Almost ended life..

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I have to say last night was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. I've been depressed since I can remember but I've never gone to get help for it. That is until now. Last night I got severely depressed.I said goodbye to my friends on Facebook and left the house to kill myself. The first place I went was a nature trail by my house. And I just stood there knee deep in water crying. I knew something in my life was about to change and I didn't know what to do. I thought of my siblings. All six of them without a sister. Without nanny as I'm called by the young ones. I thought about my parents and my boyfriend. How horrible I would make their lives if I took my own. So I didn't do it. I couldn't. I didn't even cut. I just cried. Little did I know since I had my phone off was everyone in my life was calling me. Everyone was worried. After that I went up to a new place where they are building houses, had dinner and watched the sunset. It made me feel so alive. More then ever. Blasting my music, starting crying again lol. But that was were I stayed until like 10pm. Listening to music, screaming the lyrics, and thanking god I didn't kill myself. When I got home my boyfriend was beside himself. We talked, we cried, we kissed. I think last night I hit my true rock bottom. And I guess now there's only one way to go but up. I'm finding a physiologist to talk to. I need to get better.