making mistakes and learning from them 2

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When my father molested me...i was little. it started when i was young i dont remember what happened just bits and peices but those memories i wish i didn't have them. i can recall that day quite vividly..i was 13 and walking home from school(I missed the bus) which was quite far(25miles to be exact) I u are to read this, Im sorry but i dont want no one to feel sorry for me ok..so i was walking home and i was just about 5 or so blocks from my house when a police car came to me and asked me what i was doing and if i wanted a ride. i was tired and hungry.so i got in and they took me home. on the ride to my house, one of them asked me a lot of questions. one of the questions was did my father touch me so i broke down and cried because i was scared he was gonna pop up somewhere and spank me. yes! i was frightened of his spanking, they hurt and ive got scars to prove it! and then they asked if there were other kids at the house and i said yes and right away i suppose he sped at that moment...I remember everything...my mom was outside and so was my dad(I call him my dad because ive known him my whole life but technechly hes my step-dad, i was adopted at 3 wks) he was trying to get the goat untangled from the tree he was tied to..when i got out of the car my dad looked at me and he nodded his head...like he knew what i did( icant stop crying or shaking, does this mean i didnt forgive him or does it mean im didnt forgive myselff? what does it mean???? after they confirmed who he was they took him away. But not before this. he came to me and asked me to forgive him. he cried too...like he ws hurt. He said he was sorry. i dont know y my mother let it happen. i love my mom, i hold no hard feelings toward her or anything but she coulve stoped it but she didn't. we told her for yrs but she was in complete denial. she didnt want to believe us. and then he was gone. My baby sister Maria was just 8 mo, she didn't get to know him, I took that all away and now because of what i did to my family, ifeel this burden that will never lift. Life, after that, was very hard for us. My mother struggled trying to raise 8 kids on her own, of corse she had government assistance but it was still hard. My mom didnt want me anymore so i ran away. i didnt know what to do, i think i felt lost. so i was put in foster care and that didnt end well i was molested there too so i went back home..where i was made into a slave. I has to do everything my mom told me to do as punishment she make me bury my hand in HOT water, id get beat almost everyday. some days i felt like killing myself but i didnt. My older sister didnt do a thing to stop her until one day she had just about enough. she ws in the middle of spanking me(with a vacum cord) and she came in and grabbed it from her and she said 'UR NOT GONNA SPANK HER NO MORE' and she started hitting my mom with it. she said i was bleeding everywhere...and after that day my mom never lifted a hand to me! and my sbbs became my mother that day! we became inseperable that day! and before that day too, it seems. she tells me stories here and there about what happened between daddy and i...she ssaid she interrupted him sometimes. she told me there were days that she would walk in and see him touching me, and when hed se her, he'd stop what he was doing. I did go to cancelling in school but i dont think that did anything for me. I was REAL quiet and shy and didnt make friends. the only friend was my sister! and she still is! Right now my dad is in Mexico and im not afraid of him. Im teaching my girls a valueable lesson here.They are...Lina is cuz myra is not old enough, but when she is im going to enroll her in self defence classes. Last year, my nephew tried to touch her and she kicked him-right in his man parts! gabby got really mad at me and didnt talk to me. I told her what happened and she didnt say anything. I always tell her if anyone touches u here or there..tell him to stop, if he dont stop kick him really hard between his legs. she she remembered! Im sooooo glad i told her and so proud of her! We dont see my sisters but when they come over i dont leave the room. i know she'll do the right thing, but one can never be too carefull! I do believe he wont hurt me again or my girls. But im not taking any chances here. so thats my big secret! i was molested for 10 yrs maybe longer. and im fine now. i still cry when i talk about it...but thats ok. i will be fine!