Is it selfishness to feel jealous with your husbands extending his work at home?
By Lhenni
@Lhenni (1242)
Philippines
February 8, 2011 4:21am CST
My husband is an engineer by profession and manages around 30 people in his team. He's always extending his work at home.
He's been a good provider though... and me as a full-time housewife now and a mother of 3, been a good caretaker of them. But I've been feeling nuts lately that I know I should not. I think I'm jealous (?) with his work! I don't know if jealousy is the right word... I don't know how to call it... But in fairness, he's not neglecting his duties as a husband and as a father... he's been a good provider to all our needs... as in all.
I missed those times we're watching tv together at the same time chatting anything. In his status now, we just have time chatting when we eat... no more, no less. When you talk to him while he's on pc, he can't respond to you the way you want him to... because he's occupied with his doing to the 10th power hehehe
Though he make sure that we have quality time once in a week... malling, eat-out, swimming, overnight out of town... He almost take his time in front of pc when at home ( that's why I want us all to be on the go... he's using desktop, no laptop.. silly me *lol )... He always sleep late & many times he used to rise early to continue his work... that's been his routine for 9 months now. But in fairness to me, I'm very supportive to him. We don't have even argue with that.
Is it selfishness to feel that way? He still not knew this sentiment of mine. I'm still in the process of self-acceptance and understanding to his dutiful act *lol...
Need help... enlightening advice please...
3 people like this
14 responses
@rameshchow (4426)
• India
10 Feb 11
The father role in a family is a key to the whole family members.
Crores are not rectify the affection on their children.
The father has to spend some of his valuable time and LOVE with his children....
Even my father is not education, i am a teenager, although he is very open, and spending more of his time with me only....
I love my papa(father).
@rameshchow (4426)
• India
10 Feb 11
yes friend,
and you know, my father is a well cook, when ever my mother will go any where, my father cooked well items for me only.
hahahaha....
@bluangel628 (383)
• Philippines
9 Feb 11
In my opinion, I think it's not selfishness at all. You just missed the way you two used to be before his work. But I must say you are very lucky to have a husband who's very responsible and hardworking. Plus the fact that he manages to still give you time despite his hectic schedule. Be glad also that he's at home when he works. At least you still get the chance to be with him and take care of him regardless of what he's doing.
@bluangel628 (383)
• Philippines
9 Feb 11
I must add as well that you should cherish your husband and continue supporting him. He needs your understanding now more than ever. Be there for him because I know by the looks of it, just by seeing you makes him relieved of his whole day stressful work.
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
11 Feb 11
My first thought was to suggest that you need an outlet outside the house. You say that he is not neglectful of his duties as husband and father, but how much time and attention is he giving the children? Is the current status going to be permanent?
@Lhenni (1242)
• Philippines
11 Feb 11
Hi bellis.
He said he'll stay there for a year or 2 from now... but in case they'll triple his salary, we'll think again *lol...
As far as I see him trying his best for us in his way, maybe that's enough for the meantime... but I hope it won't last very long.
@adhyz82 (36249)
• Indonesia
8 Feb 11
i think you must thanks to your husband..
he is responsible man and responsible workers..
He do it and very profesional for you too..
if he had been sacked or fired by his bos, you get the bad effect too..
sometimes it`s true if his works beat you...
but dont worry, he do it only for him...
why you must be jealous with his works?
as long as he dont make an affair,why you must be afraid and jealous??
@sweet_pea (3322)
• Philippines
9 Feb 11
Wow Lhenni! It is really amazing how our life can be quite similar.
I also had a dilemma before when my husband was a field auditor. He usually was away for most of the week and tries to come home to us on weekends. Sometimes, he still works on his laptop but most of the time he was asleep. I really feel that time that he was not spending enough time for us though he was a good provider.
So what I did, I let him know how I felt. So, if he is with us, he doesn't have to bring home work. I also made sure since I am also a working mom, I don't bring home work. When we go out of the office, we left all work-related things in the office. And we become mom and dad the moment we get home since I realize that you get to spend more time at the office than the time you spend at home awake.
If it is really unavoidable for him to extend his work at home, maybe you can talk to your husband to have a quality time hour with you and the kids. Where you can just talk or do something interesting. After you put your children to bed, maybe he can have an hour to do his work.
It is important that he knows your sentiments. An open communication is good for marriage. Besides children grow up so fast. You may not have have time for them now because you need to work. But when you would find the time, maybe they wouldn't be there anymore. They are already spreading their wings leaving the nest. So we must really cherish the times we have we them now that they are still young.
@sweet_pea (3322)
• Philippines
11 Feb 11
My husband once told me, that he is not a fortune teller to know what is on my mind. So if I have any problems with him, I'd better speak my mind otherwise we might not resolve anything. They just have to hear it from us.
Wow! I hope you enjoy your weekend get-away with your kids. I still don't know what we plan to do this weekend though.
