HELP! - Don't know how I should feel or act
By emarie
@emarie (5442)
United States
January 17, 2011 4:17pm CST
This is going to be long, so those who read it please respond seriously. I'll try to break down my situation so far so you can have an idea about me.
I've been married for 8 years and we have 2 sons together.
We're like most families making a living paycheck to paycheck.
I'm a Stay at home Mom so I haven't worked since my eldest son was born 8 years ago.
My husband got laid off from his Job over a year ago and still hasn't found anything.
He's going to school for web design because it can make more money (online college).
We've been living off unemployment for over a year (barely-doesn't cover rent).
We have bills piling up that we can't pay and we can't even pay for our car right now.
We live in a small 1 bedroom apartment.
So that's things to keep in mind for my story.
Okay, for about 2 years now my husband has been keeping in contact with a female friend of his (actually an ex-girlfriend). She's married to an abusive man (illegal as well) with 2 small children. Her husband hit her, spat on her, is verbally abusive to her and openly cheats on her with various women in front of her. So my husband, being the noble and kind man he is, kept talking to her and helping her. She lived in the same state as us, but quite a drive away. So after so many years of trying to comfort her and telling her to leave, she finally calls the police and has her husband arrested. Trying to seize the moment of her husband not being there, she and my husband arrange for my husband to come pick her and her children up in our van and bring her here to our apartment. (please keep in mind the above)
I know he wants to help her and her children, so trying to be an understanding wife, I hesitantly let him go. I let him know that I didn't think it was a good idea at the time because of our own situation (his parents thought the same as well) and I let him know I had a bad feeling about all of it. But he goes anyway saying it's alright and he needs to do this now. So he leaves on a 6-10 hour drive to get his friend. Later that night he calls me after he gets her and is on his way back, and tells me the car broke. We have little money in our bank account and he's stuck in the middle of no where. To me at that time. I suspicions were confirmed. Something bad did happen.
Fast forward to 2 days later and a $300 rental truck to tow our broken van 200 miles back to our house and an additional rental car for her and her kids (which we fronted the bill for most) they come here and park their butts into my living room. I'm already upset about the fact that we lost more money and are now in jeopardy of not being able to pay rent and getting kicked out of our apartment. And to add to all that we have a broken car that can't go anywhere. My life was completely turned upside down and now I had to play the nice wife and allow another woman (who had been with my husband before) and her kids who beat, fight, and don't listen to a word she says, stay with me and my children in a cramped 1 bedroom apartment. She has no money to help with rent, and can only buy food with her EBT (government food stamps) card (which I have one as well so it doesn't matter to me). And did I mention her kids were completely unruly?
So I really don't like to be around her that much and I try to put on a smile and live in this circus of a house which used to be peaceful. Now it feels like every other day I'm upset with my husband for one reason or another. I've let him know how I feel but he says he couldn't just let her and her children continue to live in that environment. But it's not like she's mean or rude, she's just absent minded and to me it doesn't feel like she's doing much to get herself out of my house. She hasn't found a job or looked or called around to see where else she could go. She wants to help with food, but that's a place I Don't need help in and the only thing we didn't have to worry about.
But along with all that I have to deal with the fact that she's my husband's ex. And she didn't even come face to face with me about that. I don't even know if she thinks I know. But to back track a little, when I first met my husband, she'd moved back to where we lived before because she still had feelings for him after so many years and tried to get him back (this was in 2001). I remember back then we had an argument about that because I'm an insecure and jealous person. My husband doesn't show much affection aside from wanting "it" and didn't help out around the house (even when he was unemployed) and we had fights and fights about it months before this all happened. I was upset that he wasn't trying hard enough to get a job and he kept telling me I had to clean up better and take care of our kids better. So bring this other family into our lives doesn't help our marriage at all. Now he's trying to help out and clean ONLY because his friend is here. And a few days ago he tells me that she was still in love with him till 2005 (after she was married and had her first child) and "got closure" when she went to visit all the places they had been to together. (I don't know about you other ladies but that doesn't sound like freaking closure to me).
SO now I'm paranoid about my husband and her. That have a history together, and they even smoke together outside all the time which I'm allergic to smoke so it's physically affecting me as well when I can smell it on both of them.
I'm at such a loss. I've told my husband all of this but all he tells me is there's nothing to worry about and we just have to help her get back on her feet. I'm a nice person, I like to help people in need, but I feel like I'm at my breaking point. I feel horrible at times for just wanting to tell her to take all her stuff and leave. I just don't want her in my house anymore. Because of her my husband is worried about her and not much about my sons (which one told me recently he just wants things to go back to normal and my other son doesn't like her kids fighting all the time). Am I a bad person for feeling this way? She can't stay with us for long, but it seems like the longer she's here, the more of a financial burden there is on our family. I sometimes don't even like coming home. My husband is constantly busy with school work, sleeping or talking to her that I just feel like isolating myself into a corner and hiding while still maintaining his 'perfect wife' image that we had arguments before hand (me cleaning and maintain a spotless kitchen and house). I've cried to much within the past few weeks that I feel like my tears have dried up and I just become mad all the time. He doesn't like me talking to others about our situations and problems because he doesn't think everyone gets the whole story. (he'll probably hate me for doing this). But I have no one to vent to about this situation because I keep talking to him and I just keep getting more upset. He doesn't ease my mind, he just makes it worse.
