Badmouthing the parent to the child
By SViswan
@SViswan (12051)
India
July 9, 2011 10:03pm CST
We went out for dinner with one of my husband's classmate and his family. The wife and I get along well and their son and my sons enjoy each other's company. We've even gone for a vacation together and it was then that I got close to the wife.
One thing I noticed is that whenever the father and son got some alone time and the wife wasn't around, the father would say really mean things about the mother and her family to the son. The mother seems to be unaware of this happening and the father is careful to be correct when his wife is around and besides general teasing doesn't say anything. Sometimes he even goes to the extent of praising his wife and her family when she is around (though I've heard him say the opposite to the child).
I feel this is wrong on 2 counts
1. A child aged 9 shouldn't be exposed to such details about a family member especially one as close as a mother. I think it's wrong to do so even if what was said is true unless the father was discussing the situation and was helping the child to learn to handle similar situations.
2. The fact that the father has scant respect for the mother and her family can be confusing and shattering to a child that young (he has hinted about it to my older son but I suspect he is unable to articulate how he feels about it and doesn't want to seem like he is taking the side of one parent alone). Talking behind one's back can be something the child learns from the father.
I think the mother should know what's happening. I don't know how she will react if she gets to know and I don't want to be the one creating friction between the husband and wife. Since the time I've realized what is happening, I'm uncomfortable around the husband and feel sorry when I am with the wife. I don't know what to do :-(
5 people like this
10 responses
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
10 Jul 11
Is your husband a friend of his? Can you discuss it with Hubby? And maybe he can say something to the guy and get him to stop and the wife may never have to know! I agree this is the worse thing to happen. Is he trying to get the son to disrespect his mother Or just All women? It is sad.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
10 Jul 11
I can't tell my husband. He wouldn't think I am making this up but he might think that I am reading too much into what's happening. Unless he witnesses it, he isn't going to understand. I am pretty observant about such things and do see and hear things even when people don't think I am.
I don't know what he is trying to do to the son. But whatever it is...it's not right. From what I've seen and heard, it's not women in general...but mostly the boy's mother and her family members that he speaks about...saying things like his mother-in-law is a very nasty woman and he can't stand the fact that she keeps saying she wants to meet the grandson (his parents don't visit or talk to the son on the phone).
I feel he shouldn't be saying this even if it IS true. The relationship he has with his mother-in-law is different from what his son has with her as a grandson.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
10 Jul 11
Oh! So he just hates his in laws. It is sad but not as bad as I thought it was!He is resentful to them and is taking it out on his child.That's wrong. i feared he wanted his child to hate and disrespect All women. It sounds like a family feud and the grandson is a pawn.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
11 Jul 11
Yes, that's more like it. The boy's just 9, though...and he COULD grow up disrespecting all women. No one can say about that now. Not only is the husband insulting his wife and his in-laws....he is also raising a confused child who might not respect other people as he grows.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (136085)
• India
18 Jul 11
Probably this man feels that his son is more inclined towards his mother and her family. It is nothing but jealousy. Also there could be other reasons which you may not be aware of. Probably the mother also could be doing likewise.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (136085)
• India
20 Jul 11
It is unbelievable that children that age gossip. And we always thought they never pay attention and the parents sometimes open up arguments in their presence. This sure is an eye opener that if this boy could talk to your son it is not a good development.
@dpk262006 (58676)
• Delhi, India
10 Jul 11
It is wrong on the part of father to critise his wife's relatives in front of his son, when his wife is not around. It shows his double standards and scant regards for his wife. It could be determinantal in the long run and it could cause trouble for the lady. You may communicate the lady indirectly that she needed to be more careful about her husband's disguised behaviour.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
11 Jul 11
I agree that it is not right...but I don't know what will happen with my hinting. The wife will not disbelieve me but she might fight with her husband over this issue. He can then tell my husband that I was the reason for marital discord between them (not everyone is able to see their own faults) and that will make my husband angry at me for trying to create a rift in his friend's family. You get the drift....it's going to be a cycle that I want to avoid.
I guess the only option for me is to make excuses to try and avoid being around them as much as possible.
@dpk262006 (58676)
• Delhi, India
14 Jul 11
You can avoid them, if you feel uneasy in their company.
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
13 Jul 11
This is a sad situation, yet very prevalent and unfortunately seems to happen more with the husband being thoughtless than with the wife, at least in the cases I've seen. Here in the states we have an expression "nobody likes a Cassandra" which comes from when a wise woman warned her countrymen of impending danger, but when the danger came and devastated her country, instead of remembering that she tried to warn them, they blamed her for the trouble.
