Either I've Done Something Brave..Or Very, VERY Stupid!
By Janey1966
@Janey1966 (24170)
Carlisle, England
January 24, 2011 9:07am CST
I will let you decide!
Last week when John was off work we went round to look at some "knock-off" radiators stored in his Mum's garage.
Now, I could tell the MIL was irritated by my presence (even though we did ring her beforehand to make sure we could come round) and I now know why.
The radiators were a MESS! Yes, they are convector radiators but they need a lot of work on them due to rust, etc. Not what I expected at all.
I KNOW I should've said something to her face but, there again, I wasn't enthusiastic either. John (because he doesn't want to upset her) said they were brilliant..not that convincingly I have to say. MIL was in a bad mood as well and cut me down whenever I said something she disagreed with, so that was another reason I couldn't tell her what I REALLY thought.
Well, I've done it now instead, over the telephone. I did have a heart-to-heart with John over weekend, telling him I wasn't keen on the radiators (amongst other things) so he probably knew what was coming..and he's at work now so I was brave enough to ring the MIL.
It was VOICEMAIL which actually made it easier for me to have an ever so small rant. I mentioned the above, saying that I would have them in the house if they were new (which is what hubby was told, initially) but they AREN'T new..far from it. I told her that Jimmy (her daughter's boyfriend, who dumped the radiators in the garage) presumed too much if he thought I would go along with having second-hand radiators in this house. I mentioned the fact that I'm used to not having any money, due to the fact that I lived with a guy for two years and had to bail him out every week with his rent, leaving me with hardly anything out of my wages. I told Voicemail I'm not a charity case and I can do without stuff; I'm not THAT bothered. I didn't mention this but I told John the other day, "I'm here because I love you. I resigned from a good job to be with you, so your mother cannot use my unemployment as an excuse to interfere whenever she feels like it. You're married to me, not your parents."
I finished off (on MIL's voicemail) by saying that I won't be going to London either which will go down like a lead balloon. It's all to do with Wembley and, despite the in-laws not even going to any of Carlisle's home games, because it looks like they will be in the JTP Final in April they've suddenly become obsessed with Carlisle United. I didn't want to go last year either but got roped in, so I've put my foot down. John can go if he wants, I'm not going and that's that. I said we can't afford to go, which is true. It will be on the telly as well!! Why waste all that money travelling miles and miles for nothing?
What will happen next is this; she will play the voicemail and get onto her husband first, then John..both of whom are at work. No doubt she will be upset but, I'm sorry, I can't put up with this anymore. John will have to stand on his own two feet, he shouldn't rely on Mummy and Daddy to bail him out, like I had to bail "Blobby" out all those years ago. I never got help from my parents and why should I? I'm not a child. I told John that his Mum and Dad show him their love by buying him stuff and it should stop, especially when they tend to leave me out of such decisions. Generally, it's all done behind my back.
Am I being too harsh?
Last week when John was off work we went round to look at some "knock-off" radiators stored in his Mum's garage.
Now, I could tell the MIL was irritated by my presence (even though we did ring her beforehand to make sure we could come round) and I now know why.
The radiators were a MESS! Yes, they are convector radiators but they need a lot of work on them due to rust, etc. Not what I expected at all.
I KNOW I should've said something to her face but, there again, I wasn't enthusiastic either. John (because he doesn't want to upset her) said they were brilliant..not that convincingly I have to say. MIL was in a bad mood as well and cut me down whenever I said something she disagreed with, so that was another reason I couldn't tell her what I REALLY thought.
Well, I've done it now instead, over the telephone. I did have a heart-to-heart with John over weekend, telling him I wasn't keen on the radiators (amongst other things) so he probably knew what was coming..and he's at work now so I was brave enough to ring the MIL.
It was VOICEMAIL which actually made it easier for me to have an ever so small rant. I mentioned the above, saying that I would have them in the house if they were new (which is what hubby was told, initially) but they AREN'T new..far from it. I told her that Jimmy (her daughter's boyfriend, who dumped the radiators in the garage) presumed too much if he thought I would go along with having second-hand radiators in this house. I mentioned the fact that I'm used to not having any money, due to the fact that I lived with a guy for two years and had to bail him out every week with his rent, leaving me with hardly anything out of my wages. I told Voicemail I'm not a charity case and I can do without stuff; I'm not THAT bothered. I didn't mention this but I told John the other day, "I'm here because I love you. I resigned from a good job to be with you, so your mother cannot use my unemployment as an excuse to interfere whenever she feels like it. You're married to me, not your parents."
