...friend accused me of having no stand
By jeanneyvonne
@jeanneyvonne (5501)
Philippines
August 10, 2011 5:43am CST
Here's the story: Two of my friends got angry with each other and our circle of friends are feeling the effects of their estrangement. My friends who were not part of the argument coaxed me to mediate on behalf of others since I was considered as the most level-headed and objective of the group. I asked the one party their side of the story and I asked the other friend her side. She must have been very upset or angry recuse she told me that I was being not very supportive because I didn't take a stand. She goes telling me that I am a a coward since I never take sides or even choose for myself.
I was very shocked and I guess, it took five minutes for me to recover. I responded that I was only trying my best to fix things and I didn't think that my objectivity will get in the way. Before she could respond, I fled becuase what she said really hurt me and I don't want to say things that I might regret. From that point on, I cut all my communication from both parties since I don't want my issue to be the issue of the group. As for now, I don't know what to feel or say since my feelings are in a whirl.
I don't why but I feel guilty. Perhaps, my objectivity did cloud my judgement with regards to my friend and resulted in being not a supportive friend. I don't want to make the issue more worse but I always pride myself of being as objective as much as possible. I didn't know I could hurt someone by doing that.
I badly need advice. I don't know how to fix this mess.
6 responses
@toniganzon (72532)
• Philippines
11 Aug 11
I couldn't judge you here nor your friends at all because i don't know everything in the story. It could be that you were doing what was right according to your own principles but to them being friends is more than just that.
YOu are right in being a mediator and in hearing both parties. But upon hearing both sides of the stories what verdict did you reached to? Did you try to tell them that they are both at fault and just resolve the matter because you don't want to loose them both? Or you just listened with making decisions at all?
@jeanneyvonne (5501)
• Philippines
11 Aug 11
I am leaning partially to the other sides (not the friend who accused me) but I didn't express it becuase I think that will make the problem worse. My job was to make them talk to each other and clear up this mess. Obviously, the accuser friend didn't want to take my advice to talk things through. But i am hoping that things will clear up and we all stay friends.
@toniganzon (72532)
• Philippines
11 Aug 11
NOw i see why that other person got mad at you. Next time it happens please try to talk to them both at the same time. If the other person is not willing to settle. Then let them cool down but never listen to the other first.
I had that experience before and what i did was to tell them both that i'd like to meet them. I heard both of them and i didn't take sides but i was very firm in telling them that both made a point and both are at fault. So they should settle it themselves if they can't afford losing each other or losing me.
If your friend respects you, that friend will understand you.
@surfer222 (1714)
• Indonesia
10 Aug 11
i think you already do your best to heal your friendship and i think your friend who told you that you have no stand is actually want you to be on their side, but i think you make a right decision by being in the middle and not take a side. Remember one of the pirates of the caribbean end scene when the commodore yell to Orlando Bloom that he forget his place and Orlando Bloom reply to him "I'm right here, between you and Jack". I think you already have a stand which is between your friends and if your friend ever ask you that again you should explain it that your stand is in the middle between your friends.
@icats64 (43)
• United States
10 Aug 11
You take a "stand" by getting both sides of the story. When two friends ar arguing the best advice is don't get in the middle, don't choose sides, and let them resolve their issues on their own. You can be friends with both but let them know that you won't choose sides. For instance, my husband has been furious at his sister for about five years. She was in the wrong and I understand why he is upset. My mother-in-law, during these years kept wanting me to tell my husband to get along with his sister. I told her the best thing to do is stay out of it as I am because the arguement is between them. Now my husband is beginning to speak to his sister.
No matter what, people are going to have differences with each other. The best thing to do is tell your friends, I love you both as friends but you need to resolve the arguement between yourselves and don't ask your friends to choose sides.
@jeanneyvonne (5501)
• Philippines
11 Aug 11
@surfer22. That's the reason why I feel guilty. I thought that I didn't support her and she thinks that its unfair that I don't. I want to support all my friends but I can't readily decide who I will support if they are on opposing sides.
2icats64. Thanks for the advice. I hope this gets resolved soon. My other friends are asking if I picked a fight already with one of the sides. I just told them I need some space.
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
10 Aug 11
But sometimes you can be a more supportive friend by not taking sides. I think your friend would be hurt that you didn't automatically take their side, but it's not reasonable to expect your friends to always think you are right. You can be supportive without taking sides, but some people have trouble realizing this. Just explain that you are still good friends, you just are also friends with the other person and would rather stay out of situations.
@jeanneyvonne (5501)
• Philippines
11 Aug 11
I guess my friend just want to have someone beside her to comfort her in this particular time. And she didn't feel that from others and me...and she lashed those emotions when I tried to talk to her. I don't blame her but I understand if she don't want to be pressured into reconciliation but there's no need to accuse someone whose intention is trying to help both sides.
@mensab (4200)
• Philippines
10 Aug 11
objectivity is expected to make us feel neutral. once we feel something towards one, as you said, it may cloud judgement and lose our objectivity. when our dear ones are involved, it is very hard to be objective. but you attempted, and i commended you for that. it was a great effort on your part. and i could sense the pressure on you. it must have been hard. you can explain to your friend. of course, she will listen and understand you. that's what friends are for.
@jeanneyvonne (5501)
• Philippines
11 Aug 11
I just hope she has the time she needed to clear her mind becuase that's what I'm doing right now. Thanks for understanding the pressure- I am always the go-to person when somebody is in need of advice. I never thought that my friends would treat me like a free psychiatrist (smirk), though I don't have a degree in that field. Hope this ends soon.
@keithgwapz (188)
• Philippines
10 Aug 11
i believe what you did was the best thing to do and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.. i mean you were just trying to help out.. i believe the best thing to do is let them handle it on their own since you've already tried your best.. i mean, if your friend doesn't understand you, so be it.. it doesn't though you don't care though, but will help out by not aggravating more problems..
@jeanneyvonne (5501)
• Philippines
11 Aug 11
Aggravating the problem is what I'm trying to avoid. If they don't want to talk, I guess I cannot force them but at least, I am not creating another ruse to an already big mess. Hope everybody will be back together and forget this episode.
@minomarimat (372)
• Philippines
11 Aug 11
That's quite a situation you got. I've been there; it is hard to be at a neutral zone, and between two parties which are both close to your heart at that! I do agree that there's nothing wrong with not having a stand on either of the two sides, but I applaud you for trying your best to fix the mess. Have you tried talking to both separately? I mean, not talking them out of the misunderstanding, but knowing each's side of the story first, then let them understand what one haven't.
Update us about this alright? Hope you and your friends will be alright again soon. :)
@jeanneyvonne (5501)
• Philippines
11 Aug 11
I talked to them separately to air their own sides. I wasn't really involved at first but the other friends gave me a reliable account of what happened. The problem started when one of the sides started accusing me of being too objective and not being supportive. I don't want this to be another issue so I stayed quiet for the time being.
