can i not have 1 holiday with MY family?
@xmichelletarax (370)
United States
December 4, 2011 9:46pm CST
ever since i got with my fiance we have been getting forced to go to his moms house for holidays. it wouldnt be that bad if she lived a bit closer but because of the travel involved it is always a whole day thing.
i mean she invites my mom up with us, but i mean i missed out on thanksgiving with my father and sister, now im going to miss Christmas too. my sister is only 5 and expects me to be there but if i say that i cant to his moms house then it means im trying to tear their family apart.
its not my fault he wont go up there without me.
and what about my family?
and his mom just sprung it on us that she is taking my fiance and going to NYC right before Christmas.
like "hey thanks a lot."
i cant stand it but last time i stood up to her it about it almost ripped my fiance and i apart.
what do i do?
10 responses
@SIMPLYD (90722)
• Philippines
5 Dec 11
I think you must have a heart to heart talk about this with your fiance. Tell him your apprehensions about these things specially the holidays being spent with his Mom.
It's really difficult to deal with this, since this will mean that it will be like this, if you are already married to him. Everyone needs a space also, and everyone needs to have some time for his/her own family too. It's hard pleasing a mother-in-law and ending up miserable. 
@SIMPLYD (90722)
• Philippines
5 Dec 11
Well, at least at this early you know how you will be in your man's life once you are his wife already. Would you like that your husband is a Mama's boy, because it seems that he is?
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
6 Dec 11
honestly he really is and i cant say i love that but i cant say i hate it either, ya know that saying "how a guy treats his mother says alot about how he will treat you"?
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
5 Dec 11
i told him he could go alone but he doesnt want to.
i think part of the reason he doesnt want to is because when he is there alone, she either invites over all these girls and trys to get him to leave me for one of them. or she sits there and talks bad about me and trys to get him to leave me.
but do you think he can tell her off even nicely with out her having a fit about how i tear them apart or some crap?
i have done nothing to her except give up time for ourselves and my family and money to get him up there all the time to see her.
i just dont know anymore :( the stress that woman puts on me is totally ruining the holidays for me. i dont even want Christmas to come anymore and i know thats horrid to say and everything but i really just dont know anymore
@ShyBear88 (59347)
• Sterling, Virginia
5 Dec 11
Okay really you two need to sit down and talk or youll never communicate the way you need to when your married. You yell him that you live his family but you loves yours too and it's not far that eery holiday is spent with his family you have another family even when your married and have kids you need to share time with then as well. Make a plan like evey other holiday evey other year. This is what me and my husband do. We did thanksgiving down by out parents and now for Christmas we are staying home and if any of our family wants to see us they can come down here to see us because ita not far for us to spend 9 hour drive with a child under 1 that turns into 12 hours every holiday. They where okay it because they love us both. Families are about communicating and you don't need to be together eery holiday to show your love for each other and have a good time. Some times others should give to you and not to then all of the time. Your man should want to celebrate the boulders with both sides of the family yours and his.
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
5 Dec 11
he wants to spend it with my family too, the problem we are facing is not wanting to set his mother off, which she will flip out and that is never pretty.
its no 9 hour drive to her house, its more like an hour and a half, but we were ordered (yes ordered) to be at her house at 9 am. and with her we would never get out before like 9-10 pm. she is a crazy wack job.
his mother would never dream about giving to us or even making life easy on us. its always about her.
all year long she yells whenever she finds out he has a day off of work, even when it is a scheduled day off, she expects him to work like 12 hour shifts 7 days a week, but now she is demanding that he take a week off of work right before Christmas to go to NYC with her. im sorry but if she drags him down there you would think she would let us spend christmas with my family but that will never happen.
its really not my fiances and my communication, its his psychopathic mother
@ShyBear88 (59347)
• Sterling, Virginia
5 Dec 11
You two just need to step up and be an adults an tell her even I'd it hurts her feels and she should respect that you two want to be with others on the holiday if not then you guys shouldn't go. If someone thinks there more important then others then there not worth neon around periods. Even when me and my husband lied 10 minutes from people we made the rules it's our lives we live it our way not there way and if want to be there we will your not obligated and you can't be order by anyone your own person an the linger you let people tell you want to do the more they are going to control things and the worses it vets. I'm talking from experiences on that one. We had to pretty much cute a big chunk of people out of our lives to make the point we are the adults two and we are our own group and when one doesn't want to go we don't go. It's going to get harder with kids be Use the. You want them to see everyone on the same day but it doesn't work too well some times of there is a distances between the two sets of families.
