How to Forgive And Forget.....
By cajimenez
@cajimenez (452)
Philippines
January 15, 2011 1:43pm CST
These discussion is in connection with my last post When In Doubt.. My friend found out that the suspicious letter of her husband about having an affair with his old friend is true.. She confronted her husband about his whereabouts on the said date where he and that friend had been spending time together. The husband lied and made an alibi that he's been at his parents house. My friend did not insist that he was lying. Instead she pretends that she believe him..
The following telltale signs that she observe on her husband were... His husband now seems afraid and seems to be out of focus whenever they were having conversation. He put a password on his cellphone which he is not doing before (they were open on each other cellphones) When she ask him if she can see his phone, the husband defensively said that she can't. My friend did not insist anymore.. Whenever they make love, my friend notices something different from his husband.. My friend is very angry and in pain. But she knows if she tells his husband that she knows the truth, he'll go to the other woman. She did not want it to be that easy for both of them. She wants them to feel the pain they had inflicted on her. She now becomes a better wife for her husband but she knows that his husband's affair is not yet over.. Do you think she is doing the right thing..Killing them with kindness???
9 responses
@saphrina (31551)
• South Africa
15 Jan 11
Hi sweetie.
Sorry to hear that he did have an affair.
Men like that really doesn't deserve women like your friend.
I actually wish she will leave him.
If they cheat once, they will do it again.
It's men like that which make it hard for most women to trust them.
I wish her all the best.
PS: To kill someone with kindness will not do at all.
She will be the one getting hurt in the end.
As those 2 won't care about what she do to be a better wife at all.
TATA.
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
15 Jan 11
Absolutely saphy as when she does not get the set intention accomplished she is going to grow deeper in depression and hatred will kick in.
@cajimenez (452)
• Philippines
15 Jan 11
My friend sees her husband crying. And she pitied him for being such a weakling. This is the first time that her husband did such thing. She believed the reason why her husband lie as not to hurt her...
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
15 Jan 11
Oh gosh am so sorry that it actually was true. What your friend is doing is not going to make anything change the fact that the husband has cheated. In fact what is going to happen is he is either going to get use to her ways and or complain that she is not the women she use to be.
All to justify of the cheating. I really wish your friend the best but can certainly tell you that once a man cheats they do it again and again, only that each time they become more astute in hiding it so that it is not discovered.
Besides just because he was caught and or admitted to it does not mean the affair has not stopped. Your question is how to forgive and forget. One can eventually forgive but one will never forget.
Tell you friend to focus on the never forget, this way this will never happen again. I have much to much experience in this area and will never allow another man treat me this way.
I do wish your friend well as it truly has to be a very difficult situation.
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
15 Jan 11
Quite difficult indeed, and I know this first hand. I do hope she thinks of herself first.
Here is something someone told me years ago. That no matter what anyone says she will never leave her husband. When she is ready she will, but until then nothing anyone says will change it. Unfortunately the women opens her eyes way, way later and the years have past.
I wish her well
@cajimenez (452)
• Philippines
15 Jan 11
That is a possibility.. I cannot relate to it, The only thing I advised my friend is do what she thinks is right and what makes her feel better...
@cajimenez (452)
• Philippines
15 Jan 11
I don't know what to say except that I am worried that my friend will become a bitter person. But she still loves her husband and she knows that her husband loves her too... But I don't believe that their relationship will have a brand new start for there are memories that pains her so much...
@zeciram (161)
• Philippines
16 Jan 11
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. You know what, killing them with kindness is not always effective. I think it depends on the personality of the husband. But based on my experience men cannot be killed with kindness... they are not sensitive enough. I used to do that kind of thing when dealing with my husband... it didn't do us any good. I continued to feel miserable... more and more everyday since I felt I invest more of myself in every kindness that I show and which, I thought he neglects. I was advised by a friend that men typically do not read between the lines. They prefer to be told direct to the point. Personally, I will discuss the problem with the husband and accept whatever he will do as a result of my action. Anyway, if he had the guts to have an affair, it only means that he does not give a damn about my feelings, thus, I don't think he is not worthy of my love and commitment.
