Fed up with extended family
By dorannmwin
@dorannmwin (36392)
United States
August 3, 2011 8:32pm CST
Okay, so as most of you know, my husband is going through chemo therapy. He has six treatments under his belt and six more to go. Hopefully he will be completely free of disease at that point.
Well, I've been going with him to his doctor's appointments and also to the chemo sessions because he is much more at ease when I'm with him. We also have our two children that I've had to find a babysitter for every other Friday through the entire summer and at least for one child every other Friday until the 14th of October.
Last session I didn't go with him to chemo because I couldn't find a babysitter for the kids. My mother-in-law is about 25 minutes away and wanted us to bring the kids up there before the chemo session and them pick them up immediately following, my mother couldn't get off of work and my sister just "didn't feel like it." Fast forward to this weeks session on Friday. Tom has a doctor's appointment and blood work at 8:00 and 9:00 am and chemotherapy to follow. I casually asked my sister if she and my sister-in-law (who is off work on maternity leave) would be able to watch the kids on Friday so I could go to the doctor's with him. Well, I called her today to make sure it was okay and she told me that she couldn't because she "has things to do."
This kind of stuff completely frustrates me because she doesn't have a job, stays at home all the time and won't keep the kids, even if I will pay her to do it when she said earlier in the week it should be fine. She told me "I would watch them if it was just a doctor's appointment or just chemo, but not for both because it takes all day."
I'm curious, do any of you get completely fed up with your family? If someone in your family was going through what Tom is going through, would you watch the kids (nieces, nephews, grandchildren) without any question? Would you place stipulations on watching the kids?
For me, no, I know that I wouldn't. I babysat my two oldest nieces for over two years as needed and then on a daily basis so that their mother could work as well as my brother. I charged them significantly less than market price, but did charge them something because I bought workbooks for the girls and also took them to swim lessons and just to the swimming pool as well as playgroups regularly.
2 people like this
14 responses
@marguicha (222974)
• Chile
7 Aug 11
Hi friend,
I´m so sorry you have all those problems. I have been acompanied by friends to all my chemos and even before I lost my hair, I had more knitted caps, each one more beautiful, brought by everone. Couldn´t your husband talk with her sister? Don´t you have friends nearby who could stay one day with the kids and another friend who´d do the same another day? Or mayb share the babysitter hours? My friends are not charching me for their help: its´just love.
I wish I was nearer.
@marguicha (222974)
• Chile
7 Aug 11
I´m sorry you don´t have friends to help you. I don´t know what I would do without them now as my two daughters work and have children to take care of.
Do you have sisters of your own nearby?
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
8 Aug 11
Just one sister and she is a little bit immature and selfish, she will help some of the time, but it seems like when I really need her she is not available.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
7 Aug 11
I actually don't have any friends that live nearby anymore. Now a year ago, I had a lot of friends that were close by, but in that time, I've tried to simplify my life to a certain extent and I've also had many friends that have moved.
@myfb2009 (8296)
• Malaysia
4 Aug 11
It is pity to hear that you don't have a good helping hands in your family. It do frustrated me if i came across this kind of situation and can't depends on my immediate family for help. If you are living nearby, i can offer to help babysit your children. I love children a lot and always helping my aunts to take are their children when she have doctor's appointment. Even both my parents and in-laws are very helpful and always helps me to take care my child when i have doctor's appointment.