Please if anyone has any opinions on this matter or advice on what I can do mentally, emotionally, or physically please let me know. I'll try to respond to all.
THANK YOU.
6 people like this
15 responses
@ptower76 (1616)
• United States
18 Jan 11
I really feel for you in this time of personal tribulation for you. While I try to empathize with you, I really cannot put myself in your predicament because I cannot see myself doing this to my wife or accepting my wife do it to me. If it would have been me, i know what my wife would have said to me and so I would not have even considered asking her. She would have told me, "you might as well rent a motel with that money and don't fix the car because you don't live here any longer." I know i would have told her much the same thing. Bring an ex that has not gotten over my spouse into the home to make our situation worse than it already is is simply not an option. Unfortunately, i don't see how your husband can even consider doing that to you. Worse, I don't see how you could have allowed it.
If your husband had consideration for you and simply wanted to help her, he would have driven her to first battered woman's shelter he could find. Funny thing is that if he would have done that, she would be better off than you and your husband are now because they would have found her emergency shelter, furniture, clothing, food, money, etc...
As a man I only have one piece of advice for you, put them both out. Can that be any worse emotionally, menatlly, or physically? Seems to me your husband really doesn't care how you feel. Your husband will find his way back alone if that is what he really wants. The longer you tolerate the behavior, the longer they will behave that way. You ever heard the expression "having your cake and eating it too?" Your husband is a perfect example. I don't believe for one moment that your husband's intentions are pure. Do you? Seems to me your husband has not gotten over her yet.
Once again the best way i see to help that woman is to get her out of your home and into a battered woman's shelter. Nowadays, those shelter's are really quite nice to live in. Modern and all. Suggest to your husband that it is the best way to help her. If he resists, then you know he desires her to be present in the home and is really trying to help himself. I must apologize if this seems harsh, but harsh problems require harsh solutions. And ask yourself, how is this situation truly affecting you and your children?
Once again I apologize for sounding insensitive to your love for your husband, but it seems to me his motives need closer scrutiny.
2 people like this
@emarie (5442)
• United States
18 Jan 11
That's a thing that I do feel bad able, letting him bring her here. But he felt there was no other option when I felt there could be other solutions. Shelters only house her for a week and then pretty much kick her out. She was in contact with several people there and I had felt she was better off there then staring off a new here and I had told him that several time. He felt it would be better here and safer here. So shelters weren't an option for him because of that fact. She had already tried to go to a battered woman's home and because she wasn't in immediate danger (like he didn't already try to kill her) she was placed on a 3 month waiting list.
But your words and things that ring in the back of my mind sometimes. He's telling me that he didn't even know if he loved her that much back then but he's the type that can't turn down a friend in need. Like I said in the other responses. I don't doubt him as much as I would doubt her own intentions. It may not be romantic, but I do think she is depending on my husband too much.
Thank you for your words and I'll think about those type of thinks.
1 person likes this
@ptower76 (1616)
• United States
18 Jan 11
Well, I don't know where your from exactly, but as far as I am aware, homeless shelters where kids are involved are pretty much long term until suitable housing is found in most states in the United States. If the woman was alone, I would believe that excuse. I worked in what is known as a tier 111 family homeless shelter. Residents receive studio apartments with kitchen and private bath, new furniture and kitchen utensils along with new bedding for each new resident, free day care for children with free breakfast and lunch for them, a social worker to link families to resources namely benefits, jobs, and housing, and 24 hour security. As a social worker, i would be interested in a shelter that places a formally abused homeless woman with even one underage child on a 3 month waiting list. (Think about the publicity a shelter would get if it turned down a family that seeks help and something tragic happens to the family during the so called "waiting period.") This would be a social injustice to turn her away from the help she needs. In most social welfare agencies i am familiar with, she meets top priority emergency benefit status.
If as you say that your husband's only intent is to genuinely help her, then he is going about it the wrong way in my opinion. It is about "self-determination." As long as she is receiving help from him, she is not forced to make decisions that will truly positively change her life. There is a old saying in my profession. "Give a person a fish and you feed that person for one day. Teach the person to fish and you feed that person for a lifetime." Sometimes our genuine desire to help others stops them from getting the help they truly need. I am really concerned about you in this matter since I don't see a positive outcome for you as long as the woman and her children reside in your home, which by the way, from your own words i gather is becoming less of a home every day.
Again i must apologize that I don't mean to sound insensitive to your plight. Too bad she does not live close to me, as a social worker I have a long list of referrals for agencies that would help her. Perhaps if i knew where you lived I might be able to find some close to you. Hang in there.
1 person likes this
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
18 Jan 11
emarie,
YOu have a very difficult situation on your hands and although your husband wants to help this woman it is not his responsibility and certainly not yours and your children responsibility.
I dare say to you put your foot down fast, but it appears that your husband is not going to make things change as you say you have spoken to him and apparently he does not seem to believe there is an issue with the circumstance.
