The Right to Say "NO!"

I think this comes from the confrontation and wanting to be a people pleaser. Also caring about what others think of you. It is something that has to be practiced. If you practice and go by steps for 90 days you can change a habit. Of course you don't want to hurt anyones feelings but what about yourself? You are hurting you and you should be number one.

I think we all have to learn to say "no" once in a while because people can act like as if we are their slaves. I also have a problem of saying "no" everytime someone asks me for something but I know I must also learn to say it because then, whenever they want something they know I have, but something I want to use, they can take it away from me. My cousin is the same way. She has been called lazy, fat, shut the **** up, and all these mean words by our little cousins and makes her cry. After all these mean words that was said to her, she still drives him around, takes him places (movies, eat out, etc) almost like he knows that no matter what mean words he tells her, she will still do what he wants her to do. I know I might be in that situation if I never learn to say "no."

I used to have this problem because like you I did not want to hurt others feelings. As I matured, I realized that you cannot say yes to everything. For one thing, you do not have the time to volunteer and give and in other things, perhaps you really did not want to do that thing because you did not feel right about it. The latter is easier to do, but the former is harder because you might have friends who were what we call supermoms. Yes I know a couple in our church. I told people that if I do too much my brain does not work, so I am more bound to make mistakes.

maybe we are related as I have a hard time saying no too...in fact I feel guilty if I do. I think because my parents were so into helping people they expected us to do whatever anyone asked....a few years ago though I got so snowed under with things I had to do for others I felt like I was going to explode! I am getting better....the worst part is people trying to get used to me saying no....they expect a yes!

I guess it could be a learned behavior but the fact that you don't like confrontation and worry about the feelings of others feeds that need not to say no. Now I use to hate to say no but I guess it just took a few bad experiences for me to not worry so much about it. I am pretty assertive and have always been one to be a bit of a loner anyway. No is not a problem for me now..lol. I think that we all go through a period where we are a little unsure about ourselves and that can be a reason that one doesn't want to say no too. I think there actually are classes on assertiveness..lol...if not..maybe we can start one.

I have a very difficult time saying no most of the time. I have people ask me to do something, and I dont want to. I don't like to. I get upset with myself. I inconvenience myself all the time. I steal time from myself which I have very little of. I get upset at the people for asking me, and they know it will upset me, but they don't care, and lots of times when I say no, I feel guilty and turn right back around and call back or whatever and say yes. Even if it makes me miserable because I am having to do something. I wouldn't be that way, but I think people take advantage of you when they know you have such a difficult time saying no. But I get eat up with guilt most of the time so I end up saying okay, yes. Then I say to myself or out loud when I am by myself. 'Oh dear God, please help me to get through this"!

I think this stems from a variety of roots. Most of us like to be liked and popular, and so we are nervous saying "no" will make us less liked than saying "yes". Especially we want people we don't know too well to like us, to make good early impressions. This is human nature; and it's about getting on well with others. There's nothing wrong with it: society, business and so on thrive on diplomacy and agreeability; without them, everything would break down. Politeness; good manners...all are necessary for the smooth functioning of society; and saying "yes", rather than "no" can be part of this. I've read that even some very powerful people can be reluctant to say "no"; and will say, "I'll think about it" instead...not to be evasive: it's about empathy...about protecting others from the harsh "no" out of empathetic consideration for their feelings. I personally believe people who don't like to offend others' feelings are admirable; it's not weakness, it's decency, respect for other peoples' feelings and sense of dignity, and there is maturity in that, not weakness. It's not uncourageous to respect other peoples' feelings, far from it: it's noble. Some times it may be frustrating to be constantly agreeable; and many who say yes for long periods of their lives eventually develop the ability to say "no" and feel fine about it, while still preferring to say "yes". I have read of businessmen who are reluctant to say "no", because it seems impolite: these men are not weak. They are considerate...and considerateness is one of the greatest and finest of all human qualities.

Hi fanatic, I can say ‘no’ wherever necessary. I learnt it from my experience; if I say yes then I can’t accomplish it, what is the point of saying a ‘yes’. So I always suggest saying ‘no’ if you are sure about it. Saying a ‘no’ politely never hurt anybody.

