As a Stepparent, how do you feel you fit in, in your step child's life?

United States
September 14, 2011 7:11pm CST
I have been a stepMom for nearly 8 years now. I have never tried to replace his mother. Am I a parent? Yes! His mother gave birth to him, that bond is sacred, but it doesn't mean that I do not mean anything to him. His father has sole custody and he visits his mother every other weekend and every other holiday, with non-court appointed supervision. However, we tried desperately for years to keep her included in things BECAUSE she's his mother. It always came back to bite us in the tush. Finally our lawyer said we had to follow the guidelines strictly, for our sanity's sake. It's only been a month. I felt guilty having to provide the proper documentation to his doctor's offices and school, but she was interfering with his mental health and ours. Everything became focused on her and not her child. I still find myself wanting to share things with her. Little things that he says or does. Even though I know she'll eventually stab me in the back for my kindness. I want her to be able to let go of her jealousy and have a cordial relationship with me, so she can keep up to date with his life. I'm his stepMom. He calls me by my first name and I don't mind at all. I love him and want what is best for him. We run our household as a family unit. We do not pretend that I am his biological mother, but I do play an active role in his healthcare. I attend his mental and physical health appointments. I attend his school functions. I go to open house on the first week of school. I am proud to be his stepMom, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done.
1 person likes this
4 responses
Zamara69
@Zamara69 (130)
• United States
15 Sep 11
It is great how you want to share things with your stepson's mother, you have a kind heart. I was in your shoes 9 years ago. Yes, eventually she will back stab you. I was wanting a relationship with my stepdaughters biological mother. Like you I wanted to share my stepdaughter and be her mother's friend as well. I had to stop being a friend to her mother and become a mother that I am to my stepdaughter. I had to build my relationship with my stepdaughter and not with her mother. I had to see the bigger picture..am I here to be friends with her mother or am I here to mold and love my daughter?
suspenseful
@suspenseful (40192)
• Canada
15 Sep 11
I am not a stepparent, yet. I have not met that nice widower who wants to marry me and does not want to marry a younger woman. A couple o;friends of mine are step parents but they married their husbands who were widowers at the time, so it might not be the same thing and the children regard them as their real mother. I am an adopted parent and when the boys were young, often felt that I was not a real mother because could not nurse them when they were babies even though I tried and of course there were those stories of mothers who had lost their chidden when they were babies and yet when they saw them twenty years later were able to say that they knew they were their lost babies, etrc. because there was this mystic connection. There is this feeling that if we do not give birth, we are not the real mothers, but we are. The trouble is that sometimes the information we get as to who is the real mother makes it even harder. I know years ago when adoption was praised back before the mid 60s and when stepparents were allowed to discipline the step children, there was not this problem.
gloryacam
@gloryacam (5540)
• Philippines
15 Sep 11
That's really admirable for you, especially trying to keep her in his life knowing that she is and always will be his biological mother. It's a pity, though, that she does not appreciate your good efforts. Well, if you keep a good relation with your stepson, he will always cling on to that truth, instead of gullibly believing whatever his mom will tell him against you. I also have a friend who's in the same boat as you are, but, things are a bit better for her. Her stepson was abandoned by the mom, and so the court granted her petition for adoption. He's now officially hers, and they're all happy now. I wish that things will always be good for all of you.
jeztrose
@jeztrose (1405)
• Philippines
15 Sep 11
wow! GREAT! you are indeed a good person..being a step mother is a hard task i think and it be harder for you if the child doesn't want you at all and don't even give chances for you to show your love and concern..i salute you for not giving up on him..but i guess it is also hard for the child to adjust and accept all.. just keep on trying..we'll never know..time will come that he will understand it and will accept you.. keep it up and have faith..