Your husband/wife love child...can/will you accept the innocent child?

hi! i do hope that this topic didn't come so close to home coz that would definitely hurt... both for a woman and a man. if i happen to be married, i know in my heart that i will never cheat and i expect the same from my husband. not only because of love but also because of the trust and respect. for me it's easier to forgive the husband if the cheating happened only once and it's a random other woman i don't know and he was deeply sorry about it and i felt the sincerity. but a cheating husband who had an affair far longer than a one-night stand... it's a different matter altogether that for me would be painful and will take time to forgive. but i would rather let go of him and let him find his happiness elsewhere. as for the situation presented in this discussion... assuming i really love that cheating husband so much that i'm prepared to forgive and have him back in my life... will i accept him and a child born from his cheating? hmmmmnnn there is so much to consider and it would take time for me to accept the fact that the husband cheated. even harder to accept a child from an affair. where is the other woman in the picture? honestly, cheating is one thing. having a child with another woman while still married is a big deal for me. (i don't mind if he had a kid or kids before we got married. i love kids. but that is different.) i can't readily accept him and the fruit of his cheating while still married to me. i would rather have the hurt go away first before i can deal with them. in time, maybe. not right away. in fairness to the child who didn't choose to be in that situation, the child must be spared for any anger i might feel for the cheating husband. i would rather not have them in my life while the pain is still too much coz even i... can't predict my actions given a situation like that. i might have a violent reaction so far from my nature. i'd rather not vent on the child. i don't want to take chances. if the pain has ebbed down and my emotions intact and i could think clearly... that would be the best time for me to deal with it and consider all factors in the matter. i want to be clearheaded when i do that. i know in time, i'd learn to forgive but not necessarily forget. in time, i might learn to accept the child. and if i would choose to be a martyr and have them both in my life, i'd learn to love the child too. but i have to be honest, the trust part has suffered a bruising that would really take far longer time to heal. have a great weekend too jane. :)

jaiho2009, The way I look at it, let's take the child aside here. It is a fact that for a marriage to come to such a devastating stage, is certainly not a one sided affair. As much as it had been said about taking 2 to tango, let's not forget that it takes 2 (doing or undoing) to split as well. So, I would not be entirely faultless if my other half let another man in and eventually have a child outside our marriage. Then, in a turn of events - the other party gains epiphany and decides to give the broken marriage another chance and/or try. I believe like yourself, it is not a simple process of turning the clock back and start where it (marriage) was left off. Unlike changing batteries for your malfunction wristwatch, a broken trust just could not be fixed when either party is unwilling and most of all, reach mutuality. It is just not that simple or straightforward. True enough, the child is indeed innocent but it should not be the bargaining chip here. For obligations just does not have a tinge of dignity to raise any one's motivation to be downright honest and most of all, is anywhere close about being loyal. Not forgetting, the willingness of the other party who had been hurt to accept the return. I really do not have an straightforward answer if this were to befall on myself. But, I will say this - that it will not be an easy decision to make and that things will ever be the same again, even when both parties are willing to give the broken relationship another try.

Hi Jai! Congratulations to you on touching magical figure of 5000 posts. I am assuming that your question is hypothetical and this situation is not being faced by any of your known to person. You see, if my partners cheats on me and one fine day decides to come back and that too with a child or pregnancy, I may not accept her because in view, the one who cheated me once could do it again anytime. She lost my 'trust', the moment she cheated me. Have a great day! Deepak

I was in this SHITuation as mother of the lovechild. Father was a foreign student. Here alone and wife and child in his country. By the time i found out about his family i was expecting and she was here and just had thier second. My lovechild is now 28 and just got married almost 1 yr. ago. She found her father online and they have a little contact with each other. She invited him to give her away for her wedding. He came with his wife. All during the wedding and after he kept trying to talk to me excluding wife from conversation. I always included her. I even hugged her and thanked her for coming. I didnt do that to him. They are from a country that allowed more than one wife. Which explains why she was so accepting. She seemed to get along great with my daughter too.

This is so very very difficult to answer. I have been married, i spent a lot of my time making sure that my then wife was happy, we lived together and we had a son. I worked so hard everyday to make sure that we could afford everything we needed. She sat on her backside most of the time. When i got home i had to do the cooking and cleaning and spent time with my son, all after a full days work. Anyway, later in life i found out she was cheating on me, we went our sperate ways as we knew the marriage just wasn't to be, but i was hurt by the cheating and that she used me for my money as she empted my bank account and took mainly all what we had in possesions in our home. But in this scenario you mention, if my wife had cheated on me but i truly did love her then i would be stuck as to what to do. I may love her so much but she has broken that love, trust, bond that we had. If i meant as much to her as she meant to me then she would have not cheated. By now i guess if i could put it to oneside then we would need to speak about everything to understand why it happened and how, also if it could happen again. This will then bring up the fact that she is pregnant. If the baby is not mine then it can cause many problems, if i stay with her then this may mean the real dad to the baby could be on the scene as he has a legal right, we may argue in the future and if things get heated i may say something i regret like that is not my child, or i could be the bigger man and look at the bigger picture. As much as it would tear me apart inside that my wife cheated and she is pregnant with a child that is not mine, then if she truly is the one for me and she is so sure she made one mistake and nothing like that would happen again then i guess i would forgive her and i would bring up the child as my own. We would stay a family and i would hope never ever to be hurt again. The only complications could be later in life if the child ever finds out that who they think is their dad really isn't there dad. Love is an amazing thing, it can always be tested in many ways, go by what you think in your head and feel in your heart. Just becasue one mistake was made it doesn't mean it will happen again, mistakes have to be made for us to learn from them.

i havent checked on what others have to say but as far as im concerned, yes i would accept the child. ive heard a lot of people say mean things against the child of their partner and i find it really mean for them to be acting such as the child knows nothing of the wrong their parents did. i would be angered but i know my love for my husband matters more. one child to accept is fine with me as long as my husband wont have anything to do with the mother of the child anymore. if he had another, that would be a different story. i dont think im ready to be in a very complicated situation and definitely il be out.

