Has it ever taken you a really long time to come to a decision?
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
United States
December 4, 2011 12:47pm CST
What is the longest amount of time you have ever spent trying to make a decision?
For me, it's been over a year and a half!
My Mother in law died in March 2010. When she died my father in law asked us to move in with him. This would not only help him with his bills (since he lost MIL's income) but would also keep him company and help him with various household chores because he is quite old and his health wasn't so good anymore.
We thought about it, but FIL's house was very messy and needed some repairs. Hubby slowly started working on those repairs and some of the cleaning while we thought about whether or not we would move in.
Meanwhile, things have gone downhill. FIL's health is getting worse and worse. He has leukemia, and was told in August that he'd have less than six months to live. (He was told on Thanksgiving day that the blood transfusions aren't working anymore, and there is nothing else that can be done, so they now give him less than 1 month).
The situation at our own home has also gone downhill. We live in a trailer park in a very cramped little space. Our trailer is falling apart piece by piece. My boys' bedroom floor caved in back in May.. we put up some plywood, but the rest of the floor is going to cave in very soon and we can't afford to replace an entire floor.. nor do we really want to put any money into this place that we honestly cannot stand to live in. We hate it here.. for hundreds of reasons.. but I won't get into that.
So we had many times when we seriously considered FIL's offer. I even started packing more than a year ago to make the move. Hubby's aunt has given us money to help with cleaning and repairing FIL's home to make it suitable for our kids.
But then something would make us change our minds and decide to stay here. Typically the cause was the general state of FIL's house. It's a very old house, and it is really very messy. We had times where we felt like it would never be clean enough for us. We are still not completely convinced it will ever be clean enough. Basically, the entire house needs to be remodelled, but that is not an affordable option at this time.
We've done what we can. We've painted a few of the rooms.. the ones that were the worst. We bought a steam cleaner and have cleaned all the other rooms with that. We've ripped out old carpeting, and used cleaning chemicals on every square inch of the home. Some rooms still look and smell dirty even though they've been cleaned to the best of our ability.
But FIL is dying, and will be dying soon. The house will be left to us when he goes.. so we had to decide once and for all if we want to keep it or not.
It was a tough decision, but in the end we decided we are going to move into the house.
Over all the house is in okay shape. It is old, and the walls are covered in plaster instead of drywall. But the roof is in good shape, the foundation is good, the furnace and hot water heater are new, and the electric was upgraded a few years ago. Those are the important things.
We can paint and clean and fix and remodel as we go.
We can make that house better. Where as the place we're currently living will only get worse.
And since FIL's health is getting so bad, we've decided to speed up the moving process so as to spend his last remaining days surrounded by family which will allow him to stay in his home until he dies instead of going to a nursing home like everyone has been pushing for recently.
We're moving next weekend. I am a little apprehensive. Naturally it's not a house I would have chosen to move into if I had the choice.. but our finances will not currently allow us to choose a home we would like better to live in. As things progress we can choose to move in a few years if our finances allow.. or we can just keep putting money into that house to make it nicer.
Overall, I think the move will benefit everyone. FIL will have us around for company and help during his last few weeks/days. The kids will have more space and a large yard and nicer neighbors. And hubby will have piece of mind that he's doing what is right by his father.
4 people like this
14 responses
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
4 Dec 11
Hubby is really hoping FIL can hold out until Christmas so he can spend the day watching the kids open presents and all that. Personally, it's mostly the idea of living with FIL that has me apprehensive. I worry about privacy, and being in the way, and he is deaf so he blasts his TV. But these are all short term problems that I can live with for the time being to make everyone else happy in the long run.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
5 Dec 11
I have been with you from the beginning and it seems to me that the timing now is right for you and your family. A year or so ago it wasn't the right time for you to do this although you spent time and energy to help him. My only reservation is that you do get help with the nursing as he will need constant care and this is too much for you to manage.Of course, he would prefer to be in his own house for the ast few weeks. You thought long and hard over this and there are many advantages to you moving including the large yard space for the children. As you say - the roof and foundations are good and you can do it up one room at a time. I wish your FIL a peaceful passing and will pray for him. In your heart I think you know this is the best thing to do for you and your family. Many blessings my friend.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
5 Dec 11
FIL went back into the hospital last night. His condition is getting worse. He might not make it through the next week. Hard to say yet if he's going to come back home at all.. it all depends on if he can get through the latest procedure.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
5 Dec 11
On Thanksgiving day we were told the transfusions weren't working anymore, that is when they said he had less than a month. Now the white blood cells are clogging up his blood vessels due to the overproduction. He had a procedure last night that filtered the blood from his body to skim off the excess white blood cells.. but they think this is what is going to kill him, and it will be soon.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
