I always miss my mom

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When I opened my account here, my eyes was hooked by the discussion "Mother is our best friend". My eyes get teary but I didn't let those tears rolled from my eyes. I just miss my mom. Everytime I see a post that reminds me of her I almost cry. I can't still accept maybe that she's gone forever. And though I know the fact that she's somewhere I don't know. I'm a believer of the Lord, yes. But of course, this kind of emotion is not about religions, it is something that dwells inside our hearts, our feelings that we can't control sometimes though how much we wanted to. I always tell myself that I must not be guilty of what had happened since I can't do anything about it anymore. She died of breast cancer and so, it was nobody's fault. Maybe I'm guilty because I don't know what to do that time to increase her life. And there's a point that time that I pray for her death to come, just because I don't want to see her feeling much pain. It actually kills me everytime I remember those little prayers. Just because it gives me the idea that maybe I was the one who killed her on my prayers. I wanted to see her. Even on my dreams. I wanted to talk to her. I always remember her everytime I see white dresses. Because, when she could still walk and eat by herself, she brought a beautiful white dress and told me that, "this clothes will be the clothes I'll be wearing when I'm lying on the coffin". She prepared everything so early. Though I always tell her not to be that ready. There are undergarments, shawl, and the white dress. I hate remembering all those things. It actually breaks my heart each and everytime I remember everything. Just because, of all my siblings, I was the one who took care of my mom, even before she got ill and die. My professor told me, "the Lord will take from you the dearest just to test me". Yup, and I believe that too. But, I can't just say "Ok" just because I know until now, the ghost of yesterday is really haunting me.