Saying "No" to My Mother-in-Law
By LilacFaye
@LilacFaye (204)
Philippines
June 1, 2011 1:47am CST
Ever experienced being asked for money when you know you have given them enough and you have reached the limit of your budget for you in-laws? Well that's my problem every time they come here. They always come up with something that needs money, like their house needs solar panel, the goats' house needs to be renovated or their jeep needs a specific part to start working again.
What we don't understand is, they have their own sources of income, we give them allowance every month, their electricity at the farm is free because of the solar panel we built there, the electricity at their house on the other town doesn't reach 300 pesos every month, water supply is free, food is very cheap since they grow their own crops like rice, veggies and fruits, they are near the ocean so fish and other seafood is also fresh but cheaply bought. Also, they have their own a public utility jeep. So what's gone wrong? There are only two of them, my mother-in-law and father-in-law.
Sometimes they even borrow money, they'll say they'll pay for it, but we'll never see the cash again. They use the goats as an excuse, because we own the goats. They'll say they'll pay us by buying new goats instead. But, if you compute it, when they buy new goats, the price seems higher than it should be, meaning, instead of 4 new goats, we only get 2 new goats.
This is really getting out of hand, and I'm having a baby. We can't just agree to whatever they want, can we?
2 people like this
9 responses
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
1 Jun 11
Hi LilaFaye,
Really? You actually give your in-laws an allowance??? Why? You don't owe them a thing. They sound as if they have way more than a lot of people and yet are asking for money from you? All I can say is that I wish I was your mother in law. My electric bill runs around 80.00 to 90.00 per month and my car is always needing repairs. Goats? Gardens? I couldn't even afford the land needed to raise that stuff. I'd be way cheaper to help out than your in laws but then again I'd never feel right taking help from you. Your husband needs to cut them off. It is not up to him to support his parents. Good lord, I have 4 girls and I struggle but I don't so much as ask them for a dime. In fact, they look to me for help when they are in a bind. Your inlaws should be helping you and not taking from you. Oh and by the way...Congratulations on the baby!!
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
3 Jun 11
I'm not so tough really. Still, I just always felt it was my job as a parent to raise my girls to be independent from me. All the other animals raise their young to be able to fend for themselves in the world we live in and they have much less time to do it in than we humans. We have 18 years to get it right. It's how I was raised. I hear stories like yours and it just makes my blood boil. You aren't talking about kids that are struggling to move on. You are talking about in-laws...parents themselves that are literally sponging off from you! That's just so wrong in my opinion. I don't know if my girls are proud of me but they do appreciate me and I am very proud of them. I'll tell you what...they are all younger and more self-sufficient than your inlaws and that includes my 17 year old.
@LilacFaye (204)
• Philippines
3 Jun 11
Wow you're a tough parent! Your kids must be so proud of you.
Thanks!
1 person likes this
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
1 Jun 11
Don't they have other children aside from your husband,whom they can asks some money too?
And,i also wonder when it's just the two of them,having all those crops and no bills to be paid-where are they needing more extra money when you are providing them monthly allowance.
Are they giving some money to their other kids?
Maybe it's time to make your in-laws understand that you also need to save more for your baby,as long as you are still giving them their monthly allowance i don't think you being mean.
You are still very fair and kind for giving their monthly allowance and all the farm's necessities that you and your husband provided to your in-laws.
@LilacFaye (204)
• Philippines
2 Jun 11
They have 4 kids. My husband is the eldest. 2 of his siblings work for him. While the other one has his own canteen. But not one of his siblings are giving them any money :( Just yesterday, my in-laws were here. They were discussing ways to enlarge their farm and they were SUGGESTING that we give them money to buy the lot which will be entitled to us. But I don't want to stay there in their province anyway. So why buy a lot there?
Then my husband mentioned that we will still be giving them monthly allowance. But he also said his siblings will have to give them too since we are going to have a family.
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
3 Jun 11
I don't understand at all why you are giving them a monthly allowance??? Do you live with them? If not then I just don't get it. I gave my daughters an allowance when they were kids but that ended as they got older and on their own. I never gave my parents an allowance.
