What should she do?

If I'm not mistaking here, the courts will assign the older child a lawyer of her own as well as a psychologist to see what she has to say and what her mental state is. Now the mother may have to go through Legal Aid for help however, regardless if she goes for Legal Aid or gets her own lawyer, she needs to tell them everything that's been going on in order to get the right legal advice. If she leaves that child behind, she could suffer some serious repercussions such as her daughter may turn totally against her for leaving her behind with an abusive father. She should always tell both children that that their dad and they're to love and respect him. That's it. Nothing more and nothing less. Don't talk badly about him within ear shot of the kids because it only makes them more angry and more confused. She needs to see her lawyer first and foremost before moving out to find out what her options are then move out. Seek the lawyer first!! Find out what her rights are before doing anything.

I tend to think that your friend should get away from her husband. In Australia a judge will rarely take custody away from the mother unless she is proven to be unfit and I wonder if it is like that where you live. I would get out, hire a lawyer if she can afford one and fight like crazy for my children. As a good fit mother I don’t see why she should lose custody, she may have to put with shared but I don’t see why he would be awarded the older child instead of her. I will keep your friends in my prayers and wish her all the best.

I am no expert in this area but one suggestion I can offer is to seek help of a counseller. They are trained to handle the conflicting emotions of a derangled. Perhaps things will change for the better.

Hello SV, Your friend wants a divorce but she can’t think about leaving the kids and that is the issue here, am I right? She is a mother and naturally her first priority goes for kids. To be very honest, I am thinking about the kids, if the divorce takes place what will be the fate of those innocent kids, they will lose one parent, either mother or father. How they tolerate this lose in this young age. Is there any possibility for compromising? Why can’t they think about some counseling for the sake of kids? I read that she is jobless at present, and looking after two kids, their education etc are very costly. How long her family can support for her. Since the second child is too young she needs somebody’s help if she finds a job. The Court will consider the financial position of the mother too when taking decision about kids on divorce. In conclusion there are so many issues will follow on. In my opinion, they can think about how to solve the issues in between instead of divorce. If there is any possibility, they should utilize the same for their kids. I sincerely hope the things will turn in favour of kids. I reiterate, I am thinking about the kids only.

He can have the custody of both children...no issues, as long as he doesnt remarry..no man would want to be without a wife for long...so there you are..cant she impose a condition like that? Divorced women in general do not remarry, until the kids are grown up, and well settled in life, why should it be any different for a man who wants to keep the custody of the child..

"this husband has been benefitting from my friend's family (financially and emotionally)." What emotional support does this husband get from your friend's family? I think your friend could use this 'whip' to sort out matters to some extent atleast. How can the family give him emotional support when their daughter is in agony on account of him?

First of all, does she have a job? THen if she is sure that she can take care of both the kids and their emotional and educational needs , she must go ahead with the divorce. But, what happens if the court decides in his favour? She must mentally be prepared to let go of the first child at least because considering it fair play the judge may decide like that with two children around .

With the help of her family , she should break with him. She Should Still go for custody of both. If she stays , she will do more harm, Her kids will get the wrong idea that wives Are suppose to be this miserable. And that husbands are suppose to belittle their wives. Here in the States most of the time the kids go with the mom.It is the dad who has a uphill battle to get the kids. Is it the same where you are?

Hi SV! It is a complex situation. Frankly speaking, I am not able to find any headway into this issue, after scratching my brain. It is a difficult situation or say a dilemma – ‘to be’ or ‘not to be’. I find if she chooses either of the paths, she will feel uncomfortable. Separation from her kids would be difficult and she will find hard to tolerate it. Taking along her children and managing the affairs alone (in case she gets divorce) will also be an uphill task, as she is not a working woman. She needs to ponder on each and every scenario, which she could think of or which could emerge and then will have to see herself which scenario could be like lesser evil. If her husband has not been behaving decently and cordially for years together then it is also difficult to get along. It is like choosing between devil and the deep see. I am at sea to hear this situation and my mind goes blank and unable to suggest any appropriate suggestion.

I cannot say what is best for your friend, especially in a culture different from my own, but I do have the experience of having had parents who were vicious toward one another and argued constantly and then also the experience of having been a child going through the custody battles in court and then having to live with one parent who denied me and the other parent of getting to see one another. The custodial parent was always belittling and trying to alienate my affections from the absent parent. I think in retrospect that it was worse for me after my parents split up, but for my parents it was better for one and far worse for the other. Of course, I thought they should have stayed together for my sake, but that might not have been a reasonable expectation under the circumstances. I guess when the children have grown up they will understand...but maybe not. It is a hard thing.

