Christmas dilemma

I think he makes me feel drained because I feel being pushed into a role. The bubbly cheerful talker because that is what he likes. I often become bubbly cheerful and talkative when I don't know what to say (and, obviously, do not feel particularly close to someone). Sound familiar? That is something I can definitely work on and should take a lot of the stress away.

By the way, it's not just "inviting him over". It means that he doesn't have to go into a hotel. He was talking about how he would like to spend Christmas around an older relative, but didn't want to spend all Christmas there as he ends up getting a bit stuck then, not having much to do. So I said, well, why don't you spend some time there and then drop by at my place on your way back, as he would also need a place to sleep on his way back home anyway. Sure, he could (and sometimes does, apparently) sleep in his car, but that is certainly not what I want to do over Christmas, letting someone I know sleep in the car not too far from where I am. So, okay, solved. I need to stop feeling pushed into a rule, stop allowing myself to get pushed into a role. No one is cheerful and bubbly and talkative 100% of the time anyway, but that is the part that makes me feel drained. (It's exhausting!)

"role", not "rule"

Then I agree, it does sound like he feels for you differently and it is probably best you don't take him in. Is there a friend you know who can possibly help him? If not, then I'd just tell him the truth, you don't feel the same and you'd feel uncomfortable with him alone in your apartment. He may try to talk you into it, but if I were you, I wouldn't take the chance, I'm just saying...

I live alone, in a very small apartment, and yes, I am a woman, but no, I don't have any faith. It is someone I met online, but many years ago, and I have met him several times and know other people who know him. I do trust him. And I too feel that Christmas is a time of hospitality. However, I also think that it may well end up being a situation in which he expects me to act on the basis of an attraction from me I don't feel, but he does. He's now starting to say things like how is attracted to me because of things that happened to me, and using words like "romantic". I didn't have "romantic" in mind. I just don't feel anything like that for the guy. I tried to tell him that a few times, but he's not really hearing it, which means that I am not being clear enough and/or confusing. It's a nice guy, in principle, and I don't want him to feel hurt, but I don't want to end up feeling (too) hurt either. I cherish my Christmas, I really do, and I never feel lonely when I am alone at Christmas. Maybe I am just making a big thing out of nothing. There are worse things than having someone with whom I don't have a whole lot in common (although he feels differently about that) stay at my place over Christmas. Bottom line seems to be that I will either have to tell him something else came up, or make clearer that I am not attracted to him in any way, other than friendship.

I will keep that in mind. Though kind, he's not necessarily a gentle guy, and he is stubborn and can get impatient, but that does not make him a bad guy. I still have weeks to think about how to defuse or avoid any too tense or awkward situations. He has a tendency to hear things that fit into how he thinks about me, and ignore everything that doesn't fit into his image, as far as I can tell. (That must be a nice way of living, at times!) He says he learns a lot from me. That is nice to hear, and it's also a nice thing to be able to do for someone else, even though I never set out to do anything like that. But that's how life goes, sometimes.

I have read most of your comments, and I am also a little concerned. If the reason that he is not "hearing" you about the fact that you do not feel romantically inclined towards him is just that you are being too vague in order to avoid hurting his feelings, then I think that you should definitely try to be more upfront and make your feelings clear. However, I also read that sometimes he just hears what he wants to hear. If you have been honest and very clear about your feelings of just friendship and he still is not understanding, then perhaps he just does not want to "hear" and understand. If that is the case, then it is not a good situation for you to invite him into your home to spend the night, in my opinion, because he might try to persuade you to change your mind. I am not suggesting that he would do anything bad or harm you, although I suppose that cannot be entirely ruled out, but I am more thinking that it would just be an awkward situation that you would have to endure and that is not ideal any time but especially not over Christmas.

The more I talk etc with him, the more I feel I have little in common with him. That in itself is not a reason not to let him stay. I do think he is expecting too much, yes, more than a friend helping out a friend. (See also the comment I posted a minute ago.) Well, okay, hearing the feedback from you all does make me think that I probably am making a much bigger thing out of it than it really is and that I should offer him the hospitality, but also find a way to be even clearer to him and prevent a bad situation (for him too). For me, Christmas is about hospitality and sharing (even though I do usually spend it alone) and in itself, having him around could be quite fun, maybe particularly because he is a very different person than I am. I am not quite who he thinks I am, he has me on some kind of pedestal, is pushing me into some kind of role. Maybe, LOL, having him around at Christmas would be the best way to change his view somewhat. Funny how relatively simple things can feel so complicated at times.

Yes, I was considering just telling him that something else has come up (which I can explain very easily), but I was curious whether someone else might come up with another solution or mention something that I have not thought of yet. The thing is, the guy has really helped me out a few times earlier this year. It complicates the situation, makes me feel I have to be more welcoming than this.

So it's because of that situation, that you want to return his goodness? I think, inviting him over for Christmas might give him a thinking that you like him. But yes, you can just make an excuse that you cannot invite him over for Christmas because your parents are somewhat not liking the idea of someone not of family, will be coming over or something like that.