@GardenGerty (160996)
• United States
2 Jun 11
Do they have a gambling problem? It is not right to take money from you when they have income of their own.
@LilacFaye (204)
• Philippines
3 Jun 11
No, I don't think they are into gambling or any vice at all. But sometimes I'm beginning to think that they keep lending money to other people and those people don't come back. At least that's a bit of their history that I heard from my husband's sister.
@yspmyl (3435)
• Malaysia
3 Jun 11
Hi!
I believe your mother and father in law are doing something else with your money like gambling? If they are asking for money too frequent, I believe that they are definitely using the money for something else from the reasons they gave.
I have an aunt who support me when I was in the University, she gave me a sum of money every months. Now she keep saying that I owe her money, and sometime she will ask me to give her a big sum of money at once, and when I have not enough money to give it to her, she will tell everyone that I do not want her and do not want to take care of her since she have supported me when I was in the University. And that really make me nut. I have calculated how much she gave me, so I just tell her that I will pay her back all the money she have given to me and after that I will not give her anymore money. But she just keep saying that I do not need to pay her back the money because the money she is willingly gave the money to me. Who will believe that?
@LilacFaye (204)
• Philippines
3 Jun 11
No, i don't think they are into gambling. If they are, we will find out about it easily.
That's one hell of an aunt you got there. I don't know why there are people who help others yet they expect something in return. If that's their plan in the first place, then they should have made a contract in the beginning! That way, everybody gets what they want.
@ggeeta (154)
• India
1 Jun 11
Why don't you tell them what you are going through every time giving them money. And is it that your spouse is the only child for them? Once a person is habituated to asking something, whoever it may be they keep on asking except for very few people who think about our welfare. Why don't you keep a budget about the money that you are giving them and later on this serves as a proof to tell them that you can no more afford.
@LilacFaye (204)
• Philippines
3 Jun 11
Yup that's what we are doing starting this month. My husband told them straightforwardly that we can only give them this specific amount and his siblings will give some too. The problem is, the siblings aren't willing to give them any.
@marimarj23 (124)
• Philippines
2 Jun 11
Hi there LilacFaye! I understand your situation. I have experienced same with your situation with my mother in law also. And financial issues and the problem of the in laws were one of the reasons why my marriage ended.
I can't understand why some in laws are like that. It seems they want more from their children even if they are already married and they have enough income to keep them alive. My parents are not like that, even if my father is sickly and his pension is enough for his medicines he never asked from us. It is only us who think for them and they happily receive the amount we can afford to give them.
In you case, I know sooner or later it will create some misunderstanding especially when you refuse to give. I think you and your husband should discuss with the issue and discuss it also with your in laws.
@LilacFaye (204)
• Philippines
3 Jun 11
Your marriage ended? oh my, I can't allow that to happen to us. Well, yesterday, my husband talked to his parents about financial assistance and they seem to agree that my husband will only give this specific amount and nothing more. I hope they will stick to that agreement.
@ebuscat (5935)
• Philippines
1 Jun 11
For me yes it is not good to do that be forgive so that it can do you more better in this world.
@SIMPLYD (90721)
• Philippines
1 Jun 11
I guess, with your preggy condition, it's high time to say no to your in-laws. Like you said, they have their own means and it's just the two of them. Maybe you and your hubby could do a little sleuthing.
Maybe a sister or brother-in-law's family is being sponsored by them. They thought that you are well off so that's why maybe , they keep on asking money from you.
Cut it, ask them why and prove them yourself . That way, they won't abuse your generosity, because you get to prepare for your delivery of the baby.
@mslianne (79)
• Philippines
1 Jun 11
Hi there!
Oh, wow. I can totally relate to your problem!
I know that they're family. I know we're supposed to help our family. But it's so hard to help your family when your family doesn't even find ways to help him or herself!
Asking for money and never paying is not a good sign. I've had a few relatives who have done that, too, and that really gets my upset. Also, asking money when you clearly know that they have other sources of income is so frustrating! Why ask money when you can pay for it yourself?
Anyway, I firmly believe you should say No. They can fend for themselves. They are highly capable of doing so. You guys are having a baby and that is something that you guys need to prepare for. Also, tolerating this behavior will only make them do it more.
