Giving a little to make amends, how far is too far?
@Masihi (4413)
Canada
November 27, 2011 10:17am CST
I'm a peacekeeper. Every time I speak up I basically make enemies. It's like some people in my life just - well, I really don't know what to call it.
Okay, so some of you know that I had to block a former foster sister because she was just mean to me, even after I apologised after my own mistake. I been trying to get ahold of my former foster mother for advise for a week now, only to have her ignore all my emails and phone calls. Until I called myself Betty. That's when she did respond.
About 20 years ago, I did call myself "Betty" short for Elizabeth until the school kids said some awful cruel things and sang mean songs like "Bety boo gonna poo on you". So I went by my full name Elizabeth, and Izzy for short. Ever since then, nobody made fun of Elizabeth or Izzy, and I was glad the teasing stopped. I fell in love with the nickname Izzy, and I always did love the name Elizabeth anyway. All this took place between 15-20 years ago. My foster mother at the time refused to call me Elizabeth, and said she wasn't going to put her family through a name change, even though I explained to her. Her and family members wouldn't respond to me unless I called myself Betty instead of Elizabeth/Izzy, and so it continues to this day.
Okay that was the history. This past week after the blowup with a former foster sister, and I was trying to contact her for advise, and she refused to respond. I then realised that I was saying "Love, Izzy" instead of "Love, Betty" So last night I emailed her and specially called myself Betty and she responded to me today in a timely fashion.
Well, now that the door of communication is open, (I hope!) and I'm wondering if this is a game that she's playing? She knows darn well that i hate the Betty name with a passion, and the story behind it (the kids at school). Is this normal for teenagers to have thier parents/foster parents to react this way? To even refused to call me by my real name Elizabeth? I'm not sure, Hubby and his mother think it's really strange. What's your opinion?
3 people like this
15 responses
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
27 Nov 11
Wow, I didn't know Betty short for Elizabeth, I just learned something today..
As for your nickname Izzy, I love that name, my niece whose name is also Elizabeth, her nickname was Zippy, but now she is called Beth.
As for your foster mom, she'd hate me, I use my name here, but in a different language, so it isn't a nickname, but sounds very different from my real name. She also sounds like someone you don't need to get advice from, she obviously doesn't respect your wishes to be called Elizabeth or Izzy.
As for your nickname Izzy, I love that name, my niece whose name is also Elizabeth, her nickname was Zippy, but now she is called Beth.
As for your foster mom, she'd hate me, I use my name here, but in a different language, so it isn't a nickname, but sounds very different from my real name. She also sounds like someone you don't need to get advice from, she obviously doesn't respect your wishes to be called Elizabeth or Izzy. 
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
28 Nov 11
Oh, that is a beautiful name, I think I have a FB friend with that name. Speaking of FB, have you visited your group since I became a member? I met a couple women there, they are nice..:)
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
27 Nov 11
Well, I am slated for therapy in the new year, so I can probably get professional advise from them, I was just hoping for advise from my 2nd foster mother simply because she knows my foster sister, that's all. I hate having to jump through all this game-playing, but well, I also am trying to salvage my relationship with her as well.
My name in Hebrew is Elisheba :-)
1 person likes this
@marguicha (223863)
• Chile
27 Nov 11
Hi friend,
While I think that actually calling you by your real name could be difficult for your foster mother (or for anyone who first called you by another name), it has nothing to do with awnswering a mail if she knows it´s you, and she does know. I don´t call my eldest daughter by her first name as I got used to call her by her middle name when she was a baby. But I know perfectly well that there are places where I have to call her by her first name as it´s her choice. And of course, if I know her mail I would answer it, no matter what she called herself or how she signed them. In fact, with my close friends, I make fun of myself with my signature. Now it´s "the bald witch of the South" (alluding to the chemo) but it used to be "the ol´witch of the South" and other nice nicknames I made up
.
By the way, I like Izzy better
.
By the way, I like Izzy better
@marguicha (223863)
• Chile
27 Nov 11
What I don´t understand is that she doesn´t answer you if you sign by your real name or your chosen nickname
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
27 Nov 11
Well, I guess. It's been nearly 20 years, though. But I'll try to tolerate it. Nobody else calls me Betty, though.
