should I apologize to my co-worker?
By keshia2007r
@keshia2007r (2880)
United States
April 10, 2011 12:25pm CST
ok, let me give you a little back ground on his personality. He's been working with us for about 5-6 months now. The very first time I met him, I just knew I didn't like something about him. So I kept distance, later I let down my guard and tried to get to know him. I was at least friendly to him. But over all he is a very disrespectful person especially to women. He has trust issues with women and he does not respond well to women with power. His everyday vocabulary is all you F*ing this, and you f*ing that. So last night, I finally had enough of him. He notice I had an attitude and I told him it was because of him and how he is so disrespectful to women. He actually said "how" so I gave him a few examples. The argument then got heated, I told him he has problems with women because he has "mommy issues" and I don't want to associated myself with people like you. I then asked him "was she not there for you" as soon as i said it and the way i said it, i wanted to take it back. In my opinion men who has problems like this, had no strong mother or sister figure growing up. Because no man will talk to a women just any kind of way if they they had a mother figure in their life. But what do you think? Should I apologize for bringing his mother in the situation? She is a huge part of how he is, and every other thing I did say I still stand for.
Here are a few example of how he talked to use through his employment.
1) What the F* you want?
2) If he ask you do so something for him and you're to busy to, he say "you f*ing bird (this is what he said to me)
3) He offered me a peace of cake, I said no and he actually got mad.
Anyway thinking about all of this, he don't even deserve my apology, but what do you think?
5 people like this
14 responses
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
10 Apr 11
keshia2007r,
Pardon me, but isn't this how the majority in your country actually talk?
I think you need to look around your office on how some people are talking to each other which makes him none disrespectful. Besides, such talk is even broadly encouraged in your medias, television series and even live shows.
Honestly, I have to disagree that obscenities in speech does not reflect one's upbringing or even the lack of a motherly or sisterly figure in the family during their childhood years. On the other hand, bringing such issue into your dispute, just show that you are both judgmental, immature and most of all, unfair.
So, no offense taken I think you need to be direct with him for his free-flow speech and apologize for bringing in his mother into your arguments with him. The issues are unrelated period.
@neenie (343)
• United States
10 Apr 11
I live in the US and no, we don't generally talk to each other like this. You don't use the F word every other sentence, especially not to co-workers in an office setting.
And I think Keishia was bringing up the idea that he talks this way to WOMEN. He disrespects women and is rude to them. There are males that have mother-issues that take it out on women. Ted Bundy, anyone? The issues ARE related.
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
10 Apr 11
Excuse me skysuccess?? This opinion means absolutely nothing to me, if you think its ok to talk to anybody just any kind of way. So I can literally call you out of your name and you'll be ok with it? I am a black women, all hell will break loose before i let anybody call me out of my name and get away with it. I don't know where you are from, but i'm from the states, and we don't generally talk like this. And its really sad to here where ever you are from this is normal? And clarify how I call his mom in the picture is immature and unfair?? I asked him a question about her, how is that unfair? You are one confused person if you think its ok for him to curse his co-workers, but yet I should apologize lol not happening!
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
10 Apr 11
I've never heard of the Story about Ted Bundy, thank for your input neenie. I know these issues are related, skysuccess is just don't a different planet as far as i'm concerned is he/she thinks is ok to talk to people with F* you, and F* her. WTH????
@jahernandezrivas (11288)
• United States
10 Apr 11
No he sounds like a jerk!! But that is up to if you feel like apoloigizing to him you can but from what I read in your post I would not apologize to him at all!! How does he still work there? Does the managers and supervisors know about how he really is? People like that I ignore them until it starts really bothering me I will say something to them and it would not be good but when that has happened to me before I told them how I felt about them and their crappy attitude and had the whole room laughing!
1 person likes this
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
10 Apr 11
No the management doesn't particularly know. He doesn't even know he is disrespectful. I guess he is so immune to it that he doesn't even recognize his behavior. I did ignore him that day until he said something to me about having an attitude. Then I let him have it!
1 person likes this
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
14 Apr 11
I just feel that there is a time and place to speak like that, and you just don't need to talk to me that kind of way. I explaned to him, since he doesn't know how to talk to me, don't talk to me at all and thats just fine with me!
@dreamy1 (3811)
• United States
10 Apr 11
I hope you report his behavior to HR. I would not apologize he probably deserved it. I would avoid him as much as you can and if he gets more hostile report him. The way he talks to you and others is not professional and it shouldn't be tolerated. Document everything and if possible get witnesses. He sounds like he is an angry person for whatever reason and should be avoided.
