What is The Least Offensive Way to Bring Up This Problem?
By dismalgrin
@dismalgrin (2604)
United States
March 22, 2011 1:15am CST
I have a wonderful boyfriend that has been there for me and I appreciate him every day I have him... I have a huge problem though. His mother.
I know that meddling Mother's are normal, but this woman is out of control I think. She goes so far as to interrupt our dates with hysterical calls thinking he is dead or something. And today she interrupted our 'play time' to tell him that she needed him.
If I buy my boyfriend lunch she gripes that I didn't get her anything too. And whenever my boyfriend and I head out the door she grabs her purse intent on coming along. She has to sit in the front seat of the car and she has very bad BO and the vents blow the smell on me! Then she monopolizes the conversation with my boyfriend so that I don't even get much chance to talk to him.
Times are tough right now and that's the only reason he lives with her is to help pay for household expenses. But, really she is paid for him taking car of her since he is her home health aid. The one time he tried to move out and get a place with me, she threw a fit about it until he agreed to stay.
I want to bring up the subject to him that this is an unhealthy relationship she has with him, but I don't want to be offensive about it. I understand that it is important to him to take care of her since she is in such poor health, but it is putting such a strain on our relationship to be putting up with this. She even yells at me when I tell his son it's not okay to hit me and tells me it's not my place to say that.
I don't want to hurt her feelings and start a fight. And I don't want to offend my boyfriend and make him think I'm trash talking his mom. But, something has to give here. Any suggestions?
9 responses
@craigy123456789 (1759)
•
22 Mar 11
Hi dismalgrin,
Wow, what a situation you are in. Well, to be honest though she is being like this and you feel shut out this is nothing compared to what i had. I was with someone, her parents never liked me at all, they forbid her to see me, she got pregnant and when she told her parents they suggested she terminate (too late for that) or have the baby adopted. This is as they did not want to know the baby or want me in their daughters life. When our son was born, i am rasing him on my own, me and my ex split becuase of all the hassle, her parents told me to my face that they never want to see me or my son near them, also they warned their daughter never to see any of us, the day she gave birth she was told to get home out of the hospital so that she wasn't near me or our son. Luckily eventually she got her own place and now does se my son, but her parents want nothing to do with him, parents are never always right. Anyway, if your boyfriends mum carries on then this could cause problems in your relationship. You need to sit your boyfriend down, tell him your going to speak and he will listen, then he can speak and you can discuss things together. Go where she cannot find you and turn all phones off, if he loves you he will do this. Explain that it is you and him in a relationship, not the 3 of you, tell hm you are never or hardly alone, never get quality time, explain that he needs to grow up and be a man rather than a little boy. His mother seems to be treating him that way. Explain that if his future is with you then you are also his family, you should get time alone, he shouldn't run to his mum when she comes calling, you are to sit beside him in the car. You need to live your lives together rather than the 3 of you. Explain that this is getting you down and if things don't change then the relationship will break down. If she can't afford where she is then she will have to get a smaller place or try to save money, that is not your problem or your boyfriends, she is an adult and so should act like one. If the 2 of you are serious about getting a place then if he is to do it you will need to set ground rules, or his mum will be around all the time, i promise you. He needs to tell his mum some home truths, he needs to say that the 2 of you are going to look for a place together and when you get that place she can come round once a week, or the 2 of you will go round to hers, you 2 have to live your own lives or this could break you up, there is only so much you can take before you explode and say enough is enough. Hopefully he will listen and understand, the more things you tell him about what she does and that it isn't right the more he sould understand and do something, you 2 need your space and time together without his mum causing you so many problems, good luck and i hope he does see sense.
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@craigy123456789 (1759)
•
22 Mar 11
I would say don't walk away without giving him the option of changing things. His mother seems to take advantage way too much, she should be ashamed of the way she is. If he won't change things then he could lose a decent person like yourself, his life is not his life while she makes all the decisions. It truely is disgusting, who in the right mind would get a vasectomy? That is between you and him not him and his mother. Im sorry to say but your boyfriend really does need to grow up and grow a pair of, well im sure you know what i mean, then tell his mum what will happen from now on, this surely you cannot carry on putting up with, what kind of future would you have? His mum is going to destroy his life if he does not make changes and quickly.