@GardenGerty (160998)
• United States
28 Nov 11
If this woman is so rigid about what name she accepts for you, how can she give a useful advice in your situation? Was she able or willing to keep the peace and facilitate a relationship with this foster sister twenty years ago? I would wonder about her ability or willingness to do so, if she cannot even call your by your name.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160998)
• United States
28 Nov 11
Your sentence where you say that you cannot even talk like an adult around her tells me a lot. You are an adult, and these people need to respect you as an adult.
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
28 Nov 11
Well, the foster kid came on the scene later, just a few years before I left, but well, right now she's not doing anything to smooth things over, she's acting as if it's nothing right now. I'm still waiting for the email response when I emailed her back saying I'd liek to talk in person.
After talking it out here on mylot, I am starting to realise that this is all stupid and childish on her part, I dont' want to put her down, but I don't know how else I can describe the situation. It would be nice if we can sit down and have an adult conversatoin, but I can't even talk like an adult around her because she's always in control and talking to me as if I'm in need of mental help and such.
Grrrrrr...
Anyway, thanks for responding, this discussion really did help open my eyes. I think I'm going to let her go and just let her contact me if she wants and such.
1 person likes this
@bird123 (10643)
• United States
27 Nov 11
Hmmm?? Aren't you making their problem, your problem? Do you think a name changes who you really are?? Call me anything. I will answer to Hey You. A Rose by any other Name would smell as sweet. It doesn't matter what everyone else does. It's what you do that counts. If they want to play the name game, don't let it bother you. Teach them with your kindness. Don't allow the actions of others to change who you really are or how you define yourself. That is what they are really after.
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
27 Nov 11
A lot of emotions going through me, but I do appreciate everyone's comments, though, both pro and con.
@gloryacam (5540)
• Philippines
28 Nov 11
I think it's more than just a name. It's the fact of emotional bullying ~ I won't talk to you unless you refuse to be called what I want to call you. I don't mind either way what people call me, in fact when people ask me how I'd want to be called, I say whatever pleases you. But, in Masihi's case, it's hurtful the way they refuse to accept that she is Elizabeth/Izzy. It's sad when people don't respect your wishes.
1 person likes this
@gloryacam (5540)
• Philippines
28 Nov 11
I love your name, Elizabeth. It's beautiful and elegant. And I'm sorry to hear that people you love refuse to listen to what you want. I think that the reason they want to call you Betty is to remind you about the past and let it haunt you for a long time. I guess that it's hard because you want to keep the peace between you and your step mom. But, I guess that if she loves you, let alone respect you, she would at least respond to you as Elizabeth/Izzy. I cannot think of any positive reason why they want to call you Betty when that name has obviously hurt you so bad that it still hurts you thinking about it today. If it gets too tiring to always have to work at being accepted, I guess it would be okay to not try hard enough and focus your time to those who will accept you as you are.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160998)
• United States
28 Nov 11
Gloryacam has just spoken a blessing to you. She is perceptive and kind. It is good to remember who you are. Masihi, you are of great value, and all the obstacles just make you reach higher.
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
28 Nov 11
I can't see any postive reason either, except to "not put the family through a name change" and plus she doesn't want to have to try to remember to call me Elizabeth.
I have another former foster sister who said she'll call me Elizabeth, she used to go by Cathy but since the name is too common, she prefers Catherine or Cat. So I started to call her Catherine. Catherine sounds much more sophisticated anyway, in my opinion.
@gloryacam (5540)
• Philippines
28 Nov 11
Yes, Catherine is beautiful. Your names are queens' and princesses' names. Pretty and elegant.
2 people like this
@fabsprecious (1565)
• United States
27 Nov 11
Personally I do find it a bit strange, your a grown up, but it sounds to me like they are being childish and are playing childish games. They should get over it and understand the fact that the name Betty is not one you wish to be called. I could understand when you were smaller and didn't have a say in it, but now it's about time they get over it. I personally think Elizabeth and Izzy are beautiful names as far as Betty is concerned, most of the people I knew with that name weren't good friends of mine, they were actually quite the opposite. They need to get a life or start enjoying a life with you as Izzy or Elizabeth.
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
27 Nov 11
ya, I was about 16 or so when I wanted to be called Elizabeth. I'm 34 years old now and have put the Betty nickname behind me so have everyone else that I was attending school with at the time as well.
@fabsprecious (1565)
• United States
27 Nov 11
It sounds like they need to put it behind it themselves and get over the fact that you are called Elizabeth and not Betty.
Well anyways I think Elizabeth is a beautiful name.