1 person likes this
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
10 Apr 11
You are right. I realized I don't need to apologize. But I will keep my distance for now own. I've never thought to report him, but this could be an option I don't mind doing, but I honestly think he will watch himself especially when I'm around. I'll be watching too!
@SIMPLYD (90721)
• Philippines
11 Apr 11
Well, you had your talk with him about his being disrespectful and was not taken with a grain of salt, but was instead mad about it. I think that was enough, you have spoken your piece and it's for him to mull now whether to change his being that.
For the mommy issue comment, just let it be. It was already a heated argument so that's why you were able to utter that.
1 person likes this
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
11 Apr 11
thank you, I did decided to put the mommy issue aside, what was said is now said and don't can't take it back. Next thing to do is just to move on from there.
1 person likes this
@neenie (343)
• United States
10 Apr 11
If you are able to, it would be nice for you to actually sit down and have a conversation. To tell him how you really feel and how disrespecful he is being. Some people just don't understand how they are acting. Then you can tell him you are sorry for bringing up his mother and that you were just heated. Some people you just can't reach though and that may just make matters worse..
Is there anyone in management you can talk to about him? You don't deserve to be treated like that when you go to work every day.
1 person likes this
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
10 Apr 11
What happened last night, wasn't suppose to happen. It just happened so fast, but I am glad I got everything I had to say off my chest. I should have taken the approach differently, but he is not the kind of person you can just sit down and talk to about something as serious as this. There is management I can talk to, but i never thought to take it that far.
@neenie (343)
• United States
10 Apr 11
Yeah, after I posted that, I realized you probably wouldn't be able to have a nice chat with him.
If it continues or gets worse, I would take it to management. If you can brush it off your shoulders and not worry about it, thats one thing. If it really upsets you, thats a totally different thing.
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
10 Apr 11
neenie,
Since you have commented on my response, I just want to ask that you read my response again where I did ask keshia to look around if her office mates are actually behaving this way.
Frankly, you may be spot on if her office is anywhere near yours which has a particular rule about such behavior and speech. The fact that this is happening at keshia's office for sometime just speaks a lot about the management. For goodness sake, it has been happening for almost half a year already and if it does not indicate anything then I wonder who is in obvious oblivion.
Also, the bring in the mother is just pathetically ignorant and bias when it could be with women he came across in his life like a runaway bride, girlfriend or wife. So where's the objectivity here?
Lastly, I am not actually condoning to keisha's condescending colleague but she's not the only person in the office. If the rest of the office is not doing anything about it especially the management then where is the rest of the offended parties?
Liken to a bashed up individual on a crowded public bus, if no one is standing up or stepping in - I suppose everyone is responsible for condoning such behavior.
1 person likes this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
11 Apr 11
I think you should completely ignore this person and forget about the entire incident. I’ve seen that its just not worth apologizing to such indecent people coz they don’t really value the thought behind the apology but actually think that the person who’s apologizing is weak /guilty and that increases the macho factor / indecency further…it kind of goes on to bullish proportions. You’ve said what you’ve said and your logic is not entirely wrong...however, we all like to keep our family personal but we forget that our family is but an extension of our very own self. So if we ourselves let down our family by being indecent and rude to others, we’ve only ourselves to blame for what we hear.
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
11 Apr 11
Thank you! I also agree, I came to realize that he is the kind of person who wouldn't value my apology anyway, it would literally go over his head, and he is not the kind of person who will change in one day. I'm actually not looking for that. I'm just the kind of person if you don't know how to talk to me, don't talk to me at all, and I told him that, so we just won't be talking, and I'm completely fine with that. You've made some very good points! Thank you!
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29086)
• United States
10 Apr 11
Hi. keisha2007r. If anything he owes you an apology. How dare he talks to a woman in this manner. He is a very rude and childish man!
It is obvious that something or someone in his life has made him to be the disrespectful man that he is. It could very well be his own mom. I don't really think that you were wrong into bringing up the fact that he has mommy's issues. I do think that you should speak with him about why he is so mean towards women in general. I know that I would have. He can't get mad because you did not want a piece of cake either. This should not be all that important to him anyways. There is something truly wrong with this guy and someone should try to find out what it is.