5 Dec 11
There does reach a time when the body rejects any more blood transfusions. This hapened to a friend of mine earlier this year and she fought so hard. I just want his passing to be peaceful. Many blessings
@GardenGerty (160665)
• United States
4 Dec 11
This is a decision you had to come to through a process. I will say that it will be cheaper in the long run to work on making the house one you would have chosen than trying to buy one. I think it is very fair to the kids, as they need the space and the security of a home that is not falling down. You have named the major systems, foundation, roof, heating, hot water, electric. The other improvements may be air conditioning and new windows. Plumbing may be an issue. It is still more secure and safer than where you are now. The only real down side I see is that you will have that SIL still screaming "moocher" when anyone can see that you are helping. Logical people will know that you have done everything you can to help FIL.You know that for yourself as well. Good luck on this move. You will be in in time for Christmas. Do you get to sell the trailer you are in. If you have not already gotten Hospice involved, I think you should do that as well. They provide great support walking through the dying process with family, while still embracing the life that is there.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
4 Dec 11
A lot of the windows are new as well. The plumbing is something hubby has been working on slowly. The drains did not work for awhile, but he has got them working. He replaced the pipes that would go to the washing machine. Today he is replacing faucets in the kitchen and bathroom, and he's replacing the toilet. The only other thing that needs to be fixed is the bathtub drain and I have his promise that he'll fix that today also. But then if you look at it.. our plumbing here is terrible also. We've had a leak under the kitchen sink ever since we've moved in. Hubby fixed it once or twice.. but in order to repair it completely we'd have to remodel our entire kitchen counter since it had been done cheaply before we moved in, and as I said, we do not want to dump more money into this place since it is going to be a never ending problem.
Surprisingly, SIL has been different lately. She has been more helpful towards FIL. She has been bringing him to appointments, and bringing him grocery shopping. She brought some beds over to the house for my kids to use once we move in because we won't be bringing the bunk beds with us. She knows we still plan to move in, and she knows the house was left to us in the will. Whether or not she'll think us "moochers" for moving.. I honestly don't care. I do not value her or her opinion of us.
In a way the move is helping us quite a bit. But if we were moochers we would not have waited so long to make this move.
As far as the trailer goes we cannot sell it. There is a lot of red tape placed on it by the trailer park. First they have to approve anyone we sell it to.. and we still owe some money on it. We bought it for $10,000 2 years ago and made monthly payments of $150. Unfortunately that was a foolish mistake because it's never been worth even half of that. A friend of mine recently bought a trailer in a different park and it's in better shape than ours and she only paid $4,000. So I'm a little angry at myself for that decision that we made.
We have not renewed our lease, and the park was recently sold to new owners.. so I can't really say what they'll do about it.. but that is a bridge we'll cross once we come to it.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (160665)
• United States
4 Dec 11
I am glad the SIL is being civil at this time. I had not really thought of the indoor aspect of the plumbing. I was thinking of water and sewer lines, because we have had to do that in the last few years. Any place you live, even if it is a brand new home, is going to have some maintenance. I am glad your hubby can do all the things he is for the repairs.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
4 Dec 11
Yes, between this house and that one he's learning quite a lot about maintenence and general repairs.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
4 Dec 11
I think it's a great thing for y'all to do. U can get that house fixed up as u can & as long as it's clean to me that would be the most important thing.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
5 Dec 11
It is not yet as clean as I would like it.. but it is taking a lot of time and effort to get it to where it is now. I think moving in there would get it cleaner faster. As it is we can only go over once a week to clean.. and in a week's time it just gets dusty and messy again, so our efforts aren't really paying off. If we lived there it would get cleaned more frequently and maintained.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
6 Dec 11
I agree. U will have it looking spiffy very soon. GOOD LUCK.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
9 Dec 11
I think that the only decisions that we make in our lives are the ones that take us a long time to make. With that said, I really do think that you are making the right decision for your entire family.
Yes, the house might not be perfect, but the time that your husband and the children will be able to spend with your father-in-law is something that you would never be able to replace.
In addition, I've learned myself that a house doesn't have to be perfect to live in it, you can make the changes that you need to make as you are able to afford them.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
12 Dec 11
The move has been made, and I am sort of in between about it all. It has it's good sides and bad. We have more space, more privacy, and the kids have a yard and all that.. but there is still so much work and cleaning to be done. The only reason I haven't lost my head yet is because I know it can be cleaned. I used to think it was impossible, but we've come a long way with this place. If you could have seen it a year ago versus where it is now you'd be amazed. Even though most of the rooms are still rather gross, I've told my hubby that it really is impressive how it looks now.
