cannot be friends with my mother
By jazel_juan
@jazel_juan (15746)
Philippines
July 18, 2011 9:04am CST
Sad but i realized this just now that i cannot be friends with her.
Ever since i was in my teens or even when i was a kid, i could feel distance between us. There were times when i would hug her or be expressive, she would brush it off. There were times that i tried to rationalize her actions and came up with the reason on why i cannot break that wall she have. It may be due to not her loving me, but maybe she do love me but she is not just used to being expressive because i believe her childhood was not one with emotions either. I could remember my grandmother as tough and not that loving or expressive either. These are people who toiled hard before and it was all work and work for them.
Now why did i made this discussion? because just this morning i nearly had another argument with her but i chose to keep my mouth shut because i still respect her but deep in me i so want to answer back and tell her how i feel. Like i feel like an adopted daughter because everytime i am infront of her there is nothing i could hear but all negative stuff, like how money is tight,like how bad her business is going, like the kids are noisy blahblah.. but i noticed that when my brother is around, she is this jolly self that seems to be so happy and nice and loving. It is also that way with the children. I am not a jealous person, but i cannot help but notice this and even my husband noticed this. He even jokingly asked me if i am adopted. Well, maybe i am not but i felt this way. I talked to my cousin whose mother and my mother are sisters and guess what she feels that way too with her mother and we both realized it is in their genes maybe.
I do not want to bury sentiments, nor i want to hold grudge with her because i know her time in this world may not be that long. I want to tell her i love but i realize i cannot because i cannot feel hatred. I do not want this feeling so i try my best to just respect her as she is.. and try to see what is good in her. But one thing i realize is that, i cannot be friends with her..she is just my mother and nothing more. She is someone who bring me to this earth but nothing more.. she cannot be someone i could talk to, someone i could hug or ask for hugs..
But i can change with my daughter, i won't be like her. I will be different with my daughter, i swear.
8 people like this
27 responses
@Bannybanzie (1397)
• Philippines
19 Jul 11
Hi!
That's so sad. More than anything else, feeling loved is what we need. With what you said, I think, well not to make you even sadder, it's either you are adopted or something she did not want happen while she's pregnant with you or gave birth to you or maybe she just likes a son more.
But don't worry about it anymore. Instead, shower all your love to your child/ren and love them just the way you wanted to be loved. I'm sure they'll pay your love back and you'll be happier.
WIth your mom, still show her love and respect. In the right time, I'm sure she'll see how a great daughter you are for her.
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
Yes it is hard to think of reasons on why i feel that way to her or why she feels that way to me.. and i give up on knowing reasons but i have long accepted the fact that it is that way. But i will love her as she is my mother and wont have any other mother who gave life to me. But i did promise myself i will be better for my children.
@VRamone (325)
• Brazil
18 Jul 11
hi there!
well im not friends with my mother also,unfortunately,i believe we dont have a strong feeling for each other.I was raised by my grandparents after my mother fight with my father,and then both didnt really want to raise me.
I believe u should talk with her how u feel.
Now my relation with her is a bit better than in the past,and i hope we could be more close.
2 people like this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
you are lucky then to have grandmother who cared for you.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
19 Jul 11
It may be as simple as she doesn't Know how to Love a daughter. With a son , no problem. I'm so sorry. It is like you are mourning your mom as she lives. All I can suggest is sit down and write her a letter. Say Everything you Always wanted to say. Then either keep the letter Or send it to her. Either way get All those feeling out.Free yourself. Then just go on with your life. Are you close to your mother in law? If so , then consider Her your mom. And I Know you will stop this cycle with your daughter. Maybe by being the mom you never had will help. Take Care. I hope things get better.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
20 Jul 11
Don't let the distance stop you , Call , text or email. Friend her at Facebook. you need a loving older woman to connect to and why not your mother in law. As for the woman who gave birth to you , I will not call her a mom, I know it is hard but you have to let go . She will not connect so just go on with your life with the support of your friends and most of all Hubby. It will always hurt but you have to go on. See I'm more vicious and mean than you . Once I saw How I was being ignored, I would stop visiting and talking . It would be like I never was born . She wouldn't even know her grandkids.But I Know can't do that. Just try to be happy . And write me here , at this post, if you ever need to vent. Take Care.
