Things I am not proud of about myself in the past
By Theresaaiza
@Theresaaiza (10487)
Australia
October 19, 2011 2:51pm CST
When I was younger, like in my teens, I used to gossip a lot, sometimes, backstab, find fault in everyone, and I always had something to say about everyone. Criticized a lot and judged a lot. I am also dreadfully pessimistic.
I won friends and lost them because of that. So I couldn't blame other people if until now they couldn't trust me. I have realized that bitter truth and it fueled me to change. I can say that I am better now after more than a decade since then. I praise more than I criticize and I have better positive outlooks in life, coupled with asking God for forgiveness for all my wrongs.
What I'm really feeling sad about is that I wrote a friend a letter while she was going back to somewhere far. It was a goodbye message and was only meant to make her feel good about our friendship.
I knew she was seeing a fellow girl even if she wasn't saying it so through a letter, I told her that I valued that happiness and would not do anything to stop her from pursuing that happiness. Because of that she stopped talking to me and told my best friend that I was being my old, nosy, and meddling self again.
I was deeply hurt by this, embarrassed too, but somehow, I had to accept it knowing that I did so many wrong things in the past so I probably deserved it too.
It's just that how long do I need to carry my old reputation with me? It seems like no matter how much I try to change, some people just don't see it.
Do you think I should start building a new crowd and stay away from the people I once knew? just so I can start afresh and let the people see me for my face value and not my past?
2 people like this
11 responses
@Greninee (369)
• Philippines
20 Oct 11
helow my friend...you know what, i'm glad you have done the most important thing...wanna know what is it? It's your realization that you identify your bad attitude in the past...because from that, it brings out the better person in you...actually, we cannot please everybody...anyone can come and go to our life but some may leave...some who finds us special and important will stay...so don't be hopeless,,, make a change for yourself and not for others... Start the change from your self...Good day!
1 person likes this
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
21 Oct 11
Hi Greninee, thank you for your response.
I am done denying and justifying. If I really wanted to change I must admit and accept that I was at fault.
I keep seeing in movies or TV shows that the antagonists are never aware that they are the bad ones in the story. In real life, it should not be that way.
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
23 Oct 11
It's great that other people are learning so much from this.
@ichipink (541)
• Philippines
21 Oct 11
I agree with both of you. Many are too proud to see and admit their mistakes. They even sometimes blame others for their mistakes. I don't think that only happens in movies, there are really people like that. And one thing I have learned is that we can never change if we don't accept our mistakes.
I use to judge others too and do not accept my mistake, but now I realize that I should first look at myself before criticizing other people.
@kaeirole (668)
• Philippines
20 Oct 11
hi there..i understand how you feel..i was also like that..i criticized, backstab, and was also very frank to people around me..but it was all because of the influence of a group of friends who were more like that..and the sad thing is, they did all of it to me too..so i realized they were not true friends..and decided to start a new crowd with a new me, without influence of others..
if i am you, i would still start a new crowd..but, i will never push away my old friends who are true to me..i'll just start building new friendship with the new me..in that way, those who thinks i didn't change will then realized that im a changed person now..they just didn't notice it..
have a great day!
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
20 Oct 11
Hi kaeirole, it is very hard to admit my guilt. Pouring it out here on myLot took a lot of pride-swallowing. But it was a nice feeling to be able to unload that and a lot better to get responses like yours which didn't accuse and condemn me even more. Because I would have crumbled to pieces if you had done otherwise.
Yes, new friends can serve as my opportunity to start anew.
@kaeirole (668)
• Philippines
20 Oct 11
i will never condemn anybody..especially not to people i don't even know..i always believe that there's always something good with each of us..and people are prone to mistakes..but we deserve to change also..
hope you'll find a new set of friends that won't judge you also.. :)
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (63420)
• United States
22 Oct 11
making new friends is an option, but you will never shed your old rep that you earned with people who knew you before
All you can do is be careful what you say to others, because even if you never say a wrong word again, it can STILL be misconstrued, even by those who didn't know you before.
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
23 Oct 11
That is my predicament right now. I love my friends, but they have this unchangeable idea about me that makes me just wanna distance myself so I would never gonna have to open my mouth.
Right now, I am happy making new friends. I have a chance to prove to myself that I am serious about changing.
You will never know how precious your friends are until you lose them by a stupid mistake.
