I am not a...
By hvedra
@hvedra (1619)
November 17, 2011 3:03am CST
I am not a social worker, doctor, nurse, psychiatrist, relationship counsellor, lifestyle coach, lawyer, child psychologist, finanacial adviser, pastor, dietician, personal trainer, personal shopper, stylist, home organising consultant, psychic or crisis management facilitator.
I am not anyone's mother.
Yet some people think I'm going to drop everything and put my life on hold and sort out the kind of (often self-engineered) problems that requires one or more of the professionals mentioned above. Sometimes they are already seeing one or more of said professionals but because they don't like the advice they are getting start bringing their problems to me and other people who are not qualified to deal with them. More to the point I don't WANT to deal with them.
I really don't want to hear about their problems when I can't do anything about them anyway. They also never imagine I might have problems of my own and a back-story far more tragic than the one they are blurting about. What's the point of telling me all about it when there are people out there who have the skills, resources and willingness to help them out?
I've noticed that those who are the most needy will lurch from crisis to crisis. If you sort out one problem in a definite way, they've got another five lined up to take it's place. Sure, we can all have problems but only if we WANT a trouble-free life will we work to get one. Why do these folks self-sabotage as soon as it looks like things are going well?
Having known people who never sort themselves out, I've become quite cynical and wary of anyone with a problem. If I can see they are trying to deal with it then I'll be supportive but if they are just looking for attention or are constantly finding new problems for other people to help them with I pretty much don't want to know them. I can't help them and if I say anything honest I'll be very quickly painted as a meanie 
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Has dealing with people who are deliberately "needy" turned you into a hardnosed so and so?
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Has dealing with people who are deliberately "needy" turned you into a hardnosed so and so?2 people like this
5 responses
@celticeagle (167050)
• Boise, Idaho
18 Nov 11
I think I was a hard nosed so and so anyway so dealing or not dealing with such people isn't a problem for me. I don't deal with many people now days. I have social anxiety with panic attacks so I just don't have many people I deal with. I am pretty outspoken also and I just tell them what I think.
2 people like this
@rogue13xmen13 (14403)
• United States
17 Nov 11
I know how you feel about that. I get so mad at people who deliberately do stupid things when everything is going just fine. Of course, there are a long list of things that peeve me, and I really would not know where to begin on that.
The one thing is though, you are not anyone's crisis handler. It's not your fault that they cannot handle their own life and you shouldn't have to deal with their problems.
One time, my friend, who I hadn't spoken to in a long time, told me that he was hearing voices, and that he wanted to kill himself. I told him that I wasn't a therapist of a counselor and that he needed to get himself checked into a hospital. He was mad and angry that I would say that, but it was for his own good. The next thing I did was I got on Facebook, and talked to his brother and told his brother to handle him because I couldn't and I should be held responsible for whatever happens to him. His brother never responded back, but for my friend's sake I hope that he did get help, and it would have been great if his brother had gotten back to me just to tell me that he got help, but I didn't even get that.
Some people... you just really have to wonder because you can tell that they need help, but for some reason they just aren't willing to get it or they aren't willing to do the right thing. They expect you to be able to help, but if you aren't a trained professional, then there is really not much that you can do for them. They expect you to be able to handle their problems, but you can't, and you know what? You shouldn't have to.
2 people like this
@rogue13xmen13 (14403)
• United States
23 Nov 11
I agree people need to start learning how to solve their own problems, that's what I am doing.
1 person likes this
@cripfemme (7698)
• United States
9 Jan 12
I personally like helping other people out. It doesn't bother me where does you apparently. The people in my community know that I'm a person they can lean on. Personally I think that's my duty to humanity. There have been some people I tried to help over and over again who didn't, in the end, want help I think. And eventually I stopped offering them help unless they demonstrated that they had changed seriously. But I hope I will never be as jaded as you seem to be.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
18 Nov 11
hi hvedra I just don't deal w ith them now, My husband was the one whom every down and out person came to for help and more help and more help. However once helped, they came on back and we were in trouble and asked for a helping hand , they were in shock, not willing to give what we had given and turned their backs. We survived
and they were again in trouble. This time my too kind husband did not answer the door. So they found someone else. Like my husband said God helps those who first try to help themselves.so true.
1 person likes this
@tessah (6617)
• United States
17 Nov 11
oh yer singing to the choir here. up to my eyeballs in my own troubles.. not self imposed for the record.. and everyone i know is aware of whats going on within my family here.. and yet still have the need to come my way to bend my ear with their petty gossippy inconsequential bu||s*t to the point i wanna scream. and the only ones really wanting to be there to help me through my crap.. are evenmore gossipy not interested in being there for me.. but to acquire more fuel for their gossip mongering tongues to have something to wag to others to in turn cause more problems than i had already *screams*
call me cold.. uncaring.. even soulless. i dont care anymore ive had enough.. get a shrink!
rant done.. thank you.. know how ya feel.. and yer not a meanie =o)
2 people like this
@hvedra (1619)
•
21 Nov 11
Oooh, gossipy people, don't get me started.
Too late, you did!
One of the rules DH and I have in our relationship is to never argue in front of other people. You can be arguing over something silly or something serious but it doesn't matter to a gossip, they just want that fuel for their fire!
Especially with personal stuff, there's rarely anything a non-professional third party can help with anyway so another of our rules is that our personal stuff is nobody else's business.
Too late, you did!
One of the rules DH and I have in our relationship is to never argue in front of other people. You can be arguing over something silly or something serious but it doesn't matter to a gossip, they just want that fuel for their fire!
Especially with personal stuff, there's rarely anything a non-professional third party can help with anyway so another of our rules is that our personal stuff is nobody else's business.