I Don't Understand

My ex husband used to beat me. He didnt do this before we were married. In fact he didnt start till after we had been married for awhile. I felt i didnt deserve to be treated like that and thats why he is my ex. I was in another abusive relationship after that. That bf kept asking me to marry him but i didnt because of that. He is now also a ex for that reason. The thing is most guys that are abusive are not that way at the onset of the relationship. In fact they gradually get worse and worse.

Life and people are very complex and there may be many reasons why people do these things. First of all there is a complex issue of submission and dominance that people mistake for being subservient or violent. Some men and women like strong partners who are confident dominant personality types. Unfortunately these people can mistake violent or angry people as dominant types. They can also be people with low self esteem who feel that they have earned their treatment. It is hard to generalise when every single human being is different. Question is, did this woman know the man was violent before she moved in with him. Some men pretend not to be like this until they have the woman in an environment where it is hard to walk out and then they can become victims of their fear. If the woman is someone with a personality that is naturally submissive and she also has low self esteem then she could well be caught in this type of relationship more than once. Some people mistake anger and violence for strength and if they are also meek or mild or timid then they can get trapped. I know what it is like to have low self esteem as I have been there in my past and I learned to overcome it. It is possible but it needs a lot of positive support to break out of the trap. You wonder how it happens. Well if you tell someone from an early age that they are useless, stupid etc and they tend to be a quiet submissive type of personality then you can create a person with low self esteem. It can happen at any time if the person does not have positive support to counter the negativity. I still slip up at times and when I do I get cross with myself for falling into negative thought patterns.

I know this is sad and I ask my self the same question I have seen this situation time and time again! [ I was a counselor for 2 years] and I finally left...because at the end I was so upset that people would keep a situation going on for years despite counseling, and help...at the end I just think there are some people that need that sort of drama in their lives...they live from one abusive relationship to the next...and also when they meet some one who actually respect them they tend to think this person is not for real.

Self esteem, you have it right there...the belief that they do not deserve any other type of treatment, the belief they have earned abuse. Some of this comes from early training, a strong father and a weak mother, brothers who control a sister in the mistaken attempt to 'protect' her...even some films and books promote such things although it is not obvious. Women aren't supposed to be strong, but we are, we are taught to not show our strengths, and in not showing we allow ourselves to be belittled in our own eyes. For some it is a slow process, going from confident person into a shell of the original, abuse isn't always visible nor loud. As for seeking companionship in bars etc, some people are simply that desperate in seeking companionship, they are impatient, they are looking for the 'good time Charlie' hoping that 'Charlie' will some how become a responsible adult. This is a deep psychological issue with no easy fixes. Understanding won't come for those of us who do not experience it, and it comes difficultly to those who do.

I am thinking because these guys have a way to make these women feel like they can't do any better by degrading them. I was in a relationship with a guy who was more mentally abusive than physical. These guys have a way of being charming one minute then a jerk the next. One and only time he hit me I was out of there. Maybe these women who put up with it have seen abuse growing up in the family and think it's a normal way of life. I am also thinking these abusers threaten to hurt or kill them or their families if they leave.

When a woman is in relationship with a guy who beats her regularly, she subconsciously programs her mind for the beating and the aftermath. Hence the next time she falls in love with the same kind of person. Also people who hang out in bars and spend money over girls there generally land up with the same girls as they have programmed their mind as well. It's something like this. I am in the Sales field. There is a time in sales where you keep getting sales every day, day in and day out. You don't know how. It happens. But when you hit a rough patch, try as much as you can, even a single sale is not possible. Life is similar to that.

I believe that almost everyone deserves to be happy and be treated with respect. When a teenager has his or her first girl friend or boyfriend a relationship will be a new experience for him or her. As time moves on that person might have a few relationships. Some people never find their true love. They find themselves in an abusive relationship but one that is difficult to get out of. When a man hits his girlfriend she thinks it is a one off but little does she know it can happen again. Especially those ladies that have children are stuck in a life of domestic violence. If a lady has many terrible relationships she will end up getting a low self esteem.

