Tough Love

I am not permissive I know that. My daughter knows when she has done something wrong and she is punished. I tried time outs, the did not work for my daughter she would actually laugh on her way to the corner, although now that she is three they are starting to work. Taking things away from her do not work as she will just find something else to play with, although now that she is getting older I will tell her if you keep playing that way I will take it away and that often makes her play with it properly. When she was younger I would spank her from time to time but it was never with out a few warnings. It seemed like for a while that is all that would get though to her. I can't even remember now the last time I had to spank her. I wonder sometimes if I am to tough on her and sometimes I know I am but I also know what she is capable of and do not expect less of her. I know that at three she can clean up her room mostly by herself, which she does when she is done playing. I know that she can go out to dinner with us and sit and behave for most of the meal there is a little wiggling from time to time but we don't let her stand on the seats and disturb others. I know that she can dress her self, I still like to pick out her clothes most of the time but she can do that by herself as well. She is a happy little girl who has learned to say sorry when needed. She can use please and thank you. She knows when moms voice is firm it is time to stop what she is doing. I see too many parents who let their children just run free and give excuse like what are they to do? My answer is to figure out that they are parents and they need to parent, the child is not in charge you are. My husband and I are considered old school when it comes to parenting because we do not believe a spanking from time to time is going to harm her for the rest of her life. I don't know when it change to the children being in charge and the parents being powerless. I will not be one of these parents. But I am also not unreasonable and not allow her to be a child. I feel like I am doing a pretty good job with teaching her that there is repercussions for her actions, to be considerate of others, and be polite. I know she might be different from other kids her age when she gets in school as they are being raised differently but I hope that there are more like her. I was watching supper nanny on day and my daughter was playing and this kid starts throwing a fit and she looks and me and asked why is he acting that way, he is not being a good boy is he. At three she can see this so why can some parents not see it? I try to do the best I can for my daughter.

I believe that the most effective way to raise children is to use a combination of all parenting styles. What is important is to set boundaries. As the child grows and develops psychologically, the boundaries begin to change and develop as well. There are times when the child needs authority as well as times when the child needs freedom. As parents, we create the learning environments for our children.

I was the authority. only asked hubby about thing that had to be a combo decisions. And back then I could whoop their bottoms if thy got to far out of line . These parents that just talk to the kids that really doesnt do any good I seen it where parenets did this and when the kids got grown they run over the parents. And I have told grand daugter if the boys keep touching her private area she is to sock them for telling teacher dont do anything but get her timeout! and this is just kindergarten!!! and 2 little boys have been put out of school for showing themselves to the girls after 3 warnings were still doing it so they got kicked out. Kids are smart but parent has to be smarter and learn which way works the best for their kid to learn and have morals and be respectful

I think common sense and communication is the best two items you can use when raising children. I had a 'wayward child' and she about drove me nuts. I went to the Tough Love meetings, she went to juvie. Now we have two grandchildren. One I had guardianship of, the other I am helping my daughter raise. The ideal is having two parents in the home. Authoritative, Permissive or authoratarian are all good in their way and all have some good points. The best style I think is taught in Love and Logic. You can go to the website" www.loveandlogic.com and learn about them. They helped me so much and it all makes so much since. You don't have to yell or do anything extreme. It is mostly common sense and consequences.

I would opt for the authoritative one as I believe that parents should be strong in character so that the children will have a strong character and a sense of right and wrong. I have two little nephews under 5 years old. Whenever they came to my house they would go straight to the fridge and rummage on my snacks. I don't mind sharing snacks with them, but I want them to ask me for it, first. I have urged my brother to tell his children the etiquette but all he said is they are only children, they will know when they are older. Says who? If parents do not straighten their children who will, the society? So, often I took action of my own (when my brother is not around so I would not hurt his feeling) and tell those boys how to ask first for anything they want, how to behave in a relative's house, how to speak to the elders, etc.

I would opt for the authoritative one as I believe hat parents should be strong in character hat the children will have a strong character and a sense of right and wrong. I have tow little nephews under 5 years old. Whenever they came to my my house they would go straight to the fridge and rummage on my snacks. I don't mind sharing snacks with them, but I want them to ask me for it, first. I have urged my brother to tell his children the etiquette but all he said is they are only children, they will know when they are older. Says who? If parents do not straighten their children who will, the society? So, often I took action of my own (when my brother is not around so I would not hurt his feeling) and tell those boys how to ask first for anything they want, how to behave in a relative's house, how to speak to the elders, etc.