My suggestion is that you tell your husband that something has got to change. Surely he has to understand that your children and you are his ultimate responsibility and why would he further hinder your family this way.
If at worse I would say TELL, your husband that she has to do MORE in your home. I would say that if your husband is taking yoru pleas to repair the situation by a grain of salt that you confront both of them and flat out tell them.
Something like I understand you are down on your luck, but I feel that for the sake of my children and yours some things need to change.
First of, why is she even smoking as it is not a cheap habit.
At any rate, I do wish you well, as I can simply say that if it were me, my husband would have to make a fast decision as the ex or his family. This is not easy but if you do not do something, I am afraid to say you are going to see and have the effect of the wrong end later.
You are allowing room for him to have a secret affair right under your nose and or you he is allowing your family into a homeless situation. So please remember that this disruptive situation is affecting your children as well.
I do wish you well and hope resolution which ever way comes soon.
2 people like this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
17 Jan 11
Wow, emarie... I am sorry that you have to go through such a difficult time. I can feel your pain and frustration through your words. It seems to me that your husband wants to be this woman's hero. He wants to be the one to "save her" from her problems, even though it is imposing on his family and is actually causing you financial hardship.
I'm not saying that it's wrong to want to help someone in trouble. However, you said he was in contact with her for two years during her abusive relationship? It would seem to me that, in two years, he could have helped her to find local resources to extricate herself and her children safely from their situation. He wants to help her but you don't seem to be in a strong position yourselves for him to be giving so much to this woman and her children. For your own sanity and for your family and marriage, you need to put your foot down and quickly.
You have been more than understanding in allowing this to go on because it doesn't seem like your husband consulted with you about doing this... it seems more like he told you he was doing it, after setting it up with the other woman. You need to let him know that there is a fixed amount of time that you are willing to have her in your home (two weeks, one month, etc.) and that she needs to be working daily at finding help for herself and her kids (a job, a place to live, etc.). She also needs to be given specific tasks/chores to do while she is in your home - she's an adult and it's not a hotel. She has to be planning a life for herself and her children and not a life that means living with your husband. He's in no position to be supporting her... he has a wife and children of his own.
I won't even speculate on the fact that they were in a relationship before... I wouldn't be able to stand that part of it either and I would question his motives in that regard. But, I'm willing to concede that I'm not a very trusting person because I've been in a similar situation. I was in a relationship with a guy that was still "helping" another woman that he had been interested in at the same time as me. She was able to control and manipulate him by always being "sick" (she lied about having cancer) or "abused" (she lied about having an abusive boyfriend) and he'd rush off to be the hero for her too. She actually just wanted money and an errand boy to be at her beck and call and he fell for it every time. He even asked me for money, lied about what it was for -- and gave it to her. Being needed by that woman was a big ego stroke for him and she fully took advantage of it because she got whatever she wanted. Please don't let yourself in for a situation like that... it's just a world of hurt. You need to regain some control -- it's your life, your home and your family too... you have a right to your stipulations about how long this will be tolerated. Good luck to you... take care.
2 people like this
@emarie (5442)
• United States
18 Jan 11
Thanks for your words and I do agree. I set my foot down and let my husband know everything I've said here. He understands and he's trying to comfort me in whatever ways he can. I told him I want her out as soon as possible and our rent agreement will only allow us to have company for 2 months. So she NEEDS to be out by then or we risk even more. I told flat out (over the phone) that he went out and tried to be a hero and screwed the rest of the family into the ground. I don't even know if I fully forgive him until he can figure out the rent, fix the car, and get her out of here.
I feel sorry for what you went through, and I can somewhat sympathize since I was used once as well. Actually, my husband and I have both been cheated on, him by his ex-wife, me my ex boyfriend (the one right before my husband). I discussed his feelings for her and he said that he cares for her, but he doesn't love her. He doesn't even really know if he loved that much when they dated. I'm more worried about her feelings, although he said, she told him she doesn't have any desire to be involved with a guy. But I do think she's going to try to depend on my husband WAY too much. I'll let him know that and I don't know how much more firmer I can be on the issue other then telling him to get her out now.
Thanks again.
2 people like this
@pixeltwistr (613)
• United States
18 Jan 11
WOW!! There is sure a TON of stuff going on here....so lets try to break it down bit by bit if we can...
First of all financial hardship is one of the biggest causes of divorce...and even though pretty much the entire country is going through financial hardship now it doesnt make it feel any better for you personally....IF it were only the financial situation you were going through would say to wait a little while longer before making any decesions because when you are broke and not able to live the way you are used to emotions run high...however you have on top of that ALL of this other stuff going on...
We are in pretty much the same boat financially....the contractor my husband subbed from went under two years ago and he just recently found a minimum wage part time job...there are 3 of us living in a very small one bedroom and it is driving me crazy and you have two kids so....the lack of space plus the lack of money puts a huge strain on your relationship but you cant really blame your husband for that because its not his fault that the economy tanked so you just keep going as best you can.