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@even1217 (61)
• China
22 Mar 11
I don't know what to say. His mother is a little bit sick. Maybe she can not stand with the truth that you and your booyfriend will be together and then he will be alone.
how about trying to sincerely talk with her that even if you and your BF get married, you two will visit her all the time so that she will not feel lonely?
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
22 Mar 11
He won't marry me because of her. At first he told me that he wanted to. But then he told her of his plans and she told him she didn't think he was over his first wife. Which was 4 years ago! So, then he changed his mind and told me that he wasn't ready for marriage yet, but he is willing to stay with me forever. It really hurts that she controls him that much.
@even1217 (61)
• China
23 Mar 11
I think it's paradox that since he decided to be with you, how could he not be ready for the marriage???
Maybe it's time for you and your BF sit together and have a long conversation that you can pour out to him whatever you think. Maybe you are now not in the situation for this conversation, but do as fast as you could so that you will not be hurt any longer.
I really hope that you can solve it right away.
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
23 Mar 11
I agree... we had a long talk today about the stupid vasectomy deal. I'm really upset with him for getting one... his mom was largely instrumental in him going through with it.. I told him all the way through that I didn't want him to get one, but now that it is done he claims that I never did. Haha. Kind of too late now for that one. But, I'm thinking about asking him to compromise for me. Ask him if he would be willing to consider marriage to appease my hurt and pain over him doing this. Because I don't think it's fair for her to make all the decisions about our lives.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
22 Mar 11
I can understand the situation you are in…I sincerely believe the call will have to come from your bf…after all, its his mother and his life so he cant really have a clear conscience on this while somebody else does the dirty talking for him. Whether you both have a permanent relation or not only time will tell, but like this, he’s not going to have any normal relation with any normal girl for the entire time that his mother is alive.
Also, his mother is not unique…there are plenty of women like that who are forever crying for attention and blaming the world for neglecting them (that’s what they think and survive on)…no amount of attention will ever please them so no point in trying beyond a certain level. You could of course put certain restrictions like how many time you would allow his mom to accompany you both or if he can allow his mother to interfere in everything ‘personal’ to you both BUT if he does agree, then he will have to confront his mom on this not YOU. Also, I do think you can tell you bf to decide as to how much he wants of both of you…it cannot be an equal relation between the mother and the gf…though I’m no goading you to break up, but I do believe you should put your foot down.
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
22 Mar 11
I agree that I do need to put my foot down. But I'm so upset right now it's tempting to just walk away. I don't want to be that girl though. I want us to have a happy relationship that I know is possible if his mother would stop interfering. Sadly some days I just sit there and wonder how much time she has left for this earth because it is so unbearable. I hate to think that way. But just dealing with her everyday is making driving me nuts.
@xien2xien (1382)
• Philippines
22 Mar 11
talk to your boyfriend and let him fix the differences between you and his mother, try to understand the old lady as long as you can and as long as you love your boyfriend, just tell your boyfriend that you love him so much but your having a hard time dealing with his mom.
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
22 Mar 11
Thank you for your response. I have done this much so far. I just really wish matters would resolve. It's getting to the point that I'm thinking uncharitable thoughts about her and I really don't want to feel that way because then I'm the bad person. Her health is so bad and yet she remains strong enough to carry on and hurt more and more people around her. It's getting really hard to deal with, but I don't think she is enough of a reason to break up with him, although I've considered that one too.
@xien2xien (1382)
• Philippines
22 Mar 11
she's sick and she has nothing but her son so she's very dependent to him and she's thinking everybody might steal him away from her and that makes her mad and hurt your feelings... i think you should take care of her too in that way she could see that you could help her son take care of her and not a rivalry for his son's attention :)
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
22 Mar 11
I did do that for awhile, but she would get mad at me for helping her like it was making her feel less human. I got so sick of her yelling at me about it that I just stepped back. If she asked for help I give it. But, I don't offer. One time she made me take her to the store in the middle of Summer. That ride was so miserable that I told my boyfriend it wasn't going to happen again. It took me 3 weeks to get the smell out of my car. I know she has a hard time showering, so I don't say anything about her smelling so bad. But there is only so much that I can take of that.
