A way to honor feelings
By savypat
@savypat (20216)
United States
October 4, 2011 11:34am CST
Many times we dismiss another's feelings as unimportant, but here is another view point on feelings.
"Honor and respect your partner's feelings as if they are your own!
Feelings are the barometer of our outside existential lives. Feelings let us know how things are going for us inside ourselves. They are not good or bad; helpful or not helpful; constructive or not so constructive. Feelings exist because they do, in and of themselves.
We cannot choose to change, modify, not feel, or otherwise positively or negatively impact or affect our feelings. The only choices we have are directly related to our behavior.
Feelings are as normal as hunger and fatigue. When we dismiss, diminish, ridicule, criticize, mock, belittle, disparage or demean anyone's feelings we are acting in the most disrespectful and unloving way.
When your Honey expresses a feeling, consider hearing the feeling as a sacred offering. Be curious and compassionate.
Remember: It is not your job to fix anything. She or he is not broken. Don't get distracted by the content of the event. It isn't necessary to offer insights, suggestions, give answers or otherwise provide brilliant advice or express profound guidance.
Here are 3 Simple and Loving Behaviors to remember and use:
1.Listen with your heart.
2.Tell your partner that he or she matters to you and that his or her feelings are important to you.
3.Ask if there is anything you can do or say right now that would be helpful.
I like the statement that it is not your job to fix anything, the person is not broken. So often my first reaction to hurt feelings is to fix it, insead of just being supportive. Did this offer you any new insights? Blessings
7 people like this
12 responses
@karstine29 (694)
• Philippines
4 Oct 11
It indeed! Thanks for making me realize a lot of things. I also want to share something. There are times that people tend to keep what they are feeling inside. They see their feelings unimportant to us sometimes. We might not know that they are only hiding what they really feel. They want to share it to us however, they find us not that eager to know about it. I think its also better to ask our friends or love ones frequently. They may not tell exactly what they are feeling but at least you are there to listen.
3 people like this
@Pushhyarag2000 (1416)
• India
4 Oct 11
Hello,
Feelings are for sharing. We as human beings represent the highest form of evolved species. We chose a partner for life to be able to lean on some one and offer a shoulder for the partner to lean on.
A patient hearing when your partner has something he/she feels like sharing can generate positive vibes. Indifference can lead to pent up feelings and generate considerable negative energy. Your partner may develop low self esteem over time and it is detrimental to the family in the long run.
In conversations, it is important to be proactive rather than reactive for sustaining healthy & harmonious relationships. Being proactive and honoring the feelings with care & concern makes the partner feel reassured.
The three behaviors suggested by you are quite meaningful.
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (161165)
• United States
4 Oct 11
These are not necessarily new insights, but it is a powerful reminder. I agree, we often try to fix what is not broken. Being able to verbally express a feeling is a wonderful and important gift.
2 people like this
@zsarhea (302)
• Austria
4 Oct 11
I agree,its what i wanted for my relationship,not asking for something to return but just appreciate the little things i do or just say something nice if im being sweet.
And im learning a very difficult language and hes not being supportive at all...making me more to give up and just go back to my country.
@inertia4 (27960)
• United States
8 Oct 11
Yes feelings do need to be honored. But you cannot go around stroking the ego of your partner just not to hurt their feelings. If we go around saying to our partners that everything is alright and we understand and just pacify them, then that is not very helpful either. I agree we have to understand our partners feeling, good or bad. What I do not like to do is build my partner up for a let down somewhere else. I have always believed in being blunt, to the point and being honest. If something I say hurts my partners feelings, then it was probably meant to be that way. Now I am not insensitive, I would apologize that I hurt her feelings and I would sit and talk to her about what I said and why I said it, in the hopes she would understand where I am coming from and that it was intended to protect her feelings from being hurt somewhere else or by someone else. I never just come out and say something for no reason, I always have a reason. So if I do tell my partner something, she knows that I might see something that she don't.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
5 Oct 11
Very good advice. Sometimes I forget to think of other's feelings as my own. I usually do have lots of empathy, but then sometimes I lose track of it, and don't think of the other's feelings like they are my own. It depends on the mood I am in.. I guess. It's something I need to work on. I know I'm a good person, but I could be more supportive of my friends, especially when they are being mistreated by someone else. Thank you Savypat for this discussion.
2 people like this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
6 Oct 11
I live my life supporting my friends, I try to bring them up, show them the things they are capable of doing even though they do not see it themselves. I don't give out my works lightly I would not tell someone who really couldn't do something that they could do it. But as a counsellor I know and have been trained to assess people's abilities and I know what they can do. Friends sometimes have that uncanny ability to know that too. Our own worst enemy is ourselves, we put ourselves down, we think we cannot do have the things we can do.
2 people like this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
7 Oct 11
I know you do support your friends. I know I have grown a lot in what I can do because my friend pushed me beyond my comfort zone.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36447)
• United States
6 Oct 11
This is some interesting information, and I am sure this is something that most people out there could learn from. It is not always easy to be NICE to someone and take into consideration their thoughts and feelings on something. Most of the time people just continue to mock them or make Fun never stopping to think "What if I put myself in their shoes? How would I feel?"
1 person likes this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
6 Oct 11
great insight here, as a friend we are their to support, not bad behavior but feelings. I am a professional counselor so my role is different my job is to help heal and that does something take on the role of mentor, advisor or some other kind of therapy and invention, but the friends role is just to be their for their lover or friend who is hurting. Even if your lover hates to be alone and you love it, understand that that is their reality and it is an issue for them. You are very wise my friend.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
5 Oct 11
Hi pat~ I like the way you have explained the importance of
listening to other people and being considerate of their feelings.
It isn't easy to get some people to understand what we feel
sometimes. My bf and I "talk", but I know he isn't really
"listening" most of the time or maybe I should say "hearing"
what I'm saying. He also is very difficult to "read". He keeps
everything inside. Trying to get anything out of him about
his feelings is almost impossible and it really bothers me.
Unfortunately, that is just the way he is. Every now and
then he will "surprise" me and tell me something about his
family or something personal, but basically getting him to "talk"
and share his feelings is like "pulling teeth". I am always
trying to "fix" everyone because that is just how I am.
And I should know better by now. I usually end up getting
hurt by my "so called friends" because they know I am a good
listener!
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
5 Oct 11
This is such a valuable post! My husband suffers from depression and, although he has his condition under control from a medical point of view there are still the occasional times when he feels down and out about life and my instinct has always been to fix things in order for him to feel better. I even suggested moving to the other side of the country so he could be near his family so that I could see him smile again but he explained to me that indeed it is not moving or anything I could physically do that will improve his lot and his feelings are just something he has to work through and all I need to do is be there for him and let him be…
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
6 Oct 11
Through the past six months, I've definitely come to realize that I need to have a lot more respect for Tom's feelings than I used to. I was the kind of person that used to just get aggrevated by the fact that he was always complaining that he didn't feel good (that was before we knew what was wrong with him). However, in the journey that we've been through this year, I've come to know that I need to respect the fact that he doesn't feel well and I do need to give him his space from time to time.
1 person likes this
