fair weather friend
By mswriter
@writergirl74 (802)
United States
July 13, 2011 10:21am CST
For about 12 years now, I have had this friend who I considered my "best" conversational friend. I mean I could call him and talk to him about anything and up until a few years ago, anytime. I secretly had a crush on him, but I found out last year that he never considered me in this fashion. I was a little disappointed, maybe even delusional because I still thought that he may end up choosing me after all the years and knowing that I had an interest in him.
Yesterday, I found out he has a new girlfriend. From what I can tell it seems serious and he is a GREAT guy. He has had some relationships in the past, but would never really mention them. Well, yesterday he posted this one on Facebook, which let me know the level of seriousness. Although, he wouldn't tell me. I found myself disappointed and a little jealous even. I wanted to delete him from my page and all his prior posts. However, I decided to behave a little more adult and simply offered him a "congrats"...he responded with "thanks".
This took my day to a new low and well, I had to get it together. He is an awesome persona and deserves every happiness in the world. Why do I feel so "bummed" out. I need to just get over it. I failed to mention, that now that he has the budding new romance, we won't talk as much. I called him the other night and he said, "answer the phone, I'm going to call you back". I'm still waiting. He has never been good at calling me back. In fact, I did most the calling our entire friendship. I am now realizing that he was my friend, I'm not sure if I was his.
I don't know. Any advice you guys can offer me. I just want to move and cut the loss. I don't want to feel like someone has died and that's kinda how I feel.
5 people like this
14 responses
@SpikeTheLobster (6403)
•
13 Jul 11
You ARE Julia Roberts in "My best friend's marriage" or whatever that pile of poo was called. The chances are that most of your feelings aren't that real - any long-term friendship in which you really appreciate the person involves a certain amount of love. We all think it'd be cool to get together at one time or another but, when it comes down to it, friends is friends and nothing more.
My advice is to replace him with chocolate. It's much less demanding and won't complain if you shut it in the fridge.
@SpikeTheLobster (6403)
•
13 Jul 11
I watched it in French, so I had no clue what it was called in English. 
The analogy wasn't meant to be mean, just to make you smile at the silliness of life.
Two of my best friends have been in this situation before. The guy was nuts about the girl, who wasn't. Nuts about him, I mean. They're still the best of friends because they both know it'd never happen. She's married, with three kids, now. He's still single (though I don't think that's because of her).
I can understand why you'd be peeved. In your position - with you doing all the contacting work - I'd probably feel the same way. 
The analogy wasn't meant to be mean, just to make you smile at the silliness of life.
Two of my best friends have been in this situation before. The guy was nuts about the girl, who wasn't. Nuts about him, I mean. They're still the best of friends because they both know it'd never happen. She's married, with three kids, now. He's still single (though I don't think that's because of her).
I can understand why you'd be peeved. In your position - with you doing all the contacting work - I'd probably feel the same way. @writergirl74 (802)
• United States
13 Jul 11
WOW!! Julia Roberts is one of my favorite actresses--it's "My Best Friend's Wedding" Ike, lol!! Somehow, I don't like that analogy, but I don't think your advice was gauged on my acceptance :(
Sad but true! Friends is friends. Now, I don't think I want to be friends anymore.
1 person likes this
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
13 Jul 11
Oh, I know you weren't being mean, just my warped sense of humor in this particular situation I suppose. I now know that it will never be with him so I can stop fantasizing and obsessing over it. It just hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when he made the post on his FB. I really have no reason to be upset, just feel pushed to the side I suppose.
I'll get over it. Besides, I have some other interests that weren't so interesting until now :D
@vivamir (671)
•
13 Jul 11
Awwwwwww writergirl74..my heart goes out to you..
I think the loss you are feeling, is rightly so how you put it- you were more of a friend to him.. and to be honest I think hes pretty mean for ignoring you this way.