1 person likes this
@frontvisions101 (16043)
• Philippines
23 Oct 11
Sometimes, a simple conversation can fix a big, embarrassing problem. Maybe if you try talking to the other person about the mishap, you can fix the problem. That way, you don't have to look for a new circle of friends.
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
23 Oct 11
In this case, it's probably best to drop the subject and let her think the way she wants to think. It is quite a sensitive issue and to pursue the topic might just end our friendship for good.
It was a little wrong for me to try to open it up with her when she obviously didn't want to disclose it in the first place. Apparently, she wanted to keep it hidden, but I brought it up first. I probably embarrassed her. And by reacting the way she did, it also embarrassed me.
@ichipink (541)
• Philippines
21 Oct 11
I feel guilty also about being like that. And I really feel embarrassed every time I see the people I've been with when I was in my worst. For me, I feel better when I'm with my new friends. And it's easier to change since I know they won’t judge me of my past.
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
23 Oct 11
We can always learn from our mistakes. We are not human if we don't have them. It is good to have new friends. We can reinvent ourselves and show a different side to us. During worst times, though, bad habits sometimes resurface and cause the same problem all over again. But I believe that learning is a process. We will be better in time,
1 person likes this
@ichipink (541)
• Philippines
12 Nov 11
You're totally right... There are times that those bad habits still resurface. But at least little by little we try to get rid of them. It surely is hard and I hope that in time, these bad habits would be completely gone.
@vasumathi (436)
• India
20 Oct 11
The best charcter in life is "the self realization of the mistake we have done !!". This is not easy to be done. Really great to hear and appreciate your effort towards that
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
21 Oct 11
Thank you for that. Yes, I find it easier now to accept my mistakes and apologize for them instead of denying it and the whole world disagrees with you.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
20 Oct 11
We've all done things in our past we're not proud of, but we grow and learn from our mistakes. Personally I would not stop seeing your old friends, just accept that they've labeled you and it will take more than a few years for them to trust you again, if they ever do. If it bothers you that they see you that way, then limit your time with them, but someday you might regret writing them out of your life forever.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
20 Oct 11
This is a situation in which you are in charge. It is totally your choice what you do here. Just remember nothing that you do will change the past.
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
21 Oct 11
But I can always shape my future. That is true, savy. Thanks!
@EdnaReyes (2622)
• Philippines
20 Oct 11
You don't have to feel about your past giving you bad refutation. As long as you are sincere in changing for the better and friends will see a different you, the better version then I think you need not to stay away from people who knew you from the past.Your new self will attract new friends and keeping the past and the new ones is en ought to keep you away from straying back from your bad image.
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
23 Oct 11
I am sorry Edna, I thought I had given a response to this already. Dunno what happened.
Anyway, thank you so much for your great word of advice. Yes I do not want to let go of past friends because they are a part of my life. But because of what happened, I realized I shouldn't close myself to other people who would have better faith in me.
@iuliuxd (4453)
• Romania
20 Oct 11
Oh boy...good thing you changed now , i am still like that and i think i will never change.Asking God for forgiveness also doesn`t seem to work for me.
If all of us are good people ( or we think we are good people ) how come we live in such a bad world ? 
We are all bad, no matter if we think we changed into a better person or we claim to have changed we are bad people in a bad world.
We are all bad, no matter if we think we changed into a better person or we claim to have changed we are bad people in a bad world.@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
21 Oct 11
I would have told you, "Yes, you are right", a few months ago. I've been in that kind of mentality for so long that I have closed myself from receiving great blessings, opportunities, and even wonderful relationships. It's a miserable life thinking that everything around us are bad.
That or adopting an optimistic view of life is your choice. I am still struggling but at least I'm trying. I am choosing to be happy.
@Eilenee (2)
• Romania
20 Oct 11
Facing the truth and realizing your mistakes is the first important step, but it's not enough. My advice it would be to go to your old friends and apologize. After doing this I can assure you that you will feel free and much better than now.
Everybody makes mistakes, there's not one single man on this earth who hasn't done wrong at least once in his life, but a sincere apology is more valuable than all the words or gifts in the world. :)
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
21 Oct 11
Yes, I already apologized. Still she didn't speak to me. There is nothing I can do. I can only say sorry too many times. More than that I'd look like a wimp. This friend of mine is also known for her pedestal-high pride so I guess one sincere apology is enough. If she really cherishes our friendship she will not be too angry at me for too long.
