I feel really hurt

The point is that it is very hard to trust and be open with someone if that person is judgemental all the best urban

Hi urbandekay: I think there are two possibilities: 1. The thing that he has hide from her was very important. In this case that's a big problem because he is showing that he doesn't trust on his own wife But even if the subject is not that important which is this second option, there might be a communication problem to be solved because, for our friend, she felt hurt because she has been open to her husband. So in both cases I think you and your husband should try to make an effort to improve the way you communicate and to trust on each other more than you do right now. ALVARO

that is true, urbandekay - think of some children who don't tell their parents what they are doing because they know their parents will come down hard on them. If you were a kid and say, stole something - like a candy bar - and ate it - and your parents didn't know - if you knew that telling them would lead to them grounding you or worse - plus shouting at you - would you tell them? Probably not. But if you knew your parents would discuss it with you and ask you if you felt it was good to do something like that, and what do you think the further consequences of stealing are - an open discussion - you most likely would tell them because you would know they wouldn't be judging you or coming down on you. If one is afraid someone else would be judgmental and harsh, one might not share something hidden or secret.

Hi deliar: I'm sorry to know that you also had a similar situation than our frind. However I agree with you on your last statement. Hurting the person you love in the same way he has done to you just makes things worst. ALVARO

Hi Deliar, I'm sorry to hear as well that you have faced dishonesty. It really does hurt when a person lies to us.It's hard when they lie once but to continously lie is another ball game. It is right to just be the better person and try to work on the relationship. Hopefully he will be honest and not lie anymore.

yes, ALVARO.,. i think, revenge is not a solution, but it is a trouble maker. you will not be able to end your problem with revenge. revenge will make the problem become bigger and bigger. there are no end with revenge.

I'm pleased you were able to come up with the courage to speak to him. I sure hope that he keeps his word. It's such a shame when he expects so much from you but seems to think the same is not expected from him. Good luck my dear.

Thanks so much for your caring concern. I greatly appreciate you and our fellow mylotters expressing their feelings to me. I have talked to him about this and I'm pretty sure that we have an understanding on this now. I told him how hurt I was about him lying to me. I'm hoping that he doesn't do it again, I'm giving him another chance to gain my trust. And I sincerely hope he doesn't take it for granted. I don't want him keeping secrets from me and I don't keep secrets from him. There are my childhood friends that I grew up with who did bad things when they were young.They have changed and yet he didn't want me to ever hang out with them anymore when we got together. So for years I haven't and they have genuinely made changes and are family oriented individuals now. But he still holds this against them. So I really felt hurt when I fold out that he has been lying to me because there has been things such as this that he has asked of me and I listened and was honest. So I now hope that he will be open and honest. Because I have known these girls since we were kids and I put our friendship on hold because of him. Time will tell whether he will stay honest to me.

Yeah it often does cause us a lot of pain. And when an individual sets out to do something revengeful it often causes more pain and creates more problems. I'm hoping that as time goes on he will continue to be honest with me and not create and make excuses and lies.

Yeah perhaps we should have had a more in depth conversation about honesty. It's amazing to me how a person being dishonest makes me so upset and how lying to me was such a non chalent thing for him. Because he carried it on so well and over such a long period of time. I hope this time he doesn't betray my trust again. I have friends who have in the past made bad decisions and yet who now have changed. And yet he still views them in a bad light and doesn't want me to spend time with them. He holds grudges against them and doesn't forgive. I haven't spent time with them because I know how he felt but I've let him know that I will spend time with them. And he is not going to affect this because he lied to me and really can't say anything about who i spend my time with anymore.

Thanks so much for your help. I agree with you that what you said is a good idea. I hope that things will improve and get better. We are working on our communication skills. That way what we want is hopefully understood. I hope you have a good night.

Does he have any clue as to how frustrated you are? It must be pretty bad if you're even toying with the idea of ending your relationship. Has he been diagnosed with a mental disorder? One of my closest friends had her marriage fall apart because her husband has a mental disorder (bipolar) that he refuses to seek treatment for. I hope you go forward with the right decision-no one deserves to be lied to on a repeated basis. Good luck!

Yeah I agree with you those are absolutely ridiculous excuses. It is really sad. It so awful when a person convinces themselves that they aren't lying when they are. We have had our share of rough times and only time will tell what will happen with our relationship because I'm really getting tired of the whole situation.

You deserve to be happy. If the relationship isn't making you fulfilled and happy , then end it. I know it is hard but you Need to be with someone who lifts you up when you are down and makes you happy.