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
I would want to be close to my mother-in-law but geographically i cannot because they live hours away from my place by airplane! lol.
Well,i do pour my heart out - here that is..and at times i do tell my husband how i feel and he do understand me.. well i have tried those letter thingie before..and seems like it still does not work. 
1 person likes this
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
20 Jul 11
I know exactly how you feel. My mother and I have a similar relationship. I mean we will give each other a kiss or whatever, but I have never really truly felt the "mother's love" from her. She has always been judgmental and cruel even. She abused my sister and me when we were young and even when we weren't with her anymore she still was very verbal and emotionally abusive. I have tried to talk with her about it, but she always just says things like, "move on" or "you're not a kid anymore". So, I had to let her be. As much as I wanted us to move past things and be close it just was not happening.
Sometimes, you just have to let things be. You have a family now that needs your love and support. You can use the situation with your mom as a learning experience of how "not to be" like you stated. There is no love like a Mother's love I'll admit. I can say this because I am a mom. Not because I received such love from mine. All you can really do is pray for her and hope for the best. I applaud you for being a person that wants to maintain respect. That is how I am. I just respect her for who she is. I don't expect anything more from her. Some of it is upbringing mostly I think. The rest is just they don't see how their being the way they are affects everyone around them. Even the ones they show love to. I am so sorry for you having to endure this. I know what it feels like. At my age, I really don't have time to put a whole lot of time into it. I have my own child to raise. I just let them be. We spend little time with each other and don't talk very much. It usually ends up in us arguing or having some ridiculous disagreement. It took me a long time to learn that some people have to be loved from a distance...even if it is a mom.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
21 Jul 11
It is a learning experience that i do intend to really learn.. i try my best to show my kids affection and love and care that i never had with my mother, she was cold..just cold, though she do what a mother does but it was just cold..no hugging and loving! but i understood her part and yes you are right sometimes it hard to understand people like them..
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
21 Jul 11
hahahaha am so sorry! that pic is not supposed to be uploaded here! lol it should be in a different discussion! i am sorry my friend.. 
@writergirl74 (802)
• United States
21 Jul 11
If I can do it, anyone can. I have confidence in you that you will do what is right for you. It's not even about her anymore. It's all about you and the better good of your family. I know you want a relationship with her, but forget about it if it isn't healthy for you. You should not be upset and angered by her on every attempt made to be around her. She obviously is over it. You should be also. Think about you and your family. You guys are more important.
@anubratimitra (27)
• India
19 Jul 11
Dear.This is truly unfortunate because I had a mother who was my everything. Anyway I can suggest your something. I thik you have two options. 1. You pleaes concentrate into your family. I mean to say your husband, your in-laws and try to be happy. or
2. talk to your mom. Just express her your grief and ask her wher her mother behaved like that how she used to feel.
This is such a problem you only have to solve it out.
First try to talk to your mom and then concentrate to your in-laws family.
May be your virtual distance with your mom make her realize you love. Sometime we do not feel someone's love when he/she is with us. A distance can make us realized about the blind love and emotion of the person towards us.
1 person likes this
@anubratimitra (27)
• India
20 Jul 11
That's very good. Always be positive but don't expect. If it happens then enjoy it if not then don't be depressed.Accept life the way it is.You are not alone. Just see how many are responding you. So? Be positive in mind, do much and expect less. That will make you happy.
@Cricket127 (548)
• United States
19 Jul 11
Hi! Ouch!! I wonder if the situation is related to the adoption; there's a prejudice she has about it. She still shouldn't take it out on you though. Can you find out the circumstances? Good that you and your cousin can talk about it.
