Death of Uno and Kaimi

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Okay, so now I have the heart to post this. They both died last week. I was really crying hard and was so depressed. My friends were very supportive. At first they didn't understand why I was crying over my cats, but when tears just rolled down my face nonstop, they started to understand that I really do love my cats. Just thinking that they're not with me anymore brings tears to my eyes again. Anyway, I decided to post how they died here, to help me let go. Uno died last monday (March 28, 2011). 4 days before he died, my sister found Uno with sever lacerations on his front left leg. We were speculating over dinner what happened because definitely he was fine in the early afternoon. 1 thought came to mind, the tom-cat is out prowling again. We're thinking that Uno gave a fight cause he was really really severely lacerated. His bones were showing. The sad part here was no one had the nerve to clean-up his wounds. He might bite. So we just let him kip in a dark space while he's recuperating. We remembered that we had a puppy whose front legs were rolled on by a car, but he turned out okay. We gave him water and food, by the 2nd day he was out on the backyard. Mostly keeping to himself, but still, strong enough to walk around. By the 3rd day, he was already interacting with his siblings (Dos and Tres), not playing around yet, but definitely better. Then at about 6am, when we went outside, my aunt (who really liked uno) saw that Uno was dead already. We were really sad. I didn't have the heart to look at him. I was devastated. I was waiting for my friend's payday so that I have money to send him to the vet/send for a vet to look at him. Unfortunately, he died the morning of my friend's payday, so the money came in too late. I kept blaming myself. If only I didn't wait for my friend to pay me back and started looking for money elsewhere. We could have saved him. As for Kaimi, he died 2 days after Uno. I noticed that Kaimi had a decline in food intake. I thought he was just full or sleepy. My siblings also noticed that Kaimi started to sleep a lot and cry less. I told them that's because he's already broken, and that kittens should just sleep and eat. But I really started to get worried when he wasn't eating as much. We thought that he didn't like drinking from the bottle, so we switched back to the syringe, and then one day, after work, I saw my aunt feeding kaimi. Kaimi wasn't his usual self. When we feed him, he usually squirms a lot and cries a lot (because we still wrap a towel around him), but this night, he was just accepting the milk. When we put him down he usually can't wait to get out of the wrap, but that night, he just lay there, crying softly! I felt like crying. I knew what was going to happen already. After feeding him, I gently put him down his basket and started stroking him. He gives a faint cry and his head tries to follow my fingers whenever my touch pulls away from him. I can feel ike he's crying and that he's really in pain. I told him to just rest and get better. He fell asleep. I was watching him. I was afraid that he'll go when I'm not looking. I was talking to my fellow cat-lover friend and he was trying to comfort me. We were still talking when Kaimi died. I can't forget it. I was stroking him and stopped for a while. I was staring at him when suddenly, he stopped breathing. I was anguished I kept tapping him, asking him to wake up, when he wouldn't I shook his basket to wake him, but to no avail. I was crying and asking Kaimi to wakeup, my friend was trying to calm me down. When his death finally sunk in, I just scratched his ears until I can't cry anymore. It was already late at night, so I can't dig a grave yet. I just placed his basket outside, made sure he was warm in the blanket, and went up. I couldn't sleep at all. I tried to cheer myself up until I fell asleep. I woke at 6am to dig his grave then went to work.