Did you grow up with only half your family?
By SomeCowgirl
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
United States
September 15, 2011 8:01am CST
This is the third attempt at writing this as I am not sure how to completely write this without giving away too much detail that you don't need to know. Either way I feel you may judge me or make assumptions and be rude.
From a young age, I was kind of "brainwashed" I guess you could say, into not liking my father's side of the family. I've been confused my whole life and I guess I always will be. I've made attempts to talk to him, maybe poor attempts, etc, but I've made attempts.
He's not called me back since that last discussion I've made. I am his only child, atleast as far as I am aware. I'm not saying my dad's a bad person, or anything, and that he would have more then one child out there, I just don't know him all that well.
I've talked to people I trust about this, and they say that my dad does love me... and I mean I believe my dad does, but our relationship has been strained so much, and he's set in his ways so much, so am I, that I don't think we can ever truly be a father and daughter.
When I have a child, I'll call him to let him know, I'll let him see the child.. but well I don't know that we will ever have a father / daughter relationship.
My whole life, I've either relied on the women in my family, or gone to my grandfather for advice, or just learned from myself / relied on myself.
Do you have a strained relationship with a relative?
Did you grow up with not knowing one side of your family all that well?
2 people like this
14 responses
@waflay (2737)
• Nairobi, Kenya
15 Sep 11
Hi,in my part I grew up with my mother and learned ways of our mother. As for my father, he was working away from us and only came home for a short time, mostly a month or less before he goes away for another full year. To be frank, its so strange that he don't know and we don't know how to behave or what he expect from us, we live like strangers- hardly know each other. There was a time I moved to his place, it was not easy for me, trying to do things mother's way but everything I did went negative on my father's view... saying that I have no respect for him and other hurting words blaming mum for everything.
By the time he retired from his job and came home, he had no one to talk to in our family. My brothers always wanted to be away from him, we lacked stories we can share with him because we did not know what would be his take. Nowadays, that rift is there and it will always be there unless he changes his way of thinking.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
15 Sep 11
"Unless he changes his way of thinking".
I am not putting up for your father, but from my point of view of what you said it's hard on everyone, including your father. HE SHOULD NOT have blamed your mother for the way you were raised and the things you did / acted around him BUT he could not have been the sole person to make the decision of him travelling for work. That is to say, that he must have discussed it with your mother and your mother agreed...
Of course I know cultures are different, and so this may not be the case at all. I understand that you are now feeling negative towards him and not sure how to act around him, but he may be feeling the same way and most likely is feeling the same way. He may be angry / quiet around you all but it may be becuase he expects you all to be the first to communicate etc to make things better.
Not fair, but it may be what is going through his mind. I hope that maybe one day you all can talk things through, but I think the best thing to do is to ask questions like why did he go so far away for work, and why couldn't he have stayed. Be partial to it, realize there must have been a good reason. Sure there are years you will not get back, stories you may never be able to tell, but if you can TRY.
Of course, maybe I should eat my own words and try, but there are things i can't say here on this site, or won't say here on this site that is causing me not to talk to my own father.
@waflay (2737)
• Nairobi, Kenya
15 Sep 11
We fear him because of his short temper and the worst thing about his anger is he can pick it from no where, just erupt like a volcano without a warning or any sign. And he is the kind of person who tries to show other people how bad he can be if someone does anything negative according to his view, be an example for any other family members lest you face the same.
When I stayed with him, I tried my best to be nice to him- obeying every single command he wanted me to but that did not change anything. Sometimes he just got mad with me for nothing, accusing me of taking his things to my friend when I hardly had anyone to call a friend by then, it was his first command not to make friendship with anyone and I obeyed. I'm quiet type of a guy, mostly run out out of words when I'm being accused of something I have not done. But this was seen as disobedience and lack of respect. I thought it was a misunderstanding but it wasn't because I explained to him why I always go quiet in any quarrel,- I always avoided anything that can cause a fight.
@lologirl2021 (5542)
• United States
15 Sep 11
I gre up with both of my parents but did more with my moms side of the famly then my dads. At times we did do things with my dads family but they arent the type of family that iw ould consider myself to be around most of the time anways.
Now in your situation iyour dad dshould of made attempts to be with you as well as you making attempts, but if he has not made any attempts on getting to know you and to be with you then why have someone in your life that isnt going to try to be around his daughter, that is what i dont understand. Of course he love you, you are his daughter but people are saying that to you and not him so really you dont know at all if he does love you but thats up to you of course to tell too.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
15 Sep 11
I know he loves me, even if he doesnt' show it. I am 24 years old now, and well when I was 14 was when I stopped really seeing or talking to him... At 22 I talked to him again... but well meh I'm just not going to worry about it now.
Though from time to time it does come up where I do feel sad about it. Right now I don't, just confused.
I guess your dad's side and my dad's side may be similar. I'm not saying they are bad people, or anything, but I guess I never really wanted to be near them.. I had more fun at my mom's side anyway, and that was one reason why I never wanted to go over... Other eason was they couldn't cook as good, and I don't think I liked my cousins all that much.
