How should I punish myself?
By bodhi_91
@bodhi_91 (191)
India
October 27, 2011 4:19am CST
I am 20 years old now and my girlfriend is 19. Her name is Rupa. She often asks me to give her a baby, which is pretty impossible at this stage of life as per Indian scenario. We cannot have baby till marriage, which is pretty far in future! Both of us know that but she still insists at times, and I got angry and scolded her a couple of times for hankering for something which is pretty impossible at this stage of life. I love her a lot and so wanted her to be more practical.
Now yesterday I came to know why she had been saying like this. Her mom passed away a year back. And her mom came in Rupa's dream one night telling she would take birth as Rupa's daughter by reincarnation. That's the reason she was so desperate to have a baby. She misses her mom a lot and that's what made her say this so many times.
I am really very pissed off with myself after hearing this. She told so sweetly "Just tell YES when I ask for a baby. I also know it is not possible, but just for a little bit satisfaction." I cannot forgive myself after all happened. I want to punish myself now.
6 people like this
16 responses
@owlwings (43910)
• Cambridge, England
27 Oct 11
Why should you punish yourself? You clearly know what is right and surely both you and your girlfriend want the baby to have a proper start in life, whether it really is her mother's reincarnation or not.
People do get married at your age and, provided that both your families approve, that is maybe what you should think about doing.
2 people like this
@bodhi_91 (191)
• India
27 Oct 11
Sir, things in India are a bit different. The problem we cannot have baby now is that out parents will not allow. Of course they won't coz we are not yet earning ourselves. We will surely have one soon. Till then I have gifted her a teddy bear which she considers our child. That works for now!
1 person likes this
@saphrina (31551)
• South Africa
27 Oct 11
I;m sorry sweetie, but this is going to sound rude now.
To punish yourself for thinking for yourself, sounds stupid to me.
Your girlfriend need to understand that both of you are far to young to even think of having children.
Can you afford to marry her and take care of her and a baby?
Think about that, okay.
1 person likes this
@saphrina (31551)
• South Africa
27 Oct 11
Sounds difficult, but you have to talk to her about it.
Or ask your mom to talk to her.
Either way, she have to accept that it just isn't possible to have a child right now.
And this reincarnation thingie, she seriously need to reconsider her understanding about it, okay.
Good luck.
1 person likes this
@bodhi_91 (191)
• India
27 Oct 11
I am also pretty scientific, but I also think if an unscientific belief keeps my girl happy, I would like her to live with that. That will be my ultimate wish. I do not wait to make her scientific and make her sad. I wanna let her realize it by herself.
Also she doesn't want a baby now, just she wants me not to disagree when she wants one.
1 person likes this
@bodhi_91 (191)
• India
27 Oct 11
It din sound rude really.
I know she needs to understand this thing, but she is not in a mental frame right now to understand that. She is far too young and sad. She faces so much problems in life as she is not having mother. So she has some excitement that her mother will come back to her. I don wanna break this excitement n make her sad. I cannot give her a baby now either.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20216)
• United States
27 Oct 11
You have learned a basic lesson about relationships. That is to ask the questions
to probe beyond and make no judgements until you have the information needed. You only failed in not giving you girlfriend credit for having a good reason to go against what could be called good sense. She misses her Mother a lot and even if you had a baby now that baby would have it's own life, it would be unfair to impose the past life as her Mother on this soul. Your girlfriend is allowing her emotions to guide her dreams, this is not at all unusual but time not the guide here. If her first baby is a reincarnation of her Mother, there will be a special bond between them, no matter if it happens next year or even several years in the future. Tell your girlfriend to start preparing to make the life of this baby the very best that it can be. Give her this goal that will allow her grief energy to be put toward the future. Hope this works. Blessisngs
1 person likes this
@bodhi_91 (191)
• India
27 Oct 11
Really I learnt a good enough lesson. I will really remember it for quite a long time, more precisely the rest of my life. I really should have asked her before tryin to "Open her eyes about the Real World." Sometime closed eyes are what we should be looking for.
Yes this can be a good point that once we actually have a baby, thinking her mother's soul she will take great care of her. I also told her that this thing should be in out minds forever. Never should our child come to know that she is your mother's soul. She was ok with it, though i found a tear falling from her eye. Donno if it was of grief or happiness, then she hugged me n i skipped the topic and made her laugh.
1 person likes this
@EdnaReyes (2622)
• Philippines
27 Oct 11
Being a parent is a great responsibility and both of you are still young and both know that you are not physical, psychologically, emotionally and financially stable for this matter. Better tell your girlfriend about the consequences of hurrying up in having a baby. Your society does not allow such baby born out of wedlock so why not tell her to put things in right places. If she's keen on having a baby because of her dream, then ask her to marry you and let your family talk about it.
1 person likes this
@megumib0b0 (15)
• India
27 Oct 11
Hi,
Just don't take decisions hastily. It is totally impossible to give her what she is asking for now. Be practical. Explain things to her. You are young. (I am of you age too). I used to tell my guy when guy this when i was 18. It feels gud to say dis and listen to the other's response. Just tell her that you want to give her a baby but what use will it be if you do it at the wrong time. You cannot bring up the baby properly and none of you will be happy. It's a long long way to go to think about having a baby. Just stick to each other and have trust in each other. You don't have to be angry at yourself after you heard about her dream. You need to convince her that you understand her feelings and you need time. She needs time as well.
