My friend's decision
By buddha3
@buddha3 (1026)
India
August 27, 2011 12:55pm CST
Frenz, I am very sad and hurt today:( I can't stop my tears..
I just thought I should share it here in mylot so I can get some views, advice and consolation.
I am doing my MBA course and in just 2 months I earned very close and lovely friends. One among them- a lively, goodhearted girl and a great human being has decided to drop out and get married..Well that may not be bad considering she already has a Masters in Social Science and is 22 years old. It would have been a normal thing if she had decided to marry willingly.
But she is getting married to make her parents happy! Believe me, she hasn't met with the guy she is going to marry..! It used to happen in my parents' time but in this modern age I just can't digest it.
Her parents are being pressurized by her grandparents for this. In India people are always concerned about marrying their daughters off as early as possible. Whatever the culture or tradition may be, but I don't think in this modern age they should force their children into something that they don't want to do.
I am feeling very bad for her but at the same time I salute her and her courageous heart that is ready to sacrifice her wishes for her parents' happiness!! she says " u can't think about only YOU, YOU AND YOU ALWAYS..SOMETIMES YOU FEEL GREAT TO SEE OTHERS HAPPY, SPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE YOUR PARENTS"...
What do you think my friends? your views please,,,
I am broken and my heart is very heavy as I am losing the company of a lovely person:(
I can just pray for her and her bright future..I just console myself thinking "maybe she has something very good in store for her in future..maybe GOD has better and greater life for her" ..may her hubby be the best guy who could ever be in her life:)
7 responses
@mammots (3209)
• Philippines
7 Oct 11
your heart was very heavy and broken when your friend decided to marry somebody she has not even met yet... you felt very sad and hurt and you couldn't stop your tears for your friend...its very obvious that she was very special for you. i am just wondering if you were able to let her know how you felt about her decision?
@buddha3 (1026)
• India
7 Oct 11
Yes. I let her know. And that is when we discussed all these things and she explained to me her situation. She said she didn't like what she was doing but had no other choice. That is what is the situation in most of the families here in India. She is praying that the guy rejects her. We all are now in different places of India for our field work. So he the guy is expected to meet her in December. We would know what happens then.
@buddha3 (1026)
• India
11 Oct 11
what?!?!?! hey, no!
You got it all wrong. There is no relationship between us except for friendship. It's just that her nature is very good and we became good friends in less time. I just felt bad for her because she was going against her own wish for the sake of her parents.
@enaid_osnam (99)
• Philippines
28 Aug 11
Is your friend really aware of all the consequences? Forced marriages can become really unsuccessful if both partners do no like/love each other, are not ready on the different aspects (mentally, financially,etc.) and if they do not know each other at all. I know that it is a common indian tradition but if your friend does not want this then she can definitely speak her heart out and decide for herself because she has the right to. I am sure if she does, her family would understand if they truly love her. Would her parents really be happy if they find out that their daughter is not happy in any way about this? I think you should talk to your friend because marriage is a serious matter. She doesn't have to if she doesn't want to
@buddha3 (1026)
• India
28 Aug 11
I talked to her about it hundreds of times and in many ways. She is not ready to listen. you know this decision was made in just 1 day by this girl..am really shocked. Cos i don't think anybody can take such a decision in 1 day!!
There are lot of complications involved in this..her father's health, family's pressure etc, But i know that she is not mentally prepared for this marriage and she doesn't want to..
I also told her to speak her heart out to all the concerned people in a polite way so they can understand. But she doesn't want to do that either. She says she doesn't have anything against her parents to say. She thinks she shouldn't be a burden on her parents and help them finish off their so-called responsibility!
@dreamy1 (3811)
• United States
28 Aug 11
If you've already talked to her hundreds of times about it then stop. She's going to do what she's doing to do and talking to her 101 times isn't going to change her mind so stop making yourself miserable over it. You tried she didn't listen you can do no more.
@enaid_osnam (99)
• Philippines
28 Aug 11
Well it is really complicated now. I admire your friend. She is a brave woman and she is also very noble to give up her wants for the happiness of her family. It is also very unselfish of her to follow her parents just so that she will not be a burden. Since it is difficult to convince her to go otherwise then let us pray for the success of her marriage and may she be in good hands. I hope her husband gives her a chance to fulfill her other dreams and may she stay happy forever.
@dreamy1 (3811)
• United States
27 Aug 11
Why can't you keep in touch with her? She is just getting married she's not dying. It's her business what she wants to do if she feels she is doing it for the right reasons and her mind is made up there's nothing anyone can do about it. Wish her well. If it works out it works out if it doesn't oh well there are other options to consider. She has to live her life for herself and not other people. She's a grown woman and can make her own decisions. If it's not for her she will make a change.
