawn who watches the kid when the dad isn't around.
1 person likes this
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
8 Jan 11
In my opinion about this issue is that the husband is narrow minded enough to make that decision for being vasectomy. Or it is a kind being uneducated for not accepting of ones right to be heard and right to be refused...
If I am that husband. I don't let that happen because I believed that to stay in a good great family will be understanding and cooperation to each other...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Jan 11
Shows that he didn't care enough about the other person to show her the respect to let her know. It was all about what he wanted and nothing else.
@madteaparty (2748)
• Japan
7 Jan 11
Well, I'm a person who doesn't want to have children, so I can't really put myself in the same situation as hers.
I think that having kids or not is something to be talked in a couple, and if at least one of both doesn't desire to have kids, it's better not to, as a kid deserves to be loved by both parents, but if one of the parents didn't wish to have kids the parental relationship won't be good.
People with a maternal or paternal instinct can be very forceful when it comes to wanting to have kids, so I think he took the right decision.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 11
I respect his decision to have a vasectomy, but not the way he went about it.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 11
Oh definitely, and she may have known, but just didn't realize his mind was 100% made up. Again, I don't know for sure.
@velvet53 (22533)
• Palisade, Colorado
7 Jan 11
This is a topic that should be discussed before marriage. If she did know then she walked into the relationship accepting the fact that he didn't want anymore children. If she didn't know then he should had made it a point to tell her.
1 person likes this
@fabsprecious (1565)
• United States
7 Jan 11
Wow, that is a difficult situation, I personally believe that is a bit of a betray in his part, he should've been open about it and confronted about his concerns or issues, instead of doing a vasectomy behind her back. A relationship/marriage is about honesty and being able to trust the person.
Understandably he already had a child in his previous relationship, but he has also got to understand that he current wife has never had a child of her own, it's not the same thing when you are raising a step-kid, as a mother/women most of us want to have your own children, even if you are in a relationship with someone who already has children, those aren't you own. I personally believe he should've been more open with her, that is probably why most of his relationships fail, because of lack of honesty and communication. What he did was wrong, cruel and deceitful, he should've discussed this with his wife.
If this where to have happened to me, I don't think I could ever trust that person again, and taking away my want to be a mother is unforgivable especially without discussing it with me and if there's no honesty and/or communication in a relationship I don't think I stay with that person. I like to be open and talk about things when I have problems, luckily so does my hubby I think that's probably why we have lasted and are as happy as we are together. If there's no trust or communication there's no relationship, I personally don't think it will work.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 11
Eventually it did not work out, though I think, in the end, that it had more to do with money...
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 11
It had nothing to do with the gender of the child. He just didn't want to have another one, period.
@fabsprecious (1565)
• United States
7 Jan 11
You are absolutely correct a child is a god's gift to any parent, that last thing on a person's mind should be what the gender is, only be hopeful and wish that, that beautiful gift god has given you is healthy so that you as a parent can enjoy every moment with them.
1 person likes this
@TheGreatWhiteBuffalo (4822)
• United States
15 Jan 11
Same story different scenario it will usually lead to divorce the deceit continues to fester and one lie leads to another eventually the victim will wake up and take a stand against all the lies, at that time you have another free agent looking for an honest mate in a world filled with lying scum.
Looking for a diamond among the roughage...
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
12 Jan 11
Lots of women who are supposed to be on the pill stop taking it without telling their partner and start tasking it without telling...I believe it's common practice. That's just wrong in so many ways.You are right about all this stuff being sorted out BEFORE the wedding and making all those vows.
If I were him, I wouldn't do what he did. If I were her I would have been gobsmacked and felt terribly hurt and betrayed.
The two of them should have sat down and talked about it and reached a compromise acceptable to both. OR they should have split up...the bloke should get castrated for being a selfish preek.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (63643)
• United States
8 Jan 11
I guess someone has to be happy they are having a child. I didn't want children, and figured that if I never got married the problem would never come up. Worked well with me, but of course, I also never had any of the "perks" of marriage (if there really are that many)...
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
11 Jan 11
I agree with you that what the husband did in this case was a major betrayal by having the vasectomy knowing she would not agree with his decision. I think that is a lousy thing for someone to do and if it were my partner I am not so sure I could readily forgive, in fact it would more than likely be the end for me…They should have discussed the matter beforehand and, although the outcome may have been the same, it would have been less of a betrayal for her...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Jan 11
Really they should have discussed it before they got married. I'm going to bet that he already knew at that point that he didn't want any more children.
@marguicha (223753)
• Chile
7 Jan 11
I think your cousin´s husband was absolutly selfish. I know men think different from women, but when you are married you should ask your spouse about any mayor decision, even if it´s his body. There´s a lack of respect and a breach of trust there.
Many people (most of them, I imagine) associate marriage with children. They need to talk is they want them, how many, what if they cann´t have then and all that even if life changes the pattern later.
I would say good riddance but, as you say, it´s not the question to this and things in life are not that simple.
I can´t place myself in his shoes though: he´s not the kind of human being I like.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 11
He turned out to have a few other undesirable traits too....
