'I don't need your permission'

With me, it is up to my wife when she goes to visit with her mother. I have no objections or indeed have any right to make any demands of her. It is the same with me, that she doesn't interfere with me either. We don't ask each other's permission to do anything. When we were first together, it wasn't alway comfortable, but we had and still have, an agreement of trust between us. My wife's mother lives closer by now, but a year ago, she lived over 200 miles away and my wife often spent weekends with her mother. I could have gone, but I chose not to go, as I am not one to sit and listen to female chatting for long periods of time over an hour! This characteristic is accepted in me and I don't ask permission to avoid family get-togethers, and my wife doesn't ask or need my permission to do her own thing. Women are usually interested in different things to men and vice-versa.. I believe it's what attracts men and women, and women to men.. _Derek

"I am not asking you but just informing you" is an oft repeated line specially among teenagers when dealing with their parents. Among spouses specially here in India it is a foregone conclusion that the wife always seeks the husband's approval even if she wants to go to the toilet and the husband thinks nothing of it! But there are some liberated couples who consult each other before taking any decisions. There is however no love lost when it comes to the wife's family and this appears to be a bone of contention where the wife needs to use her wit and win over her husband. No. A wife needs no permission. But they should consult with each other.

THis may vary from case to case SV. However, it is necessary to ask permission because the husband would be forced to look after the house as well as his job and since he is not used to this, problems may arise.

when it comes to marriage I am very, very old fashioned. In marriage I would assume the wife would have to ask to do Anything! But to many marriage is a partnership. In that case , then she doesn't have to get his permission. She tells not asks him about it!

Dear friend, I just reminded a situation how one of my friend faced. He is living with his parents along with his wife. There his parents are old and his mother is suffering from high diabetics and pressure. His brothers are abroad, hence he is only one who is caring them and they also have a 5 years old child. But he is uncomfortable because his wife wants to live separately away leaving his parents along with a home nurse. Moreover at his wife's his brothers are living with their old age parents. Most often his wife's relatives come to their home. They all are very nice him. But my friend gets uncomfortable when his wife is not cooperative in looking after his old parents. Even if he ask her to give medicines to his mother, his wife hesitates and goes to toilet or bath room remains their, long time even more than an hour. Finally my friend has to give the medicine to his mother. Due to financial constrains he is not able keep a servant and also he is afraid if that would give another problems. One day his wife went to her home taking along with her his 5 years old son also. Now she is staying with her parents and demands his to leave his parents and live separately. Even he had told the whole thing to his wife's parents they also requested their daughter to stay with her husband, unfortunately it was vain. Two months back she got a job in her uncle's organization and living separately along with her son and a servant. Now she is compelling her husband to stay with her in that house. Here I feel both of them must see each others parents as their own rather separating and dividing it into themselves. Finally that could even go dividing their child and finally dividing themselves. Moreover not to hurt anyone, there are natural laws that the creator had made, if we obey it would be well and good. A child obeys his parents and teachers but now it is far away, as women are physically weak than men but at times women even beat men, men should care their wife but at times men do not do that so on goes that natural laws and social laws. People who tend to move against it finally have to pay a heavy amount even their life. I feel even the nature that is now has been distrusted as people goes against it and harms the nature that is same is happening in human families too we are going against the natural way and obliviously problems will arise.

Hi. SViswan. I don't think that a wife should have to ask her husband permission to see her own mother. She is a grown woman and not a child. I bet if he wanted to go and see his mother, he would not let her stand in his way, huh? I do think that the two of them should discuss their feelings about how they feel about seeing their parents though. If his wife's mother is trying to break them up or speak negatively about her husband when she goes over to her house, then that would be different then. Her husband will probably not want her to go to her mother's house then. He should not control her because she is her own woman. Sometimes, I will admit that I have felt like telling my husband that he can't go to see his parents, but I know that is out of the question. I have some personal feelings about my husband's mom, especially. In the past, she has treated me very cruelly for five years while I was staying in her home. Then after those years, she still attempted to insult me, tease my kids and do anything that her evil minds tells her to do to me. So from that, I really did not want my husband to see her, at least. I knew that I could not stop him and I did not want to be selfish. I just felt like she did not deserve to see her son when she could never seem to treat me with respect. That is just how I felt in my case. But honestly, a woman or a man has a right to see his parents, I will do my best not to get in the way of that. I have been married for almost ten years now, and I have learned that I have to compromise and deal with issues the best way that I can. I can't be selfish because they is unfair to myself and to my husband. So, no, I don't stand in the way of him seeing his mom and he should not do the same thing to me either. It would be his choice, only, if he felt like he did not want to see his mom or father.

Here a spouse does not need permission to do anything, unless it involves the other spouse's property, as in "Honey, may I borrow your car?" But I think there are many places in the world still where the women are expected to defer to their husbands in ways that do not make any sense at all in my culture. Probably your neighbor man is less concerned with the wife's mother than he is with who is going to wait on him hand and foot while the wife is away. He probably does not want to have to make his own dinner, lol.

I don't think that one should ever have to ask for permission in an adult relationship. The problem is that all too often one will try to control the other and that never works. If both people were respectful, considerate and loving people then arguments like the one you witnessed just would not happen.

No I do not believe any of us need permission to do what they want or feel they need to do. For this guy to tell his wife she can't go because he doesn't like her mother is plain wrong. It's selfish and wrong. She has to do what her heart tells her to do and if that means going away for a few weeks then so be it. In the end when her mother is no more, she won't have any guilty feelings because she did what she thought was right. He doesn't have to live with a conscience about her mother, she does.

