It was almost a dare.....

well at least you arent an easy touch to fall for everything he says. i know i was like that for my first 4 marriages and life could have been much better for me and kids if id stopped thinking they would change sooner. if you go on to another relationship, just make sure the man is completely different. my problem was always picking the same type. until my last wonderful hubby who was perfect.

Making you feel weak..1st stradegy....alone #2 and then wanted...#3...he is really trying to work it. Hang in there...you know you are a strong woman.

Dawnald, you will handle things just fine. He just is so negative. How come he cannot pay his share of caring for the kids? He is sunk. You are very capable and you will do fine.

Me thinks 'tis he who wouldn't be able to handle things on his own...

Sounds like a dare to me, Dawny. What will you do about it then?

Sounds like a dare..yes. I think that if you asked for money for the kids and he couldn't pay it, if he has been paying, why couldn't he all of a sudden help out? Because he doesn't want to..that is he would be too stubborn? Or is he not helping much already, therefore you would not be missing much anyway! (Did that make sense?) Women have got along on their own quite well for years. It sounds to me that you are a strong and capable woman. Maybe you should take up his dare, I'm sure that you would succeed. Everybody has some hiccups, but on the whole we survive. He should have said "I love you" first.

Just when I thought he had changed.... He Still doesn't get it. I'm sorry. But this is a blessing. Why? If he were Smarter, he would kept his "I've Changed!" act up longer and then have gotten you to stay and then reverted. But he isn't smart enough for that! So, sadly I must add, He hasn't changed.Ok. R is R and he won't change.So now you know. Do what you have to do to make Yourself happy. Write me if you ever need to vent.

Well, 'we' must remember there is a reason why you are divorcing the man. He obviously did not fit your needs or you would still be working on a marriage with him. It does seem like a dare. And if you have to work three jobs I am relatively sure you will. If he can't give you any money why is he there and what is he paying for there? If he can't give you ANY money kick him to the curb. Oh, and by the way I love you. Bull sh*t! Big daddy! You love yourself and youre a selfish, self righteous, dog doo doo. I could go on but.........!

Actually these remarks show what a controlling person he is and also in one way it is a little threatening. What does he mean that he won'to pay for the children? He would if he loved them. I am sure that he does care for them but to threaten you with stating that he won't pay for therm? This is so wrong. So the children must suffer because he won't pay for their keep to get back at you? What kind of immature thinking this is. Now I am cross

Men suck at communication, in particular the emotional sort. For all I know, what he said is in that context. He is also stepping out of his "Comfort zone" just as you are. Men after all, have their anxieties and insecurities, and that is a fact. You have to give it to that man. Given what both of you feel, it would not be a bad idea to work out something acceptable for both of you. The children will have something to cheer about.

I actually have nothing to contribute to this discussion. But it is fascinating to read about your updates dawn! It's like a soap opera that I read online. Anyway, it does sound like a dare. And what's up with that last thing?

If someone told me I couldn't handle things on my own, I'd have shown him the door, before he got to the "I love you". I'd see it as a dare, an insult, a "why not just piss me off more...". Hope all is well. I've been so busy, I haven't had any time for MyLot. But hope things are moving forward for you.

He isn't going to have any choice to help you with the kids financially once the divorce goes to court and he is court ordered to pay child support. Don't make him think that you can't do it on your own. I didn't think I could and I am doing it on my own fine. I actually prefer it. I don't have someone telling me what to do although I have an old neighbor who tries. I come and go as I please. If I can do it you certainly can too.

You know a very long marriage ends up like a companionship only but the responsibility is there to deal with as couple. We become sensitive because we feel boredom already. We become objective because we are expecting something in return, there maybe no accomplishment felt as to what was dreamed before marriage. What you need is time for yourself but you can not do because you are tied to your responsibility. Just be patient and do not bother yourself, let the situation flows by itself.

It sounds like something my husband would say, he just does not think. I think it is his way of telling you, that he does not want to leave you. He should have thought about how it sounded before spouting off. Most men, do not think before saying things.

oh yes dare. just working ya thats it. no one ever told me I couldnt handle it oh that would make me so angry he would be out in to shakes of a lambs tail. ANd he cant pay if he dont have a job but then there is the court to make him pay weekly or monthly adn if he dont then there is always jail!

Hey there Dawn, I'm not sure if it was a dare or not but maybe more like manipulation. He sounds as if he is playing on the fears that he knows you probably must have. My ex said the same kind of things as I was preparing to leave. What it did for me was to make me all the more determined to make it without his dam help....and I did. He still does not help out. Don't let him get to you. You are a strong woman and you can do this. Oh and whatever you do...don't let him know that you are afraid even if you are.

This is totally insulting lol . Keep in mind, I'm not laughing at you, I'm just thinking that this situation sounds an awful lot like some of the situations occurring with friends of mine right now. As we speak. Locally even! When it comes time for the 'end' of a relationship, especially after a long one of many years, there is always going to be a what-if moment, if not multiples. The thing is - if you have ever lived on your own with your own place, responsible for your own things, your own bills, then you will be able to do it any time in the future whether you really want to or not - because you have done it before. If you have taken care regularly of children, pets, or other people, you will ALWAYS be able to do that whether you really want to or not. Humans are extremely versatile, we can learn to be extremely accomodating and figure out how to deal with circumstances in the moment you might have scoffed at just considering months or years prior. All this said - you will DEFINITELY be able to handle everything on your own. I know this. Also, when you ask him for money for the kids, let him know that if he 'refuses' or claims he 'can't' that you will seek a legal agreement that will then bind him to paying certain amount regularly for the kids with damages to be collected IF he does not comply. This may certainly make him reconsider this idea that he just 'won't be able to give you money'. Make sure he knows you are serious and intend to follow through if he doesn't just pay you regularly in agreed upon categories to help with the kids. Kids are not free, and things they need do cost money. I'm not even GETTING into the wants yet. Secondly - who cares if he says he loves you? That more than anything is designed PURPOSELY to throw you off, to make you feel guilty, to try and get a hold for him to get you to reconsider or think about what you're doing. Control mechanism for the losing party, I always say. BUT.... over half the time... it works because people fall for it! Do not fall for it. Nothing irks me more than people who are afraid to take the bull by the horns and do what they know is best for THEM, regardless of who else is in their life and what other people say. I'm not even suggesting you necessarily listen to ME either, but you do need to do what YOU feel is best - and from the background I have gathered, it seems like that would be you being on your own. Don't be fearful or afraid of it, you will be FINE. Guilt is a massive mistake... people need to not ever allow guilt from others to control them!!! I rarely feel guilty about anything, no wonder I don't have tons of issues.

If he loved you as you need to be loved he would have said; I love you and can't live without you! Instead, he tried to tear you down and make you need him. That was all about him, not his love for you. (which he very well may love you, but it is a love that hinges on you needing him.)

Dawny - I do feel he cares a lot, he just doesnt know how to express either verbally or even with actions. Just be gentle as you always are. Its not everyday you get people who care for you, you know. You are lucky. It was a a dare no doubt..but it was with a hope that you would succumb to the fear. I am feeling sorry for him. :(