@myfb2009 (8296)
• Malaysia
6 Aug 11
Yes, it is a pity that you are unable to have your good friends living nearby whom you can get an extended help. Most important now is, pray more for your husband recovery and also don't forget to pray to have a good helping hands. So, you can bring your hubby for the appointment without any problem. Hope to hear your news soon.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Aug 11
I actually wish that some of the great friends that I've made online lived close to me because I know that I wouldn't have a problem finding a sitter then. I guess I just lean on my family too much because I don't have a lot of friends that still live around here. My best friend moved to Texas three years ago and all of my other friends are at least 30 minutes away.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
7 Aug 11
The best idea that I have at this point in time is to call the Relay for Life office in our city and see if there is anything that they can do to help us out. It is a shot in the dark, but it is something that is worth trying.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
5 Aug 11
This is a very big problem when someone is ill for extended time. Many places have a childcare area where children can be safe until you can pick them up, some charge and some don't. Ask your health provider if there are any around. Medical treatment is often time consuming and in some places child care is provided. I'm sorry I don't remember how old your kids are. It is plane that your family resents haveing to assume this responsibility. No matter how unfair this is, that is just something you have to face. Ask for the Most Benevolent Outcome of this problem and see what happens, it sound like a good test of that prayer.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
7 Aug 11
You know, for the right person, that would be a great idea. I don't think that it is for me, at least not at this point in time because during the school year I would have to be able to be home in the afternoon to meet my daughter's bus.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
6 Aug 11
I wish that there was somewhere that I could take the kids and just drop them off, even if it cost something to have them watched for a while. However, there aren't any programs like that around here that I am familiar with. Now, once school starts back it will only be one kiddo that I will have to find a sitter for and that shouldn't be quite as bad.
@lumenmom (1986)
• United States
4 Aug 11
I completely understand what you are going through with your family. I have always been the one my family could count on for anything. That of course was when my health was better and I was working full time and had money to lend or give. I let them use my cars all the time (my sister demolished two of them), paid many bills and always kept kids. When I found myself in need, I was shocked at how my family treated me. Right now I cannot even get a ride to the grocer store or doctor (and they know how painful it is for me to walk, let alone carry groceries) and I dare not ask any of them to babysit my one daughter because they are so nasty to her. I taught my stepmother and sister how to make money online and even hooked my pc up in their house so they could have better online access. When my stepmother got her laptop, she would not let me use it to check one email, but let my sister's kids use it to play games. It became clear real quickly that I really don;t have much by way of family. Now, if I get any help at all it is through strangers. It did hurt at first, but now I see it for what it is and I accept it and move on. Yes family can be the ones who hurt you the most.
@lumenmom (1986)
• United States
5 Aug 11
You know it is hard to separate from family and as close as I thought I was to my sister, brother and even at one time to my stepmother, this last year I have not had much contact with any of them. No one could have told me I would go that long without contact. In that time I have experienced medical problems, homelessness and other financial issues but it still was better for me to stay away from them and their negativity and apathy toward me, my daughter and husband. We were only good enough for them when we could do things for them. I now talk to them and my sister even invited us to her son's birthday party (that was a shock) but I still am guarded and keep my distance. I don't think things will ever be the same between us again.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
6 Aug 11
I have started to separate myself from my siblings. However, when it comes to my mother, I will never be able to do that. However, my mother has always done what she could for us. She just couldn't take off work because one of her co-workers had scheduled vacation months ago. She wasn't even allowed to have called in sick.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Aug 11
What's really sad about the fact that family can be the people that hurt you the most is the fact that they are also the only ones that it is really difficult to break ties with. You know, if a friend does you wrong, you drop the friendship, but with family, they are always in your life in some way and it does hurt.
@bluespygirl (2112)
• Philippines
4 Aug 11
I am fed up with my own family too. I am not depending on them. It is just that, I feel as a family and parents, we should have a give and take relationship. In my case, I feel that I am the one who is always giving in terms of helping.
Given your situation, I would do anything I can to help even just to baby sit. I can't help financially but I know that I can help in some ways. I hope things in your family will be okay especially your husbands health
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Aug 11
You see, that is the thing that really gets me, I've not asked anyone to help us out financially through this. We had some money that my mother was holding for us from last year where we helped her out so she could get a new heating and airconditioning system in her house and we also took an early withdrawal out of Tom's IRA so that we would be able to get through, but I've not asked anyone for money that we would be borrowing. All I've asked for is some time and I really don't think that is asking for very much.
