Mom Alert
By Amber
@AmbiePam (92865)
United States
April 9, 2011 4:03pm CST
Have you ever been in a bad situation and it doesn't sink in just how awful it is until a particular incident occurs bringing home the reality of it all? Maybe even it is a relationship. What I am thinking of is my 51 year old mother having dementia. This week my dad went to an auction in a city about three hours away from their home. My sister lives fairly close to the auction. So my dad dropped my mom off at my sister's home. Now keep in mind my mom's dementia does not make her forget who she is or what happened in her life. It makes her forget how to tie her shoes, how to brush her teeth...and her short term memory is troubled as well.
So my sister takes her to lunch, but on the way my sister has to use the bathroom. She stops at the first place that has a bathroom and tells my mom not to get out of the car. Which is fine. My dad has done that before when he has paid for gas - no big deal. This has never ever been a problem. Ten minutes later my sister goes outside and my mom is not in the car. She looks around the place and cannot find her. She goes back inside and asks an employee if he had seen a woman get out of that car. The employee said yes she came into the shop, but she had gone back outside 5 minutes ago. My sister is getting worried when she looks across the street. And there is my mom, sitting across the street, in an SUV. Yes, an SUV that is not my sister's, not even close to looking like the car they were driving...
And my mom had no idea it was not their vehicle. My sister got her out of the SUV and walked her back to her car. When my sister told me this story it sunk in just how bad this has gotten. I mean it's been bad. My mom has hit me and not remembered doing it. So I KNOW it has been bad. But getting in someone else's car? Needless to say we won't ever be leaving her alone, even if it just going into the store to pay for gas. My dad is trying to figure out how he can take her to the bathroom without offending anyone in it. She'll go to a bathroom, come back in 5 seconds, and then say she used the bathroom. But she hasn't. So when they are out and can't get home in time for her to use their own bathroom, he is "up a creek", as the expression goes.
So tell me about the times when life didn't just sink in, but pounded into your skull how dire the actual situation is/was?
8 people like this
13 responses
@GardenGerty (160708)
• United States
9 Apr 11
I know that you know that I have worked in nursing homes and with people with severe dementia. The last nursing home I worked in we "received" a resident who had been put out of the ones in her city. We did not get told why until after an incident we had. Medications are delivered to nursing homes and hospitals on a daily basis by courier. One evening our courier came in, left his car running as usual, and our lady went out the door and tried to get in his vehicle and drive away. He had locked it, which is what the law now requires. Our nursing home had to install wanderguard alarms and locks on the doors, and we learned that at her previous residence she had gone out to the parking lot and taken a company vehicle, because the keys were left in it. She was caught when she went to a Quik Trip to try to buy gas. That is one frightening episode. I quit working in nursing homes and had another job, plus I did "merchandising" jobs in various stores. Usually adding new products in pharmacy or health and beauty departments. I was doing this small job when a white haired older gentleman approached me. He asked if I was the one who had been sent to help him, he had asked at the pharmacy and they said they would send someone. I was not, but when I heard his story I was more than happy to help. He was trying to match a particular kind of makeup base for his wife. She did not get around well plus had Alzheimer's. He said he left her in the vehicle. That alarmed me, as it was over 100 outside. He said she would be fine, he had left the motor and the air conditioning running on the RV. Having already had my experience with a resident who drove, this made me very prompt to help him.
As far as bathrooms go, many stores and some restaurants now have what they call "family restrooms", designed both for his situation and for the situation where mom may be shopping with a little boy who cannot do it himself but is too old for the lady's room. Some places also have private handicapped restrooms.I am thinking of hospitals and clinics in particular. I guess you guys need to look for options in the places that he takes her.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (160708)
• United States
9 Apr 11
Our Wal Mart has the family restroom. You may have to ask for a key. Most hospitals should oblige as well and understand. Restaurants very few have them, our Sam's Club does not. It might be a case for her wearing Depends when they go out. It is pretty sad, I know.
1 person likes this
@Kashmeresmycat (6369)
• United States
9 Apr 11
No Ambie, I have never been in this type of situation and I don't even know how to answer your question. I feel so bad for you and the family and how hard it has to be.
Is there any possible way you could find another person, like an older lady too, that could maybe go on the trips with your dad, sister, etc. I know money is tight but sometimes the older retired people will help out for a small amount of money. Do you know what I mean at all? I don't mean a nurse or professional. Just someone to go along with the ride to make sure she is safe (and she can take her into the bathroom too if needed). There are alot of senior's who are looking just to make a little extra money but can't find work. I can't think of anything else you can do at this moment.
@GardenGerty (160708)
• United States
9 Apr 11
This might even benefit someone who just needs a ride some place from time to time. I think this could be a good idea, depending on the support in his circle of friends.