It is obvious that something or someone in his life has made him to be the disrespectful man that he is. It could very well be his own mom. I don't really think that you were wrong into bringing up the fact that he has mommy's issues. I do think that you should speak with him about why he is so mean towards women in general. I know that I would have. He can't get mad because you did not want a piece of cake either. This should not be all that important to him anyways. There is something truly wrong with this guy and someone should try to find out what it is.@dreamy1 (3811)
• United States
10 Apr 11
Maybe him offering the cake was a way of trying to apologize in a way. Obviously he grew up this way. Maybe he saw his father disrespect his mother and treat her like crap and that's where he got it from. Whatever it is people don't change over night and if he doesn't even realize it he may not even see his behavior as a problem.
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
10 Apr 11
He did confess it was abandonment issues, I figure it is the same as mommy issues. He does own the entire women staff an apology, but he is just not that kind of person. It is clear that someone in life life wasn't properly there for him, as they need to be. He needs help, he is to old to be acting such a way. There are ways of dealing with this, but I no longer have anything else to say to him.
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
10 Apr 11
I'm sorry I didn't make that clear. The cake offering happened before argument. I do believe he grew up in a way this is now harmful to his character. Either way he has a serious problem.
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
11 Apr 11
Thank you, and I did come to realize that I don't need to apologize. What was said, was said and its over and done. So the best thing is just to move on from there.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
11 Apr 11
Hmmm.. i would also be pissed off if i have an officemate like that. Maybe he is just used to speaking that way? i believe it would be better if both of you would sit down and open issues because you cannot just assume right? you do not know what he'd been through..andi t might be unfair assuming things.
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
11 Apr 11
Sometimes gut feels can be right, and he did admit he had abandonment issues so I was right some what. Trying to sit down and talk to him or trying to have a civilized convo with this guys will not happen. He's the kind of person who wouldn't listen to anything you have to say especially concerning this issue. What I will do is avoid him or report him.
1 person likes this
@blue65packer (11826)
• United States
11 Apr 11
People like your co-worker doesn't deserve an apopolgy! He doesn't even deserve the time of day! He needs help the way it sounds! If he can't understan he needs help,forget him! I also can't believe he gets away with that foul language,too! No one should talk like that no matter who he is or where he is! Work included! He really sounds like a jerk!
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
11 Apr 11
He is a jerk and I've mentioned this to him before your little pow wow last night. We do have rules about profanity, not a lot of people abide by those rules, and he really does need serious help! And you're right, after i realized all that he has said and done he don't deserve an apology from me. My boyfriend told me not to say anything to him, because if I get to going with my mouth again he might have the courage to hit me, and my boyfriend would literally hurt this character! So I'm just not going to say anything to him, and i'm sure he now knows not to say anything else to me as well.
1 person likes this
@sweet_jette (168)
• Philippines
11 Apr 11
Frankly, just the mere fact that you are thinking of apologizing to him already shows that you are nice.
If you can, it would be great if you can apologize. But frankly, I dont think you have to.
But then again, I'm sorry but I think you also got a bit overboard by mentioning his mother. I understand your point, I believe that mature and polite people have been raised well, but still, our environment and community sometimes teach us other things.
You already know that he's got an attitude, its best to avoid creating bigger issues.
When my friends ask me the same thing, my not-so-nice way of putting my answer would be, "You dont have to stoop down to his level."
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
11 Apr 11
I came to realize that even if I did apologize he wouldn't take it seriously. So I decided what was said is said, over and done. I will just keep my distance and we don't need to communicate, and i'm fine with that.
1 person likes this
@chinchoy (191)
• Hong Kong
10 Apr 11
This guy's behavior is totally unacceptable. It must be so disturbing for all the workers within the office to hear someone go F this and F that all the time. I don't think you need to make any apology although I do think that it is not really appropriate to bring his mother into the situation. Perhaps you can improve your anger management reflecting on this incident too.
Also, I believe your supervisor or some management personnels should be informed about this problem. No one should be allowed to abuse their co-workers like that.
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
10 Apr 11
Ok, I don't have an anger management problem. What I did was say what everybody else was to afraid to say. I did feel like speaking of this mother was a low blow, but at least it was a reality check. I now realize that I don't need to apologize, but just not to speaking of his problems with his mother again.
@meyrek (141)
• Estonia
10 Apr 11
I think you should not apologize to him because he bad to others and you just tryed to make it clear to him. All you did was helping and that is good what you said about his mom, Because sometimes such kind of persons need to be said like this and then mabey their brain comes back home. :D
1 person likes this
@keshia2007r (2880)
• United States
10 Apr 11
I did try to make it clear to him, and I said every thing that everybody else was to afraid to say. This should have been a reality check for him, and the thing is I actually thought he liked me, as is in his attractive to me, but he probably doesn't feel that way anymore lol.