True marriage is a partnership and as such a little compromise is needed. I have been to see my father twice this week and the Boss has been out with her friends the same number of times also. We asked if the other minded and of course we didn't. Your neighbour's husband is being very selfish. She has only one mother and if she is needed then of course she should go. I must say that the relationship does not sound a happy one anyway. I'd have thought that he'd be pleased to be rid of her for a few days!

As long as helping out a family member is not causing problems with their own family, I don't see why they would need permission from the spouse.

i dont think they should have to get permission but its a courtesy to tell them you need to go. also, though the spouse staying home needs to take into consideration of the caring and need for the other to go. especially if its their parent needs help/.

To hear people argue, no matter the circumstances, there is just something about that which makes me rather uncomfortable. Especially about matters like the one that you described. Obviously, you should be honest with each other, but asking permission does seem a little too strong. It is like the marriage is not the equal partnership that it is really meant to have been. Or so I have been told. Of course, one must wonder if the other party would have felt they needed to ask for permission if the situation was flip flopped. I really do think that it would have not been the case. It is both cases where the argument makes it such as both people are very in the wrong. I don't think that permission should be asked, but at the same time, there should be some degree of honesty in between the two parties. Which can in fact be the problem.

I have had problems with my in-laws, including brother and sister in-law from the start, They all relied on my husband for to much, mainly money. They wanted something they called him and asked him to pay for it saying they wld pay him back, but never did. When we got together I watched this and voiced my concerns, but we wernt married and I felt I cldnt really say to much. I saw how unappriciative they were. One year he paid for his parents, siblings, aunt and cousin to go to Disneyland for a day with us. He also paid for their rental car. We got up early and drove the 7 hours. We got there when the park opened. We were only there 5 hours because everyone was tired and wanted to go home. His brother had school the next day. Etc. I was pissed. They didnt offer to pay for anything for us. His brother even wanted us to pay for his food. After we got married and had our first I told my husband no more. He was not their personal bank he had his own family to care for. I feel the spouses should talk about whats going on. Im fine helping family, but if their being stupid with their finances and appriciative or even give back, than why shld we make them a priority? I have a better relationship with his parents now, we have our ups and downs. His brother our relationship has improved too. His sister I pretend she dosent exist. My husband and I agree we prefer her to not be around our kids and we will never help her again. He has done a cpl things behind my back and it did nothing but start an argument because I felt he lied to me and i cldnt trust him. So spouses need to dicuss and agree so feelings arent hurt and so you can keep that trust with your partner. I discuss everything with my husband and expect him to respect me the same way.

Hi SV, I am not sure whether you aware about the typical system in our state. I clearly remember my mother seek permission from my grandfather to go to her home, I think it is a matter of respect and in Kerala, when elder people is there they have to take permission, of course. At the same time I can't remember any situation he denied the permission and I am not sure whether she took permission from my father (lol) as I haven't heard the same even in once. After shifting to our own home I heard only she asks money from my father to go to her home (lol). But I know she was a good daughter in law than a good wife. She cared much on her in-laws than my father cared his parents. Now the generation is changed much, in my case, on our visit, we are making some plans to visit every one including my home and relatives. Before moving from here, I used to threaten him ‘I will stay my home for one week’ (lol) and I know it never happens as time is very short and we have to visit everywhere. I don't felt that I need permission from him. Even my kids are free to move anywhere once we reach the native place. Here I want to go anywhere I am going with him only. The only thing I want to inform him. I support this lady here, her parents equally deserve care and concern and it is his hubby's responsibility to provide the same. Unfortunately he dislikes his MIL, that may be his personal issue. He can't deny the right to his wife on any reason.

Personally I don’t consider it asking for permission but discussing the matter with the other person in order to find out how he or she feels about what the other wants to do. I do think thatt in this case the husband has no right to tell his wife not to go because he doesn’t like his mother in law! There is a difference between consideration for the other person. My husband and I are partners and no one is in charge, we talk about things and try our hardest to come to mutual agreement whenever possible...Most of the time anyway! LOL!

That is a deep question. It differs, as you pointed out, as per context. If children are having exams, or if the spouse is sick and cannot manage without his wife, then it is not advisable. I do think the wife needs to review her situation and I am only talking from Indian perspective. Out here, if the woman is not married, or divorced, she loses respect of the society, notwithstanding the kind of spouse she has had. So, it is upto her to weigh whether she wants to remain in matrimony, and put up with this kind of cruelty or get out of it and suffer the other form. Chances of husband straying also increase considerably in such cases. If her mother is sick, her need to visit her is understandable. If I were her mother, I would try to keep my daughter's marriage intact, rather than express my loneliness and helplessness, ever so often.

What was the lady thinking. Such a waste of energy. There is no need for all that argument and drama! If she knows her husband, she just needs to inform him that there is a choice. Either she gets to go to her mother's or her mother will be invited to come with all expenses paid. I know men, particularly married men! I am one! The fellow will be on his knees begging her to go! Take it from me, there will be need to take permission and will not be necessary life long.

Hi SViswan To answer that straight - In some families the spouse (mostly the woman) needs the permission. Thanks to the orthodox "men" in the family... but women too may be involved in case it is a joint family. For us (me and my wife) she doesnt need any permission. No, not because she is the bread-earner, but because she knows that I have trust and faith on her and she can go anywhere without anything called - permissions. But, yes she does inform me about the plans and we do negotiate at times on the dates... but that is not about permissions... it is about adjustments that I can make or she can make.

Some men are just controlling to the EXTREME! They might fear having Their spouse go and talk about how crazy controlling the guy is or about Other problems they might be having. I personally don't think either wife Or husband need permission. It should be more like " I'm going here, Ill Be back at this time" if you have a problem, tough! At least I told you where I'll be.