1 person likes this
@AmberNormandin (883)
• United States
14 Apr 11
Hey! Have you received any emails from me??
To say I'm heartbroken over your mom is an understatement. :( I don't even know what to say. I'm just so sorry that this is happening to her, and you all.
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
9 Apr 11
I can not begin to relate like book and GG can Ambie, but you are in my prayers, this has to be very difficult for the whole family..
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
12 Apr 11
That is SO sad! Wow.... If your mom was in her right mind, she'd be so embarassed, bless her heart! I know she'd rather be away from this world instead of being in the condition that she's in. My mom says she never wanted to be a burden on us kids and I have to keep reminding her that she's not, she's my mother and that I love her. Your mom doesn't know or understand what she's doing and I find that so sad! What a cruel cruel disease!
As for you sweetie, it's hard to tell when someone has gotten as bad as they have until something like this happens. You, your sister or dad are not the blame. Sometimes it's the every day life that we live that we can't see the difference right away. So don't feel bad about it, you didn't know. Just be thankful that your sister was able to find her.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (92865)
• United States
14 Apr 11
I'm so sorry about your mom. That's awful.
It's really important to me not to have regrets once my mom passes on. She's only 51 so she'll probably be around a lot longer. But when she is gone I don't want to think back and think about all the things I should have done.
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
13 Apr 11
Bless her heart! And of course you and your dad too! All you can do is love her while you have her. When her time comes, you all will know you did your best by her just like I can with mine. My mom may have had some mini strokes this past weekend and strokes is what killed everyone on my mom's dad's side of the family. I just do the best that I can by her so that when she does leave us, I'll have nothing to feel guilty about. 
1 person likes this
@daeckardt (6237)
• United States
15 Apr 11
I am sorry that your mom is going through that. As far as using the bathroom goes, I am reminded of a time I was working with a developmentally disabled man and we were in a public place. I had to take him into the women's restroom (I wouldn't go into the men's) and I would put him in the stall and wait for him to finish. I was hesitant to use the bathroom myself, but I had no choice. I know in a lot of places now have "family bathrooms", but finding them isn't always easy. I hope that you are able to get her help.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
10 Apr 11
Wow!! Sorry to hear this happening with your Mom, and she is only 51. This is quite early for Dementia is it not. Could it be other health issues making it this bad so early? I know I have forgotten things at times, and know that towards the end of my Moms life she had dementia but just hope with all my other issues I go thru, and put my husband thru something like this never has to be an issue for sure.
1 person likes this
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
10 Apr 11
I really cannot recall anything right off the bat right now. Brain just isn't working yet. That is so terrible about your mom. That is so scary that she got into the wrong vehicle. I feel sorry that she is going through this along with your family.
1 person likes this
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
9 Apr 11
So sorry to hear this. It would be a scary thing to have happen. I have not had to deal with anything like this yet, but my lives with us and so there is usually someone with her. She does not have dementia, but somedays I wonder if she will as she will do or say something that makes me wonder. I hope that you and your dad and sister will find the answers you need in this situation.
@Mirita (2668)
• United States
10 Apr 11
I know that this is a very difficult situation ,and I really don't know what to tell you. I work with children who are low functioning and we always need to be alert with them specially when we take them out. Your mom is like a kid ,and your family needs to start taking the same precautions that you would take with a toddler since is easy for her to put herself at risk. Maybe you need to find out if your mom qualifies for some type of assistance like disability ,and you can hired a part time attendant who will take some of the pressure from your Dad. On the other hand, don't worry so much about her condition and just show her that you love her very much.
@Mirita (2668)
• United States
10 Apr 11
Well, if your mom has regular disability because she is unable to work and your parents are in such bad financial situation, it might be a good idea to apply for supplemental disability. Usually people have this if the regular disability is not enough. Also, you don't have to hired a nurse ,but a companion for a few hours a day.
Also, I'm sure the family can come out with solutions such as selling their home and moving to a small apartment or other family members can contribute to some money every month. you will be amazed that sometimes there is a solution ,but we just don't see it right away.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
10 Apr 11
Wow! What a scary situation.. I'm really glad it worked out allright.
I know a lot of places have family restrooms.. like malls and such. These are primarily for families, so that a mom like myself doesn't need to bring my young boys into the girls room.. or make my boys go in the mens' room by themselves. Your father should definitely utilize these restrooms when he's able. Perhaps you could also petition various businesses in the area to offer more family restrooms, and explain to them that in many cases even older families need to utilize family restrooms.. because generally these types of restrooms are geared towards families with young kids. Just a thought I wanted to share.
When has life pounded me in the head? Well.. my story doesn't compare to yours so I won't bother sharing it.. but I will just say that this pounding is what started me on my current track to get more financially stable!
1 person likes this
