family coming between relationship
@xmichelletarax (370)
United States
September 14, 2011 7:20pm CST
I have been with my boyfriend for a long time now and his family has never really liked me. I have never been anything but nice to them but for some reason they always seem to come up with some reason to complain about me.
However recently it has gotten soo much worse. His mother who he doesnt live with and really shouldn't tell him what he can and cant do has been demanding his presence at her house which is over 45 minutes away then she complains that he doesnt have a job and doesnt do anything, which isnt true he does a lot of side jobs like logging to bring in money but in her eyes nothing is good enough. but how is he supposed to have a real job when she is CONSTANTLY demanding he do something for her.
I have no clue why he doesnt just tell her no but he wont tell her no and its driving me nuts because it seems like she always wants him when we have something planed.
then there are nights like last night and tonight where we have nothing planned, last night she called and said there was a family emergency and he needed to get to her house (ok family emergency i understand) turns out his brothers girlfriend is using drugs and his brother lost it and they wanted him to go calm his brother down (ok i still understand) but then to say that i cant go... first off its MY car that he is taking up there. its MY car he is RUNNING OUT of gas when i dont have money to get more. its MY car that i HATE him taking alone at night because he drives like a LUNATIC and i have severe anxiety so i worry ALOT. but if its that big of a deal its whatever... then he gets there and his brother WASNT EVEN THERE!!! then when i called up to talk to him because i have been really sick and i thought i might have to go back to the ER his mom had the NERVE to tell me he never even made it up there... this was over 3 hours after he left... come to find out he WAS there the whole time she just didnt want him to leave even after i told her i needed MY car to get to the ER.
then there is tonight... he just got a call that his brother seen his girlfriend in town with another guy and now noone can find him and they are worried. sooooo off he goes again in MY car which is now just about OUT of gas, to go up to his friends house where his brother MIGHT be going. but he has no clue when his brother is going to get there. and its all up to him to calm his brother down. not that big of a deal but again i am stuck home because i am not "allowed" to go, when im sick and not supposed to be alone because if something happens i need someone here to shove my pills down my throat.
on top of all that he has been in a constant bad mood because of his family and instead of telling them he comes home and flips out on me like im the bad guy.
his mother tried to get him to leave me by paying for an all expense payed trip to college in another state and her one condition was that i was not allowed to go with him.
we are soo far behind on EVERYTHING because all our money goes to gas to getting him around because when he isnt "needed" he wants to go hang out. its like ok well your girlfriend doesnt matter at all and the fact that there is now NO insurance on her car soo doesnt matter at all.
his mother just drives me crazy by talking bad and constantly haveing to say something about us. hello woman he is free white and over the age of 21 butt out just a little. but ofcorse im not alowed to say anything bad back to her or he gets upset with me even though she can sit there and insult me all night long.
before his mother started getting involved everything was perfect but its going down hill quick and i dont know what to do anymore. i really dont want to lose him but im beggining to think that even though i havent actually lost him i have in a way. i have no clue if you know what im saying. sorry to rant but i needed to get it out
how can i get his mother to back off a little and get him to understand my point and have any of you been in a simlar situation?
1 person likes this
4 responses
@knicnax (2233)
• Philippines
15 Sep 11
Ahhh, the typical mother-in-law. I don't know what to say, I'm not to give any advice because 1. I don't have a mother in law 2. My bf's mum isn't acting that way (yet) 3. You're ranting and I know you don't want advice, just someone who'll listen and understand,
So here we are, listening to you, and I'm with you on his one sister. I know that women have crazy minds but I don't know what kind of crazy goes on in a mother-in-law's mind. A lot of women have this problem. Seriously, some mothers can't get over the fact that her son is a grown man and has another woman in his life, that she's not the priority any more. These mothers become mother-in-laws from hell. haha
1 person likes this
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
15 Sep 11
hahaha thank you for that. its so true
2 people like this
ladygator, thanks. I'm flattered 
@sanjana_aslam (4187)
• Malaysia
15 Sep 11
hi xm
Your husband is in more difficult situation then you are. He is split between duties and responsibility. He is split between mother and wife. It is difficult for him to decide who comes first. At this time the best thing for you to do is be at his side at all times. Share his responsibility to his family, this will make him view you differently. Dont just allow him to visit his family alone, be there with him and help out. Think of your mother in law as your mother .... do your duties
My mother always thought me ... how will you feel when your own kids do not visit you once you are in the same shoes as your mother in law.