@lumenmom (1986)
• United States
5 Aug 11
You are right, it is not asking too much. Especially from your sister who is not working. People can be so self centered and forget where they have come from. Do you have any friends locally who can help you with your children? I have found that most of my help comes from friends, strangers and non profit organizations.
@bluespygirl (2112)
• Philippines
5 Aug 11
I'll be willing to help if we are just near. I am always willing to help friends who is in need.
@DIVINEPURPOSE (62)
• United States
8 Aug 11
Hello Dorannmwin,
First I want to say to be encouraged. I have been there. I kept a family members kids from babies all the way up until they were like 15. Now that I have my kids, I can't get them to keep mine to have me time or us time (me and hubby), so my husband and our personal time is (short)at night when they are asleep. Which is why I have to find work from home,the Plus side is it has allowed me to start my writing.I have learned to not put so much attention or focus in the people that don't want to help(I still love them but from a distance)I tell you all of this to say... "although it seems so hard,this is the place where you will find your strength and find out what you are made of). Be encourage....
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
8 Aug 11
Being at home with my children has also given me the opportunity to concentrate on writing in a way that I wouldn't be able to do otherwise. I think things knock me down regularly, but I am the person that can get back up and try again.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
9 Aug 11
Sometimes I really don't feel that strong, but I know that because of my family I have to trudge through all of the trials that I face in my life.
@DIVINEPURPOSE (62)
• United States
9 Aug 11
I think that it is great. Keep going, be encouraged. For the ones that won't God will send an angel that will. I had to comment on this post becasue it reminded me of myself, so I am able to comment only through experience. : ) You are a very strong lady and a inspiration!
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
4 Aug 11
I know how you feel, I have thoughts of cutting my family ties too (extended family ties). Anyhow, I wouldn't mind watching my nephew and niece, I have done that on several occasions when the parents both needed to work - or even when they just wanted to go for a date. It's nothing serious.
Anyhow, I got confused as to which 'sister' is acting out. Is it the pregnant sister-in-law? or your sister? If it's your sister-in-law then perhaps it's because of the pregnancy - you know hormones going about. But if it's your sister, I think she's just selfish and would't ask her any favor anymore and I would do the same with her at the time of need.
Could the sister-in-law watch them instead?
Hope all is well.
Have a great myLot experience!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Aug 11
It is my little sister that is acting out. My sister-in-law had said that she would help Shari to keep an eye on the kids until she had to go to her doctor's appointment tomorrow (she had the baby two weeks ago). However, my sister didn't want to deal with having the extra two kids in the house all day.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
4 Aug 11
She sounds completely selfish. I tend to understand when people say no to watching my kids. I have 5 of them, and they get crazy sometimes. But you only have 2, and it's not like they're super young or anything. Your youngest is like 3 or 4, right? I mean that's a fun age.. it would be nothing to watch him because he can play outside with supervision, watch tv, play board games and video games, and carry on conversations. I don't see how it's such a difficult thing to do.
Nobody ever asks me to babysit for them.. but if they did I would be okay with it.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Aug 11
You're right, Paul will be five in October and is really nothing at all to watch. He can keep himself entertained for hours with just a few Hotwheels or some legos. Kathryn is eight and is honestly pretty self-sufficient, but still too young to be left alone.
When they are at home or even at someone else's house really the only thing that they ever need is for someone to get them something to eat or to drink. Add this to the fact that their cousins would be there for them to play with since my brother and sister-in-law also live at my mother and sister's house.
