He "loves" you, but not your special needs child...

That is how love, and life is supposed to work. We never know at what moment something will happen and we will find that we will be handicapped or dealing with disabilities or special needs. If we cannot trust someone to love our children, we cannot trust them to always care for us either. It sounds like your mom found a good partner.

Manda, that's so neat about your mom and stepfather. I'm glad he loved you and your mom enough to take care of both of you. That's so important. It's the best thing in the world to have people in your life who fulfill you and love you no matter what. Like GG said, we never know when we could be put in the same situation. It's those who truly love us enough to stick through it all that will be around through anything. I'm so glad your mom wouldn't accept anything less than the best for you and for her. That's wonderful that your stepfather knew right off the bat what was expected of him. I sure wish Becky would've kept the bar high and not accepted anyone into her life who didn't love Sara too. It's amazing how much Sara is taken for granted by Becky's partner. It's really a sad situation, but I'm so glad you didn't have to go through anything like that! Your mom was smart to make her rules known from the start! Thanks for sharing!!

First thanks for the best response. I believe I was born outside the box. And I was raised to be honest. I believe I Have to voice my views because they are so very different than the norm. It wouldn't be fair to a guy to Not know that I don't want kids or to marry. If we didn't talk about it he would assume I would want flowers, which I loathe, and a ring. And he would be so upset at my reaction. And that's not fair! As for Becky, I hope her Sara will be ok . And that both are happy in the new year.

Sara, you bring a really great and interesting perspective to this discussion - thanks! I've always loved how honest you are. If you don't want kids, there's nothing to gain by keeping it secret from the person you're trying to form a relationship with. If you get it out there from the start, there are no surprises. In Becky's case, I don't know how the whole thing started. I've just since a glimpse of it now years down the road...I see only the end result of an unresolved issue that's been allowed to build and build over the years. However, I think honesty, as you said, is always best. There's no sense in being surprised when the guy "pretends" he likes kids to get into this relationship with this woman he supposedly loves. It's not real love if you can't accept everything about your partner. Maybe Becky's partner thought that if he got to know Becky, Sara would grow on him...or maybe he thought the issue would go away or get better if he and Becky dated, starting living together, or whatever. You do have a point, though. Sara is Becky's child, not her partner's. He had nothing to do with bringing her into this world, so he probably feels no obligation to care for her. Refusing to acknowledge her is pushing it, though, in my opinion. Maybe he shouldn't care for her because she isn't his child, but if he chooses to live under Becky's roof, it might not be a bad idea to pitch in and help Becky...not so much because he has an obligation to Sara, but because he supposedly loves Becky. I definitely see your point, though, about a woman who brings a child into the world not needing help from a man either. Sometimes I feel like if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. If my hubby and I have kids someday, though, I'll be sure to let him help out, especially when it comes to changing diapers - LOL! (Now I see why you don't want kids - HAHAHA!!) My hubby would've helped me bring them into the world, so he would be semi-responsible too. Thanks for your great angle to the discussion. I always love getting your take on things. Take care, my friend!!

You're so welcome! Harsh? Absolutely not. Honest? Yes! You know how I appreciate honesty, no matter how blunt. You make a good point...I really didn't think about the way things used to be when a woman birthed a baby. Now I always hear about a woman having a baby while her husband is away in the military or something, and how horrible it is that he won't be there for the birth. That doesn't make him any more or any less of a father if the child is his, I don't think. Those things happen, and it's just the way life goes. I like your ultimatum with your choice on having kids and your man. You know your man is in it for good when he knows you don't want kids and is completely fine with it. It's great that there are still men out there who can respect what a woman wants instead of running for their life - lol! Like you, I think Becky should've made her desires clear from the very beginning. Again, it's that communication thing (or lack thereof in her case) that can make or break it for people. It's always better just to lay it all out there. No one can be upset when that approach is taken because there will be no mystery or questions asked after the fact. I haven't heard anything else regarding Sara, but I know something is up, and there may be some changes made to the situation come next year. We shall see! By the way, a much deserved BR for you, my friend. Thanks for always being honest and thinking outside the box!!!

That's the way it is with some people. Nurturing becomes almost an obsession. I'm all for nurturing but there is a point where it is not good. I hope her eyes are opened, too.

