Need Some Friendship Advice.
By jenseyedea
@jenseyedea (579)
United States
November 13, 2011 6:52pm CST
So I was friends with two ladies that I worked with. One I will call Dawn and the other Diana. We were all pretty close and spent a lot of time with our families outside of the workplace together. Well Dawn cae to me and said that she heard that Diana was in a relationship with a women, and that her boyfriend Lee was really Lisa. I couldnt believe what I was hearing and after the second time around the rumor mill I took it directly to Diana. She said that it was not true and was very upset that the rumor was going around. In turn because I took the rumor to Diana I lost my friend Dawn over the ordeal. I just would not have wanted someone spreading rumors like that about me and felt it needed addressed. In the meantime, Diana and I have continued to be close friends. We all took a family vacation this summer together and I was just there to see her son off to semi-formal. I spent this past weekend at her house babysitting and housesitting while her and Lee went to Chicago. I was making dinner and was looking for a crock pot when I saw a medicine bottle in the way. I picked it up to move it when I noticed the name Lisa on the bottle! The worst part was what the medication was, testosterone. I could not believe it. She had an opportunity to come clean before and she didn't. Now I was finding out and I have no idea how to go about addressing it. I honestly dont care about her sexuality, I care that she lied. I am open to suggesstions because I have not said anything to her at this point.
2 people like this
11 responses
@clearwater18 (695)
• Philippines
14 Nov 11
It would have been really okay if your friend have told you the truth. I mean it doesn't really matter whether she is dating a boy or a girl. Saying the truth for me really matters. She should have told you the truth. I mean what does she have to hide or why does she have to lie about that. If she really considers you as her friend, she should have told you the truth the first time you confronted her. But the decision is really up to you. You can try to talk to her and tell her that you already know the truth. Ask her why she lied and then after she tells you the reason, then from there you can decide if you still want to stay friends with her.
1 person likes this
@jenseyedea (579)
• United States
14 Nov 11
The truth was my point as well. I don't care who she is dating, I just wanted her to be honest. I can understand why someone would want to keep the inforation private, but then I guess you need to think of that before inviting people in your life and risk the secrets being exposed. Thanks for your advice. :)
@jenseyedea (579)
• United States
14 Nov 11
I agree. I don't want to loose her as a friend. It just makes it hard when I think I lost another friend over it. But maybe she wasn't meant to be my friend to begin with if she couldn't understand.
@smacksman (6053)
•
14 Nov 11
Diana is going through a stressful time, I expect, and at such times, good honest and true friends are very precious.
Unless you have problems with 'gender bending' I would carry on being there for them both through this tough time.
As for coming across something while house sitting - don't worry about it. Finding something on a shelf is not the same thing as finding something buried at the back of an undies drawer! 
@Mashnn (4501)
•
14 Nov 11
I think maybe she feared you might reject her. If you still like her to be your friend then you can just forgive her and move on with it. Sometimes we hide thing because we are afraid to be rejected. I think you can also try to ask her about it and she if she is now willing to tell you the truth since you already know what is happening.
@besweet (9859)
• Ireland
14 Nov 11
I believe that some issues are too personal to share with anyone. I believe that even if she considers that you are her best friend and she trusts you, this is a big secret and it's not only her decision, since her partner is also involved. I mean that even if she wanted to tell you the truth, she could have done it only if her partner agrees so it's too complicated and I don't know if I could blame her.
On the other hand, you can start a discussion with her about her relationsip and her partner and maybe she will tell you what is really going on if she sees that you are cool and you can be trusted. After all, Dawn used to be her friend too, but she continued spreading the rumors about her without taking it to Diana.
Personally, I wouldn't say anything at this point and I would give her more time. If all this is true, she is probably paniced from the rumors and she wants to protect her relationship by not admitting the truth.
1 person likes this
@pumpkinjam (8754)
• United Kingdom
14 Nov 11
First of all, I think you did the right thing by going to your friend about the rumour. As for the other friend, if she was as true a friend as you thought she would not have fallen out with you about the situation.
As for the other issue. She may not have seen it as a lie. If "Lee" is taking testosterone and living as a man, then your friend might also see it that way and, in her mind, was not lying when she said that the rumour was not true. If you feel that you are able to tell your friend, you could mention that you are aware of the situation and that she has your full support. However, I must stress that "Lee" and your friend will see "Lisa" as "Lee" i.e. a man, not a woman.
If you think it is necessary to raise the issue then do so but make sure that you are sensitive about it and listen to your friend. Don't accuse her of lying because, as I said, she might not see it that way. I hope that's helped and makes sense. :)
@CRIVAS (1815)
• Canada
14 Nov 11
Peraonlly I think that you did the right thing. If there was a rumor going around about me, I would want to know about it. Secondly I think that you need to sit down with your friend and tell her that you know. Make certain that you express that you are not concerned with her sexuality and that if Lisa makes her happy, there is nothing wrong with that. However you need to let her know that you are upset that she didn't trust your friendship enough to be honest about it. If she felt the need to lie, it is obviously because she was afraid of how you would react. Another thing that you need to do is get in touch with your other friend. Let her know why you told Diana. Make sure that you explain that if the situations were reversed you would expect her to do the same. Friends look out for one another, and that was all that you were trying to do and if Dawn can't understand that, I am sorry to say that maybe she isn't the kind of friend that you need in your life anyway. I think you need to decide if you want to givee Diana the chance to explain why she lied, or if you just want to keep the information to yourself. Either way you need to be prepaired that Diana might get angry because she has been caught in a lie. Then again, she might just be happy that someone else knows her secret and maybe once she sees that it doesn't affect your friendship, it might make things even better between you. Hope that helps
@couchPotato100 (94)
•
14 Nov 11
It's never good lying to a friend, but maybe she lied because she felt uncomfortable. I dont think you should hold that against her, because it seems like what you found support the rumors. I think it's best to just keep this knowledge to yourself until she's ready to let out the truth.
1 person likes this
@kaeirole (668)
• Philippines
14 Nov 11
maybe he wasn't that ready yet to tell you about her partner..since her partner take regular testosterone, it means she wants be close like man..it's not lying..maybe they were starting a new life and are living with their new identities..i'm sure your friend and her partner are having a hard time about that also..it's not easy to be in that process..and it's not easy in starting a new life with their new sexuality..
1 person likes this
@lauriemellis (38)
• United States
14 Nov 11
Would you have had the same conversation with Diane had she been dating a male? I don't think so. If it really didn't matter, what's the big deal? You've already lost one friend over this when, had you just minded your own business the wheels of the gossip mill would have slowed and eventually stopped.
In my opinion, you put her in a position to lie to you. Something like that is personal and really only the business of the ones directly involved. Maybe she was going to tell you and your other friend at the right time ... the right time for THEM not for YOU.
Hopefully, you've learned a lesson from this. We all have enough to worry about just taking care of ourselves. We are not our friends babysitter or parent. We are their friends and we don't put them in situations that will cause our friendship to be questioned.
@jenseyedea (579)
• United States
14 Nov 11
Did you even read the post? I am not sure what you are even talking about. I didnt start any rumor. I tried to let my friend know what was being said because it could be hurtful to her personally and professionally. We are all social workers, and I don't think anyone should have started discussing anything about anyone. But I really felt that she needed to know. So I didn't put her in any position at all. She could have choosen not to lie to me. She knows that I would accept her no matter what. Better luck next time if you read, comprehend, and then reply.