Now let me tell you though...if my husband started talking to an ex again I would tell him in no uncertain terms that that is NOT acceptable and that he would have to decide wich he would rather have...her or me...period...and if he didnt stop talking to her then i would leave....I do understand that this lady was in an abusive relationship and i dont know her situation as far as people to help her....but let me tell you that years ago when i was in my early 20s i was in an abusive relationship for 4 years...i had no family or friends at all to help me get out but eventually i still managed to get out....she is NOT his responsibility...YOU and your CHILDREN are his only responsibility now.....i dont care if he wants to be her hero or wants to be liked or whatever....he should be worrying about being YOUR hero! And i hate to say this but i just can not ignore the elephant in the room here....he has been talking to her for about two years now...most of that time without your knowledge correct? AND when he went to pick her up (against YOUR wishes) the car just conveniently broke down???? I am curious....did it just happen to break down AFTER he picked her up? or before he got there? AND did this break down cause him to not be able to come home that night?? HMMM....i know you know where i am going with this....sorry hon but NO guy just talks to any woman for 2 years...especially not when he has a wife at home that he can talk to...and especially if she is someone he has already been with in a biblical way...if you havent noticed men dont really like to talk that much! And i am curious...does he spend mega amounts of time talking to you? And now this woman is living in your home and acting as though she belongs there?? Hello....if someone helped me out of an abusive relationship and gave me a place to stay i would be very appreciative...i would not only be trying to find a job so i could get my own place but i would be cooking and cleaning for you and taking care of your kids whenever you wanted....she should help out with food stamps because she added 3 mouths to you household!
Now you have to ask yourself some questions...i dont want to be harsh i just am trying to answer because you asked so please dont take what i say wrong....it is necessary to face reality if you really want a solution...
so did you write all of this because you truely dont see that there is a huge problem or because you really dont want to face that there is a huge problem? Because for whatever reason IF you are not ready to face a possible split up then dont ask the questions because once you do you cant unask them....First you need to ask yourself what do you really want to happen here? Be honest...no point in lying to your self....Then you need to think of ways to get what it is you want to happen.
IF tis were me ...and it is NOT me it is you so i am only saying what i would do...I would have left him already.....BUT before you leave or even before you give him some ultimatum like she has to go or i will...you need to make absolutely sure you are prepared to deal with the outcome whatever it may be....if you leave when you are not truely prepared to thinking he will come after you then you will be up the proverbial creek without a paddle....So IF you do decide to leave him understand that that may be it....he may not come after you and you may no onger be in a relationship with him....are you ready for that? But honestly if you arent ready for that then ask yourself WHY? Because he is walking all over you and you are taking it....whats in it for you....but way more important is how is all this effecting your kids? They come first and it is important that you make them happy and safe and also it is important that they dont learn that it is ok for one person to treat another this way.
Now then after reading everything you said here is what i THINK is going on...i may be wrong it is just what i think but....i think they have more going on that just talking and i think that he knows you are miserable and doesnt much care...i honestly think that he is hoping you will leave so he can be out of the relationship without being the bad guy....his way all he is doing is helping a friend and if you leave him then you just werent patient or understanding enough....poor guy...THAT IS BULLSH*T.......you have already put up with way more than almost any woman would! YOU have done nothing wrong and you certainly have NOTHING to feel guilty about...stop trying to blend into the woodwork in your own damn house and tell him and his ex to make other arrangements or make other arrangements yourself and let them have the place!
Hope this helps you some and i hope it didnt sound mean....
1 person likes this
@emarie (5442)
• United States
23 Jan 11
yes, venting did help. I always used to bottle up my feelings and that led to a disastrous result back when I was a teenager that led me to be in the hospital under watch for a week. Needless to say, I started to feel myself going in the same direction the day after I initially wrote it because I couldn't properly talk everything out with my husband. Now we both have the same issues as to try to get her out of our place. He's been telling me on several occasions he wants her out too because he wants his family (including his wife) back.
I am young. I'm only 27 myself and I was 18 when I was married to him. He was my first real love and I had been cheated on myself. But he had the same experience with his ex-wife and doesn't want me to be in the same situation. He doesn't want to hurt me and he was honestly sorry he didn't think things would turn out this bad. I told him he always lectured me about thinking things through, looking at the big picture and so fourth and so on and in this situation he didn't think about ALL the options. He admitted that to me because things didn't turn out how he had planned in both the pick-up and in how her attitude is and how her children behave. He told me in a discussion later on that he wanted to do it mostly to clear his concious. He didn't want to do nothing and let her deal with it and have her blood on his hands when he husband decides to go postal on her. Then I let him know that he might be prepared to have her husband come after me as well if he's that crazy (not like I haven't thought about it, I'd love to gave a free shot at that guy anyway. I'd beat the living daylights out of him!). But her understood where I'm coming from and he says now we have to concentrate on getting her on her feet and out of our apartment. I'm constantly talking to him and he feels we've been getting better in our marriage recently. Kind of like things have to get worse before they can get better. He does believe that we get faced with challenges to over come them and he thinks we'd be stronger as a couple if we can overcome this.
Thank you for your offer. I'll go ahead and do that and I'll let you know who it is. She's actually on facebook as well. That's how we'd communicate before she came over. But it's hard to judge a persons character over a short chat. Thank you again for your kind words.