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
5 Dec 11
i wish it was as easy as just standing up and telling her... she is a fricken psychopath. she doesnt take no for an answer
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
6 Dec 11
that is a very valid suggestion. and i wish it would work but
1. his mother never travels to see her kids, they are always made to go see her.
2. putting his mother in the same house as my father is a very baddd idea. i dont know how i could describe that to you... kind of like putting the Nazis and the jews in the same room. (no offense meant to anyone)but it would end very very badly
@thewonderboy (7501)
• India
5 Dec 11
so that every one comes under one house and it helps to celebrate the holidays and this christmas wounderfully.
@davaome (1826)
• Philippines
5 Dec 11
Your still fiances right? that doesn't really mean family yet, so i would suggest, that you ask permission to say with your family for this particular holidays, because it seems to me that the decision making is very one sided, or maybe you agreed to it not really wanting to disappoint your fiance. but nonetheless, You should have a talk with your fiance about this matter that you want to spend your Christmas with your family this time. and maybe go with your future step mother on the New years. have an agreement about that matter because time seems to be not on your side. the sooner you talk to him the better. If neither parties don't want to give way, then, you go different directions then, you go home to your family and he goes to his family. Just make sure you don't argue too much about it.
I would definitely suggest that you make a stand, just for now so that in the future he will know that their are things that he should consider when making decisions on where to spend the holidays.
well good luck to you :)
cheers
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
6 Dec 11
i dont need permission from him to do what i want. its not him at all its his mother.
not that i need her permission i just dont need the headache that is going to come with telling her i cant be there. she will start a war.
thanks :)
@squallming (1775)
• Malaysia
5 Dec 11
Oh no... looks like you have a pretty bad situation there. Developing a relationship will face certain challenges. Yours is to change the wrong thought of your fiance's mother. Tell her that you mean no harm and you are sorry that you ever confronted her previously. Let her know that you value both them and your family and assure her that you won't take away her son.
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
6 Dec 11
i have tried this many times, she just doesnt listen to a word i say.
it is all about her, her way or no way.
she is impossible to talk to and if you go against her wishes in any way she completely flips out.
we tried to talk to her and told her we would be up on Christmas but it would be more like 10:30 am instead of 9:00 am and she freaked out.
now she is demanding he go to dinner with her tomorrow, even though i have to be at the doctor, we have to help my dad level his camper, get our Christmas tree because tomorrow is the only day my mother is off of work, he has to go to work, and a million other things that she demands be moved to fit her schedule.
demanding that he goes to NYC with her the week after Christmas, like the 26th through the 30th. even though i have a very important doctor appointment on the 28th. she refused to listen and demanded he go with her and i change my appointment, i have already waited 7 months to see this doctor and i really need to go, i cant change it but she refused to listen to us.
nothing i say gets through to her.
@xmichelletarax (370)
• United States
6 Dec 11
hahahaha :) good idea, or just make sure his mother isnt a complete psychopathic bi**h
@jazel_juan (15746)
• Philippines
5 Dec 11
Wow if you feel that way then you should have a clear line of communication. Because if the two of you will be reciting those marriage vows there will be no turning back. So before it all start, have that talk. Clear things up, maybe you and her needs to have a compromise. Where will you spend Christmas, if you and her go to her parents or this time to your parents.. or maybe spend the time just the two of you and devote two separate days for each family.. its a matter of compromise and a matter of understanding each other..and if she will be able to understand you then she is worth it.
@ebuscat (5935)
• Philippines
5 Dec 11
For me yes it is very good you get that idea the bonding is best in you both keep up the good work happy holiday.
@kingparker (9673)
• United States
5 Dec 11
You can't do both family together and spend the holiday right? I mean, you have to do what you gotta to do, spend your Christmas without your fiance just for this year. He has to spend the time with his family, and you have to spend your Christmas with your family too. So, just one day, it won't such a big deal, you got a whole year living with your fiance though.
@zuzaki68 (16)
•
5 Dec 11
be legal first! (married). your fiance must know your responsibilities with your family. both of you have a responsibilities in your family as well. and when you get married you and your fiance have much time to yourselves. :) try to remind your fiance that you have a family since you are couple try to get some holiday with your family. :) God bless