I see you trying to make excuses for him 'I did most of the calling our entire friendship..' and you are clear on him being a GREAT guy.. (*unless its just the way im taking it*) but you dont want to upset yourself when you know you put in the effort, YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN and anyone would be lucky to have you (*thats what you should be thinking!!*).. especially with him moving on with so much ease- (* also it could be he doesnt undestatnd he is making you feel shunned out*)
You are worth a 1000 of him..and deserve to receive the attention that you are so willing to express with another- and when you find him, I wish you all the happiness in the world..and 'your friend' will know what a lovely lady he has lost..
Keep smiling writergirl74..(",)
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
13 Jul 11
Thank you so much for saying so. He really is a great person. I'm not just saying so. He has been a help to me in so many ways and I will forever be grateful to him for that. I just need to accept that he has moved on and is happy. That is what a true friend would do. When you truly love someone their happiness is most important. He has a choice and he did so. It just wasn't me. I know there is someone for me out there, it's just not my turn yet. :(
@vivamir (671)
•
13 Jul 11
Maybe so.. but its a pity he doesnt realize what a great friend he has :(
Then again..maybe your better off without that reminder of what you felt for him, I just hope that he realizes one day of how his ignorance made you feel, as that certainly isnt a nice feeling..
Im glad you take on such a positive outlook..as when it is 'your turn', I hope it is all you could wish for and more (",)
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
13 Jul 11
Yes, I agree, I don't want the reminder of him. He was good while he lasted I suppose. I actually do have another situation that might be budding. Even if he doesn't ever realize, I have decided to move on and let sleeping dogs lie. I wish him the best of course.
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
19 Jul 11
Personally I would not let this bother you. He is happy with someone else now, and it is time for you to move on. Many times they never look at things further than a friend even when you want it to be more, so when they find someone else they are Happy with being with they tend to want you to leave them alone. Find things to do and find some New friends. Go join a Bowling league or something and have Fun. Pretty soon you will forget all about him as well.
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
20 Jul 11
Oh my! This pill was a little tough to swallow. Thanks for the honesty though. Even though I know he would never tell me to leave him alone, you are right. I can just tell that he wants this. I have done so. No sense in crying over spilled milk. I want him to be happy and I am going to let it be. I am definitely looking for things to fill my time with. I need some new friends. Ones that are on the same page as I am. Thanks again!
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
20 Jul 11
You have to figure out which is better for you, deleting him from your friend's list . Or hanging around and being his friend. He has no idea you love him. He may never see you in that light.But it is up to you. You Have to follow your heart. many will say go on with your life but I Know you Have to have All of yourself to do that.I mean you can't be with another when this guy has your heart. It wouldn't be fair. So you have to resolve your feeling about this guy Before moving on.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
21 Jul 11
Great. I have been there . You wish a guy wanted more of a relationship but he doesn't. All I can say is There is a guy put there who will want a real , loving relationship with you. I'm living proof, once you let go of the dream that won't come true , it makes room for the real thing to appear.
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
20 Jul 11
I can agree with this advice. I have moved on. He didn't know I loved him, but he knew that I had feelings for him and would have liked to pursue a relationship with him. He simply was not interested in me that way. He told me he never saw me this way. I asked him. Now, it is okay. I will not delete him from my friend's list. I just won't bother him anymore. I won't be doing any more calling either. I have decided to let things be as they are and naturally progress. I think it would be better this way. I need to continue to work on me anyway. Thanks for the comment though. I have established myself where this issue is concerned. I know how I want to handle it and I am comfortable with my decision. Thanks again.
1 person likes this
@blue65packer (11826)
• United States
16 Jul 11
I have a similar story. Eighteen years ago I became with friends with a guy I was working with. He was and is a nice guy. After he did something nice for me I started along crush on him! Somehow through all this we remained freinds and worked together. I tried to stop the crush but unless i would of gone elsewhere to work it would of stopped sooner. Anyway he never was attractive towards me. Of course it made me angry and didn't help the crush any! It just got worse when he started dating a waitess where we worked! They said they started out as freinds but the way they acted they were where more then friends! Anyway I was so confused,frustrated,angry,jealous and going crazy! None of my women freinds were any help! The guys just put up with me! With my jealousy I made my freindship with him,really strained! I all most lost his freindship! He didn't realy talk to me for a few weeks but finally he did! Things did get better and when he moved in with the waitress (They married in 2002) then the crush ended! I can't explain it but it was over! I was releived and less stressed then! Through all of this,the guy,is my boss,he still helps me out when needed,I can talk to him alot but it is at work mostly. He really is my best friend! Even though all the crap that went on! If he wasn't such a nice guy,this would not of happen! I got luckly and I hope someday you can as I did!