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
17 Sep 11
I, too, have always felt closer to my mother's side of the family. My father's side of the family were land owners, but my mother's parents were poor share croppers. Daddy's family were talented singers, but my mother was tone deaf. When we visited my father's family, I felt that I was out of my element, but with my mother's family, I was loved just as I was. I could be me with all my shortcomings. kBecause I was uncomfortable with them, I felt no close kinship. I did become close with one part of the family after we were all grandparents.
@litleprincess (30)
• Philippines
16 Sep 11
Hi, in my case I've grown without harmony or let me say broken family ,, my mother and father always in trouble about something that related to family problems, including jealousy ,financial , relationship that goes with it, so as a daughter i always pray and hope that one day or even just a pieces of time we can have our solemnly as a whole , sometimes i get too discourage about it and keep asking myself , why? why do i belong this kind of family? you know what i was once made a wish and it did came true , i was asking to make a change and said to myself if ever i could go far away from this place i will never go back again , so finally at the age of 13 january 25 this day that i clearly remembered i stAYED to the custody of my grand mothers home until the of 18 and then at the age 19 until now I am here at my auntie's custody and at the same time stand as a guardian to her child while she is working out, under my family history i am now a normal with average brain that rotate according to its proper rotation, after all i cannot deny the fact that i been to this fact and forever be a part of me. The lesson is, feel much better now knowing even if my family history is not very well known in our community through marking good things at least I myself are able and to live with respect and forgive ,and had learned to accept the reality of life , that being a human we need to experience some strange things in order to measure our capability ,thinking that being a product of a broken family is not a problem for me nor to our society because the only man who is responsible for yourself is only you, to be a man is not about how well your family treat you, its not about how lots of friends you have,sometimes the bad things natter, for in your dark side , you see people who are ready to light the road with you.
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
15 Sep 11
my mom was an only child and rasie by her grandma I never met as she passed away before I was born DId know her dad some but when I married my x my grandpa quit writting to me.
on Daddy side wasnt really close to aunts and Uncles but one cousin was like big brothr for me he is a year older than me and we still get along good so thats all I really know about either side
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
15 Sep 11
I grew up visiting both sides of my family about equally until my dad passed away when I was 13 years old. I didn't see much of his side afterwards.
@ElicBxn (63394)
• United States
15 Sep 11
I would suspect that your mother might have something to do with the relationship you have with your father... not to say he doesn't bear a large part of the blame too.
IF he had wanted to be part of your life, he would've been.
So, I would be open to any opportunity to allow him into your child's life if he wants it, but don't be disappointed if he doesn't.
@celticeagle (164045)
• Boise, Idaho
16 Sep 11
Your situation sounds just like mine. I am an only child, have a strained relationship with my now gone father. When I was young he and I were friendly and I remember some great times. Then something happened that set a wedge between us and I didn't see him again for about twenty years when his brother called me to tell me my dad was in the VA Hospital dying of cancer and had requested to see me. Life goes right on by and sometimes we are sorry if we don't do something before its too late.
@sunli123 (538)
• China
16 Sep 11
Hey. I grew up with my father and mother and I have a brother who is 4-year younger than me. I believe my father and mother do love us very much. Our family is not rich and they have to work very hard so that we can finish our university. But it doesn't mean we have a very good relationship. My father is a very strict person and everthing needs to be done as per his requirement. If not or if we(include my mother) did somthing wrong, he would lose his temper. So we were always very nervous when he was at home from I had a memory. Well, I am not a confident person and I think it has sth to do with my growth background. So there were so many times I hated my father. Why couldn't he have a good temper and be more patient? The worse is that I found somtimes I have similar characters as my father. I really disliked this and I started to hate myself. Now I am working in another city and don't go back home frequently. How to say this feeling? I want to work in my town and stay with my father and mother, but I fear this. Once I read in a book that parent are the one who love you forever, though they have their shortcomings, they've tried their best to love you. It's difficult for them to change, then we learn to change, and try our best to offer our children a better relationship.
@zerd87 (301)
• Philippines
15 Sep 11
I grew up knowing my family in both sides. However there is always dominant side in which your parents, especially in your father side becomes more closer to you. In my case, I grew in the community were lots of our neighborhood is my relative on father side. Because of that I knew lots in my father side than my mother side.
@jennigoff33 (332)
• United States
15 Sep 11
I have issues with some family. My way of handling is not right but I am not going to stress over someone who doesnt really care if im in their life anyways. I always wait for others to talk to me in the family. I grew up to keep my family close but i only keep family close that is already and will always be there for me. I will not surround myself with individuals in my family that think they are better than me, know whats best for me, or want to express all of the negative things about me. I only want positive people to surround me because that is how i have made it as far as i have. Everyone messes up and i wont take no one else telling me about my flaws when they have flaws too. I am an adult and make my own choices. As for the people who want to support me these are the one i make an effort to be around.
@mommytam (17)
•
15 Sep 11
I grew up not knowing my dad. it sucked. I finially met him when i was 14. for my 15 birthday he took me out for a day. bought me stuff and went out to eat. I really didnt see him after that. but the last few years he tryed to make some contact and i am now 24 and 2 kids and one almost here. Now the kids and i get to see him atleast once a week on his day off. it may only be for a few hours but it more than i got. at least the kids is growing up with one of there grandpa. He is the only grandpa they have alive. they have there great grandpa and step grandpa. Me and him didnt see eye to eye before. but now he wants to make up for lost time.we know have a good reationship. it is possible.
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