@jeffreyallen (298)
• United States
22 Mar 11
You need to talk to him! I`ve said it on other discussions. It`s all about communication. This woman seems like she`s causing problems to your relationships which isnt good. Talk to him. Just tell him what`s bothering you. I`m sure he would like to know. Dont call her names though lol.
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
23 Mar 11
Lol... I won't call her names. He is somewhat of a mama's boy anyway and I know that is a fast track to getting out of a relationship with him. I just think that there is a huge difference between being a mama's boy and having your mother planted up your butt.
@jeffreyallen (298)
• United States
23 Mar 11
really? would he take his mom`s side on this? not saying that any boyfriend cant take his mom side, but clearly she`s the problem between you too. :/
@patrickjason_cheng (24)
• Philippines
22 Mar 11
This is normal because moms tend to act like thier son is still that cute little boy 20 years ago. Shes just insecure with losing her son. Its going to be hard but try to talk to the mom in a very subtle way make her feel that your not there to stel her son. There are ways to say something offensive and sound like its not. If you talk to her make her feel your not attacking her so she doesnt go all defensive on you. So that you can have a good conversation with her with no tensions.
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
22 Mar 11
I don't think that talking to the mom is the best idea because she takes offense at even things not meant to be taken that way. She rolls her eyes at me whenever I talk... period. And she yells at her son saying that I'm disrespectful. So, I just shut my mouth when I'm over there and I don't really ever talk to him unless we are alone and that is so very rare.
@ddaguno (3107)
• Philippines
22 Mar 11
This is indeed a very hard situation because it'll be like you asking your BF to choose between you and his Mom. I know that if your bf's situation is different then he would love to spend more quality time with you but you have to understand that he cannot abandon his mother.
Maybe the two of you can sneak out and go somewhere without his mom knowing so you can have some alone time. Just let him know that you want to have some more time with him and it would be better if it'll just be the two of you.
@toniganzon (72277)
• Philippines
22 Mar 11
Your boyfriend seems to be very close to his mom and he is being controlled by her. At this point in time it would be very difficult to say anything against her to your boyfriend because everything you will say no matter how good your intentions will always appear offensive to him. I think the boyfriend should realize it himself if he truly cares for you. If only you sees it as a problem and he doesn't consider it as one, then there's no point in opening any topic about his mom to him.
I feel sorry that this is happening to you, but if it happens to me,i wouldn't be able to last in that kind of relationship because I would never ask my boyfriend to chose between his motherland me, but I don't want to suffer either. I really can't live knowing that my boyfriend's mom will always have a say in our relationship.
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
22 Mar 11
He is very close to her, but some of it is that he feels that he owes her for getting him out of some trouble when he was a kid. But, I know that most days he wishes she wouldn't hold that over his head.
I don't want to break up with him over it. I started going back to school to get a bit of a break from it. I can't stand her being critical of me all the time. She has an issue with me being a veteran, she has an issue with me being in college.
I can see why it might be better for my sanity to break up with him, but I don't think I should make him suffer for his mother's actions even more than he has too. I know he loves me very much and that's what keeps me hanging in there.
@azskull (90)
• Philippines
22 Mar 11
First of all you and your boyfriend needs to sit down and talk..Star the conversion with both of you feel at ease talking with each,Let him understand the issue and give him know the things you want to happen..talk it straight and with proper decorum you know what i mean..give him the reason one by one..don't just give him facts explain to him why it is very important to you because if these things would become worse it might end up your relationship because you can't take it anymore..Just be honest to him..truth hurts but the truth will set you free..
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
22 Mar 11
Yes, I know I need to talk to him. Right now I'm so upset with him I don't think I could do so without getting really emotional. As we speak he is getting a vasectomy because she told him to. He says it was his decision, but I know him and if it was his decision he would be more open to listening to what my feelings are on the topic instead of just going through with it no matter what my feelings are. I'm so angry I'm ready to call him and tell him to have fun, but I'm not going to share a life with a man that won't discus matters with me before making big decisions. He claims he will have it reversed in 10 years. But I've read up on them and in 10 years there is only a 30% chance that the reversal will take and I will be able to have a child with him. Also, in 10 years I will be getting a little bit too old to possibly have a healthy pregnancy. I don't want to have a child now... I don't think I'm in the proper place for that. But I don't think I want to wait 10 years to have a child. And I don't think it was right of him or her to make this kind of decision without my input
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