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
16 Jul 11
Thank you for telling me this. Cedric and I will remain friends. He is that type of guy. I wish him every happiness in the world. There is no other person I know who deserves it more than he. The more I have thought over this the last few days, I find myself very happy and proud for him. The situation "right guy" for me will come along. He may already be here and I just have not been looking in the right direction.
@rivakwa (56)
•
15 Jul 11
It is unfortunate your friend is highly insensitive to your emotions.It does appear you were the one really emotionally involved with him.I commend you for your maturity.However learn your lesson that all that glisters is not goal.You do not need a soothsayer to tell that your friend in questions was not a true friend,my understanding of friendship is caring and this your friend has not show,from your posting it was as if you were forcing yourself on him,hence he talks about his new romance without minding how you will take it.
Please, Please the guy is not meant for you.Move on with your life,a better person who is humane and friendly will come your way as far as am concerned your so called friend is an acquaintance not a friend
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
15 Jul 11
I can accept honest even if it is hard to swallow. I also respect a person who will give the honest truth. I think the truth makes one free. We should all be willing to give it even if it might hurt the persons feelings at the moment. In the end it will be better to have had the truth than to live out a lie that will do greater damage later. Thank you for this. I am not at all upset. I don't like to lie to myself.
The reason he is a friend is because he was there for me at some very rough times in my life. He kept me on track and always told me the truth, even when it hurt. It is not his fault that I decided to make more of things than they were. He never lied to me. He never pretended. He never gave me a false hope. It was all me who made it more than it was. I cannot blame him and I do not. I want him to have the greatest happiness he can find. If that is not with me, it is okay. He deserves the best! I will always love and respect the kind of person he was to me. I will miss him dearly!
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
22 Jul 11
I think you've answered all your own queries and you know that your doubts are genuine. He's not for you and he never was so you haven't really lost anyone even if it feels like it.
Just let go and move forward. I know you will miss your friend but there's nothing else you can do. Good luck.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
13 Jul 11
Before you consider cutting off the friendship remember that a lot of guys out there are not the type to call people. They would rather correspond through email, or text messaging, getting together even, but picking up the phone isn't there thing. It sounds like you are feeling really bummed out because of this crush you've had on him and that is what is controlling your emotions right now. I think the guy is now in love and in a serious relationship and it might be that he has all of his spare time spent on her, I Don't know.
I know that even sounds harsh. I'm sorry that you're going through this, I know what it feels like to be bummed out after a big crush on someone that didn't feel the same way about you - though I used to not be so blunt as to ask, so at the time that I had these feelings I never knew if they may have returned them.
Good Luck on whatever you choose. I Say give him a second chance, try to correspond with him more through facebook, see if he responds better - and quicker that way.
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
13 Jul 11
I have known him for 12 years. I am not so much worried about the phone calls. I mean I somewhat saw this coming for years now, but just didn't want to accept it. I guess I just wanted to vent how I am feeling over it. I can assure you he's not worried about how I am feeling and has moved on. I can tell.
I think I am going to let him be. I mean there are times when friends move on. Nothing lasts forever anyway.
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
14 Jul 11
I'm sorry. You'll have to forgive me for not quite understanding the message you are trying to convey. Thanks for attempting a response though. They are always appreciated and welcomed.
@EdnaReyes (2622)
• Philippines
14 Jul 11
I think you are just anticipating "that loss' of friendship between you and him now that he's getting busy with a romantic adventure. All yo have to do is just do your normal thing, let this thing pass normally as things like this do happens in any relationship. Let him enjoy this "new excursion" and when he comes back, he'll have a lot of things to tell you. In the meantime, it's time for you to think about your self and look somewhere else where you can also find "great" someone like him!