1 person likes this
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
1 Dec 11
Well, in my opinion she should of accepted your wishes to be called whatever you wanted since it was truly your real name anyhow. Sounds like a control issue maybe. It seems all we ever do is try to apologize for being our true selves when others should just accept us as we are as we do them..it's a two way street as the saying goes.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
28 Nov 11
this is very sad and yet it happens. but your foster should not be that darn mean about it. i named my oldest and he hates the name,plus hates the nick name we gave him. even though most of the family still calls him the nicname,we answer him if he signs or calls himself what he likes. he understands and we understand. i think your foster is just carrying this way to far. 
@greenfeathers (1206)
• United States
28 Nov 11
Sounds to me like they're just being petty control freaks. One could speculate a lot of ways as to why..I guess the question falls as to whether their advise is worth more to you than the name by which they recognize you and whether you're willing to sacrifice that personal identity for the weight of that advise. It seems obvious that they're not willing to compromise so how far are you willing to?
Enjoy!
@allknowing (137938)
• India
28 Nov 11
I couldn't help but put this quote here - What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. William Shakespeare ...
That's it Masihi. It sure is weird that your family does not respect you and call you by the name you prefer to be called. You have a reason and that they should truly consider. Is it that important for you to deal with people who are petty?
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
28 Nov 11
Ya, I think I'm starting to see the picture, it does look a little strange, I suppose. At first I was thinking being a peacekeeper, but still...I feel suffocated and not able to be myself when I did used to visit her at her home after I got married.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
27 Nov 11
I read about your foster sister last time. But I don't know the whole story of your foster mom. Well, not something you have to write anyway I am just wondering how can your foster parent actually only wanted to call you with the name you hated. What is with names? They've got to respect what you like for yourself, considering that you have bad memories about the name Betty.
I am just wondering how can your foster parent actually only wanted to call you with the name you hated. What is with names? They've got to respect what you like for yourself, considering that you have bad memories about the name Betty. 1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
27 Nov 11
I wouldn't have minded so much if it haven't been the cruel jokes and songs the kids made.
@bjc66bjc (6730)
• United States
28 Nov 11
Masihi, that sounds very strange..I am not sure why your
foster sister or any others of yoru foster family would be
so avid about calling you "Betty"...especially when they
do know that you don't care for that name...and why you
don't like it..
But let me say something to you...there become a time in
our life when we must change our way of thinking..our way
of doing things...we shouldn't always wait for others to
change...
You are no longer teased like you were in school and you
are not with those same people now...Think more of yourself
now..think of your accomplishments in life thus far
You are somebody and as long as you realize that
people you shouldn't let others make your life so difficult..
@MizTeacherLady (37)
• United States
27 Nov 11
Oh my goodness! You do not need the advise of someone who refuses to allow you to go by the name that brings you happiness. Anyone petty enough to refuse to acknowledge you unless you go by a name that brings you pain, is either someone who wants to hurt you, or wants to have some power or control over you. Sometimes one needs to shed people in their lives who bring nothing but misery. Surround yourself with people who value you, as you are. You get to decide who is important to you. If keeping someone near makes you have to compromise yourself, what is the benefit? Maybe they were important once. If so cherish their memories. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
27 Nov 11
I'm trying to, but I also want to keep peace. I hate it because it's like I'm bowing down to them, but if I'm going to be accepted by her....I dunno...
@MizTeacherLady (37)
• United States
27 Nov 11
I think you'll find more peace when you resolve yourself to be true to you, and your feelings, and not when you cater to a woman who refuses to let you be you. I understand, though. I always struggle when someone rejects me and I have done nothing wrong. It hurts. But get over the hurt if you can. :)
1 person likes this
@Sapphire_brean13 (55)
• United States
28 Nov 11
So, I read through this a couple of times, trying to put myself in your position, and to be honest, I don't think that your family is respecting you as an adult, let alone a person. I mean, honestly, I'm a lot like you, if I'm in a fight with a friend or family member, a lot of times I'll apologize first just to keep the peace, even if I'm right in the particular situation, but you're an adult now, and if your family can't respect you enough to at least meet in the middle with you about the name thing, then you need to tell them, they can either treat you with a little more respect or you simply won't talk to them, and if they care about you at all you'' be able to come to terms with them about this, and if not, then they aren't very nice people I'm afraid. But you will, either way, eventually have to stand up to them, you can't always let them push you over, you're your own person, and they need to respect that as much as anyone else in your life.