@wongchoiyee (7413)
• Malaysia
4 Aug 11
Ooh that's very selfish and no loving heart she has. If I were there, sure I will help out. Don't be sad my friend. We fellow mylotters here understand that you need to take care the kids and see your hubby at the hospital.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Aug 11
The thing that makes me feel bad about the entire situation is that there are times that I feel like they aren't helping me out because they feel like I'm choosing my husband over my children and that is not the case at all. But, when it really boils down to it, a person cannot raise their children alone and that is the reason that I'm so concerned about Tom's well being in addition to the fact that I love him.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
4 Aug 11
looks to me like they would have a heart concidering all you are going through. thats just to much to handle alone. some day they will need support through some terrible time and im sure you will help but i would remind them of this time. because you have a good heart. obviously some in your family and his dont. 
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
6 Aug 11
No, even though they are hurting me, I still don't think that I would ever be able to tell them no because that is just not the kind of person that I am.
@gdesjardin (1918)
• United States
6 Aug 11
This is a hard one for me to answer. My sister lives up in Chicago and my in-laws all live out on the west coast...so, I have never really had to depend on any of them. I will say this, if my brother in law was going through the same thing as your husband, I would be up to Chicago in a heartbeat helping out their family as much as I could. Or, the kids would be coming down to Tennessee to stay with me. I have always put family first (back when we all lived close to one another). I had cancer back 8 years ago, and my sister was down here helping me as much as she could. My sis and I have always had each other's back and help out as much as our distance allows us.
I don't blame you for being fed up with your family...I would be too. They are close and it isn't like you are asking them to watch your kids while you spend a day at the spa. I am sorry, I wish I lived closer, I would watch your kids...mine are teenagers now, and I miss them being little :-(
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
6 Aug 11
Well, Tennessee isn't really that much too far to drive. LOL.
It is great to know that if all of the friends that I've made on mylot lived in a bubble I wouldn't have too much trouble finding someone to watch the kids.
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
7 Aug 11
You would think that in times of trouble, or family health issues, the only people you could rely on is (the extended) family. Apparently not in your case. I guess they have more important things to do, than deal with a few hours watching children while their dad gets chemo.
I think they are very selfish!
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
7 Aug 11
I agree that you would think that would be the case. I know that I am always the one that my family turns to. However, when the tables are turned the situation is definitely not the same.
@randylovesdar (4932)
• United States
4 Aug 11
I wish I lived closer so I could babysit. Of course I would not have asked for any money. All I would hav asked for is a number I could reach you at for an extreme emegency and also a list of things the kids can and cannot eat. I think it is terrible that family will not help family.
I know when my late mother-in-law had been terminally ill I had bent over backwards to take care of her. I went to her doctor's apppoinments, always had a list of every medication she was taking and would always bring it with us o her appointments so the doctor did not have to call her immediate doctor to ask. I never asked for money. I remember when she was in the hopsital my husband and I always talked to the doctor and then we discussed everythig with my mother-in-law. My sister-in-law would get upset because she felt that we should have kept what the doctor said a secret.
I think it is terrible that nobody in your family would help out when you need it. I am almost guessing that if they need your help they expect you to drop everything.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Aug 11
You would definitely be right in guessing that if they needed something from me they would expect me to drop everything and come to their beck and call immediately. Been there and done that.
I didn't even mention the fact that last year at Christmas my sister hadn't gotten her unemployment yet and I offered to let her do her Christmas shopping with my Amazon account because of the fact that I had a large gift card balance that I wasn't using.
@QeeGood (1213)
• Sweden
4 Aug 11
I would say if I was asked and informed what was going on with my family members and extended family I am there for them. I've offered myself many a time to be a helping hand. I'm the giver of altrustic gestures.
But I've been in my own situation asking for help and the answer was; 'I'm busy, sorry.Hope you can worked it out'.
I've been ignored and rejected many times, when I really needed help with my disabled son.
I do hope things will go well for you, your husband and your children.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
4 Aug 11
So far as far as my husband getting better, it seems to be working. However, all of this juggling with the kids and such has been difficult on both them and myself. It is quite hard to deal with and the lack of help makes things even worse. You know I've got on friend that would have watched the kids, but she is working a temporary job right now and I couldn't replace the money that she'd be losing if she took off to babysit for me.
