Drifting away

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I go day by day thinking about the life I live in terms of the present and past and ponder about where it will lead to in the future. I think of all the things that I've accomplished and failed at over the past years and the opportunities that lay ahead in front of me. When weighing in my own opinion I see more failures than accomplishments even though others would disagree. For a person that puts up a front that I have my life together, in the back of my mind I don't see it that way. I'm drifting away in my own mind, just lost with no real sense of direction as to where I want to head in my life. I remember days when life had no direction and nothing really mattered besides the present. Perhaps its getting older that now I look back on the past more frequently and see the faults of yesterday and believe that they will continue tommorrow. Instead of starring at the closed doors behind me maybe I should search for the open doors that I suppose lay in front of me. Why is it when pain is experienced that all that comes to mind is the pain of the past? A movie highlight that continually flash back to similar moments of equal pain. It is at that moment in life I feel my life is in replay. Continuing to play the same movie. I can't tell you how many times I've refilled my cup and continued to watch the movie again. Hoping that the ending be different. When the final credits roll I sit and stare and realize what I have so many times before. In my life there is no happy ending.