You're exactly right. He doesn't love her, but he loves what she does for him. As I was telling GG above, Becky takes excellent care of her daughter, and I think she probably does just the same with her partner. She probably takes such good care of him that he doesn't want to leave ever. Knowing what I know that she's probably really patient with him and in no hurry to kick him out, whether he helps out or not. I really hope, for her sake, that her eyes are opened to the situation in front of her. I agree with you that he should accept her and her daughter; otherwise, he should be honest with himself and Becky that he can't be in long-term relationship with her.

Another thing I forgot to mention is that Becky probably doesn't even see it, but it's like she has two children at home - her special needs daughter and her partner. Since she does such a great job caring for people and nurturing them, she probably doesn't even realize how hard she'd make it for her partner to leave! LOL!! Thanks for your response too.

I know, the whole situation tells you what kind of a person he really is.

What I know of Becky's boyfriend, (which I found out from another coworker) he most definitely is a jerk. I don't know if it's simply an emotional commitment right now, but something is causing Becky to stick with him no matter what. If she could just pull herself away from the situation and look on it with an unbiased opinion, she might actually see the situation for what it has become. I don't think Becky and him will ever make a legal commitment like marriage or anything. They're fine with living together as partners for the rest of their lives since that's what they've done the last ten or fifteen years anyway. I don't know that her man has legal rights to anything of hers (if something were to happen to Becky), but he lives with her in her house. It'd be better if he didn't have a right to anything if something were to happen to her. I don't think he deserves a thing. I think she should move on and do what's best for her daughter instead of this man who's been living off her for who knows how long. Regarding Sara, she's in her late twenties, so I'm not sure what the cut off is here in Michigan (or perhaps it all depends on the school itself or the district). I know that Becky can't keep her in school forever as that's kind of been just a way to get care for her daughter while she's working. Sara must be supervised at all times, so it would probably make living on her own a little more difficult. She is blind as well, so she can't get around as easily, and she would have to get used to a new place. She was actually here at work earlier today with Becky, which reminded me of this discussion again. I just feel so bad about the whole situation. Becky does such a great job with Sara; she's the best mom for her. I don't know if I'd have the patience, but when she cares for her, it's really neat to see. I would surely hope that when the time comes to make a life-changing decision that Becky will most definitely choose her daughter over all else. On the other hand, if something were to happen to Becky, she has an adult son who lives on his own and could always care for his sister - I know, probably way much easier said than done. He sometimes takes care of Sara so Becky can run errands as well. If anything in the situation changes, I'll let you know. As of right now, it doesn't look promising, but we'll see. Thanks for your response!

It could be that Becky holds on to the jerk because having someone, even a jerk, for some people is better than having no one. It may be that there are not the same arrangements available in Michigan that there are in Kansas. There are adult day services in many areas, if it gets to where Sara can no longer go to school.

That is very well said, Bounce. I think that sums up the entire discussion! Yes, if someone loves you, they'll take somewhat of an interest in what you're interested in. I love my hubby and don't always love the car stuff he enjoys, but I'll definitely listen because he has a passion for it. It's awesome to see him get excited about something. It's also great when he listens to me about my jewelry and purses - LOL! Even though I know he's not really into that kind of thing. If nothing more, it helps us decide what to get each other for Christmas! Thanks for sharing that experience. I think it's well suited for this discussion!

It is a really sad situation. Tough to say it like this, but Becky put herself in this situation where she now must choose between Sara and her partner. It's too bad her partner doesn't like her daughter because now she has to deal with this situation. It's a very negative thing that she must choose between two people she loves. I know what my solution would be, but it's something I'm sure Becky wouldn't want to hear. Thanks so much for your honest response!

I agree completely. I don't have kids yet, but to my husband and I, when kids come along, they will come first then everything else (job or whatever) will come second. In Becky's case, Sara came first into her life anyway, so it shouldn't even be a question of her man over her daughter. I appreciate your blunt honesty!!

i know that was bluntly honest. in my opinion when you have a child he or she is your top priority and everything else is second to your child that is how it should be. if someone made you pick between a man and your child and you even consider it you are an unfit parent

That's my question for Becky, except that I would never have the heart to ask her since it's not really my business...why would she choose to stay with her partner when he wants nothing to do with her daughter, her own flesh and blood? Sara is not his daughter, and yes, she has special needs, but that shouldn't deter him from at least acknowledging her since she's Becky's child. I also don't think Becky should have to make a choice between her daughter and her partner. That's just not right. I agree with you - that would be my choice: my child over any other man who would come into my life. If he can't accept her, he's not the one for me. I don't have children yet, but that would kill me if someone wouldn't accept my child for who he or she was. Anyone who couldn't wouldn't be given the opportunity to love and care for me either. That's just the way it would go for me! Thanks for your response.