Whewww!!!Why you always give us big problem my bonita!!Well, I can't hardly tell honestly except when it would happen really in front of me. It depends on the situation. I am not sure of the saying that goes " let's just cross our fingers when we crossed the bridge"..[am i saying it correctly] I had once a friend (a wife), my co worker before, she got tempted to have an illicit affair with our boss they had an illegitimate child until her husband knew it, but to my surprised her husband still accepted her with the baby. What a great love. I guess, they went some other place to hide the people who knew the whole story. On my part, I don't know yet what I would do..unless maybe on the actual situation. Wheww!!! you make me crazy bonita Nice day ahead.. Mobhomeir here...

I would bid her farewell, and suggest she marry the man she obviously loves more than me. After we divorce of course.

Oh my. I'm not sure actually what I would do if put in that situation. Currently my boyfriend has an 8 year old love child from a previous relationship. I'm definitely okay with that, and I love the kid like my own, but I know that it's quite different because they had the kid when we were not together. I'm not really sure, but I guess it's not fair to the kid if you treat her/him unwell or you won't accept the child because it's not their fault in the first place.

Hi jaiho I will quit. No. Not because of being a husband or any pain thing but just because of a simple one - she doesnt love me and I have no right to cause her pain in forcing to stay with me. Now that the wife is pregnant, she might/would like to bring the baby in the world. This will always keep reminding her of him, his love or whatever... Practically it would be beyond anyone to stay normal in such a situation and the mind and heart will always have a want or craving for the "him" and in such a situation, staying married to any other person would make a life mess for the wife. If she is my wife, I will never wish that to happen... I cannot see or even think pain for her so how can I subject her to some mental pain throughout her life. So I would portray that I do not want her and leave her... but the fact would be that I would always want her to be happy

Jai beta You know me well, i was married long back in i966 and it was arranged marriage, my sons' , daughter's marriage was also arranged, you won't find divorce here, but your country is so different, the higher number of females compared to males is probably responsible for this. Love if pure, emotional can take all pains.. Thanks for sharing Cheers. God bless you, have a nice day ahead. Professor ‘Bhuwan’. .

My mother-in-law is in such a situation. She accepted the child. It is just that my father-in-law has some problems dealing with it. He was so indifferent with the boy. The boy felt that he was not loved by his father. My husband says maybe his father doesn't want to be reminded of his infidelity, that is why he is detaching himself from his other son. I don't think it would come to a point that I need to accept the child of my husband from another woman. Because if any of us engaged in infidelity, there is no more us. I just can't stand infidelity. There won't be any second chances since I couldn't bring back that trust again.

I think I could accept the baby, but not the husband. Maybe I am rare...because my mom was cheated on by my dad, i have never had a boyfriend or husband who was a cheater--I can smell that type a mile away. I have never had the urge to cheat, either. I firmly believe that if you want your husband not to cheat on you, you pick a man who has never cheated. It's as simple as that. But the child? Not the child's fault. Every child is a precious gift.

it is really hard to decide on this. for me, even the thought of my husband cheating on me is really painful. and I really can't forgive easily. So regarding about your question bout bringing along their lovechild is very painful in my part as well as very disrespectful. I mean no harm for the child because it's not his/her fault. But seeing everyday the fruit-age of their affair is very insulting on my part. maybe in time, I will be able the child but still seeing him/her, living with their lovechild is not really acceptable for me.

For one, I would look really hard into the reason that he cheated. Has he changed? There would be more to consider than just to take him back. Don't make excuses for him, make him tell you what went wrong. You are right, it is not the childs fault, but it can put a lot of stress on the already damaged relationship. Could I treat the child fairly, I could. Would I be able to forgive him, probably not. I would probably run as far away as possible.

As a parent of 4 children I would consider looking after the child if there was not one else....after all the child is innocent...but having my husband back? no way...I can forgive but I Am not naive enough to forget...any one that cheats on my? burnt his bridges before crossing it!

Most probably i will accept the child and raise him as my own but forgiving the guy would be difficult. i will make him suffer a lot emotionally then only i will take pity and maybe forgive. I think husband should accept the wives if she is genuinely sorry as breaking the relation is easy than keeping it is hard but it only works if its just one time mistake which will never be repeated in future.

I may forgive her, but i wont forget for the fact that her return might be of another reason. I can never tell if maybe the other guy has dumped her, so she comes back to me because she needs financial support, or that she just needs a father for her baby.

I guess I am going to be the odd one out here. If I truely loved my husband with everything I had in me, I could forgive him for cheating on me ONCE. If he was sincere with his apologies and I believed he felt terrible about what he had done, I could forgive him. I would make it very clear it's the one and only time that I would. As for the child made out of his cheating, I would also accept the child because she/he would be a part of him. It would be very difficult but I feel it would be equally difficult writing off someone I loved so dearly and for so long (if that were the case)

If a man cheated on me he would be out the door. Once s cheater always a cheater. If a man thinks he can hve his cake and eat it too they will do it. But if I was a person who would forgive her make or husband for cheating and baby resulted in it I would bite the bullet and learn to love the child since it isn't the child's fault. If one can't except the child then that relationship should end since a parent needs to put their child ahead of the spouse or partner.A child is innocent and don't ask to brought into to the world so why punish the baby for something they had no choice over. Be mad at the cheating spouse & the other women but not the baby.