Monday's Dear Abby

I think that the fact that the couple hd no children yet still maintains this close a relationship speaks volumes. If children are involved a relationship is necessary and it would be great if it were amicable for the child's sake if nothing else. No kids and still going out together at least twice a week? Ex still invited to family functions and he says it would be out of the question for her to expect that she would be his new best friend? I'm just glad that she woke up and smelled the coffee. These ex's still have feelings for each other.

hmm..well,with children involved i can see the need for quite a bit of contact(school matters,illness,making sure they're cared for). but sleeping over there or her having visits or ruling opinion on other matters over the current,no. i can see being on friendly terms but not to the point where the new is shelved all the time like a roommate.

I cannot view the link...sorry. All I can say is "the times, they are a changin'" (with thanks to Simon and Garfunkel for those words). Relationships are changing in a huge way and changing in a huge variety of ways. My own daughter is in a love relationship with a guy whom she spends most weekends with (she also works part of the weekend). She still lives with her partner and two children. She has the best of everything and has had to give up nothing. She and her daughters holiday with the boyfriend, they all go on outings and she will have the occasional weekend away with him when they can both organise the time off. My daughter has come to visit me with the girl's dad at Christmas and it's not weird. They have not slept together for years and they have separate sleeping arrangements when they are here.

The new partner would have to be very secure and trusting. Being that I am insecure as it is, I'd probably never be comfortable with someone being friendly with their ex. Understandably you'd have to be if there are kids involved, but I just couldn't deal with wondering if those old flames would ever re-ignite. Let's just hope I'm never in that situation!

I think it would really be different if there were children. But a person with any experience in life can tell when you see two people together and the body language, the mannerisms, the familiarity and you can tell if there is intimacy or not. I would give it some time and be very definite about boundaries and if the other person I planned to be in a relationship with seemed too easy going and I was uncomfortable with the situation I would walk away. And as early as possible so I wasn't hurt too badly. I mean sure life happens and older folks that get into relationships have to be open to such things but there is a comfort zone and then there's a comfort zone.

In this context, I guess Indian arranged marriages are better... what starts the relationship is essentially passion, and monies, and what stops it is also lack of passion and monies. Seriously I came across a case where the guy married a girl because he didn't know how to say no, (arranged marriage of course), and had a baby from her. After birth of the child, the husband and wife had a lot of differences, and passion went right out of window or door but the husband stayed in the marriage for more than 30 years. Now after so many years, he wants out... because wife has been denying him conjugal rights for over 20 years... Basically a nice person... but cant say I understand him...

I wouldn't be comfortable if my partner was close to his ex. I mean, they split for a reason and I would think they wouldn't want anything to do with each other. Not be pally again and make others insecure. I wouldn't be able to go on a holiday if my husband became an ex.

No, limit on the degree of friendship.. other than.. trying not to get back together and no flirting with them if engaged in another relationship at the time.. That can be hard at times for couples missing old times together.. If there is children and you and the children have a good relationship allow it to continue unless the relationship between you and the other was a violent one.. Children like to keep their friends it is always good when together to keep it as neutral with the children as you can in case you separate.. never make the mistake of trying to replace a mommy or a daddy in the role... but always be a good friend within and without if you can.. If you can not see them anymore be upfront and explain it or slowly withdraw from the activities or hint to the new person if friends with them about what they liked.. its different with every case.. treat is respectfully as a friendship within and without the relationship no matter what.. the vacations can work seperate hotel rooms next to eachother joining rooms.. are always fun.. my big family often had 2-4 joining rooms when traveling together.. door between rooms open when doing activities together and close for privacy time.. travel like a group.. good discounts many times that way.. the main thing to make it work is respect, and agreements..

not very good I think!

I think she did the right thing and Abby told her that too. I don't know, being that I've never been married, so I've never been divorced... However, my brother has stayed on civil terms with his ex, tho he's had lots of girl friends, he's never expected any of them to take his daughter's mom's place. However, he also never took any vacations with her, tho he did help her pack when she moved out of state. I told him that if he didn't want her to go, he could take her to court and keep her from going, but the ex agreed that the daughter needed to see both parents and paid half the travel costs until she was 18.

I agree with Abby. And I do think it would be different if there were children involved. I could NOT be in a relationship with a man like Harry. It would be uncomfortable, to say the least. I do think being 'friendly' is a good thing, certainly better than being bitter, but there's a line between friendly and still being in an emotional relationship with someone. If there were children then obviously it would be a good thing that both parents got along and were able to do things together with their children. BUT, from the other side, I think that would still be hard. My husband works with a man who has that going on vacation w/ the kids kind of relationship with his ex wife. His ex has a new man, but he doesn't have a new lady. I kind of wonder if that's part of the reason. Or, since he does work a lot, if he stays SO close to his ex so he doesn't have to look for someone new. I also think men aren't as threatened by it as women are.

I think that this sort of thing really does depend on the situation that is at hand with the relationships (both the old relationship and the new relationship. For example, when I first met the man that is now my husband, there would have been no way that I would have been able to have any kind of relationship with any of my exes. However, Tom and I have been together for nine years now and I'm rebuilding a friendship with my ex and he is completely in favor of that. If there are children in a relationship, I think that it should always be acceptible to have a cordial relationship with the exes.

I think I would be okay with it; my husband having a close friendship with his wife, especially if kids were involved. But as far as going on vacation with her and the kids? Why can't we all go. I'd hope I also was friends with the ex and the kids...

You got me with that one because I couldn't. I see where some can remain such good friends and all is well when it comes to vacations and gatherings, but for me somehow I could not see it. I guess to it depends on how the ending of the relationship was I suppose. The laughing part got me. lol

I have a civil relationship with my ex....he has a fiance.....I try to get along so when the kids are home visiting I get a chance to see them as much as I would like....otherwise it would be seperate visits and since they are not home very often I like to get the most I can out of a visit.

sometimes people are just such good friends, even if they dont enjoy lovemaking together, etc. but if you have a dumb new person enter the picture thats jealous you have to leave it go or take a chance on messing up the new one. i could remain friends with my first hubby, even though we could not live together. but his new wife is so jealous of me its ridiculous. so, we hardly ever talk. even when the kids were still little she couldnt leave it go. this is called being mature when you can get along with ex's that are still friends. immature to be jealous.

I dont like dear abby i think its a bunch of fake scandals somone writes up to add drama to the life of stay at home moms (when oprah and their soaps arent on)