I agree! I don't know that Becky has really thought about what would happen with Sara if something happened to her. She's in her early to mid 50s, so it definitely wouldn't hurt to do some planning ahead...you never know what could happen. I wouldn't be surprised at all if her partner left her if that were to happen. (Lucky for Becky, she also has an adult son who helps out when he can do so with taking care of his own son as well.) Becky's son helps out with Sara more than her own partner who lives with her...I just find that a bit odd. The whole situation is a little crazy to me because, as you said, if my potential mate couldn't accept my kids, it'd be a done deal. I'd move on to find someone who would love me and my kids the same as they'd be my flesh and blood. Thanks for sharing your opinion!

I'm the same way! Seriously - I'd have them screened from the beginning. My husband and I have two dogs. If someone couldn't accept my dogs, then they'd be gone. They're a big part of the family. That's just the way it is. We don't have kids yet, but if someone wasn't ok with my kids someday, we have nothing to discuss. It'd put such a huge damper on our relationship. I completely understand what you mean about your cats LOL! Your kids are your flesh and blood. Your cats are who you are; they're a part of you too. Someone who couldn't accept that couldn't accept who you are, and therefore, shouldn't be a part of your life anyway. No sense in wasting time on something you know isn't going to work in the first place. Too bad Becky didn't see if coming (or maybe she did and ignored the signs). Maybe she could've stopped this ten or more year relationship from the beginning and been out of this mess. She needs a man who loves her and Sara, and will help her with her daughter's special needs rather than put unnecessary stress and more of a burden on her. There are so many things I wish for her, but she's got to see the situation she's in a do something about it herself. That's toughest part for us as her friends is to see what's going on, not understand it, and also not be able to do anything about it...other than vent on myLot, of course - LOL! Thanks for sharing your honest opinion.

I think you're probably right. Becky's partner has some incentive to staying in the relationship...otherwise, why would he put up with her special needs daughter who he completely ignores and won't be seen in public with? (Sara is really sweet, by the way. I've met her and seen her on numerous occasions. She can't do very much for herself, but she's a pretty well-tempered person who is usually smiling and laughing to herself.) Anyway, I think you hit the nail on the head about Becky and her personality. She's a nurturing person, so she probably sees nothing wrong with taking care of her daughter as well as her partner. She probably doesn't realize that her partner's failure to contribute to the household as anything out the ordinary because it's been this way for so long. She puts on a tough exterior, but I know she's kindhearted inside and can put up with a lot. Yes, she has got to have plenty of patience in dealing with her daughter and her condition, but I think she unfortunately took the same (passive) approach with her partner. She's just used to taking care of others and is too kind to do anything differently. She doesn't want to upset anyone, and it's easier to leave things be than to change. Thanks for your response!!

I don't think Becky means to hurt Sara by having a man like her current partner in her life. I believe that Becky truly does love her daughter, but at times, puts her partner first when she shouldn't. I think Becky needs to think about and do what's best for her and her daughter. I can see why her partner might not want to help out since Sara isn't his biological child, but he does live under Becky's roof, so he really should at least help her. The fact that he doesn't even want to be seen in public with Sara is kind of sad to me. I really hope this situation gets better. Here and there, Becky and her partner have spent time apart in the past to "iron things out." I don't know what was accomplished by that since they always get back together, but maybe it's a way for her partner to get away from Sara for a bit. I hate to think the worst of people, but it's clear to see Becky's partner may have ulterior motives! Thanks for your response.