Thanks I just wanted to let you know the things that you said made a lot of sense. We do have to ask ourselves if we can live with the situation way we are in. Yeah and it wouldn't be good to turn out that way. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who feels it's important to be honest. Like you said if the person you are with isn't honest with you about everything then you would leave. Yeah and that is the thing that most relationships where someone does something that another strongly dislikes then the relationship usually ends. As of now we are still together. But as time goes I see things continue to get worse unfortunately.

CORRECTION; hoe=how

The thing about forgiving and forgetting. Forgiving is the easy part of it. Although we never really forget, we need to act as if we forgot by not continually bringing it up again as if we did forget. Thats the hard part. Remember to keep the line of commucation open. thats so important.

I agree getting even isn't worth all the time or problems that it would cause. Forgiving and forgetting is easier said than done. But I hope that we both now have a better understanding of what we want and expect out of our relationship. That way we can move on past this ordeal and improve our relationship.

I completely agree with you. If both partners are expected to be honest then they both should be that. A lie is a lie there's no way of looking around it. Hopefully he will be honest with me from here on out. Thanks for your response.

Thanks so much for your help. I too agree that once trust is broken it is hard to get it back. We have talked and I think that things are clearer for the both of us. It is hard to forgive but I hope that he will be honest from here on out. If he breaks my trust again I'm not sure that things will work out good for us. But we are working on things and I'm hoping for the best.

I agree that his answer was ridiculous. And I did talk with him about our marriage and that he needs to be honest with me. If we are going to have a good strong marriage then he's going to have to be honest. When a person starts to get in the habit of lying then they start to lie about all sorts of things and that creates distrust. I'm honest with him and I hope he will try and regain my trust by not lying.

Trouble is, you'll never really know, will you? I think we just have to make a decision to trust and if we find that trust has been betrayed, work on that issue alone. At that time. None of us are so perfect that we've all been boy scout honest with everyone all of the time. I think once an issue has been dealt with it's over and you go on, you don't bring it back up again to throw in someone's face even if that person does the same thing again. Otherwise, that means you are "keeping count" and haven't truly forgiven and moved on.

Thanks. I too agree that getting revenge would only make things worse. It's just that's how I'm feeling and thinking. It's just so crazy because I thought that things were very open and honest between us and I come to find these things out. If I wouldn't have found out on my own he wouldn't have told me. He would have just kept doing these things and not ever tell me.

I would agree with you that I feel that I'm more hurt that he lied to me than about what he did. What he did was wrong but I'm really hurt that he had been lying to me for such a long time. It makes me doubt him and think of other questions I should ask him about. Since he says he didn't tell me because I didn't ask there are a lot of things I don't ask him about because I don't think he would do them. But now it has caused me to need to ask him because he has broken my trust. We are working on getting through these tough times. And he understands that he has to be honest with me and I hope that he will.

To me a lie is a lie is a lie. Whether it's a straight out lie, a quote on quote little lie, or a lie of omission. Fortunately we have been able to get through this time and are doing better. I think know we definitely have a better understanding of what one expects from the other.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I do agree that it would only make matters worse. Those are just my thoughts and feelings about what he has done. A lot of the time we have thoughts and feelings but we don't act on them.

I agree with iuliuxd. You shouldn't do something that he doesn't like just to show how much it hurt. That just makes it worse. Maybe you should just sit down with him and tell him it hurt that he kept it from you for so long. Would it have hurt as badly if he had told you from the beginning? I think it might hurt a lot simply because he kept it a secret like he was ashamed or something.

Thanks so much. I'm glad that you are happy and out of that relationship. I too hope that my husband is being honest with me. For the most part I think that things have improved. But I have given my trust to him and I hope that he is being honest with me. That he isn't lying behind my back. That would be so aweful to go through all over again.

Thanks so much for your help. I too have come to learn that taking revenge isn't going to help anyone. I have talked with him about this and I hope that we are past those aweful times now. I also hope that he won't continue to lie and be dishonest with me. When people lie and are dishonest it takes awhile for the truth to come out but it usually does. So time will tell how things go for us. But right now we are doing better.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I too hope that things will improve and get better. We are working on things and so far it seems to be going good. I just hope that he doesn't break my trust again. As I'm not looking for the ways that he can break my trust. I'm just trusting in him to do the right thing. I hope that I won't be disappointed.

I agree that two individuals have their differences. And yet it is important to be open and honest with one another. And that we need to be honest with ourself and be the bigger person. That isn't always easy but is possible to do. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I appreciate the many different thoughts that have been shared with me here at mylot.