@pixeltwistr (613)
• United States
18 Jan 11
Well your above response sounds calmer ...we all need to blow off steam sometimes and that is understandable. Actually i dont think your husband is a bad guy because i know there is always way more to a story than what is written .....I dont know how old you are but i have a feeling i am a bit older than you..(im 50) and i was basically writing from my own experiences with men and from knowing the things my friends husbands have put them through.....like on more than one occassion i have seen a man treat a friend just aweful and act unaware that it is bothering her because they were too chicken to just break up or leave so they were hoping the girl would leave....thats where that came from and certainly you know your husband and i dont know him at all.....like you though i still wouldnt completely trust this womans motives...especially now that she is alone. The reason i clarified a few times that what i said was only my opinion was for this reason...i figured there were things i couldnt possibly know and you know your husband. I am the same way when i seek advice i always try to make it a concise as possible and not put the other party in a bad light. If it were me i would have a hard time believing that nothing went on when he was picking her up....but then again my husband did cheat on me with his ex when we were first together (not married but living together) so I would never ever again trust him alone in the same room with her....my husband is much like your though in that his kids are everything to him and they have 3 together and she had left him and then she came by one day while i was at work and started telling him well dont you want to be with the kids...so he went back with her....and then she left him again a week later....it took him months of begging to get me to give him a chance and he knows where i stand on her now.
Women stay with men for a myriad of reasons and sometimes even if you wanted to leave when you have kids if you are not financially able to take care of them and yourself it is better to stay....not in her situation though because of the abuse but still she could have gone to a shelter for battered women where they would for one be more equipped to handle things should the guy come around starting trouble (you do not want your own kids in the middle of that) but also they wouldnt let her sit around they would make her look for work etc....its part of the process and she needs to do that in order to be independant.
It sounds like you have thought everything through and know what you want and were just frustrated at the time which happens to us all and you did the best thing by venting....sometimes just in the venting itself you figure out things better.
I hope your situation gets better soon and feel free to tak to me any time....it is always nice to have people to talk to.
You can find me on facebook as vickie roldan if you want to add me....just let me know its you cause i dont add everyone that requests me!
Take care!
1 person likes this
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
18 Jan 11
Simply ask him if your ex-boyfriend could move in with you too? Maybe he will get the point.
I think that this is placing another woman into your marriage. Marriage is made for two. Adios old girlfriend.
@emarie (5442)
• United States
18 Jan 11
if my ex was in a similar situation he would be okay with it. I had already ask that question months ago when he was considering this option. So of course our way of thinking is different. I can't seem to get him to understand that bringing another woman (let alone an ex) into your own with your wife if just wrong, but he doesn't see why I'm getting distressed about that situation. He keeps reassuring me that he has no romantic feelings for her and he loves me. My heart believes him, but my mind is telling me to be cautious.
But thank you for your response.
1 person likes this
@sanjay91422 (2725)
• India
18 Jan 11
It is a bad situation for you and even I don't know what to advise here. It is all up to you that you want. Really I don't know what you should do, you have children already in this time you should not think about divorce etc. because that is not good for children. If your husband is really a noble man then he should take care of your feelings and show her ex the out way.
It sounds to me that there is already something wrong, you are not wrong or a bad person to think this way. All I can say is get her away from your family as early as possible. Tell your husband clearly that you don't want her anymore. I know there is no other solution than speaking it clearly.
1 person likes this
@emarie (5442)
• United States
18 Jan 11
Thank you do much for your comment. I have stated that I don't want her here anymore and I don't see divorce as a solution as well since this is a problem that can be worked out, eventually. As long as we still have love for each other, divorce is never an option. But thank you again for your kind words.
1 person likes this
@sanjay91422 (2725)
• India
18 Jan 11
Please don't mention the thanks here, I have done nothing for you, I have just given my views. I want to help you some way but don't know how to do that.
You have to come out of this situation. Always think that there are friends here who are behind you and share whatever you want to share with me. This situation can come to anyone and I understand it.
I will feel glad that there is a friend who shares their feelings with me. Have a nice day/night ahead.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160488)
• United States
23 Jan 11
I do not know where you live, so I have to be a bit general. I only really know the resources that are available here. She is probably a bit non functioning, she has been living with an abuser. She is going to rely on anyone who shows leadership--that is your husband. Do yourself a favor and begin to show some leadership as well. She has obviously had some help from social services if she is receiving EBT payments, she needs to go to the closest social services agency in your area and check to see what other benefits she can receive for her children and herself. She may be eligible for section 8 housing, for instance. You can go online and look for family shelters, because she cannot stay with you. You already have said that there is a limit to how long you will be able to have her family stay there. In fact, are you guys not eligible for more help since your husband is unemployed and you are not working? I know it is different from one state to another, but there may be some emergency assistance she would qualify for to help her get out on her own. She must be doing everything legally, though, like having the kids in school, and filing a protection from abuse order.
@emarie (5442)
• United States
25 Jan 11
You do make a very good point. My husband told me the only difference from now and the time she dated him was the fact that she does the dishes. He wants me to 'be a good example' but other then doing what I normally do I don't know what else to do for her. I don't like babying people, especially grown people who are older then me.
