How helpful is your spouse?
By tlb0822
@tlb0822 (1410)
United States
March 30, 2011 4:02pm CST
I started this discussion to see how helpful other peoples spouses are. My husband works about 14 days out of the month, because he works shift work. He works all nights from 6 at night till 6 in the morning. He has an hour drive to work so its more like 5-7. So during the day he sleeps until it is time for him to get up get something to eat and then heads to work. I am responsible for taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, doing laundry, and running errands. Before having my second daughter in february I also worked about 30 hours a week. Now that I am home all the time and I have taken on more of a load of taking care of both girls, I have found myself annoyed that my husband doesn't take a bigger part in helping me out with the daily chores. Granted, I love my husband very much, and he now pays all of the bills, deep down I feel like he could help out a bit more around the house and with the girls. Seemingly it may be my fault because with our first daughter I did everything, and I think that he just expects it of me now. My husband has never had to get up in the middle of the night for feedings, change a diaper, bath the baby...nothing. I can't even remember the last time he has changed a diaper. And when I do ask him to hold the baby, he puts her in her swing or bouncy chair and does something else. So when she begins to cry I am ultimately the one to pick her up and tend to her. Today is his day off and as soon as he woke up, he decided that he was going to go to his buddys parents house. So he has been gone for the past 2 hours, while I sit at home doing what I always do. It seems that on all his days off he has some type of running to do, so that he is out of the house and I remain at home with the children. We do not argue, or have maritial issues so I am unsure why he is so anxious to leave as soon as he gets up and does not take a bigger role in taking care of the kids.
So I guess I am asking for some advice on how to get him to be more involved in everyday chores? Have you ever had this issue with your spouse? Should I just suck it up and continue to do everything and ignore these thoughts? Thanks for the help.
1 person likes this
6 responses
@mermaidivy (15395)
• United States
1 Apr 11
Let me share my story with you.
My husband is the only one working, I don't work so I take care of the housework and take care our 6 months old. He pays the bills, he fixes stuff around the house, he would help if I asked him for some favour but not everytime - mostly only when I'm very occupied then he would help.
When our son was first born, he seemed like he nothing to do with it as far changin diaper, getting up in the middle of the nights, playing with him etc. So I was extremely exhausted due to the sleepless nights and nursing him really worn me out, besides, he refused to change diaper at all because he thinks it is mom's exclusive duty, I finally felt like I was going to explose, I asked him if he could help a little in the middle of the night, maybe just Firday? Saturady? when he doesn't ned to work the next day. I was too mad at some point that I said I don't see we would have another kid because I'm the only one doing all these works.
So I think my husbnad has got better since he gets more bonding with him, especially our son now reacts to us and will smile and stuff. My husband still gets up rarely but I'm sure he would help if I don't feel well. He would change his diaper if he has to meaning when I'm busy.
So I think being a mother is definitely hard work and guys don't think it is as difficult as it looks like but it is as we are mom so we know.
I felt like I really needed help so I talked to him otherwise, I would have gone insane long time ago - my parents or relatives don't live in this state, I don't have friends here so he is the only help I can get.
I hope you will open up and talk to him that you need help because it can wear out the mom and make life unhappy, he shuold understands.
1 person likes this
@abbiemaldonado (288)
• United States
17 Apr 11
My hubby never got up during the night to help me... I would kick him to wake him up and he would just yell at me... so I ended up giving up.
He doesn't help me much at all.... but he works all the time, and we hardly ever see him. but then when he is home he is so tired that he doesnt want to do anything around the house.
@kaka135 (14931)
• Malaysia
1 Apr 11
I also think you should talk to him, tell him what you think, and discuss how you two can make things better, but not to blame him.
Sometimes I think it's just mother's or woman's nature of doing all these things. I have friend who is willing to help his wife on the house work and taking care of the kids, but the wife keeps complaining that he is not doing it right, and hence he doesn't feel like helping anymore. I have read advices about parenting, wives should not complain too much when the husbands are helping out, try to make the husbands think it's fun to do so, especially interacting with the kids. It makes the bonding between the father and the kids.
I have just become a work at home mother, and taking care of my son full time. I used to think that my husband is not helping enough, especially when I am rushing for my freelance projects. But, when I really think about it, he has to wake up early and go to work, with all the pressure at work and the traffic, he is actually very tired when he got home. Also, he has back pain problem, so he has to rest more. He also tries to help out as much as he can, and he told me not to do some of the house work if I am tired. Slowly, I adjusted myself to it. The reason I quit my daily job is because I want to take care of my son. I am very grateful that my husband supports my idea, and let me do what I want. I should appreciate this, and if I complain too much, I'll make myself and my family not happy, and this is not what I want.
I do agree that sometimes you should give yourself a break. Perhaps you can ask someone to take care of your girls for you, whether you go and look for your friends or you go out with your husband. If you are too stressed up, your kids may not be happy too. No matter how, I still think you should talk to your husband, let him know how to feel. ^_^
@dodo19 (47317)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
31 Mar 11
You could always try talking to him about this. When doing so, talk to him in an area with no distraction or something. Let him know how you feel. That is one thing that you could try doing. Another thing that you could try doing is making plans of your own, while it's on his day off, and let him know ahead of time. I know that it has been mention, but sometimes you just need time for yourself away from your children. I don't doubt that you love your children, or anything like that, but I do think that every parent needs to think about their own needs as well as the needs of their children. It is important for you to have time for yourself.
@abbiemaldonado (288)
• United States
17 Apr 11
My hubby doesn't help much at all around the house, and when I ask him to he still doesn't...
He works full time plus.. sometimes doing close to 20 hr days and sometimes 7 days a week. I stay at home for the most part with our 6 month old son.
But it would be nice for him to see that the dishes need putting on or that the trash needs taking out without me having to bug him about it. I dont get much time to do house chores because our son is very demanding, and I have way too many projects going on.
So his help would have been nice...
@pastigger (612)
• United States
31 Mar 11
I would say talk to him about it. I have one daughter and I know when she was little my husband told me, she's boring, I told him I know but we are her parents and we both need to have time with her. She is three now and she can interact with him more so it is a little better. But I work from home, I run a home daycare so I can say that he does help with some house hold chores, I do most of them. I would ask him also why he would rather spend time with his friends than his family, family should come first. He needs to spend more time with the girls as they will be older to quickly and may not want him around then. My husband works 4 ten hour days so he get off three days a week where I only get two. We try our best to do what we can but I will tell you all day friday he does what ever he wants which I get annoyed with from time to time. If you did everything with your first he might be unsure of what you want him to do or even be uncomfertable doing it, although he may not admit that. Talk to him and if he is like my husband some times I have to tell him point blank what I want him to do. For example I texted him this morning and asked that he give our daughter a bath tonight. Sometimes the easiest way to get help is to ask. Sorry for the rambling but hope it makes some since.
@iva75cpb (729)
• Bulgaria
31 Mar 11
First of all you can try and talk to him about it, BUT having in mind that he is too busy, he works a lot and has only one day off. Forget about blaming him for not helping because solely paying the bills is a big help, actually. If he agrees to talk both of you can make an example list of things he may try to do to help you. I think if you sit and talk and if he understands you, you can reach some agreement. The truth is in talking, that's what family is about.
I don't have this problem for now but actually what I want is exactly what you do - I'd love to take care of the kids, all the housework and so on, as long as my husband pays the bills. For now we both work, we have only one kid and he helps me a lot with everything.
Explain your husband how you feel but don't try to tear him apart from his friends. Otherwise he may even not come home one day.