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
14 Jul 11
Funny you should say this. I have been working on it as speak. I have decided to cut the loss. To be honest, I don't want him to come back. He never really was mine to begin with. I just wanted him to be. I had my own personal fantasy about the situation you could say. Now that he has shown me truly where we stand I am moving on. I wish him well. He deserves it. I have something else more exciting I want to get into now!
@nikramos (698)
• Philippines
14 Jul 11
you sure are showing signs of deep "liking" for this guy.you did most of the calling in your entire friendship and he was never good at calling you back you say. maybe you have to embrace the fact that you are meant to be just good friends and move on meeting other wonderful people out there. he doesnt seem interested (sorry, its the truth so it got to be a bit, just a bit blunt). im not sure though but it looks like he hasnt even clued you in on this new girl he met and just the other day you knew he has a girlfriend. try not contacting him again, until such time you accept how things turned out. it might make you feel "hurt" but you can definitely deal with that! ive seen you here for a few days and i must say you have a great positive personality. best of luck!
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
14 Jul 11
Thank you so much. It is a bit of an ego smasher, but I have to accept reality. He just never was interested in me in this way. I have no problem not contacting him. This will rather easy to do since he has distanced himself even more over this "new gal". I probably won't contact him again. Sometimes, you just have to move and cut the loss. He was there when I needed a friend and this was great, but now, I'm ready to focus more on myself, my children, and possibly the true love I have been waiting for.
@hardworker1972 (311)
• United States
14 Jul 11
This is a tough topic. I don't have any allknowing advice for you though. Sorry about that, but I did want to offer some sort of comfort to you since you poured your heart out here. Hope that you can figure things out.
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
14 Jul 11
It's okay. I truly have felt better just being able to share here. So, I know I will be okay. I have thick skin and in a day or two this won't even matter anymore. It's not like I have to see him everyday or anything so it won't be that hard. Our friendship had already faded into a here and there phone call so I'm just going through the last stretch of the tearing away if you will.
@bouncybug (614)
• South Africa
13 Jul 11
Hi writergirl! I'm so sorry about this - it is a very difficult situation. I think that you should try and be honest with yourself though - it seems to me by reading this situation that you are so upset because you had romantic feelings for this person and now he is with someone else. This means that now you know for sure that there is no longer a chance that he has feelings for you as well - maybe that is why you are feeling so terribly disappointed? This is a completely understandable response, I have felt exactly the same way when guys that I like start dating someone else. My advice would be it just give it time. You should try not speaking to him for a while until your feelings for him have faded - maybe then you can try and be friends again, without romantic feelings getting in the way!
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
13 Jul 11
This is a mature way to handle it. I am definitely not going to speak to him for awhile if ever again. I'm at the point with it now that I'd just rather cut the loss and move on. As I stated, I know realize that he was my friend more than I was his. I have seen this before. One person more dependent on a situation than another. So, my feelings while they are true, are self inflicted. Thank goodness I am mature enough to deal with my feelings. Talking here with you guys makes it better for me to handle. I actually do feel better now that I have posted it here and had time to vent and converse with you all about it.
I never knew how helpful this site really can be. I have SO MANY issues in my life right now that I will posting for months probably, lol. Thanks for the concern and the comments. Its helpful to be able to talk things out with others.
@jwill3 (16)
• United States
15 Jul 11
First of all, I feel bad that you're feeling so bad right now. I'm sure we've all been in that position where we liked someone and then find out later they didn't like us back so much. But I got a piece of good advice from someone one time (and it was a guy!), he said if the guy is into you, he'll call back and (wait, if you know what I mean). He told me that I should not spend too much time on guys that I could not see myself married to, because it keeps me in an unsuccessful mode for too long. A year later I got married! So I know your heart is broken right now, but my best advice is to keep looking, you'll find a guy that wants to call you back and can't get enough of you!
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
16 Jul 11
WOW!! Thank you for saying this. I really needed that! I am not feeling bad anymore. I have learned how to get to my "happy place" a lot better and faster now. Which is a good thing for me if you knew my background.