I finished off (on MIL's voicemail) by saying that I won't be going to London either which will go down like a lead balloon. It's all to do with Wembley and, despite the in-laws not even going to any of Carlisle's home games, because it looks like they will be in the JTP Final in April they've suddenly become obsessed with Carlisle United. I didn't want to go last year either but got roped in, so I've put my foot down. John can go if he wants, I'm not going and that's that. I said we can't afford to go, which is true. It will be on the telly as well!! Why waste all that money travelling miles and miles for nothing?
What will happen next is this; she will play the voicemail and get onto her husband first, then John..both of whom are at work. No doubt she will be upset but, I'm sorry, I can't put up with this anymore. John will have to stand on his own two feet, he shouldn't rely on Mummy and Daddy to bail him out, like I had to bail "Blobby" out all those years ago. I never got help from my parents and why should I? I'm not a child. I told John that his Mum and Dad show him their love by buying him stuff and it should stop, especially when they tend to leave me out of such decisions. Generally, it's all done behind my back.
Am I being too harsh?3 people like this
8 responses
@hofferp (4734)
• United States
24 Jan 11
My guess is it's not going to go over with your MIL, at all, and John will probably get an ear full, because she doesn't sound like the kind that will talk to you or talk it out. I probably would have let it go on, though, and that isn't the smartest thing to do either. At least, now, she knows that you will "fight" back and enough is enough. Or I hope she knows that...
2 people like this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
24 Jan 11
Thanks for that. I suppose whatever I chose to do, it would be difficult dealing with the consequences of my actions. If I'd done nothing the in-laws would keep interfering due to me being unemployed. They know John has no money but I know he has no money too. I live with it the best I can. We're in it together. Many people go without things and it's time we did the same. There's no shame in saying "no" to your nearest and dearest. I wish he would stick up for himself a bit more as I'm convinced he didn't like the radiators either.
I was tempted to tell her that I'd sold her daughter's slow cooker on ebay as well, but that would've been far too cruel, especially since she has one on her worktop, exactly the same, never been used. And that's my point. We're never asked what we want and John goes along with it because it's the easy option and they've done it many times before without any complaints from him. But he's married to me now and they've got to realise that any decisions they make in their little conflabs behind my back, affect ME as well. They can't carry on like I'm invisible. It stops and it stops now..not in 10 years time when I'll resent them even more than I do already. You can literally kill someone with kindness and that's what they are doing..ever so slowly.
I was tempted to tell her that I'd sold her daughter's slow cooker on ebay as well, but that would've been far too cruel, especially since she has one on her worktop, exactly the same, never been used. And that's my point. We're never asked what we want and John goes along with it because it's the easy option and they've done it many times before without any complaints from him. But he's married to me now and they've got to realise that any decisions they make in their little conflabs behind my back, affect ME as well. They can't carry on like I'm invisible. It stops and it stops now..not in 10 years time when I'll resent them even more than I do already. You can literally kill someone with kindness and that's what they are doing..ever so slowly.2 people like this
@GardenGerty (160696)
• United States
24 Jan 11
Their "kindness" is not motivated by kindness, if it was, they would be asking you about what you wanted. They are killing you, and John, with control.
@hofferp (4734)
• United States
24 Jan 11
Yeah, I'm with GardenGerty...it's a control/I know what my son needs, I'm his mother/even jealousy thing. It'll be interesting to see how she responds, but I wouldn't get my expectations up. This has been going on all John's life (my guess). And she's not going to suddenly become understanding and become your best friend. But this could be a good thing, you won't be talking to her much...
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (160696)
• United States
24 Jan 11
I think it needed to be done, but you are braver than I usually am. Of course, as you say, the voicemail did help. I have, in the past, written letters in such a situation. I think it is much the same. It will make you feel better in the long run for having gotten it off your chest. Maybe something will come along that you can do.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
24 Jan 11
I just felt that now was the right time, do you know what I mean? I only hope everyone understands what I'm on about. They do get the wrong end of the stick sometimes.