Honestly... there is no right way to parent. The best thing to do is give your child guidance, be supportive, and teach them right from wrong. My cousins mom was really strict with her, and her mother was slightly abusive, and she turned her mom into social services when my cousin was a teenager. It was a messy situation. If you are too religious, your child rebels, if you are too strict, your child rebels, if you are not tough enough, your child rebels... basically, no matter what you do, your child is going to be who they are regardless of how you raise them.

My kids are grown, I would say I began as authoritarian, and moved towards authoritative as I learned more about relating with kids. My mom was authoritarian. My kids learned well, did well in school and were not perfect. My kids were not hitters, but I did daycare. Form watching other people's kids I did learn that it was totally illogical to ask most kids "Did you hit so and so?" They are going to lie, for fear of punishment. Instead (since I knew it happened, I probably saw it.) I would say " Lisa, WHY did you hit your sister?" and chances were it would come out that sister did something I did not see. Then we would talk about better choices than hitting to take care of the problem. I had to deal with a lot of kids who never had to face consequences of any kind at home. Made me appreciate mine even more.

I am a permissive parent who just knows the importance of rules yet cannot bring herself up to enforce them all the time, since as a child, she herself ‘hated’ rules LOL No but seriously, sometimes I feel it deep inside me that I’m not being a good parent at all... in most cases, I let my son take decisions and support him in whatever he’s trying to do (normal naughtiness at school and home) or let him settle issues his way. A few times, I’ve actually contradicted him and there was a lot of trouble though eventually he walked my line. Also, at times I know that I have to enforce certain things, certain way of doing things but then something inside me asks me as to why cant he do those things ‘his’ way? Why does he have to follow what I say and do what is normally done by most? However, being a permissive parent has achieved one thing till now and that is my son’s confidence in me. In almost all cases, he’s so sure that mommy won’t scold him that he shares with me everything... a few things, he tells me later on. So its my hope now that as he enters his teens (he’s 11 now), that door of communication would remain open and I would have a chance to rectify his mistakes or gently guide him if I feel that he’s going to make a mistake. I’ve never imposed anything on him... whenever I try to do so, my own childhood and an imposing mother comes to mind and I know just how miserable a child feels under such an authoritative parent.

teens seem to be the hardest to parent in my opinion (we have 2 girls that are teens currently) and we have always been tough with our 17 year old because she was always getting into trouble with boys (seemed like she had a different boyfriend every week even when she was 12 and 13) now she is going to counselling but i think our attitude has been fair to her our 13 year old seems like she will be a bit easier (i hope!!)

I raised my children as my parents raised me: when I did something wrong that I knew was wrong, I was punished and the consequences fit the action. By the time I was 8 or 10, there wasn't much need for punishment. I can't remember ever being spanked or humiliated. If I was caught reading in my bed when I was supposed to be asleep my book was taken away. If I did not do the dishes when it was my turn, I had to do my own turn the next time plus the turn of whoever did the dishes that I did not do. This method teaches responsibility and consequences in a real and concrete way. They always knew (and still do) that I love them and we are very close. I don't know what method this is called but that's how I parented and hope that they will parent that way, too.

I do not know exactly where to classify myself. Am I authoritative? Well, yes and no. I assert myself only if my daughter- well, my son is grown up now to take care of himaself; if at all I may need to toss an advise or two at him or even if I need to admoinish I need to do it tactfully-does something that is outrageously unacceptable. Now, that doesn't happen. My wife takes over my daughter's disciplining herself most of the time. The father-daughter relationship is more of collaboration. Most of my interactions with my daughter are of the tutorial kind. I must say, when we started our parenting we were influenced by WW Dyer's book on helping children grow without without limits. This did indeed cause some disturbances in the way our son has come up. Esp. in respect of the seriousness he gave to academics.In other ways he has grown to be a paragon of a boy. Like so much so that he has grown beyond years and is almost an accepted cousellor for his own classmates. They do look up to him! May be in the rest of personality building this has served well?[I am not very sure either.] He is very creative, so we must applaud ourselves that we have left his creativity alive!?! Often it is the home that kills creativity of the child, and then the cap is put by the school and scholastic education. In the daughter's case we must say we have been a little strict and that has given one tiny advantage - that is she is more disciplined as to giving academics the required amount of seriousness. Was it the result of our taking a slightly non-Dyer like stand? Can't say right now. We do have to go a long way.