She has already visited a social service office, my husband actually took her. He told me they wanted to put her into the CalWorks program that helps her find work, but of course it takes some time to even get started on it. Everything that I didn't qualify for, she did because of her situation. So they're covered for Medical and food.
I know I've signed up for section 8 housing about a year ago and we got a notice a few months ago saying that they're looking at our application. I know that she is supposed to go, and my husband wants to go to a main office (not our local one because it's taking so long to process) to sign-up again, but I heard that even if you do sign up, it can take up to 5 years to get approved. And I heard that from one of the workers at the office when I got the application for section 8 housing.
Right now she's on a waiting list here for a shelter, and emergency shelters only house you for a few days. My sister gave me a name in of a shelter far from us, but it supposed to house battered woman. I will need to look into that. For us, we are only receiving state medical and food stamps. My husband received unemployment, but that doesn't cover our monthly rent (and we're in a 1 bedroom). We still have car payments to make and of course utilities and cable. We haven't been able to pay our credit card bills in a while. California doesn't have any money, so they're cutting back on almost EVERYTHING including welfare. She just got her eldest son in school, and the other is too little for it. He told me she already filed for child support, which he refuses to pay for what reason I don't know, and she is going soon for a restraining order.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
11 Feb 11
hi I am so sorry and oddly I went through something similiar only seh was not his ex girlfriend and I refused to put the drunk husband and the silly wife and their brats in our small house. their church found them a p;laace to live and even paid fhe rent. she started to tghink she was going to dump; her husband and get mine. so I told her bluntly keep your hands off my husband you have one of your own. so once they got settled my husband came back to his old self. I hink you need some hel;p frfom you parents or his. instead of worrying abougt an old ex he should ber out looking for a job. let the chruch help\ the ex and him stay out of it. he is not being fair to you at all..so he thinks of you as mainly his maid and housekeeper. not very flattering. I would get your parents and his even to help you out financially and I would ask your father to talk to your husband as he appears to have feelings yet for his ex and too he sounds like he could become a wife batterer with all the fussing about spotless kitchen and house. you need help and help at once, for one thing its actually illegal in most towns for so m any people to live in a one bedroom house. I wou ld talk to welfare as you need to get that woman and kids out of there.
@emarie (5442)
• United States
16 Feb 11
His parents are retired and having been sending us a couple of thousand dollars every few months since he got unemployed. They have huge medical bills and I'm grateful for what they've given. My mother comes once a year and buys us a bunch of stuff. She just spent over $2000 on my son's birthday party this past Oct and she just sent us $500 to help with fixing our car. My father passed away about 4 months after we got married, so there's nothing I can do about that.
He's assured me he doesn't have feelings for her. He actually admitted to me that she was probably a rebound from his bad break-up before her. She's the ONLY girlfriend he ever dumped and in a discussion with her, he told her, in front of me, ONE of the reasons he broke up with her is because she was lazy and made excuses about everything and she's still making those same excuses so she can have a one person pity party for herself. I think she may have some feelings or at least wants to depend on my husband but I'm now confident he won't go for her...well, at least 98% sure.
And don't worry, if I know one thing, I know he would never lift a hand to me because that is a deal breaker. He would have a divorce in his hands before he knows it. AND if he ever did hit me, I'd make sure I'd take the nearest heavy object and hit him back.
From March 19, she's on her own because even though my husband hasn't talked to our manager about her being here, I won't sacrifice my own living space because we let her stay longer then 2 months, so she needs to get out and I WILL kick her out. Then I told her I would get her kids admitted to a foster care system because a homeless shelter is not the place for them.
@SusanLee (1920)
• United States
22 Jan 11
I'm sorry you're having to go through something like this. For me it is cut and dried. I say this only because I'm a good bit older than you and I know what I went through many years ago.
You are not insecure. Your warning bells and red flags are going up for good reason, because you know what your husband is doing is wrong. If she contacted him two years ago because of her lousy husband, he should have told her how sorry he was, that he was married now and he couldn't help her, that she should seek help through the law or counseling and he hoped the best for her, told her good-bye and left it at that and he should have told you all about it.
You and his children should come first, Actually God comes first, spouse and children second and so on.
Because of where I have been in life, I would probably leave him. His actions would be showing me that his priorities are her and him. I'm sorry, I don't know if he's getting a jolt of excitement from having a former lover around or what. Life is too short to be exposed to such as that.
He isn't thinking about you or your feelings, he doesn't seem to be doing anything to alleviate your your concerns. And to be blunt, if he hasn't already started messing around with her, he will.
Someone in that household has to go, it's her, him or you. I wouldn't put up with it for a second. He has to see the strain it's putting on you and what is he doing about it? Nothing.
If I had the room and money, I'd send for you and your boys and let him have her.
@emarie (5442)
• United States
25 Jan 11
well, he's kept in touch with her on and off since they broke up. When he met me, she just moved and wanted to establish connections with him again. Then of course he moved and they reconnected through facebook (along with other friends who are also female, this is just the only one who dated him and the only one he broke up with). But she told me when she went back to where we lived, the first thing he said is he met someone. So he was pretty forward with that.