Dear friend, One of my friend is facing his family case in the court, after he got married they lived for about 2 years the wife left him during her 7 month of pregnancy period. After several compressions from her husband and his family member wife is not returning back. In between his wife's father brother a police man words are given importance. Also the the child which was born was not allowed for the father to even to touch of see. In the court the lady bring other people of her family who have the freedom to take the child in their hand and the father who even got a single day custody from court order is not even allowed to touch the child. I feel the child needs the affection from both sides which is most essential for the mental development. There are women who live with their husband even worse conditions than this and also there are husbands who live with their wife who is intolerable. But if they love child life it would be better to give the child the affection of both. I do not know why the child is being used as a weapon in the quarrels between wife and husband. Moreover not hurt any, personally I feel now tolerating and patience has become much lesser than before especially in the family matter. Divorce has become a common issue, as long as there is no talented mediator. Those who are with the wife keeps telling and projects the better side of wife and those on the husbands side also do the same. But the child, may be their quarrel is also diverted to that innocent one too. If the mother love the child she will make sure that child get its fathers affection and if the father love his child he too will do that mother give right affection to his child. If both do not love the child is just turns to be an instrument in their quarrel. Wished their quarrel is compromised peacefully.

thats a really hard one. Why would she loose the kids? my youngest daughter had to get away and had no family there to help her. he had lots of family. so, she ended up leaving and loosing the kids because of no money to fight in court. My youngest son stays in a relationship because they are not married and he dont want to loose his kids, so he lets her abuse him and run the house. everthing her way. now, i dont know what to advise. seems these are her only options.

Forgo the custody of the older child. Too many times, we think the best thing is for us to be involved. Sometimes that isn't the case. How many people can a sinking ship save? Answer of course is none. Right now this lady is tied to the titanic, and it's going done, and she's going with it. She can't save anyone, when she's about to drown herself. She needs to leave. And immediately. I would pack up her stuff, and be out of the house by the end of the week. Now what to do about the older child. How old is he? How manipulated is he? If we're talking about a teenage, then you need to ask him who he wishes to be with, and let it be. If he wishes to be with the father, then let him. Eventually he'll determine for himself who is manipulating or not. Like I said before, sometimes it's best to not be involved. If a life guard tries to save someone who doesn't wish to be saved, they'll both sink in the waves and drown. When this lady gets her life back together, gets the leaks in the boat fixed, and the water bailed out, then with a stable ship to stand on, she can throw a life vest to someone sinking in the wave. Once her life is together, she can be there when the son figures out father is nutz. Alternatively, if she fights and fights with the father, while he is manipulating the son, nothing good will come of it. If she wins, the child will blame, and resent mother for stealing him away from his father the rest of his life. If she loses, then dear old daddy saved me from evil mother, and she'll have inadvertently made screwball dad into a hero. I would leave the child with the father, unless he's 5 or 6 years old. Somewhere around there, where mom can undo the damage. Much older than that, you pretty much have to let it play out. Sometimes by removing yourself, you actually make things better. By letting the son do what he wants, and loving on him every chance you get, at some point the son looks around and says "you know, mother isn't as bad as daddy seems to think". But you can never talk bad about father in front of the child... EVER.

Hello SViswan this is really beyond my scope but i got the discussion in my mail so i thought will drop by :) But i do understand it must be the toughest decision of your friend's life and you said the child is 10 years is old so i am sure she is at the age where she can understand what is going on so all i can do is pray that everything works out in the child's favor. The adults can work things out on their own specially the husband.

Take kids abd go to a safe house might work. BUt sh does ned to do something and sounds like she needs to fast

I think it depends on the age of the child. If the older child is above a certain age, 11 in some states, 13 or 14 in others, that child can decide. And if the child changes their mind, the court has to change custody. I would tell her to let that older child decide and know that she may very well get custody when the child discovers what "dad" is really like!

How big is their house? I was going to say if he's going to be an a$$ about it maybe she could move all her things in the basement or attic or spare room if they have one and live there. Heck move into the laundry room if she has to. She can divorce herself of the situation somewhat other than going it legally. Just pretend he is a roommate. She doesn't need to talk to him unless it's about the kids. She doesn't need to cook for him or clean up after him. She just needs to do for herself and her kids and let him fend for himself. That way she can somewhat keep the household in tact without having to deal with a long and ugly custody battle. Just divorce herself from him in all areas. They will still be living in the same house but she doesn't not have to put up with his drama. She doesn't have to stay in the relationship to stay in the same house. It's worth a try. And if they have joint accounts and joint credit cards she needs to get her name taken off of those accounts asap.

Hi SViswan, This is such a difficult situation for your friend to be in but these days the courts tend to keep the children together and do favour the mother rather than the father, I think it is a risk she must take, bearing in mind the mental cruelty she has endured the courts will see that he is a manipulative person and bear that in mind also. He may not divorce her but she can up and leave with the kids as another option and then he will have to take proceedings, and he also won't have her family to support him financially either. He will lose. I wish your friend good luck and hope she makes the decision to leave before he causes anymore emotional damage to her and the children because they get affected by their mothers state of mind too eh! Huggles. Ellie :D

Hi SViswan The best as I see for the entire family is that she first opts and files the divorce. And the Kids custody too. Today's laws in India are pro-women and if she can manage a better lawyer, I am quite sure that she gets out of this relationship, and also gets the custody. Recently the trend has been better with such divorce cases unlike the past where it was a really long and unhealthy battle and the kids were the worst affected. Anyways, another point that Kalaji mentioned above was the "rivalry in her family due to property etc." Quite true that is happening. But I am sure someone who has undergone all so much of pain (the divorce, mental torture etc) she will not care much about this and look forward to find some job or start a business. That would be her real worth and real assets after the divorce... no need to ask anyone for support. The only thing important right now is to find a better lawyer who can put up the case and is aware of the recent rulings from Supreme Court - Kind of well versed in this profession.