Saying "yes" or "no" is not only a right. It is an obligation. It is our duty to be truthful and honest. If we don't know how to do it or not capable of doing it, there is no sense in saying "yes" just because we don't want to hurt other people's feelings. For all we know, saying "yes" may not only hurt the other people, but also hurt ourselves. Honesty is still the best policy. Let your conscience be your guide. Peace of mind will be your prize or "diploma." God bless you, beaniefanatic.

I have a hard time of saying no also. It's really hard to say no, especially if the person asking you is special to you. I have said no quite a few times though, like when I was teaching and a student failed, he was asking me to pass him, but I couldn't it would be unfair to my other students. I guess, my principles were the one that stopped me from saying no. If there's a school though, I'd love to attend it too! I have a lot of things to juggle and I would love to learn how to say no properly. Though while typing this, I remember a few times that I have said "I don't want to do it" in a positive way. Like when a colleague was pushing a training job to me that he's supposed to do in front of our boss (he was new to what my boss was asking him to do and my boss told him that if he can't do it, he'll let me handle it, and so he passed it to me. I'm new to the subject matter too but I'm more experienced in training people). I told them both, "I have no objections in doing it, however, like you I am new at it and we would both need to study it anyway. So what's stopping you from making this a learning experience for you?". Well I said it in a less cocky way anyway. So in the end, the boss sided with me and he took the training responsibility.

You can always start by talking or mingling with other people and practice being opinionated about things. Some people just lack the confidence to do so and it will take time for them to come out of their shell. But it's really up to you. It may be difficult but not impossible to say no.

I had that problem for years and am still not over it. Partly it's the way I been raised, being polite, being helpful etc, how a girl should be. Also with many things I do think I will do it if nobody volunteers (which is mostly the fact) since it only will take .... of my time. Also if it comes to helping out others I am social. But I also found out that if you always volunteer, if you can't say NO nobody respects you or is grateful. They don't care if you are sick or tired or just want some time for you. They find it normal you will always do it and they even start to fill in your calendar. More and more you have to live the way they want. And if you say no they will be (or play) angry. Since always being tired, doing more for others as my own family/kids, and bad health was the result of it all I don't say yes anymore to each thing. I ask people to write me their request, tell them I need to think it over or check it with my own calender first. Then they will hear how or what. This gives me the time to think it over much longer and to say no. I found out that if you say no people don't care either. Then they will find someone else who will do it or do it themselves. I also noticed that many people do nothing themselves and ask others to do everything.

I have also a problem by saying "No" maybe i have a low self steam. It is very hard for me to set limit with others. I sometimes feel ashamed or guilty. But to do things against our will and possibilities will end up in feeling used and resentful.

I also hate confrontation so try to avoid it the best I can!

That is the same way with me. I do not like to make people mad by telling them no. It makes me feel bad when I say yes to though. I have done alot of things that I did not want to do. I was in misery because of it. I now say no and sometimes explain the reason for it and do not feel bad about it at all. Sometimes NO is the right answer!

I think maybe it is something we need to practice doing. I have done it enough so that now I am quite comfortable. At one time, though, I actually wore a t-shirt that read "What part of NO don't you understand?" Probably a diploma to mount on your wall is a good idea :-)

Well, my handle came about because I used to spend a lot of time with women who couldn't say no lol, and I know it's not uncommon, even among men. You don't have to go as far as BDSM submissives to have this problem, although of course they make a virtue of it. But as one who rarely has a problem with saying NO, I don't know if I can advise anything. Make a virtue of it? LOL. Lash

I am still working on this.

I took an assertive class in my younger years, and one of the assignments was we had to say no, it was hard but the world didn't come to an end, lol. It's still no easy/comfortable saying no, but I do when I need to.

I did not know how to say no too but have learned over the years how to disagree. 1. Sorry I cannot help now as I am overwhelmed with other pressing issues. 2. When people ask to borrow money, I try to help them within my means. Some may ask for the moon, then I tell them there are other kind souls around. But generally I don't also say no unless the request/demand is outrageous. But I explain why I cannot help. I avoid confrontations with a simple take each is entitled to their view and let us agree to disagree - siva