Stow-Away Step-Daughter

I think this is the time of our lives when the question "Am i a good parent?" pops up in our head. Good thing I still have 14 years more before I will be faced with the same situation. It's dreadful but I just hope it won't happen to me. But if you ask me, You're still the parent and they have no choice but to follow you. I am not being a dictator but when it's a question about the future of the kids then preventing them to get married at such as early stage or even living in is the best thing to do at this moment. Chances are, if you allow them to have their way, they'll just end up going back to you crying. An 18 year old in this country is not as matured compared to other countries. She may or may not be with her BF but going away without permission shouldn't be tolerated. I'm saying you beat the blues out of her but she has to face the consequences of being grounded. Most importantly, you have to let it sink in her head that life is not easy on those who face it unprepared especially those who go against their parents.

Hello Neildc, THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA HOW HARD MARRIAGE LIFE IS WHEN THEY ARE UNPREPAREDspecially in our state of economy where jobs are scarce with more people unemployed and the rising expenses...phew I can't help rant how my brothers were so intelligent to end up being too stupid. they had a future and ALL that ruined when they decided to marry and have children. what i hate the most is that they did this out of PASSION. now, almost every month they have financial problems with BILLS and childrens educational activities. YOu have to find a way to bring her back, keep her from having a child..clearly, she doesn't understand the implication until she grows up a bit more in the future.unfortunately, my mom wasn't able to convince them to stop with the relationship.

I admire you for the concern you are showing for your step daughter. I have had times where I wanted to run away from home, but common sense always kicks in and I always debunk my plans of leaving. True, she may not have anywhere to go aside from her boyfriends' place. But you may want to consider other places like close friends or even family. Keep us posted Neil. I will include your step daughter in my prayers and hope that she is safe and well.

With my 30 years existence, I never been stowed away from home. I may have been rebellious then, but it did not come to a point when I have to give my parents a reason to scold me. I was rebellious then in a way that I am focused on my studies and gladly took a usual 4 year course in 3 years. I go to bar hopping, over night partying, etc, but I never heard anything from them like do not do this and do not do that. I think, they trusted me so much that I do not want to break it. Most of my friends are guys and I invite them at home. My parents did not bother at all since they knew my friends' parents. They knew I am in good hands. Now that I am living independently for 5 years, they are not bothered at all that something would happen to me because they knew I can manage. Maybe they knew and sense that I am tough and it is in my personality.

hi neildc no I was married to the same man for 3 years so no step children and we did have one night of real worry over our 13 year old son when he went out on a bike trip at 3pm and at 12 am had not got home yet. there was a curfew at 12 for teenagers in our town and he was out almost past it. He came in ten minutes to 12, he had missed the last bus and his bike had a flat tire so he had walked a good five miles. we asked him why did he not call us and his father would have come picked him up. and he said.I got myself into this mess so I have to get myself out and I said b ut you are only 13 not an adult. He was a gifted child who was in private school and three grades ahead of the others and he really felt older than he was. and I said, look we have to h ave some rules. from now on till you are sixteen you will be in here before 12 am 'and if you are in trouble daddy and I will pick you up.You are only 13 not an an adult. remember that. and he really did. no more problems.

I have not experienced stowing away or have ever even thought of such. As a child, I am also a bit stubborn but when I grew older I changed and have learned to be more obedient to my parents. Now that I am a parent myself, i am happy that my child does not give me any headache. I am also happy I have no female child. I used to pray for a daughter but lately I noted that God did not give my prayer because He would not want me to have so much worries because I am a very protective mother. The world is getting worse. Now your step-daughter sounds quite stubborn and I believe she will regret that later in her life. Marrying at such a young age will deprive her of the chance to enjoy singlehood. Now let her realize that later. Good day to you

COuld she have gone to her bio dad? has she got in contact with you yet? SUre hope so also if she had some money she could have gone and rented an apartment! I did when I was really young about 16. Back then no cell phones! I ended up going back home for it was very lonely being alone in that apartment. 19 should be grown up heck I had 2 kids by that time married and making a home. SOme kids grow faster than others if all she does is text and dont do her chores what kind of house will she keep? DOnt hink I was scolded by parentsI just wanted on my own for awhile lololllol

Something to look forward to... No,we aren't there yet with our children.

She is an adult now and needs to be treated like one. Sometimes parents don't respect a child because they feel this person is a child and can't possibly know the right things to do. Well, maybe not what they would do. Perhaps this last run in with her parents was it for her. Maybe this is a wake up call for all involved and there is something to be learned from what has happened.

I'm afraid you are going to have to face the fact that she thinks she is grown up, and probably the government will support that thought. You will no longer have the ability to control her actions, because if she want to she can just leave. I hope you hear from her soon so at least you won't have to worry.

Based on my own experience, when a girl reaches 18 years old, this would be the stage wherein she would be able to decide on their own and without the guidance of her parents. Furthermore, this also the time that she thinks that she has already the freedom on whatever things that she wanted to do. But in reality, this is just the preparatory of becoming a full bloom and a matured woman. I understand what your step daughter is going on right now. Since I have also experienced this kind of feeling especially when you fell in love the first time. I was head over heels with my ex-boyfriend at that time and I almost left my family just because of me. But thanks to God, I was not able to stow-away even how my mom scolded me at that time. My advice to you guys, just let her do with the things that she is going through right now. There would be a perfect time that she will be back to your home asking for forgiveness.