As my Dad went through something like this, I can kinda relate. She just could not let her guard down and there was tension between them as a result. As both have passed on, we'll never know quite why but it may have been the way she was raised or the circumstances in her life or a little of both. He did try to be there for her and my guess is she just did not know how to respond.
Like you, I am trying to be close to my kids, knowing they'll need someone.
Here's a big hug for you! Stay in touch!
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
well i am certain i am not adopted..
Maybe my mom is not just into emotions and showing how they feel..but still life must go on and i am living it with all positive stuff @Cricket127 (548)
• United States
20 Jul 11
That is possible but I still think you ought to say something.
@ann815 (54)
• Philippines
19 Jul 11
i feel for you. its not easy to have a strained relationship with your mom. i guess all i can tell you is to keep on reaching out and express your love for her. I attended this fellowship, where a lady have a similar story with yours. the difference is that she couldnt get through to her father. her father was very unemotional, always shouting and doesnt express affection. what she did was to continue to serve her dad, made him breakfast, bought him his favorite food. She just became more sensitive to the needs of her dad. eventually he came around. he didnt become a super hugger or mushy. but he smiled more to her. even prepared her breakfast before she goes to work. i think the short of the story is when she didnt tire of giving love she got love back eventually. good luck and i really hope that you have a better relationship with your mom. :)
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
Wow quite opposite but know what? my dad is in the military, armed forces..he used to be a soldier and often times they are the ones emotionless and i do get afraid of him but i can easier connect with him and even talk to him than my mom.. its like weird but it is just that way.. plus my dad shows emotion more, like he would hug us more and asks me how i am and stuff like that! 
@brew2x (3094)
• Philippines
18 Jul 11
Hi jazel_juan! You know what? You are not the only one. My mom is the type of person who says negative stuffs a lot, curse most of the time, very loud and exaggerate things. Her behavior is really different from mine. I feel down this past few days since me and my mom had an argument. All my life I've tried nothing but to follow what she wants. I always kept quiet whenever she nags me. But this time it is different. She drags my husbands name and says bad things about him that are not true. I fought back for my husband and because I don't want to be treated that way anymore. I don't want to be embarrassed especially now that I have a son. I'm glad that he is still a baby and didn't understand what my mom said about me and his dad negatively. I will never treat my son badly. Me and my family are moving away soon, far from my mom. Hopefully she realize our worth.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
21 Jul 11
Yeah sounds like my mom too.. she also at times say negative stuff regarding my husband.. on how he does not provide more financial things and stuff like that and i always defend my husband because she does not entirely know what my husband does for me and my kids.. and it hurts because she is judgemental on my part and i do not hear stuff like that with regards to my brother's family. Though i am not wishing she would do that on him, i just wish she would stop doing it to me. It always feels like she does nothing but criticize..well let us just pray for them and hope they will change.
@gtdonna (1738)
•
20 Jul 11
I am very sorry to hear about your relaitonship with your Mom, but you are not alone. I too do not have a close relationship with my mother and probably never will.
You see, on the day i was born, my mom lost her firstborn son and the shock of the news sent her to the hospital where I was prematurely born. becuse she was grieving, she was unble to celerate my birth and grieve at the same time, so my whole entire existence I guess reminds her about that painful loss. My father on the other hand, embraced me. he saw it as one life loss and one new life gain and I do believe he probably saw me as the replacement for my brother.
Try as I might, I could never get my Mom to accept me for who I am. When my siblings got into trouble, I was always blamed even when I had n clue what was going on.
I did try reaching out to her, even writing a letter back in 2004 when the pain was too much and we lost my eldest sister, her second born 2 days before my birthday.
So sometimes, no matter how we may try, we can't make somoene love us, the best we can do is love them unconditionally and understand that sometimes situations and circumstances may have played a part in the reaosn they act they way they do.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
I can feel the pain you are going through when you posted this and i cannot offer words of comfort nor advice because i myself does not any other solution other than accepting the fact that things are just the way they are and yes, like what you have said there are reasons for everything.
