Stay at in-laws
By SViswan
@SViswan (12051)
India
June 27, 2011 2:23am CST
In some cultures, the meeting with the in-laws happen before the wedding, when the couple stay over and get to know each other's families. In arranged marriages, this usually happens after the wedding takes place.
Most couples might have their set of little things that irritate each other or idiosyncrasies which they handle/solve themselves or they accept it as the partner's nature.
But what if the behaviour is something not acceptable or frowned upon by the family members? Would you warn/ prepare your spouse/partner about what is accepted behaviour at your parents' place? If your spouse/partner tries to prepare you, would you do what was accepted? It is only for a day or two at a time but some people believe it is against their principle to pretend to do something that they do not usually do. Some others feel they don't need to respect their partner's (or their family's) wishes or it is for the family to adjust/accommodate the behaviour of the new family member.
Your thoughts.
5 people like this
7 responses
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
27 Jun 11
It is good practice. If I'm being forced to marry, that's the Only way I will marry, then Everything in public will be a lie anyway . So why mot Start pretending now?
Now if I were to meet my love's parents I would hope they liked me. If they had a rule we couldn't sleep together in their house, I would stay in a hotel. See I would never make a guy I love choose between me and his parents. I think , no I Know he needs both. If the trip is for me to meet his parents, there is no rule saying I Have to stay at their house. Plus I wouldn't Want to be lovey , dovey in from of them , we just met. So I would come , have a dinner or two with them ans see how it goes. If they don't like me, then this will be the last time they see me. He could and should go visit without me.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
28 Jun 11
Oh...I didn't mean serious things where they would want a relationship to end. But small things where it's just a matter of choice to follow or being polite.
As an example, when we were newly married and we were at my parent's place, I saw my husband use a cup and put it down on the floor while there was a coffee table right in front of him. My father is quite particular about such things (and so am I..I have to add) and I mentioned this to my husband later when we were alone. I had given it much thought and put it across in a nice way and didn't mean to make him feel bad...but my husband felt insulted. It was only later that I realized that in his home, the men could do anything and the women were at their beck and call and not expected to correct them if they were wrong.
2 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
28 Jun 11
You didn't know that. Being able to hear and understand a request from a demand is the first thing a man loses when he goes from a lover to a husband. That is why I would never , ever try to correct a husband, he won't hear me. This is why I will Never marry.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
8 Jul 11
That's the way I feel. I would appreciate being warned in advance than to be reprimanded or thought ill off at a later stage. But not many people take it that way and in our culture, men are given a lot of importance and most men expect to be treated like Gods at their in-laws homes (though things are changing now).
@secretbear (19448)
• Philippines
27 Jun 11
Hi!
In our culture, it is a must that you go along with the family of your partner even before you live together. It's like a requirement because if the family of your partner does not approve of you, you'll have a big problem. Some relationships get destroyed because of this. Some elope and ignore their families which is considered a taboo because a relationship without each of the partner's family's blessings is considered doomed. And if the family of your partner is against you, even if you get married and live together, the family will surely make your marriage life a living hell. But if you live faraway from that family, then I guess your safe.
I have a friend whose husband's aunt is always against those who married her male relatives. The aunt has an adopted son who used to live with her even after he got married. But because she was against the girl and made her life hell, the couple left her and lived on their own. Now my friend and her husband used to live with the aunt too because she's all alone. But she was against my friend too so they left her, too. Now, she's alone but she still could make my friend's life like hell because they work in one company. .
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
28 Jun 11
It was customary for us to stay with the husband's family. But now things have changed and couples usually stay away from either the husband's or the wife's family (a generation or so back...they would have stayed with the wife's family since we are a matriarchal community).
But now they visit either family for a day or two. But I find silly fights (which turn really big cropping) up just because one of them expects the other to try and show their better side for a day or two.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
1 Jul 11
When two people get married, they become one. Not two or three including his and her family members so they only have to please each other and themselves, not each others families. Now depending on what I believe in is whether or not I'll abide by my inlaws rules. I won't go out of my way to insult them however, I won't go out of my way to abolish my beliefs either.
1 person likes this
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
28 Jun 11
Here in my country,usually the couple should/must know each others family before they get married.
Some couple even engaged for years before getting married,so by that time,they get to know their in-laws and even get comfortable with them.
I know my in-laws before i get marry and that i never had any hard time feeling comfortable with them.
Until today,i can still say that my in-laws are good people,and always lend a help without me asking from them.
They're so sensitive when it comes to providing and assisting help,that i don't need to speak a word.
In your topic,i know that would be hard when you don't have any idea how to deal with your in-laws,much more if they give or do some acts of disagreement or shows some actions of disliking.
At least,you really need to asks or tell your partner what your in-laws think and how they behave.
1 person likes this
@genesisgroldan (214)
• Philippines
27 Jun 11
Coping or adjusting with your spouses's family is one of the challenging thing that can ever happen to a marriage. There are some that choose to end things for good because of their in-laws. Well, I think it's inevitable especially if your living with them. Even if you do good, just do your thing as they will say something about you no matter what. Just take good care of your relationship.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
28 Jun 11
I didn't mean when one is living with them...but when one is visiting for a day or two. I agree it's hard to try to be someone else or change even little things in oneself when one is living with them full time. But that's not the case when one is visiting. And it shows your spouse/partner that you respect their family.
1 person likes this