I would opt for the authoritative one as I believe that parents should be strong in character so that the children will have a strong character and a sense of right and wrong. I have two little nephews under 5 years old. Whenever they came to my house they would go straight to the fridge and rummage on my snacks. I don't mind sharing snacks with them, but I want them to ask me for it, first. I have urged my brother to tell his children the etiquette but all he said is they are only children, they will know when they are older. Says who? If parents do not straighten their children who will, the society? So, often I took action of my own (when my brother is not around so I would not hurt his feeling) and tell those boys how to ask first for anything they want, how to behave in a relative's house, how to speak to the elders, etc.

I went from Authoritative to Permissive. It worked so well for me. See I have a wonderful relationship with my two kids and I was a stickler. When I said no, it did not mean maybe, or later. It was a NO, always, even though it hurt me at night thinking about it. As the children became teens and they would ask me what time should I come home, my response was I brought you here, so it is up to you to use your own judgment. Do you know my kids brag all over the place that I was a really tough but wonderful mom. See when the sun came down my kids came back home, one day I asked my daughter if the party was over early, she said oh no it is still running but I figured it was time to come home. So my moral of my story is that I started right away, not when the problems started by when they were little, this way I gave them the tools to get them started right and when they started developing common sense they used my tools, they till today's date will tell me that I am the coolest mom as I meant business. lol, maybe this is why my son is in psychology.

I am, or was, a bit of all those things. We always treated our daughter as we would have liked to be treated ourselves. I spanked her only once and was (and am) deeply ashamed of doing that. Mostly she received reasoned arguments and instructions. I can honestly say that she never gave us sleepless nights until she went to the US last year; and that was worry about whether her medical insurance was adequate. I never did understand co-pay. She never woke up or went to bed without a cuddle and being told that she is loved and we indulged her curiosity by taking her places, museums, art galleries etc etc which also broadened our own minds. She is a loyal and wise girl whose friends all come to her for advice because they know that she will not judge them even if they have done things that she doesn't approve of personally. For example, she is very anti-abortion. But she took her girlfriend to the abortion clinic and stayed with her whilst the deed was done. Then came home and cared for her physically and emotionally afterwards. She makes us proud but I don't know that we should take any credit. We simply put her on the right path and she toddled off on the adventure that we call "life".

I think I am a balanced parent as is my husband. I like to give warnings, and I don't like to punish harshly, and I would never physically punish my kids. I always have been creative with my punishments, but I always give warnings before doing any kind of punishment, since my kids know I will follow through I usually don't have to go past the warning, they usually stop the undesired behavior after being warned. I think once you follow through with a child once or twice they know you mean business and will usually listen to you when you tell them to stop. My kids were misbehaving at a restaurant one time and despite being warned they kept it up. I told them we were leaving and got up and got up and left and of course they had to follow, they begged me and cried and wanted to go back in but I did not budge we got in the car and left. They knew I was serious after that and they have been better behaved in restaurants ever since. I wanted to eat at the restaurant as well, but I could not allow them to act like that, and I had to back up my threat to leave. I think a lot of parents make threats to leave or take things away or what ever and don't follow through. Following through is very important.

Hello my friend Anora_Eldorath Ji, Well, it is a vast subject, however, whatever theory you may call I would reval certyain my facts. We both are single married couple since 42 yrs now, wer have two sons and a daughter aged 40, 38, 1nd 36 yrs. and they have their own children. I am a retired soldier's wife. We are pure vegetarians, non-smoker, non-alcholic and to my surprise all our children as well. On other hand I never told them that theser thjings are bad, whereas we practiced them. Ultimately, I would bring out some points of talkiong during our first noight, if this helps to patrtiall respond to your discussion. We promiserd on 04 Dec-1969 that we will never user any slang language even when chjildrenm atre born and ebven infront of them. We always considered our children as our friends after our shoes and shirts could be exchanged. It is not that they do what exactly we say, but they have their own ways of sorting their problems. Out of both of our sons, younger spend hostle life aftyer his VI std. He stands more dominating that elder one. I would waiit for your reaction and terming my way of parenting. There is important point here that we never slapped/spanked our daughter till today and we have thrown challange to our chioldren to bring up thjeir own children. Thanks. May God bless You and have a great time.

I think that the type of parent that I am is a healthy balance between all of the types of parents. I like to let my children make their own choices, but I also know that I can't let them control everything about their lives because they are not nearly old enough to do it all on their own. I also know that there are times that my daughter tries to walk all over me and I really have to put my foot down. However, all in all I think that my children are good kids.