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
25 Jan 11
Hi Janey... I am quite inexperienced about the family issues, as I have been staying alone for years... So can't say whether it was good or bad... But now that you have done it, don't think n get confused whether it was correct or not... You did it and stick to it... That's it!!! I trust, you have mentioned sufficient reasons for your action, so there is no reason to be confused about it, anymore...
I am wondering what is John going through now???
@mr_pearl (5018)
• India
27 Jan 11
It is good that John understands you... It is good for both of you.. It avoids the conficts due to outside reasons... People always talk about the money they have and they spent on buying things... That is only there to it!!! Take care Janey... Bravooo!!!!
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
25 Jan 11
He's come to realise that I'm no pushover as far as his parents are concerned. If they want to help us out financially that's fine..to a point. But I don't want them trying to live our lives for us, I hate that. I have different tastes to them, for a start. Recently, they bought themselves an aquarium for "£250" and I still can't figure out why they had to tell me how much it was, I don't really care.
What a waste of money!
@derek_a (10874)
•
25 Jan 11
No Janey, I don't think you are being too harsh at all, but I tend not to judge anybody as it is part of my challenge as a Zen practitioner. Zen never makes things easy you know, because how I am not to judge, when I amd judging now in saying that you are not being to harsh! Surely that's a judgement! But it's this struggle that makes us grow and you are growing through your own stuggles with you MIL
However I always seem to end up upsetting in-laws in one way or another, because I just share my feelings, and seeing that feelings tend to be irrational anyway, it will get engtangled with the feelings of others and then there's an upset! So perhaps it would be better for me to do it by voice-mail? - but I won't you see, because I would judge myself then for not saying it to their face.
At the end of the day, as a Zen practitioner, I would say that it doesn't matter what you do, as long as you are honest with yourself (mainly) about it. Staying in touch with your own truth will bring greater clarity of mind, and by writing out this post on here, you are more or less doing that. Now you can just watch it fade into insignificance, when you are ready to let it do that.
My philosophy of life it to engage with everything that comes along, but stay conscious and aware of your own feeelings and the consequences you can create with other. They may be good, they may be bad. But they are all about living life with everything it has to give or throw at you. Have fun by observing your self and your motives for what you do and how you react... 
_Derek
However I always seem to end up upsetting in-laws in one way or another, because I just share my feelings, and seeing that feelings tend to be irrational anyway, it will get engtangled with the feelings of others and then there's an upset! So perhaps it would be better for me to do it by voice-mail? - but I won't you see, because I would judge myself then for not saying it to their face.
At the end of the day, as a Zen practitioner, I would say that it doesn't matter what you do, as long as you are honest with yourself (mainly) about it. Staying in touch with your own truth will bring greater clarity of mind, and by writing out this post on here, you are more or less doing that. Now you can just watch it fade into insignificance, when you are ready to let it do that.
My philosophy of life it to engage with everything that comes along, but stay conscious and aware of your own feeelings and the consequences you can create with other. They may be good, they may be bad. But they are all about living life with everything it has to give or throw at you. Have fun by observing your self and your motives for what you do and how you react... _Derek@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
25 Jan 11
John was - initially being quiet last night after I told him about the phone call, but he's been the opposite today. He ponders over what I say..he's not sulking because he wouldn't speak at all if he was. He knows that I'm a wise (not so old) owl and I bloody well know I'm right lol.
I really should've nipped this interfering lark in the bud ages ago. There's still been no reaction (unless she's spoken to John at work) from the MIL..and it's a possibility that the voicemail didn't register. God, what a scenario! Anyway, no matter because JOHN knows I don't want the radiators now so he's gonna have to tell them if he hasn't already.
It is fun trying to unravel my motives in life. I surprise myself every day!
I really should've nipped this interfering lark in the bud ages ago. There's still been no reaction (unless she's spoken to John at work) from the MIL..and it's a possibility that the voicemail didn't register. God, what a scenario! Anyway, no matter because JOHN knows I don't want the radiators now so he's gonna have to tell them if he hasn't already.
It is fun trying to unravel my motives in life. I surprise myself every day!
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
27 Jan 11
I don't think you are being too harsh at all. They are interfering and have been interfering in your marriage for too long and it is about time you spoke up for yourself. As for you not working...that is not any of their business at all. That is between you and your husband and no one else. They may not like your words and John might have to hear about it but maybe they'll also stop and think twice before meddling next time...you can only hope.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
27 Jan 11
Earlier the MIL rang John (on his mobile of course, she never rings the landline) and she was nice as pie to him..no mention of my message left on her landline voicemail. This suggests to me that she hasn't played her messages back yet..or it hasn't registered anyway.