Becky's daughter has special needs and cannot live on her own. If she were to be put in a home, Becky would have to ensure Sara had care almost at all times. Sara is blind and has many other needs. That's why Sara is in her late twenties and still lives at home, but I think Becky will move her into a special needs care facility within the next year...that's just my guess. I appreciate your honesty in bringing a different perspective to the conversation. You're right - a man can be in a relationship with a woman and not care for the rest of her family - siblings, parents, etc. I've experienced a little of that with my own family. Just because someone isn't completely accepting of their partner's or spouse's family doesn't mean they can't love the partner/spouse. However, if it's their own partner's or spouse's child, that's a completely different matter that should be addressed before they get into a serious relationship. I definitely agree with you there! Yes, Sara's involvement in the situation would make it tricky for Becky and her partner to spend time with one another and get to know each other. Maybe that's why he's stuck in the relationship and determined to make it work. He has spent over ten years with Becky, but with Sara there maybe that's equivalent to only five years with someone else who didn't have a child with special needs. Does that make sense? So maybe it's his determination to be with Becky no matter what that keeps him going. Maybe he doesn't have a desire to get to know and be involved with Sara, but she's not his child and he'd rather spend time with Becky or something. I know she can't force him to care for her child. I just think he should be accepting of everything about Becky (including Sara) if he's going to be with her long-term. That would be pretty awkward if he lets the situation with Sara come between them and put a damper on their relationship if he's determined to see the thing through and stay with Becky no matter what. I hope it all works out for the best for the two of them. Becky just needs to remember to do what's best for her family. Thanks for your response and your honesty - I appreciate it!!

That would be an excellent solution, for Becky to find the man who is right for her and for Sara. That would be a great way to screen men who could be potential partners for Becky, to base it on their love and acceptance of Sara. Those who couldn't handle that part of Becky's life shouldn't be allowed to be in a relationship with her in the first place. I'm not sure how Becky and her partner met, but he must be some kind of con artist to whittle his way into her life being completely against Sara and refusing to help Becky with her. It's like they're two people living completely separate lives. That would drive me crazy. Becky can't possibly even feel comfortable talking about Sara, much less having her in her partner's presence. That must be really odd for her. I don't have kids yet, but if someone couldn't accept my kids, that would be enough for me to kick them to the curb. No one can love you and not your kids; they're your flesh and blood too! Thanks for your words of wisdom.

You bring up an excellent point. Usually men that have all these "conditions" like Becky's partner do so to gain control. Controlling men, in my opinion, are really insecure. They control the woman in their life because there's something up with them, and they don't like to not have a say. I don't know if Becky's man has complete control over her or what, but she really needs to open her eyes to what's going on here. She must ask herself if she wants to be with this man for the rest of her life and what would happen if she could no longer take care of Sara. I know it's been several years that they've been together, so Becky probably thinks it's easier to leave things as is than to upset her partner to do anything differently.

Love certainly is blind, and it's sad in this situation. I wish Becky's partner could just be accepting of her daughter. I'm sure he's been around her to know her well enough. If it were just a matter of knowing how to care for her, I'm sure Becky would be more than happy to show him what to do. I know caring for a person with special needs can probably be overwhelming and a bit intimidating. Either way, I think Becky should set the standard a lot higher than she has. She shouldn't stay in this situation just because she and her partner have been together so long. That's no excuse for how Sara is treated (or ignored) by Becky's partner. I don't have kids, but that would be one of the worst things to have someone say they supposedly love me, but can't love my children, my own flesh and blood. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts! I hope Becky opens her eyes to the situation and is able to make good decisions for her and her daughter!

I really like that - "I won't judge her, but I don't understand her." Those are my thoughts exactly. Sometimes I think she's crazy, but I might be a little passive if I were in her same situation. If the guy didn't love my kids, he couldn't completely love me either, so I wouldn't have it at all. That is just strange to me that she'd put up with it. That was my next comment...why is she still with him after all this?? That's one of those things that frustrates me, but I'm not going to go butting into other people's business. I just had to vent on myLot instead - LOL! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. We're completely agreed on this one.

We're definitely agreed on this one. There's no way I would've let this guy into my life if I were Becky. Family comes first anyway. If he couldn't accept Sara, I don't know how he could accept Becky completely either, you know? I really hope Becky doesn't have to choose between her partner and her daughter. That's just wrong! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I never thought about it that way, but you're probably right - there's got to be something her partner has on her that's keeping them together or keeping him in the picture.