@daeckardt (6237)
• United States
19 Jul 11
I don't know if it is that way with all Asian women, but my sister-in-law (from Taiwan) is the same way with her kids. She treats the girls different from their brother. I don't know why that would be unless there is some cultural reason to prefer boys to girls. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the relationship better, but some people cannot or will not change. I hope that you are able to get along with her in what time she has left. Take care of yourself!
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
i do not know if it has something to do with geographic locations or something but i guess it just happens my friend..and maybe has reasons for it.
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
20 Jul 11
Children copy the traits of their parents. Some people cannot show affection because they did not receive affection from their parents and probably did not see their parents expressing affection to each other. This is the most common reason for lack of affection between mother and child. A person could also have a physiological disorder, but that is rare. I'm glad that you have recoginized the problem and are not going to pass it on to your daughter.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
i will be different for my daughter, i will hug her more, kiss her more and show her more affection because i know it is something that will make her a better human being and a better mother in the future.
@apples99 (6556)
• United States
19 Jul 11
I'm sorry that you have a rocky relationship with your Mom, I'm very close with my mom we still have our ups and downs, but we can discuss almost anything, but when I was a child and teen my mother was much different and quite strict she would tell me that she was not my friend shes my mother I understand why she said that it was to teach me about respect and not to cross that line of respect with her because when people talk with their friends its different then the way a mother and daughter talk with each other especially if a mother is still raising her child
But now that I'm an adult our relationship has changed yes shes still my mother and she reminds me all the time haha, but we are more like friends now of course there is a level of respect that I never cross, but my mom and I have become more open and relaxed with each other
I think when children are little and become teens they need a mother who will be a Mom not a best friend though your situation with your Mom sounds more complicated then most mother daughter relationships, I hope that someday you can resolve your issues with your mom, you may never be friends with your mom but you can come to an understanding with her and maybe develop a better relationship with her.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
Good for you apples99.. i do envy people who have good relationship with their parents, the ones you see going out together, shopping clothes together.. mine was never that way..she was always stern and just soo..uptight.
I do hope that we can still change but i have long accepted that our relationship would be just this civil and nothing more.
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
i said she is not my friend..but that doesn't mean she is my enemy adhyz82.. its just that we cannot have a relationship like a friend.. just mother-daughter civil stuff 
@vivamir (671)
•
18 Jul 11
jezel_juan..(*hug*) aww.. its sad that anyone should feel so unloved..
Im happy to read that you will be so dedicated to make your own children feel love..I can understand how you feel, thing is I no longer live with that person..
I think maybe you need to have a real heart to heart with your Mum, let her know how you feel.. I mean my Mum has always favored my younger brother over me- I just thought it was because I was 'Daddys Girl'..so when my brother was born he was 'Mommys Boy'.. but even as Ive got older- she compares us to one another.. she does have a tendency to be a tad judgmental- and to be fair, I wasnt a peaceful teenager LoL
I do hope all works out for you my friend..(",) x.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
18 Jul 11
I do feel unloved, its like the person who means most to you if distant and far. But i may not be able to change things with her but i know God gave me an opportunity to make it different with my daughter and sons.
@vivamir (671)
•
18 Jul 11
I understand jazel_juan.. I dont hesitate to think you wouldnt be the best mother that you possibly can, as the love you receive back is deemed priceless, which im sure youll agree- I think we learn from our parents in many ways.. this is just one of them for you..It doesnt excuse or take the pain away, but through your own children, you learn to cope I guess.
And I know it will be for me too..
1 person likes this
@swirlz (3136)
• Philippines
19 Jul 11
I also think it's because they have a more difficult life than ours.
Yeah, be the change you want to see. But who are we to know, times are also changing, when our daughters grow up, they might also say that they can't connect with us because their life is different from us too.