By "getting into married life" do you mean living with her boyfriend? Because that is not the same as entering a legally binding contract of marriage. Also, did she pay for her own cellphone? Because if she paid for it, her mother had absolutely NO right to take it away. If her mother paid for it, then of course her mother has every right to withdraw it if she is not respecting her mother. She is 19. She is an adult. If she wants to live in your house she should follow rules and be respectful, or else she in not welcome to live there. You cannot punish an adult, but neither do you have a responsibility to give her free things. If she's living with her boyfriend, no big deal. BUT, if she calls you and wants to come back, or wants help with money or whatever, you need to set the rules adult to adult. Just as you would never give an adult money or free room and board without certain expectations, don't give it to your step daughter either. If your only expectations are that she follows rules and respects you (including doing chores) that is right and good, but it means if she doesn't follow the rules she is not welcome. It's hard, but she needs to act like an adult, and give you respect, if she wants it.

hi kuya neil, This is so sad i've been stubborn in my teenage days but i never stow away even my mom scolded me, maybe aside from that there is a reason why she stow away. Someone need to tell her all the advantages and disadvantages getting into early marriage especially if they are both financially unstable they cannot just get married because they want to lot of things to be consider, hope it's not too late for all of you most especially for her. have a nice day! kisses to Zayzay

Leaving in our country being 19 is not like being 18 on other countries where you get to do all things you want or live away from your parents. In our culture, we always make high importance of family ties to its maximum extent. Like extend families living together in one compound or one house. I did stowed-away for a stupid reason (I just realized that now). It's not because of being scolded, but more on wanting of freedom and too much pressure within the family and relatives. My mom always loved my elder brother since we were a child (but she never admitted it having someone as her favorite), all of things my brother wanted was always provided, going out even late at night, sleeping at a friend's house and such. Its a pain for a teen being in a situation that you don't to be in or like feeling that your parents doesn't understand you at all. I've always find comfort in my friends and not with my family. I went back home, why? Because I'm young and still studying, no one is going to support me and I can't live if I don't start working (that's what I thought of when I wasn't at home). I also feel the pain my mom felt when she was calling my friend's house and I was there but friend denied it. I admit that there are some people (including me) who does things out of nothing. Maybe there is something that your step daughter is not telling you. Like teen problems because I remember I did that because I don't like to study Nursing, I got bored and started to fail at school or too much pressure within the family and relatives, like mine. My relatives put too much pressure on my studies since they're the one who sent me to college, my parents didn't do anything about it since they can't send me to school that time. Those sort of things. When I went home, my dad talked to me and asked what's the problem. I admit everything, and somehow it worked fine. Eventually, we all come to our senses.

It a tough age. Technically she is an adult at age 19. Still, by not letting her mom know where she is and causing you all to worry so....she is acting like a child. It's the age, I think. I have 4 daughters and 3 of them are grown up and moved out on their own. Two of them stormed out in anger over trivial things like what you described. They come around after a while. They are now 34,26 and 24 and we are all very close now. It all works out in the end.

Hi Neal, sounds as if y'all have a problem . Kids can really put u through it. I would not like her stowing away anywhere & not keeping in contact.U have enough to worry about g=her safety on a normal day w/out her pulling something like this. Hope she is o.k. Kids that age can be very rebellious. They think they know everything at that age. Been there done that w/my 2 sons.

She may be a grown-up, but to run away and worry those that love her is not grown-up actions. These days one does worry, there is so much violence around. As for being a wife, surely that is up to the parties involved, no outside judgement can be made.

I think she is old enough to do what she wants with her life however it's rude for her to get you and her mother worry so much. She is such a brat and deserves some punishment. How could she ever do that stow away and just left with out saying goodbye for just a small misunderstanding. What she done is not nice and I hope she will be able to realized her mistake before it's too late. Maybe she think she is good enough for the world outside and she can stand on her own two feet with out depending on anybody. Well, she is definitely wrong with her belief one day she will return back and asking for you and her mother's help. It happened all the time. I think she wont get married yet maybe she just want a little bit of freedom. Just let her be.

hello neil, I understand your feelings and situation esp Patty,coz i am also a mother and i alsi had an only daughter and now she's 17. Maybe you need to give her a lesson,i know kids won't realize how much we care for them unless they're suffering the consequences of their actions. I don't know what to say..but,if she is my daughter i will let her go. Thu it's frustrating,you have to accept it. Because even if how much you tried to discipline her and let her open her eyes and you already have given everything ..talk with her,give what she wants,understand her..yet she never understands you and her mom. Ugh...why kids are so stubborn..and why parents can't say NO to kids. Have a good day always..kisses and hugs to little zayzay

greetings! she's now of legal age and can probably do whatever she wants now with her life. she might make some costly mistakes here and there, but that could be the best way to teach her how to live her life. just always be there to give her proper guidance whenever she needs it. you have to accept that you can't always control your daughter's life.