But my husband is the type who wants to help people in need. So I don't think he would ever say that unless she wanted something more.
@emarie (5442)
• United States
6 Feb 11
It's something I thought of before. In the beginning of our relationship I did think of him as my white knight sort of thing. But I don't know if it's a syndrome or what he thinks is his 'Christian Duty' so help those who need help.
It's possible I do make excuses, and I do admit it. I'm still upset with the whole situation and I find myself being even harsher on her and him for it. She has 1 more month to live here and she's all willing to go to a homeless shelter and uproot her children again from a school she just enrolled him into. He's all worried because of that and me, I'm just pissed with the whole situation.
The thing that made me upset today is that I was telling him how I hate her whining and excuses. He turns around and says now I should know how he feels. He keeps comparing me to her. And a week ago he came to me crying saying he just realized he was wrong and he honestly thought he was doing right by me and the boys by helping her. Now he says it's his mess and he'll fix it, but it seems like I'm the one trying to fix things.
I'll talk to him about it. And thank you for the response.
@SusanLee (1920)
• United States
30 Jan 11
Your husband might have a case of 'The White Knight Syndrome'. Look it up. They're people who have the need to rescue other people. They're attracted to needy people and try to save others from themselves. I kid you not. It's an actual condition.
Regardless of what is going on with him. He is in the wrong. I've read and read these many posts and it always ends up the same. People give you justifiable reasons why what he is doing is wrong, and then you make excuses for his behavior. (I'm saying this kindly and gently although it sounds harsh)
Helping people is fine, within reason. What he is doing is not fine. It's putting his need to help someone ahead of what is best for his own family. It doesn't matter if it's a former lover, little old man with a drinking problem, little old lady who with dementia or what. If it's interfering with his family's well being. It's wrong.
He needs to get some help for himself if this is a pattern in his life. Your children could very well follow this pattern into their own adult lives and you see what it's doing for you.
If nothing else find a professional you can talk too that will help bring this all into perspective for you. I know, you can't afford it.
There are many services out there that are free. And counseling is one of them.
I lost 19 years to a relationship that showed all the signs of doom after the first year. Yet I stayed, made excuses, blamed myself, didn't want to leave my comfort zone, yada yada yada. We live in America, there are resources out there. Do something, do anything that will help you change your circumstances.
I wish you the best.
@CRIVAS (1815)
• Canada
18 Jan 11
Wow, I have to say first off that I am very sorry that you have been put in this situation. I am not very certain about how long this "Friend" has been living with you and your family, it wasn't very clear in your discussion, but from what I am understanding, it's been too long. This women needs to be told in no uncertain terms ( BY YOUR HUSBAND!) that while it's okay for her and her children to stay in YOUR house while they get back on their feet, that it is HER responsibility to do something about the situation. There are plenty of organizations out there that are there for the purpose of finding new housing situations to women in need, she is one of those people. It is time for her to find work and a new place to live. I know that your husband feels bad and is trying to help a friend, but you need to make him realize that by having her and her children stay in YOUR home, he is doing damage to you and your children and that you are his FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT responsibility. He should want to make certain that your problems are taken care of first, from the sounds of things, he's in no position to help his own family, let alone taking care of another. I think that you need to have a sit down conversation with your husband and his friend, let them know that the situation is no longer doable. It is time that she make an honest effort to find work. I also suggest that if she says that she cannot find another place to live, you suggest a relative. I personally would be in touch with the courts, if this husband of hers is so bad, she should be getting a divorce and taking him for half of whatever he has. As the father of her children, he will be forced into paying for half of everything that they need, including housing. I would tell your husbands friend that you would be MORE than happy to help her get started, besides, the faster you help her out, the faster she can move and you and your family can get back to the way that things should be. I hope this helps and that you find the solution to your troubles. Good luck and happy mylotting.
1 person likes this
@emarie (5442)
• United States
18 Jan 11
Honestly it, it's only been a few days (maybe 3-4) a week tops and I didn't know I wouldn't be able to handle it. I really didn't think it would have this much of an effect on me until it actually happened. It's possible I'm blaming my car breaking on her as well but I also blame my husband as well.
I don't know if she actually filed for divorce but I do know she filed for child support. She does what to get a divorce from him but the fact is he doesn't have much as well. Being illegal, and he only works on McDonald's so it's minimum wadge jobs. I'm at a point now where I can't look her in the eye. I don't know if it's because I blame her for my own problems (I know she has a great deal of her own and what she's going through) or because I'm ashamed of how pissed off I'm getting. My husband might even get mad at me for giving her (and him) the cold shoulder every once and a while.
As for family. I just have a sister and she has NO ONE in this area. Back where she was she had his family but all of her family is either in Hawaii or Washington. So it's nowhere near here. And I'm not good at confronting people, especially when I feel like it's not really my own problem. I keep saying it's his friend so he needs to deal with it.
I mean, I tried to help. I walking around for 2 days in our area taking pictures with my cell of FOR RENT signs. But she won't be able to get a place without any money or proof of a job at least. But I told my husband the thing I want done is fixing my car because that was at least my lifeline out of her. Then he needs to get her out and then get a job himself so we can focus on ALL our other problems.