Have a great day dear
1 person likes this
@megumib0b0 (15)
• India
27 Oct 11
Name is Nadeeda.. :)
Happy DIwali to you too.. I'm done with the Diwali sweets. Cannot take more of it.. :P
1 person likes this
@bodhi_91 (191)
• India
27 Oct 11
Thank you so very much. I loved every work of yours. Now I am feeling much better and I think your words can really help her get out of the grief. It's really no use if we can't take full care of her reincarnated mother right? It will be insult to her. VEry nicely said .... umm cannot guess ur name from username :P
Thanks so much... U also have great day.
~Regards of Diwali
Bodhi
1 person likes this
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
27 Oct 11
In my opinion you did the right thing by explaining to her that it is not possible at this time. I know that it is a bit different in Indian culture and you both should first get married before doing something... There is no need to punish yourself as this is not a big mistake... You can give her reassurance by telling her that in the right time you both will surely make a baby.
1 person likes this
@bodhi_91 (191)
• India
27 Oct 11
Yes I tell her always that we will have our baby when the right time comes. But you know, when she misses her mother too much, and I am on the phone she either tells "I wanna go to my mom, say hello to her" or says "Honey, will you give me a baby?"
Before I used to try n make her understand but now, impossible. I tell her "Surely I will." And some more things which can make her feel good.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
27 Oct 11
hi bodhi_-91 taking care of a baby is a big responsibility and I would think she may think this over again. why not get married firsrt and make a home for the baby, there are so manythings to consider in having a baby,it has to be fed and clothes, and cared for, doctor bills, and all this takes some preparation. It is nicer to have a child born after marriage really.So not punish yourself as she is not thinking practically but only emotionally.even it reincarnation does come true she would not see her mom in that baby til its older surely.of course all the decisions are up tp yuo u and your girlfriend b ut uou are young and should wait for marriage first.
@celticeagle (168171)
• Boise, Idaho
28 Oct 11
You had no way of knowing until she chose to tell you. I would think about gedtting her something she can pretend is the baby until such a time as you two can have a family. This may or may not work but is a loving jesture that you could present to her as an option so she won't feel so badly and neither will you.
@Jlyn10 (11965)
• Malaysia
28 Oct 11
There's no need to punish yourself for this. Probably what you should have done earlier was to ask her for her reasons why she wanted a child so badly and then talk it out with her. Even so, both of you are still too young to have a child at this age as raising a child is not easy when you can't afford to yet.
@sjvg1976 (41289)
• Delhi, India
27 Oct 11
Hello Bodhi,
After reading the whole story i would still say that you did not do anything wrong so there is no question of punishing yourself.
Yes you both are too young and unsettled i suppose as you both are studying in the college and i don't think the responsibility of both baby and wife you would be able to bear till you don't get settled.
You need to make her understand that not to get much emotional and be practical in life any how if you are going to marry her after let's say 5 years then too as per her dream her mother is going to take birth as her daughter by reincarnation.
then why not to marry her after 5 years or whenever you get settled.
Yes you both are too young and unsettled i suppose as you both are studying in the college and i don't think the responsibility of both baby and wife you would be able to bear till you don't get settled.
You need to make her understand that not to get much emotional and be practical in life any how if you are going to marry her after let's say 5 years then too as per her dream her mother is going to take birth as her daughter by reincarnation.then why not to marry her after 5 years or whenever you get settled.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
29 Oct 11
I do think you should be ashamed about yourself because you scold at her, someone you say you you love.
But there is no reason to punish yourself for that.
I think it's good to be sure about a kind of future together first before getting a baby.
Also I do believe your friend is not completely honest to you. She will use everything in her power to get what she wants at the moment she wants.
I do believe she does miss her mother a lot but I don't believe that her mother would only reincarnate in her new born if she would get pregnant at this moment.
I am sorry to say it but this is just a female trick.
@phillyguy (3005)
• Philippines
28 Oct 11
Hi bodhi!May I ask why is it impossible? is it not allowed in India to have a baby when you are not married?
@phillyguy (3005)
• Philippines
1 Nov 11
Oh I don't know about that. What will parents do if their son/daughter have a baby before marriage?
@bodhi_91 (191)
• India
2 Nov 11
Actually it matters from person to person. India is a changing country and so some parents might accept it and others won't. In my case, my parents would accept, but majority of the society (almost 90%) will not accept it. And it is difficult to do something when everybody around can boycott U for that. So we generally avoid it.
@lynchchen (7)
•
28 Oct 11
Please, u can punish yourself by give more love and care to Rupa. I wish u two live happily
@airkulet (2700)
• Philippines
28 Oct 11
That's a weird reason to have a baby. I honestly like your attitude that your still thinking what will happen after doing such things.Most of guys will take advantage of their girl just to score (you know what I mean). About your girlfriend tell her to wait for a little time until you both prepared for the financial ahead. I had seen many couples who urge to build family despite their young age and the romance are thrown at the window after having children.