@oXAquaXo (607)
• United States
28 Aug 11
I think that the poster was only saying that, as her friend, she is concerned for her. And that's perfectly fine. If I had a friend that was being married off against her will, I'd be pretty concerned as well. She isn't proposing a secret plan to steal away her friend and never go back to her parents again. She's only letting out her feelings and seeing if anyone had any advice on the situation.
This is not saying I agree with her friend's choices. I completely agree that it was wrong of her to marry this man just to please her parents. So as her friend, maybe she needs to give her some advice. But in the end, this is her friend's battle, and that's that.
@buddha3 (1026)
• India
28 Aug 11
DREAMY, i understand what u say. It's her business..but we are humans and we have feelings. When I know that she is not happy with her own decision, it irks me.
Anyway, as us said, it's her life and good or bad she must accept it. I just hope it's happening for her good.
AQUA, you got it perfectly right. It's my concern. If she was getting married willingly with a guy of her choice, I would've been very happy for her. I tried making her think again but her mind is made up. She has other problems at home and she has considered all that and decided.
@blademaiden (734)
• Romania
1 Oct 11
It seems to me that she has no other choice. She hasn't found any job in her field, her parents are not willing to support her financially anymore and they are forced by her grandparents to take marry her, so the only thing she could do was to comply with the rules set by her family. She just isn't strong enough to take her life into her own hands, because of the lack of money and because of the fact that the culture she was brought up into doesn't value a woman's independence.
@buddha3 (1026)
• India
2 Oct 11
Well it's not about job. If she tries, it's not tough for her to get a good job. But she wants to study now and that's why she has joined for MBA course. It's just the matter of culture, tradition and the society that is causing her parents to force her into marriage:(
@stary1 (6612)
• United States
28 Aug 11
This is indeed sad and I can see you are feeling pain for your friend. I am sure you want what is the best for her and it's hard to imagine this is best. Still maybe it is possible they will fall in love and be happy? I have heard it does happen in some arranged marriages. We can hope and pray it happens for your friend.
In the meantime you can stand by her and be a friend to her in her good times and not so good times if that happens
@buddha3 (1026)
• India
28 Aug 11
Thanks Stary:)
yes it's difficult to imagine this is best. But also, as you said, it happens in arranged marriages that the partners fall in luv after marriage and stay together happily till the end. My parents also had an arranged marriage and in India it's common. But she hasn't even seen him and that's strange.
And yes I will be her friend and stand by her at all times:)
@cattychristina (57)
• China
28 Aug 11
After looking your topic, I felt sad too. That kind of case not only happen in India but also in China. However, I happy to say that the situation is getting better. As the others said it is her business, we can't change.
I don't know her character and I don't know if she had told her parents she did't want to get married. I think everyone should fight for happiness by his/her own hands. If she never told her parents she did't want to, I think she should do the right thing right now. Parents love their childs, I think they will understand her.
@buddha3 (1026)
• India
28 Aug 11
Yes, the situation is getting better here too. But this was a strange and shocking case for me..my friend is well educated and a broadminded girl and yet she is taking such a decision. And she is showing off as nothing has happened!! trying to be cheerful but i can see the pain in her eyes:(
I just wish she lets her heart out to her parents in an effective way. Because they don't seem to too conservative a family, they may listen to her. But this girl has just surrendered herself..I don't know what to say but I get mixed feelings for her. Respect and sympathy..
@oXAquaXo (607)
• United States
28 Aug 11
Buddha3,
I understand your pain. Unfortunately, I think she misunderstands the concept of "making people happy". Sure, it's nice to make people happy once in a while...buying presents, doing them a favor, etc. But MARRYING someone just to make her parents "happy", that takes it to a while new level. And I guess her parents have a misunderstanding of "happiness" as well. If you enjoy seeing your daughter married off early to someone she doesn't know against her will, then that's pretty messed up. If you think you'll be "happy" once you see your daughter married to someone you chose, that's so wrong. She thinks she's making her parents happy, but really, she's just enforcing that wrong perception of what is good and bad in life.
I'm sorry about your friend, and I do wish she would fight back. We should all be in control of our own lives. But I think this is her battle, and that we should all keep to our own business. Anyway, I hope you can still keep in contact with her!
Happy mylotting, and good luck!
@buddha3 (1026)
• India
28 Aug 11
YOU ARE JUST BANG ON my dear friend:) everything you said is right and you understood my feelings very well, point to point.
Can you imagine, she hasn't even seen that guy, forget about meeting or talking!!
She says she is not interested but she would do whatever her parents say..I can clearly see that she has surrendered herself to her FATE:( but she is very strong and lively girl..hope all would turn out well for her and maybe that guy is the best for her:)
As you said, it's her battle and when she has chosen to battle it out, we can't do much but to keep in touch and support her and see her being happy throughout her life:)
I am just praying for her:)
Thank you so much for your great response dear AQUA:)
cheers