But thank you guys again for your support and kind words. In truth, my eyes are watering a little because I didn't think I would get any support in this area.
Thank you.
1 person likes this
@knicnax (2233)
• Philippines
18 Jan 11
WOW! I really admire you for doing this. You are such an understanding wife. What I'm about to say won't help your marriage at all, but I will give you a vote of confidence.
You're not wrong in not wanting her to be in your home. It is your home and whatever happens inside there should be a mutual decision. The fact that you are struggling to make ends meet really does make the situation worse for your marriage.
It's like he's not considering what will happen to your family. You may want to try a more drastic approach. If talking to him won't work, try fighting with him. Fight him with the girl being able to hear what you're talking about. That way, even if your husband won't budge, she'd still know what's happening. Forget about the "perfect wife" title. Just settle for the "wife" title. You should assert yourself and what you think is best for your family. Tell him that she needs to start helping herself and not let others do everything for her.
I think the problem here is that it was your husband who convinced her to get out of the marriage, he might be feeling guilty that she now doesn't have a roof over her and her children's head.
You could also try talking to the woman. Ask her personally what her story is, what the problem is, and try to convince her to do things for herself. Be honest we her. Tell her that you like helping people, but it's just that helping her is really taking a toll on you and your kids. Ask her if she could do anyti=hing about her children because your children and you personally find them rude. Ask her about her plans, what her next steps would be in her life. If she doesn't seem to have a plan, provide one. Tell her to look for work so that she can provide for her family.
I really do hope this problem would be resolved immediately. Be strong
1 person likes this
@emarie (5442)
• United States
18 Jan 11
I mean, you're right on every single aspect. I was thinking about those things myself, but I'm just too scared to talk to people in those type of circumstances. I just met her for the first time a few days ago and normally, I'm a shy reserved person. I'm trying to let my husband know my own feelings and getting him to really get it in her head that she needs to get moving on her own and not depend on other people. Thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words. It really did help me.
1 person likes this
@jennyze (7028)
• Indonesia
18 Jan 11
Many friends here gave you sound advices. You are in too deep in this problem and only you can get yourself out of this problem. You have to be brave and believe that when the worst happens, you will live for your yourself and your children.
It's apparent to me that the way out is separation, why?
1. He has been unemployed too long, as if he did not see the need to get a decent job, soonest.
2. He ignored his family needs for a better home and living.
3. He went against your wishes many times in regard to his ex, sounds like he is in love with her, not with you - that's why he does not want to change this situation (even for his own children which he may care very much).
I am sure you will find your own way of getting out of this problem in time. Don't rush, but be prepared for the worst.
@Kilacam77 (10)
• United States
23 Jan 11
I feel for you. It must be hard supporting your family let alone another. I don't believe that your husband would be that ignorant to openly cheat on you around you and your kids so I don't think you should be so paranoid because she's his "ex"'for a reason also I believe you should have her discipline her kids if they are going to be staying in your home because that's disrespectful and rude of her after you welcomed her in with welocome arms.
@emarie (5442)
• United States
25 Jan 11
You are right. He keeps saying he'll never cheat on me and physically, she's let herself go. Although she's at her lightest weight, she's got some things going on that kind of makes my husband laugh. So he says I'm prettier to him so I don't need to worry. As for the discipline, she just doesn't even know how to. She gets frustrated with them and just doesn't know what to do after a while. She's not taking any advice and pretty much wants us to physically show her by taking care of the problem with the kids. If alone, I think I might be able to get them to listen, but since I don't feel like kids listen to another adult when their parent is there and they let them get away with it.
@gra2011 (35)
• Philippines
5 Mar 11
oh no I'm sorry about your feeling and situation. Honestly when I read your story Idid'nt notice I cried and hate your husband. What a kind of person he is he did not think about his family, you and the children who's very much affected in his decision in helping others while his own family have financially problem. I m not saying helping others is bad. My point is he help his ex which we dont know if they have an affairs again. You are martyr, you allow that women live in your house. If i were in your situation, I will ask my husband to choose us and that's the time to decide. If he choose us his family better to leave the girl in my house. Although its painfull because she has children but I have my children too who's the one affected the situation. If in case he choose the ex girl then I will let him free because its too painful to see them in our house talking or what ever they do. Much better to know earlier than to wait my husband's decision in solving this kind of situation because the more they live in my house the more i keep getting upset, the more jelous I felt and the more pain in my heart and to my children.
@Pammla (1)
• United States
18 Jan 11
Wow. You have gone above and beyond in helping this woman and her children. That's nice that your husband wants to help her. And he has. He got her out of a bad situation & gave her refuge in your home.
But now his first priority is to his wife and children. Call a local shelter & drive this woman over there! You and your husband have your own family to support. Now this lady has to get her act together. You have been more than generous in her time of need. She needs to call on some relatives if she doesn't want to go to a shelter. There are lots of agencies who can take over where you left off.
Your husband needs to wake up. If he let's this woman break up his family, then he doesn't deserve you.
Good luck to you.