I have been in the situation .... i was able to marry my hubby only after 16 years because she did not allow our marriage, until todate i am not welcomed.
Be cool dear ...
1 person likes this
@sanjana_aslam (4187)
• Malaysia
15 Sep 11
dont allow that gap between you and him ... as it will allow him to choose her for you. As you are always there, he will always think of you being there. If you give the opportunity then she will use that. eg. If you are not at his side then she will tell him such things like 'you see she does not even want to come and see me"
If you love him, that is all counts as he will be the best husband whenever he is beside you in private. Otherwise if you doubt your love for him and your private moments together, then make the right choice
For me, my husband is the greatest man when he is with me ... there are no one like him in the universe. But when the topic of his parents comes about, we do argue a little. And he does not care much for my family .... As i said earlier, he is mine and only mine when i am with him alone .... Furthermore, the parents wont be around until the end of our lives ....
cheers
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
15 Sep 11
i have tried over and over to stand by his side and go see his mother but she doesnt want me around and says im a bad influence because i got arrested when i was 13. i know it is diffucult to be in his place right now but as much as i try to understand his family and him makes it possible. i dont want him to chose between his mother and myself but she is MAKING him choose, not me and i just dont know what to do anymore.
1 person likes this
@ladygator (3465)
• United States
15 Sep 11
I would have a serious heart to heart with him and maybe talk to his mom, find out what the deal is. He might actually be complaining about you and the problems in the relationship. I would really want to know what her reasons are for not liking you and not letting you be around. And as for him taking your car all the time, I would really put my foot down on that. Tell him No he cant have it. And if it continues I think it really is time for you to move on. Its not fair for you to be unhappy. You deserve to be happy and have a positive relationship.
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
15 Sep 11
i try and try, he hates to talk says hes not good at it. :/ his mom wont talk to me really, juust says im a bad influence on him because i got in trouble when i was 13. and because he told her he wouldnt take her money to go to college in another state if he had to leave me here instead we are working on saving the money to move out together. it upsets her that he lives 45 minutes away so he isnt there doing everything for her 24 7. as for my car im really about to but i dont want to tell him he cant see his family because thats his only transportation. i dont want to end it with him because before his mother got involved everything was perfect and im hopeing that when we move for him to go to college it will get better becausew we will be 10 hoursw away and he wont just be able to jump in the car and go.
@ladygator (3465)
• United States
15 Sep 11
Well that is a hard place for you to be in. When a person feels put aside, especially in a relationship it makes things really tough. I understand about not being able to communicate effectively with your partner. I hope you guys can get moved further away so that the two of you can work on your bond. Have you reminded him about how great things were before? And how did this become an issue now? I would try very hard to explain how much you love him and miss the times that you were closer. When you guys talk about things try to explain how you are feeling with out pointing what he is doing. I hope you guys can get things back to how they were, but dont settle for a life that is making you so unhappy. Life is way to short and full of so many good things for you to be happy about. I wish you the very best in this!
@jeztrose (1405)
• Philippines
15 Sep 11
hello michelle...
i guess you have a hard time on your situation.. i know it's not easy to handle that and your mother in law has a strong bond with your husband and that is the hardest thing on that you cannot just easily say to your husband not to worry on his family..since you have said that you already talk to your husband about that and nothing happens instead he just gets angry more.. her mother also doesn't want to talk with you.. then you have no choice but to hold on..go with the flow,your husband also is having problems on that i guess..since you don't want to let him go,it's up to you.. i guess time will come that his mother will accept everything about you..
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
15 Sep 11
either she will accept it or get over herself hopefully. :)
