How do I tell her?

Hi SV! Your post appears to be connected with my post titled 'I am busy'. I feel that you are caught in your own web.. It is the flip side of showing sympathy with someone. You used to give her a patient hearing and she started taking it for granted that you would always be available for her and you would relentlessly play the role of a shrink for her and she can bother you any time. I think, when you are busy you can always tell her the actual reasons and if you are in a position to take her call, you may take the call. However, if you find that she is continuing and not in a mood to finish the long conversation, then you will have to use some 'excuse(s)' - e.g. your new maid has come or your little one is calling you or the tap is running or someone is knocking on the door or there is call on the other phone ..................something like it. All the best. have a nice day!

I appreciate your situation because I had been in a similar one with a friend who was single with a lot of free time who would call me every single day just to rehash the same old problems. I did nicely explain to her that I loved her very much and cared about her a lot but my days were very full and whistl I enjoyed our conversations very much I could nog take part in them every single day and as far as her personal problems were concerned I do not know how to help her and that she is going to do that herself!

Hullo SV! I can well relate to what you have written; -you had written in one of your comments that some problems are of her own making and she just wants to rant. But there is a limit to hearing her repeated woes. I have a small suggestion- if you are convinced that some are of her own making tell her that at one point of time in an open frank manner. Ask her point blank 'what is her real issue?'. If she comes out wailing then tell her your frank opinion and suggest your own remedy [if she does not like it is even better because she will realize that you are going to be unsympathetic.]

Does she have email? If so, all you have to do is tell her that you cannot talk to her right now, but would she email you. If she doesn't have email, this is a situation where you can use self-actualization techniques such as those taught in the delightful self help book by Suzette Elgin entitled The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense. You can say something like "I understand that you need to get some of these problems off your chest, however, hearing about them troubles me." Assume that she keeps talking. Then you say "I sympathize with your situation, but I am starting to think that you didn't hear me say that listening to your problems troubles me." The point is you always validate the other person by repeating back something about them that does not sound negative and then you go on to stand up for your own right not to be treated like a doormat. Here are examples of things that could be said: --You seem to feel so bad about your difficulties that we are unable to discuss anything else. I miss the person you were before all these things happened. --I am concerned that you might feel hurt if I tell you that hearing so many problems over and over makes me feel uncomfortable. --I am glad that you called, but if you don't have anything new to discuss, then I really have to hang up and go about my work. Let's get together sometime when you are feeling better! You want to avoid the temptation to offer her advice as that just keeps her going, and then she leans on you more. Good luck!

Dear friend, I feel she feels really relieved when she calls you. Moreover even if you have problems and if there is someone who could entirely understand usually we too get a great relief may be mental peace. I hope she needs a person for understanding her well and you are one who understand her without hurting her feeling. Moreover if you do not want to hurt her, just request her to get a good councilor or find someone you know who could give her better advice and to listen her problems. If not please request her your situation, may be without hurting her feeling as she see you someone who is dependable and trustworthy I hope so. I feel she needs someone to share her feelings, if not married tell her to get married soon to get her problems resolved, or just one day take her to a expert counselor, just tell her be a referel under you in mylot and to post her problems in mylot, there are lot here to give opinion are suggestions and also she may get reward too. Hope you will soon be out of this. Wish you all the best.

This is a very difficult task you have ahead of you. Your friend seems to have a lot of troubling situations in her life that she believes that you can help her with. However, like you said, some of the conversations are repeated and you have already given her your opinion on the matter. So, how do you tell her that you cannot talk to her as often as she wishes without hurting her feelings? Depending on how fragile she is, you may be able to tell her straight out, but if she is too fragile you may just have to take matter in another direct such as not answering every call and just tell her that you were busy, which would not be a lie, when she called; maybe she will figure it out herself.

Over lunch, just tell her the truth, you are too busy to chat Everyday. But then set up a time when she Can call, say once a week. That way you and sh can Still connect , but not as often!

Hello SV, Since you are sharing your opinion frankly with this friend, you can tell this feeling too to her. What is the point to repeat the same thing again and again so make her understand this without hurting her? Else you can tell her that, I am busy and will call you then no need to all her back, if you do this continuously two three times then she will understand, you are not interested to listen her problem repeatedly.

Hi SViswan, I think you are going to have to say something whether you hurt her feelings or not as like you say her negativity is getting you down at times now listening to it over and over. Tell her that you do not have the time to chat everyday because of family commitments and how recently because of these calls they have been put on the back burner and you need to play catch up. Ask her to call on a certain day and say then we can have a really good natter or arrange once a week to meet up for a coffee. If her problems are really getting her down tell her to go to the doctor as she could be getting depressed and they may arrange someone she can talk to rather than you. She must be lonely to have to call all the time bless but it does need to stop. Good luck with it. Huggles. Ellie :D

True friends understands each other. It is better to tell her the truth that sometimes you also feels tired and also have own problems to handle. Better tell her to meet once a week or a month whatever you both decide. Tell her that it would be better to have a sit and take time to talk about such issues. Besides it would also be your bonding time as friends. You can make her see this positive thru saying that you also need to have time to freed yourself from routinary problems of life. So hopefully, this could make her think that you also have problems but trying to find ways on how to manage things in a nice and proper way. Good luck. This would be better rather than time came that you might hurt her, and make her feels that you are avoiding her. Good luck. Happy mylotting.

Hi... Proceed directly and tell her that you have also your own problems and you have less time to handle them. If she understands then she is your good friend and if does not then she is not able to be your friend anymore. have a great day.

People like that tend to just not get it. You can try ignoring her calls. But that might not work. You have two options really. Either tell her directly, and just say what you need to say. Or you can just deal with it. If you really can't handle talking to her every day, you should better just tell her outright. Because if you don't deal with it, it will get worse and worse and worse, until you finally say something harsh, and really hurt her feelings. Me, I'm the kind of person that tells people straight up exactly what I'm thinking. I'd rather hurt someone honestly and openly, than hide and conceal, and ignore the phone, and deceive them by saying I'm busy all the time. I'd say something like "I'm sorry hon, I just can't handle listening to this anymore." and just say it straight.

some times you just need to be blunt but dont you have caller i d so you can see who is calling just dont answer the phone but try and keep in touch once a week at least it sounds like she depends on you alot good luck

She would definitely get hurt no matter how subtle you would say that to her. She got so used to expressing everything to you that she has become insensitive to your own feelings. She's so caught up with her problems that she has forgotten how to listen too. I feel sorry that somehow she has become a burden and I think it would be best if you tell her honestly that sometimes you just can't be involved anymore as you have your own life to deal with. I'm sure she will understand when the time comes.

I have a neice does me the same way I just listen say a few things and we soon hang up not much ya can say thst woulldnt hurt feelings. So glad I havbe a walk around speaker phone helps alot!