My guess is that the wife knows this is going on and it would probably just embarrass her to say anything.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
17 Jul 11
I say talk to your husband about it and ask him to tell this guy to please keep his opinions to himself because it's making you feel very uncomfortable to be around him or his wife. I wouldn't tell his wife about it because you'll be the 'bad guy' in her eyes and she'll take it out on you instead of the purpetrator like it should be. However, about the son, it's a sad sad shame what his father is doing to him because that's child abuse. The poor kid isn't able to grow up and form his own opinion much less respect for both of his parents so in time, the father will be the one to pay for this and yet the child will too unfortunetly. Since the little boy is 9 years old right now, the hateful words that his father is telling him will soon come out with the 9 year old and all hell will break out which you don't need to be a part of. Just be there for your friend because she's going to need a shoulder to cry on when it all unfolds.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
18 Jul 11
I decided not to tell the lady anything. And no use getting my husband to talk. He will not. Better for me to avoid meeting them as much as possible. I talk to the wife on the phone and I can't totally avoid them either. But I can keep it to the minimum..make excuses sometimes.
@Sreekala (34312)
• India
11 Jul 11
Hi SV,
I feel pity for that guy as he is damaging his own family
. What is his intention to criticize his wife and her family infront of the small boy? If he continues the same then the boy respect neither him nor his wife. I mean the consequences will be very dangerous. At the same, I know very well that you can’t play a role in between them since the wife don’t know anything about this issue. Your husband can, if he wish, may interfere and make this guy to understand the serious consequences of his nonsense talking.
. What is his intention to criticize his wife and her family infront of the small boy? If he continues the same then the boy respect neither him nor his wife. I mean the consequences will be very dangerous. At the same, I know very well that you can’t play a role in between them since the wife don’t know anything about this issue. Your husband can, if he wish, may interfere and make this guy to understand the serious consequences of his nonsense talking. 1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
11 Jul 11
If I could talk to my husband and make him to talk to the guy...there will be no discussion at all. He is the best person to put this across to his friend without seeming to poke his nose...which will be the case if I interfere.
Even though my husband will believe what I say, he will think that I am giving too much importance to the issue than it warrants. And unless he witnesses for himself he will not realize the seriousness.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
10 Jul 11
He's a pretty sorry person to do his wife & child that way. As for whatto do she probably wouldn't believe u if u told her. Some women keep their head in the sand when it comes to their husbands. DUH! If u said anything to her it would probably cause trouble between the two of u plus the husband. I can't help but think she is aware of some of it.Women & men both put up w/alot of crap just to say they have a husband or wife. U will just have to be the judge of what u do.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
10 Jul 11
I really think she is not aware of it. We've talked about some other things that happen there...as friends do (not very deep). If she did believe me, they would definitely argue over it..and I don't want to be the one triggering something ugly. My husband would then be mad at me for creating a fight between them.
But the poor boy :-(
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
10 Jul 11
It is most unfair to bad mouth a parent to a child because it is a personal insult to him or her. A child feels as though the parents are part of him or her and I agree it can be very painful and confusing when situations like your friend’s occur. It is a difficult one...Is you or your husband able to talk to the guy about this and explain that he is hurting his son and making your friendship uncomfortable? I’m afraid that this is one of those hard to deal with cases but I agree that something should be said for the sake of the poor child and his mother. Your friend does not sound like a great guy to me...
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
10 Jul 11
Oh no..can't get my husband involved. Unless he witnesses it, he won't understand and even if he does he will take it lightly because the man is HIS friend. He would say something like...'yeah, who knows what happens inside the home..she's probably very mean'. That might be true...but I think what's between the couple should remain between them and such things shouldn't involve the child.
If he/she was my friend, I would have had a talk about how I feel and if they weren't going to change, I could take a stand about not being friends anymore or not being around them much.
I agree something needs to be done for the sake of the poor child. He must be so confused. As you pointed out, his parents are a part of him and here is one parent insulting the other. He wouldn't want to take sides and doesn't understand what the parent is trying to do either.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
10 Jul 11
That is very sad. It is the child that really suffers. I think that children get to a certain age where they form their own opinions. The bad things said to them about a person they love is something that I think helps form these opinions. People want to be around positivity by nature. I think the father will ultimatley end up being the one that pays the price. That child is going to see a mother that is loyal and doesn't say bad things about her partner. That child is going to reach the age where they understand eventually.
As far as doing anything...I'm not sure that I would if I were you. Sometimes getting in the middle of a husband and wife situation can cause you to end up losing a good friend.
Take care and good luck..this is a tough one.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
11 Jul 11
Yes, hopefully the child will grow up respecting the mother (and I'm sure that's what's going to happen....but sad for the dad that he will lose the respect that the child has for him).
I also felt it was best not to get in between the couple. But my I get so uncomfortable being around that man (basically I feel he is a very petty person). I can't tell my husband either. The man is his friend and my husband will feel I am blowing things out of proportion. I'll just need to make up excuses to avoid being around the family as much as possible.
@sanjay91422 (2725)
• India
10 Jul 11
I think it is bad that a father talks to the son like this. I am sure that the son will hate the father internally. I think you should not talk this to anybody. Avoid that person, I think telling it to the others will make it more worse.
It is good to stay out of it because no body knows what personal problem is going on between a couple so you don't worry about them. Have a nice day ahead.
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