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
12 Dec 11
Just today I was thinking of another topic for a discussion, and when I was about to put in something about indecision, I realized you've already beat me to it by more than a week!
My discussion was supposed to be about my van which I knew had transmission problems. I kept delaying the decision to bring it to the shop as I know I didn't have money to get it fixed. Anyway, I finally brought it in last Friday, and I have until tomorrow to give the go-ahead to get it fixed. This of course after I found out that it would cost me almost $2000 to get it repaired.
Maybe if I had it fixed right away it wouldn't cost me as much.
I think this is a good decision for your family. I think that a house, however much it needs repair, would be a good stabilizing factor for your family. Not to mention a calming feeling for your hubby. Goodluck!
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
12 Dec 11
Aww, sorry about your car troubles! Personally I'd just chuck it and get a new vehicle, but then again I rarely pay for than about $3,000 for my vehicles in the first place. Don't like the idea of having another monthly bill to finance one, so at tax time I replace whatever vehicle needs replacing. This year looks like it will be my van, again. Just bought it last tax season, but she's not doing so hot and I can't afford even minor repairs. Life is tough sometimes!
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
5 Dec 11
I'm sorry to hear about your father in law. I hope the move goes smoothly. At least your kids don't have to switch schools or anything in the move. Is the house paid off? That would really save you money if you didn't have to make a payment every month.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
5 Dec 11
No, there is a mortgage on the house. He took out a 2nd mortgage about 6 years ago to buy us the house we used to live in before here. It is not really too expensive. Between the mortgage and taxes we'd only pay $100 per month more than we do here. But if we pay the taxes yearly we will pay less per month than we do here. Of course we could always try to refinance the house or something in a few years.
@GreenMoo (11834)
•
5 Dec 11
It sounds like a fine plan, and I wish you luck with the move.
I don't know the answer to your question about how long it takes to think things over. Most of the time I make decisions pretty quickly. but there are those that I put off. I don't think of them in terms of things I'm thinking over, but I guess that what my subconscious mind is doing.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
5 Dec 11
Well this decision carried a lot of weight. It's not as simple as what to have for dinner tonight. Once we decided to make the move, there's no going back. So that is why it was such a hard decision. At least with deciding to stay here, we always still had the option of chaning our minds.
@Robswife2006 (1208)
• United States
4 Dec 11
It sounds like to me that you are making the right decision. Take it from me you don't want to be left with any regrets on what you should have done or could have have done after your FIL passes away. I am talking from experience here. I have a lot of regrets & guilt when it comes to my Mother. There are a lot of things I wish I had done differently but now it's too late & I have to live with that. This just adds to my grief that I am still feeling even though it's been 2 years since my Mom passed away. Today all that you can for your loved ones while you still can, but once their gone it will be too late.
@EavesJ (95)
• United States
5 Dec 11
We all at one point in time have had to make a tough decision. It could have been over something small, but it was really a big thing to you. Yes I have had to make a tough decision before. Much like your decision it was, far as moving. We lived with my wife's mom and it came down to me getting tired of her mother's mouth. She was always right and never wrong thing, even if she was wrong. But moving out has it's ups and downs. Such as getting a better job to offord a house or rent. To sum it up, it took me about 2 1/2 yrs. before I finally said "I've had enough and called about a house. I hate making tough life decisions. Kind of scary to not know how life is going to be once you've made up your mind. The ones you thought you could trust, really can't be trusted. Live with someone for long enough and you too will notice how their living style and attitude will change.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
5 Dec 11
A long time ago I let my mother move in with us, and it was much the same situation. I do not like living with other people beyond my husband and kids. It's true that if you spend too much time with a person the relationship will suffer. I hope now that you are not living with your mother in law that you can get along a little better with her.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
4 Dec 11
I think this is not about taking a lont time to make a decision.
This is about the fact you know it won't work.
You have way too much doubts and personally I would not move over to that place at all.
I do understand it might be helpfull for your father in law but his house is no solution. It's a waste of time, energy, money and it will still be a dirty, old place for you and your kids. You just try to convince yourself it would be great for all of you.
So there is only 1 solution: find a new place for all of you and forget about the old places.
The other option is you both stay where you are. Somehow it sounds to me as if your father in law doesn't have a long life anymore.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
4 Dec 11
I respectfully disagree completely. You do not have all the facts, but I will not get into them.. that would take too long.
@enelym001 (8322)
• Philippines
5 Dec 11
Hi katsmeow,
I think it's just normal sometimes that we decide on smethng so long. Because we are considering a lot of things. It is just right to move in with your FIL he needs someone to be with him on his last days and I think he will feel happy when he leaves seeing around his family. You are right, the old house can be renewed. I guess when you have earned some money, you can start by remodeling the house slowly.