However, I cannot say if your friend is doing the right thing because she knows her husband more. What is important is that in whatever she does she is ready to accept the consequence so that she will not blame herself or anyone else for whatever will happen as result of her decision.
@rameshchow (4426)
• India
16 Jan 11
"....they(men) are not sensitive enough.",
It is not correct for all men. Some are so sensitive, because i know very well.
@aleejaff (17)
• United States
15 Jan 11
A very important factor is the intensity of relationship between your friend's husband and that other woman. Is he cheating because he is not one woman man, he always need variety? Or is he cheating because he found someone more impressive who stunned his mind? Or is he cheating because he was not getting enough from his wife? According to my own belief, its very important to understand people and the reason why are they doing it. Once your friend know the reason, she will know what she has to do for her future life. I pray that she will be happy.
@cajimenez (452)
• Philippines
17 Jan 11
The husband cheated because they have some misunderstanding. He sought the comfort of an old friend whom he sees in a high school reunion. My friend believe that this is the first time that her husband had ever cheated. Thank you, aleejaff for sharing..
@aleejaff (17)
• United States
17 Jan 11
If it is his first time then your friend must understand and eliminate the reasons that trigger such a response. We should not forget that we all are humans and humans are bound to make mistakes. Although unfaithfulness is not something easily forgivable. But still if you really love a person you should understand him. And one mistake is TOLERABLE. She should focus on the point that no such misunderstanding would ever happen again and try to give him as much emotional comfort as she can. Try to go with him on a vacation. Presence and Absence are two very important factors in relationships, practically.
@lloyd0124 (36)
• Philippines
16 Jan 11
It really feels bad if somebody cheated on you. I understand if she's like that because maybe she don't want to have a broken marriage and she loves her husband so much.Does she ever tried to talk to her husband? I mean, about the affair to another woman? But if I were at her shoe she must give herself an ultimatum about being innocent of what her husband is doing...
@cajimenez (452)
• Philippines
17 Jan 11
My friend ask her husband about it in a subtle way,,the husband lied.. I guess my friend indeed love her husband... Thank you Iloyd0124...
@rameshchow (4426)
• India
16 Jan 11
forgiveness is our greatness, forgetting is depends on the person how much he/she occupied a place in our heart with their good/bad moments.
@grecychunny26 (9483)
• Philippines
18 Jan 11
Well, if that is her decision maybe that is the best way to stay keep her husband. Some women act like that, they give kindness instead of bashing or torturing or having in pain of what their husband done to them. But as the bible said, act with kindness and you will be blessed. Maybe that is what she is doing and there is nothing wrong with it. Maybe in that way, her husband will realize what he was done and get back to her rather than putting up a fight, give a hard time on their children's life if they have and ruining the happy family they once have.
@jasmeena (846)
• Indonesia
16 Jan 11
So sorry to hear that. Your friend is in denial, in my opinion. She pretends as if thing is OK. May I ask you about how long her hubby has been having affair?have they talked about that openly?I think it is very hard to forget, to forgive is easy, maybe if it is by word"Ok, I forgive you", but inside her heart, who knows?In my opinion, it is time for your friend to talk openly with her hubby. It doesn`t mean that she confronted him directly bout the affair, maybe she can start by expressing her feeling about how different he is or whatever,i think she knows better. Hope they both have commitment to save their marriage.
@rameshchow (4426)
• India
16 Jan 11
Few years back my friend's brother is also done like that only.
And he also put a password to his mobile and maintained secrecy in all financial matters, he spent more money to his girlfriend(already he is married)...
It is not correct to killing the confidence of our family members on us.
Time and situations can learn to those people who is living for their, and who were tried to rob him.