It is also pretty common for daughters not to be too close with their moms. I think. But we could change that if we want, and if we try hard enough.
For the next generation!
But who are we to know, times are also changing, when our daughters grow up, they might also say that they can't connect with us because their life is different from us too.
It is also pretty common for daughters not to be too close with their moms. I think. But we could change that if we want, and if we try hard enough.
For the next generation!@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
yeah i know what you mean by what you said that they went through difficult stuff than us.. but hey your parents are cooler i believe lol..
for the next generation! yeh! sounds as if we are THAT old.. 
@Cutie18f (9551)
• Philippines
19 Jul 11
You are not alone. Mother-daughter-friction is happening everywhere. Mothers are usually closer to their sons while daughters are closer to their dads. This could be one reason why mothers and daughters do not seem to agree much of the time.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
i also noticed that because i am a bit closer and i can negotiate easier with my dad
@SIMPLYD (90722)
• Philippines
19 Jul 11
I am saddened by what you just narrated. But, basing on what your granny has been to your mom, i think she too ,was like you to her mom, so she had hardened herself to you too.
However, as you said, she is jolly with your brother. So, maybe it would be best if you open up to her about it. You can treat her to a restaurant and there, open up what you have in your heart and mind.
It's not a good thing to be like that. Just continue being nice with her, and someday she may realize what's really into her and be ashamed of it.
Yes, do be nice to your daughter always. This chain of coldness should be stopped and it has to start from you.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
The chain of coldness should be stopped, yes so true.. i am always showing my children affection..hugging them more, telling them kind words, praising them and things like that which i was never able to have from my mother. But i am hoping we can change things, but when it comes to sitting down and have a talk with her, i am still finding more courage for that because i am afraid that she will reject it or it might turn out well...
@angie20 (191)
• Philippines
19 Jul 11
When I was little, my mother was one of my mortal enemies. She exactly did same things to me as what your dear mom did to you. She also went a lot of difficulties and struggles before, which also made her a monster mom for me. What I can generalize here is that women who are product of severe torments and great turmoils of life tend to be cruel to their daughters. I don't know why but I think it is because of the bitter past they had when they were younger. When I moved out of our loving house to pursue higher studies, my mother who was then so cold to me changed. She call me every now and then to check if I'm at my boarding house. She send me messages asking me not to skip meals and pray to God for guidance. Everything changed when I am away. I think its hard for them to express their feeling for they are afraid to be rejected and neglected. Just continue your good response to your mom, I know deep inside her, she really appreciates your effort. She just don't know where and how to act back. Good thing to hear, you're not doing the same thing to your daughter this is to cut the lineage of mothers' cruelties. Someday, if I'll have my own family, I'll make it to the point that my children will be proud and happy because I am their mother. Have a good day!
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
well my mother was not cruel, far from it even, its just that she does not show any emotion or that care that i want a mother to show..like hugging me more, or kissing me or just that tender emotion every children seeks..well i do pray that things will change and i am changing things for my children.
@pinkpiglet (330)
• Philippines
19 Jul 11
I also have a dog&cat-like relationship with my mother. We argue often times. But I still think we can be friends. Because friends argue and fight too from time to time. And those fights result in even stronger relationships.
• Malaysia
19 Jul 11
Mothers come in many 'mould'. My mum is pretty conservative and traditional. She's not known for being affectionate openly, even to kids, but she's been a wonderful mother devoting herself to my siblings and i all her life. You just need to look at the things she does from the daily chores to raising you to the best of her ability. Mothers like mine are best judged by their action and sacrifices. What matters most is you appreciate the things she does for you and repay her in anyway possible. The generation gap could mean your mum and you have a different view as far as affection is concerned. What you to may agree is the level of devotion she has shown to her children all her life.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
20 Jul 11
I believe so, generation gap it is..the reason why we both cannot bond. I am high streak..and she hates me for it lol.. but i do acknowledge what she did for me as a child and how i grew up which was well was all because of her