@Lhenni (1242)
• Philippines
9 Feb 11
Glad to hear I'm not alone in this situation! You're great! You handled things in "a-what-it-should-be" way... while me, i'm hesitant to tell him my sentiment... i'm asking myself: "Is there a need?!".... but in a sense of "open-communication"... i will do it... I'll do it in weekends,.. he promised to bring us in the zoo ( children's day! )
'just glad he's not on a buying a laptop, though my 9 year old daughter showing hint to buy us one... she won't succeed *lol... he said, he wants to work only in office & at home. No outside trip to work ( good for us! ) With this, I'm sure that he's sharing his part to the best he can... i'm somewhat appreciate that.
@Lhenni (1242)
• Philippines
9 Feb 11
Yes unme9090, I should let him know my sentiment but my concern is... The fact that I do understand him ( it's just my silly feeling bothering (?) me... Is there a need?!............ anyway, I still should try just to know him what's in my mind. No problem, just a talk... thanks
Hi Adhyz82, i'm loaded doing chores at home... i'm a full-time mom for 2 years now... and maybe that's why I'm missing those light moments we used to do... Maybe, I should do the day-offs... I can't imagine myself working this hard, even my boss when I'm still working can't make me go overtime 24 hours a day *lol... anyway, family is special. I'm just making funny talk. And there's more catching time to look forward... thanks...
@choybel (5042)
• Philippines
8 Feb 11
I think that it is natural for you to feel that way. You are missing his presence and attention which was always with you unlike now. I don't believe it to be selfishness as you have not hindered anything and have actually been supporting him as you have said. I admire your patience and love for him. The best thing to do is to continue loving, caring and supporting him. You could probably surprise him every once in a while, wearing hot lingerie, etc. You know what I mean.
Good Luck to you and best wishes!
Good Luck to you and best wishes! @mermaidivy (15395)
• United States
8 Feb 11
My husband has been bringing work home since he has got his new position, he works at home after work, he works at the weekends... but he just has a lot to do that he doens't even have enough time to finish at work so he has to do it.
@bamrahkirti (1821)
• India
9 Feb 11
You are a lucky girl.
Your husband has a good job and providing financial security to your family and fulfilling his responsibilities too.
What you are feeling is quite natural.You are missing the old good days when you used to sit and relax and chat for long time but now due to shortage of time he is not giving that much time to you but he is trying hard to keep the family happy.
I am a working person and my husband is also having a full time job but his job is not permanent.When i get back to home ,i make sure to complete all household chores before he comes back from office.But as soon as he comes back he will switch on the television and that is most disgusting.He will not hear me and makes any effort to chat and relax with me.
You are lucky in this regard ,at least he is not doing anything to ignore you .He is trying his level best to keep you happy and satisfied.
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
8 Feb 11
Sometimes a job finds its way into your personal life as well. A spouse should find a way to support you when this happens. If they feel jealous of work you bring him, they may be feeling insecure about your relationships. The working spouse should also find a way to give balance between work and home.
@FrugalMommy (1438)
• United States
8 Feb 11
I don't think it's selfish at all. Maybe the problem is that all of the time he spends away from work when he's at home is concentrated at one time. If I were in your position, I would try talking to my husband to see if he could take a break around dinnertime to spend an hour or so with the family. It's good that he's providing for his family financially, but work shouldn't overshadow family time at home. Your husband probably needs time to relax and recharge, too. Working all the time can lead to burnout.
@EdnaReyes (2622)
• Philippines
8 Feb 11
It's normal feeling. Many wives complain about their husband focusing too much on their work and neglect their duty as a father and husband. But you must also remember, you are his partner, you are his friend, his ally and you should always understand how he deals with his career. Remember that for every successful man, there's a woman behind it, and you should be that one with your husband. As long as he does not forget his duties to you and his children, grant him the peace that you understand the reasons why he's working in extended time. It's the only logical means to stop all that worrying, all that silly jealousy. Make him feel he got the best woman behind him!
@Lhenni (1242)
• Philippines
9 Feb 11
... I remember comically saying him this word ( always ) when we are enjoying moments with our children... "And when in this world can you find someone like me?! Nowhere! So better be good always or else..." and his reply always be this: "Okay"......... just that *lol.. I'm glad to have him... I hope the feeling is mutual *lol ( of course, I know it is! )
@Alisea26t (80)
• Romania
9 Feb 11
Dear Lhenni,
I am in a 11 years relationship, and, since we were friends in highschool, than during the University, i was used to have him around me almost all the time. But, when we've finished school, and he got a job,(I'm still studying for a PhD)I also felt a little alone. I knew he had to work, and couldn't stay at home as much as I wanted, but still i missed his presence. To cope with this, i started to visit with my family more often, mostly when he would stay at work late at night (in the summer he had more work, being in constructions)and welcomed him with a surprise dinner and lot of love when he got home. Sometimes he worked even on Saturdays and i was a little upset, but it was his work, and i knew i had to be there for him to grant the support when he was tired or upset.
And i know that the wheel could turn someday and i could be the one away from home most of the day, so i have to set up an example.
So, my advice is, channel all your emotions to love and kind words.