Oh dear!
I won't change my mind about the radiators though! No way. John said he will speak to his parents over weekend because I've got visions of them beavering away in the garage, trying their hardest to clean the radiators!
I guess there is a bit left to this "story." I shall keep everyone informed.
I won't change my mind about the radiators though! No way. John said he will speak to his parents over weekend because I've got visions of them beavering away in the garage, trying their hardest to clean the radiators!
I guess there is a bit left to this "story." I shall keep everyone informed.
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 Jan 11
You have every right to stand up for yourself. Take that MIL dearest! :D
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 Jan 11
Ah yes, "they're only trying to help"... Story of my in-laws. I wish they would ask first, as what they consider to be helpful and what I consider helpful are not always the same. If it's not needed or wanted, it's not helpful. (so there)
1 person likes this
@debsgw (256)
•
26 Jan 11
I love that "if it's not needed or not wanted, it's not helpful. (so there)" lol
how many times have we all been there over one thing or another?
It is a bit of a competition with the in laws when you first get married / start living with someone isn't it? Someone should write a handbook to help us out cos things can get very sticky at times no matter how much they seemed to love you when you were just dating their darling.....
1 person likes this
@BarBaraPrz (47332)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
24 Jan 11
No, you're not being too harsh. I'd say you were being very nice about it, but then, I haven't heard the voicemail...
Good for you for standing up for yourself!
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
24 Jan 11
Thank you so much! Well, I didn't shout. I thought really carefully about what I wanted to say, and just said it. If the MIL had answered the telephone I reckon I would've got tongue-tied and blubbed my way through without making any sense. The voicemail has actually done me a favour and I've been able to get my point across without any interruptions.
She can also play it to her husband when he gets home from work. That's something for him to look forward to. I bet he can't wait lol.
She can also play it to her husband when he gets home from work. That's something for him to look forward to. I bet he can't wait lol.2 people like this
@margerydaw14 (735)
•
24 Jan 11
no you are not being too harsh. my in laws have both passed on , but the bil and sil still are around But the thing with the radiators, reminded me of when i was saving up for a microwave, many many many years ago. my MIL decided she didnt want hers any more, and guess what, a good idea, sell it to me. I was a lot younger then, and wouldnt even have been brave enough to leave a voicemail in those days, so i took on a microwave , i wouldnt have chosen and it was second hand, although very clean. but blow me down about a month later she bought another one. Was she being generous and trying to save me some money ?? who can say, but she was very domineering and we were alway getting stuff off her, furniture mainly, like 3 pieces and coffee tables, that we did pay for but once again was she being kind?
But the thing with the radiators, reminded me of when i was saving up for a microwave, many many many years ago. my MIL decided she didnt want hers any more, and guess what, a good idea, sell it to me. I was a lot younger then, and wouldnt even have been brave enough to leave a voicemail in those days, so i took on a microwave , i wouldnt have chosen and it was second hand, although very clean. but blow me down about a month later she bought another one. Was she being generous and trying to save me some money ?? who can say, but she was very domineering and we were alway getting stuff off her, furniture mainly, like 3 pieces and coffee tables, that we did pay for but once again was she being kind? @Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
24 Jan 11
I would say she was interfering which is what I don't want to happen with my MIL. She has to learn that we can't have a house full of crap...sometimes, HER crap. It's alright for her, she has a massive garage and access to her loft if she needs to store anything. We don't have that luxury..which is why I have to put my foot down now before it all gets out of hand.
Fancy your MIL selling you a microwave, then she goes and buys a new one for herself. At least Mum bought me a new microwave because she actually ASKED what I wanted..it was a choice between that and something I can't remember, as a wedding present. I plumped for the microwave, a very nice Panasonic that she would buy for herself if she needed another one (she's had loads of Panasonics) lol.
At least Mum bought me a new microwave because she actually ASKED what I wanted..it was a choice between that and something I can't remember, as a wedding present. I plumped for the microwave, a very nice Panasonic that she would buy for herself if she needed another one (she's had loads of Panasonics) lol.