I personally don't understand it either. I was in an abusive relationship but got out of it as soon as I could...but you have to understand. When we dated he was wonderful..after we got married the real him stepped forward....but I also fought back. In one case he was going to beat our child with a belt...for wetting her pants when she was two...I was 7 months pregnant....but I still found the energy to knock him on his b*tt! I didn't stick around long...why others don't get out is totally beyond me!

It is sad, but these people have very low self esteem. And when you dont think highly of yourself then no one else can or will. And also maybe these people never really had anyone to show them the type of love before so they think that the first guy that says he loves her really does no matter how horrible he is to her. Its going to take her to realize her worth and realize that she deserves better before she finds a guy that really loves her and shows her how much she is worth. And the friend who just sent her boyfriend to jail, well thats whats she is used to. She is familiar with guys who treat her wrong and beat on her so those are the ones she attracts or looks for. I would say give her some time and hopefully she will come around before its too late. I have seen too many people near and far who go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship and in the end it doesnt end well for the woman if you know what I mean. I will pray that she gets te strength to stay away from those types of creeps.

Many times these sorts of relationships do not start out as abusive. In fact, many times the abuse is so subtle at first that it is not noticed at all ... merely a negative comment here and there. These negative comments (verbal abuse) become more frequent over time, but again it is a gradual progression, so often it is just accepted. At some point, this verbal (and generally emotional) abuse becomes physical. Once again, it usually starts off small and gets progressively worse. By the time it is a full-blown physical attack, the abused person is generally "programmed" to think that it is his or her fault, so they accept it.

Hi Lindaharding. It is the abuser they have a way of convincing the person that it will never happen again. And again it does happen and sooner or later the abuser has the person convinced that they aren't worth much. I know I have been married and divorced from a couple of abusers. The last one went as far as I was going to take it. I was with him for 12 years and many many prayers. I stayed with him because he would get really nice for awhile and then about every six months he would go off the wall and beat me up. I didn't hit back I kept thinking that I would hurt him because he had a broken neck and a broken hip. Now my first husband would beat on me and I would take the cast iron skillet out on him. But I stayed with him for 6 years we had children and I didn't want them to grow up without a dad. When my last ex hit me the last time I had just come home from work and the person I was working with was there and when my ex hit me he threw my ex down on the floor and told him that would be the last time he would be allowed to hit me. This was the day after my birthday then two days later I was locked out and the next morning the man that saved me asked me to divorce my ex and marry him. That was about 4 years ago and this husband that I have now wouldn't raise a hand to hit me. So God gave me a great man. I now know that was the reason I stayed with my ex because God had plans for me. My husband that I have now hadn't been taught the truth about Gods word so I believe that God put us together.

Sad but hard to understand as many have their preference as to who they date and or live with. Sometimes if the self esteem is low and tainted it is hard for them to see what is before them. One must always love themselves first before contemplating loving someone else and or the someone else loving them.

Maybe we have to look into their past to truly understand them. Sometimes family background, past childhood experiences, abuses, etc, made them turn to wrong people. It was difficult for me to understand why my sister chose to be with a married man, who steals her money and destroyed our relationship. He doesn't have a job and not a single penny in his pocket, that's why his wife left him but not divorced or even legally separated. I wanted to slap my sister's face for her to open her eyes to reality but i think i couldn't do that at all. She was brought up in a loving family, she was raised to be well-educated, she's a doctor that earns a lot of money and has a great reputation.

I think its maybe because some women are blinded by what they think is love for the guy. They tend to keep the relationship working eventhough they are already getting hurt and then low self-esteem follows. Also this women with low self-esteem thinks that no one will love them anymore if they loose the guy they're with.

Your some just aren't worth respecting because they have no respect for themselves. You see, you won't be respected if you don't even respect for yourself. As for your other question, I totally have no idea. Although, I visit a bar to meet women and have fun. I don't expect to meet someone for a serious relationship there; I'm fully aware it's a place to have fun.

I keep asking myself why some intelligent persons choose to love someone who spoils their life. I think about an acquaintance of mine who married a man who is not educated, mannerless and cannot succeed to get a good job and support the family. It is hard to stand if someone who has no rights treats the family of his spouse badly. There is hope that life will pay out in his own coin.